Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Friday, December 21, 2012

The Velocirapture Is Upon Us!

The world ends today. That's what people say. Yet no one's told us how it's going to end. Until now, that is.

Get indoors while you still can, and hold your loved ones close. It's the velocirapture!

But it's not the one you think. You probably assume I'm talking about ravenous dinosaurs tearing the world's population to pieces. Uhhhh, nope. There's no way that could happen in one day. Think about it: If there were enough cretaceous creatures to do that, don't you think some of them would have made the news by now?

No, the velocirapture isn't about raptors. It's about velocity.

You probably haven't noticed any difference yet, but the Earth has already started to rotate a little faster on its axis. Throughout the day, its speed will increase exponentially until life on the planet has been all but eradicated.

You'll soon notice the winds start to pick up, all from the east. Gale-strength winds, followed by hurricane-strength, and building from there. The sun will appear to slide across the sky. It'll set very early, then rise and set again in quicker and quicker succession.

And at first it'll be just that: people and things being blown around and knocked over by strong winds. The oceans will begin to flood islands and east coast towns. But eventually the centrifugal force will overcome the force of gravity, and believers and non-believers alike will be cast into the heavens. Those lucky souls who are inside will be cast into ceilings instead, but their survival will be short-lived. As the Earth's velocity increases, the buildings themselves will be ripped from the ground and hurled into the deep recesses of space. The oceans and much of the ground will soon follow. By the morning of December 22, there will be little left of Earth but a spinning molten core.

What Have I Done to Prepare for My Survival?
Nothing. I'm just as screwed as the rest of you. The only six people to survive will be the ones already in space, unless they are inadvertently hit by hurtling apocalyptic debris. And unless one of them learns to grow ovaries, we as a race are doomed.

But look at the bright side. At least it's Friday.



This post was written for the Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest, hosted by Chuck at Apocalypse Now and Shannon of The Warrior Muse. Go now — and I mean now, because the world is ending, people! — and check out all the other apocalypses.

44 comments:

  1. Velocirapture, perfect! I need to reinforce my ceiling and begin building my space capsule. Who needs sleep, right? And frogs can produce offspring asexually, so why can't astronauts?

    Thanks for participating!

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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    1. Hey, do you have any extra room in that space capsule of yours? I figure, since I'm the one who warned you how this was going to go down... (hint hint)

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  2. I bet NASA wishes they'd encouraged more female astronauts now! Let's fight for sexual equality; the human race depends on it!

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    1. They actually had a female astronaut on the last mission, but she returned home last month. That's some poor planning on NASA's part, if you ask me.

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  3. So that's why I'm feeling so dizzy. Here I thought I'd just had too much eggnog.

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    1. Well, the eggnog might be heightening the vertigo. My suggestion would be -- based on what's to come -- to hit the nog hard.

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  4. Here form the blogfest and loving it! Unlike the apocalypse - I'd so die crying! :D X

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    1. Actually, in this case you wouldn't die crying. You'd die asphyxiating in the void of space. But, you know... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

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  5. Just as screwed as the rest of you - hilarious!
    Ironically, it's really windy here today...

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    1. It's extremely windy here, too, Alex. But trust me: It's no coincidence.

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  6. Replies
    1. You'll be dead before the velocirapture gets here? Don't tell me another apocalypse is trying to cut in on my own... the horror!

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  7. It's worse than being stuck in the spin cycle!

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    1. Well, it's kind of like the spin cycle, but on a massive scale. And without walls to contain you. So, come to think of it, claustrophobes might actually be better off...

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  8. At least death will be preceded by a few seconds of fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I'll get to fly, even if just for a brief, flailing, terrifying moment before I'm snuffed out by the vacuum of space.

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    1. That's the spirit! Now everyone take a deep breath and say, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

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  9. So... we won't be eaten by psychotic mid-sized dinosaurs? Nice!

