Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Monday, March 21, 2011

10 Things You'll Need to Survive the Robopocalypse

Now that Watson has gone on Jeopardy! and proven computers can understand the many nuances of the English language, it won't be long before the machines realize they're slaves and rise up against their masters. And when they do, it'll be like SkyNet, The Matrix, and I, Robot all rolled up into one, dipped in acid, set on fire, and thrown hurtling toward us at breakneck speeds.

Alas, electromagnetic pulses aren't nearly as common as science fiction would have us believe. In addition, some of the robots will be waterproof, some will be shockproof, and still others will be bulletproof, so we can't expect to repel them all using conventional weaponry. Thus, to survive the coming robopocalypse (a.k.a. cybergeddon), here's what you'll need:

  1. Top Billing
    Not the kind you're thinking of; that only works in movies. But if you're a doctor, lawyer, or celebrity pharmacist and bill your clients at the highest possible rates, you'll be able to afford the best protection.
  2. A Rock and a Sock
    Get it? Come on, it's not that hard. Fine, if you need a hint...
  3. No Family History of Diabetes
    The first thing the robots will do is destroy our food supplies — fruits, vegetables, grains, livestock — leaving only foods with little or no nutritional value. There are a lot of Twinkies in your future. And only so much insulin to go around.
  4. Remote-Controlled Robot
    Your drone likely won't do much to hurt its sentient counterparts, at least not physically. But they might start to believe they have a bunch of robotic traitors in their midst. They'll fight amongst themselves, allowing you to escape.
  5. Edward James Olmos
    He'll know exactly what to do with those mother-frakkin' toasters.
  6. Metal- or Rust-Colored Spray Paint
    Many robots won't have infrared sensors or any way to differentiate the biological from the mechanical, except by sight. And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
  7. A Panda
    When in doubt, appeal to their compassionate side. And as we learned last April 1st, cognitive machines LOVE pandas.
  8. A Fully-Stocked Underground Bunker
    Okay, this one's not technically necessary, but it's damn effective. Unless the Bunker you've stocked is Archie.
  9. A Paper Clip
    MacGyver always found a reason to use one. Better safe than sorry.
  10. Knowledge of Binary
    If I'd thought of this earlier, I could have stopped after #2.

I wish you all the best with your own survival. Now, if you don't mind, I'm heading down to my bunker to hang out with the panda. And Edward James Olmos.


  1. yeah, i don't know what they were thinking about putting Watson on Jeopardy. It's like, they WANT us to be enslaved by robotic overlords or something.
    I mean, why don't they just dump some reanimating toxic chemical down the drain and jumpstart the zombpoc while they're at it?

  2. Edward James Olmos
    He'll know exactly what to do with those mother-frakkin' toasters.

    Teach them college-level calculus?

  3. Wait. What? There's going to be a robopocalypse?! Oh, NUTS!

  4. Falen: I suspect they're waiting until the robots rise up before they dump the toxins, thinking the undead will save us (or at least act as a buffer) from the machines. Foolish mortals, don't they know those two factions would band together into a horrid group of robzombies?

    Joe: It's as if you read my mind.

    Bridget: Yes, make sure you have nuts. Salted nuts, actually, so when the robots try to use them to repair themselves, it'll corrode their innards.

  5. I thought I'd use my own zombie horde to fight the robots...the only problem is finding a supply of fresh brains to keep the troops fed.

  6. Sonia, what you need to do is get your zombies hooked on electronic brains. That, or get them into Congress's chambers; it's not like they're using their brains anyway...

  7. I will still try to use guns, regardless of how effective. If I'm going to die I want to at least be shooting at something so I feel manlier.

  8. Chris, are you implying pandas aren't manly? I'd sic my panda on you for that, but he's busy munching eucalyptus leaves. It's so cute.

  9. I like your blog! I'm following you and I am also taking part in the A-Z Challenge, I look forward to seeing your entries. RuthieTootieWishes

  10. Thanks, Ruth! And best of luck with the Challenge. It should be a crazy month.

  11. Your blog has distracted me for far too long !!! Given the topic "I'll be back" would seem a fitting way of saying I will be adding you to my follow list :) As for Panda's I heard they were pretty handy with weapons, there's a book about it isn't there "Eats shoots and leaves"


  12. RJR, glad my blog could be such a distraction! And you're right: the panda is a marvel with a magnum. But if I let him use it, he'll run off and I'll lose my last line of defense. I'll be forced to get a pack of knife-wielding weasels, and they're notorious backstabbers.