No, not my novel; don't be silly. Someone else's novel.
I've been beta-reading my friend Jen's manuscript, and I take my job seriously. Plot holes, stilted dialogue, info dumps... I ignore all of these and focus solely on characters' names.1
Anyway, today we'll be talking about how people get here. No, not how the birds and the bees have crazy monkey sex to make babies. How people get to my blog. Specifically, how people who've never met me, or who didn't find their way here through another blog, found their way here.
I'm talking search terms.
The top two picks, as you might expect, are ninja haiku and horrible puns. There are also variations on my name and my blog name, and the recent addition of zombie apocalypse christmas. All of these make perfect sense. More surprising is the number of people searching for fire puns, wheel puns, doorstep puns, and horrible fire puns.
But in my opinion, the ones that follow are the best of the best. The most amusing, the most bizarre, the most awesome. If I've figured out what page they ended up on, I've included the link.
Top 10 Search Terms That Led Someone Here
- cat bile too much water
Judged on its own merits, this isn't even worthy of making the top 10. But if you consider the context, then what it means is I probably saved a cat's life!2
- Justice League belly-dance
But really, who hasn't searched for this?
- how does aeneas charachter develop in book 7 in the aeneid show a change in tone, style and direction from the previous books
My blog never provided the answer to this question... until now! In Book 7, I believe Aeneas was getting older, so therefore his tone became more curmudgeonly, his style more rife with flexible waistbands and oatmeal stains, and his direction more lost.
- humbert: i wish i knew how to quit you
Oh, Humbert, you sexy beast.
- i am a ninja sometimes i walk on my toes
Sorry, buddy, wearing tights and walking on your toes doesn't automatically make you a ninja. You're still a ballerina.
- daugher young lolitas
Come to The Wheel for all your pornography needs! Get 'em while they're young! Get 'em while they're... your daughter?! WTF!3
- significant weakness in the lead up to feb 24th when it may back off
Hold on—when what might back off?! And what weakness? I have no weakness!
- фильм колесо огня
If I still had my Uzbekistani cat, she could have provided a translation for this. But alas, it's all Greek to me.4
- ninga ball on fier.com
What the hell? How come I wasn't invited to the ninga ball?!
And, sometimes not.
1 "Edward sounds like a wuss. What if you named him Capt. Nathaniel von Doppleganger instead? And hey, Natilda would be a wonderful choice for the heroine."
2 Which would make it two saved cats! After hearing my story, a co-worker brought her cat to the vet, and his kidney failure was caught while still in the early stages. He's already been put on a kidney-friendly diet. I still miss Marcelle, but it's wonderful that through her death others will live!
3 Wow, That's Funny!
4 Yes, even the letters that are Cyrillic. Which is all of them.