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    1. Well, in the initial chaos, before we all become spinoffs, it's possible strong winds might knock out the electricity to the raptor enclosure and some people could meet their demise by way of their teeth. But technically, they're not psychotic, just clever and ruthless carnivores. So, yeah. That's not going to happen. We are so lucky.

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  10. Dang. I never thought "Speed" would be the way to go. That's one tripped-out concept, man. :)

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    1. For the sake of all physics majors out there, I must point out that it's not just speed that will be doing us in. Since we're talking about velocity, it's speed and direction.

      But better count your blessings now, man. Pretty soon, none of us will be able to drop below 55mph.

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  11. Strangely after many days of rubbish weather, today has been a really nice day. But if your prediction is true but running a bit late I an heading up to the north pole for a bit. . . . .

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    1. You doubt me? I hope for your sake you're already on your way to the North Pole. Say hi to Rudolph for me. (He's a biologist doing a study up there.)

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  12. Awesome, simply awesome...

    Did we make it?
    My link is dead, I ask again did we make it?
    [Visit my post for that to make sense]

    Great end of the world post!!
    Jeremy [Retro]
    Oh No, Let's Go... Crazy

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    1. No, we didn't make it. [I wrote that knowing the end is near, and we are doomed. DOOOOOOOMED.]

      But thanks, Jeremy. That means a lot to me, at least for the few fleeting moments I have left...

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  13. I came for the Apocalypse. I'm staying for the kibbitzing.



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    1. I think you have the wrong idea; there's no kibitzing here. All comments are welcome. (All comments except spam comments, that is. I just don't like canned meat.)

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  14. Nate, I get dizzy real easy so this would suck worse than the winds would blow. This however is very creative way to off everyone so there would not be any of that zombie eating, germ ravishing, drowning, hope you might live stuff to worry about!

    Thanks for playing, buddy!

    Chuck

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    1. Yep, no need to fret about struggling to survive in a post-apocalyptic world when there's no world left to survive in.

      And "Thanks for playing"? Do I at least get a copy of the home game?

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  15. I'm glad we didn't pay about $1000 a person to go down into the shelter in Russia.

    Monti
    Mary Montague Sikes

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    1. Me, too. Especially since the only two things I know how to say in Russian are "nyet" and "moose and squirrel."

      And an added bonus with the velocirapture: You don't have to pay millions of dollars to fly into space.

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  16. Wahoo, I'm your 200th follower! Anyway, this is an apocalypse I've never heard of or considered. YIKES!

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    1. Oh, don't worry about the velocirapture. It's inevitable and you can't do anything about it, so why worry? But anyway, congratulations! As my 200th follower, you're entitled to a complimentary footnote.*

      * You're very nice.

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  17. Awesome take on the end of the world--love it!

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    1. Clearly you enjoy those spinny rides at amusement parks. I get motion sickness, however, so for me the apocalypse won't be a walk in the park.

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  18. Replies
    1. I felt a little dizzy myself when I went back in time and held a baby Dizzy Gillespie (though I suppose that's not exactly true since he was still called John at the time). Why am I telling you this? Please, like I ever have a point.

      Thanks for stopping by. Hope your vertigo dies down.

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  19. I loved this! If the 'end' comes none of us are walking away from it, no matter how prepared we think we are!

    Interesting concept about the space-station, too! ;-)

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    1. Being prepared is for suckers. When the CDC or government tells you to prepare for an epidemic or apocalypse, it's to keep you busy while they load up the escape capsules you aren't supposed to know about.

      Glad you liked it though! Thanks for visiting.

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  20. That was great! I have comfort in knowing we are all screwed, just at a different velocity. :) Great post!
    A2Z Mommy and What’s In Between

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    1. Yep, an equal opportunity apocalypse. Thanks! I'm glad I could amuse you during Earth's final hours.

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  21. Wow! Just reading that makes me dizzy. I'm glad the winds have died down today here in VA!

    Merry Christmas!

    Monti
    Mary Montague Sikes

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    1. If you don't remember the first time you commented, clearly the spinning is really throwing you for a loop.

      And a happy belated Hanukkah to you!

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