Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sunday, January 8, 2012

And That's When My 6-Month-Old Made Out with a College Girl

On Friday, my son (codename: The Professor) turned six months old. I find it hard to believe he's already that old, yet simultaneously, I feel he's been with us forever. I'm constantly in awe of him (and vice versa). And so far, he's hit every major milestone the baby books told us to look for:

Month 1: The Bloodening
Not long after we determined he wasn't a vampire, it happened. One moment, he was a perfectly happy baby. The next moment, he turned his head and spit up blood. The moment after that, he was a perfectly happy baby (with perfectly distraught parents). We rushed him to the doctor's office, where they performed a battery of tests (battery not included), and determined he was, in fact, a perfectly healthy baby. To this day, our best guess is he is actually a vampire had a baby nosebleed combined with baby post-nasal drip.

Month 2: Olympic Crib Swimming
When we lay my son down on his back in the crib, he'd scoot off head-first toward the opposite end, then turn around and head back to start another lap. He's the current world record holder in the 10-meter backstroke.1

Month 3: Swapping Spit
He was soaring overhead, and inadvertently drooled into my open mouth. At least, I think it was inadvertent. You never know with The Professor; he has a few Trix up his sleeve.

Month 4: Faster Than the Speed of Light
They say pictures are worth 1,000 words. Well the one to the left is worth 300,000,000 m/s.

Month 5: The Vulcan Neck Pinch
I must say, for a child with such small fingers, he sure has a firm grip. And though I technically don't pass out when he pinches my neck, I do feel rather sleepy.

Month 6: Swapping Spit (Advanced)
Six days before he turned six months old, The Professor did something I was never able to do: He made out with a college girl on New Year's Eve.2

From the moment we got to the party, she was ogling him. You could tell she wanted to hold him close. He played it cool for a little while. He smiled and laughed, and ran her hair between his fingers. Then he opened his mouth and lunged.

The girl's boyfriend tried to get him to back off, offering advice such as "Don't lead with your tongue," but it was as if my son didn't understand him. For a good five minutes, he dive-bombed her chin and cheek. She couldn't get enough of him.

So far, so good. We're looking forward to the rest of his first year, and the many milestones to come.


1 He's also fond of the breast stroke, though he sucks at the butterfly (it's made of plastic) and has yet to master the crawl.
2 No, you don't get to see a picture. Not unless you pay $19.95 to subscribe to my blog's premium content (and then build me a time machine so I can go back to New Year's with a camera).

17 comments:

  1. He is really cute! And wow...six months already??? Where does the time go? So many more phases coming your way. It just gets more and more exciting as you go and then you have more kids! :D
    Happy New Year to you!

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  2. Dammit! If there are no pictures, why do I follow your blog? *goes to get time machine*

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  3. That first photo is my FAVORITE THING.

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  4. Hilarious. He is completely darling. Almost makes me wish my little ones were still in the chin frenching stage.

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  5. Where's the sign up form for that $19.95 premium content? C'mon, Wheel! I gots ta keep up with all things Perfessor. (PS - The drool in the open mouth - classic.)

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  6. Heather, if I recall, time flies when I'm having fun. Or maybe it seeps into the bottom of the hourglass. Either way, I can't get at it. (And a happy new year to you, too!)

    Joe, of course I knew you'd go get your time machine. After all, you were there. (Although, due to the quirks of time travel, you did look remarkably like an 8-year-old boy.)

    Joelle, do not, I repeat: DO NOT attempt to recreate that photo next time we see you. I mean it.

    Julie, well, I suspect chin frenching becomes a little less adorable once they have teeth.

    Mike, there's no sign up form. You have to give me that money in person. (Oh, but if you bring your daughter next time I see you, you might get to see The Professor recreate #6 for free.)

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  7. Nate, I can't believe it's been 6 months! I still can't decide if I want to fork over the $19.95--in person, no less! Guess I'll just have to put 2 & 2 together on my own...

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  8. Bridget, since you're such a loyal reader I'll help you put 2 & 2 together for free. It's 4. 2 and 2 is 4. Or wait, would it be 22? Then again, in base 3 (a.k.a. ternary) 2 + 2 = 11. Ooh, and if you flip one of the twos and shove them together you get an underlined heart. (You're welcome.)

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  9. Ha! I was waiting for IT! ;) You did not disappoint! Thanks! :)

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  10. This all makes sense when you realize he is actually a 90 year old man.

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    Replies
    1. Nice try, but I know for a fact he's not a 90-year-old man. He told me so himself.

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  11. That's one cute baby.

    And I hear you on the time fast/time slow phenomenon. My middle child turned five yesterday, and there's a simultaneous feeling of "He's only five?" and "OMG HE'S FIVE NOW."

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    1. I'm glad he's only one cute baby. If he was two cute babies, I'd never have time for blogging. And may all your children only age at a reasonable pace from here on in.

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  12. Month six of The professor is kinda like me, that's how I make it with women, except they don't ogle me when I first enter. Or at any other time. Okay, The Professor is cooler than me.

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    Replies
    1. You and me both, Anthony. You and me both.

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh shandgroup, you came back! And on an entirely new post! You really do love me! Though I should mention that your use of infants to test your column pipes is deplorable, and I shall report you to the proper authorities immediately.

      Delete