tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34590967994716930972024-03-13T10:02:38.771-04:00Sometimes, The Wheel Is On FireNate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.comBlogger392125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-2879229292525055222020-05-13T08:53:00.004-04:002023-09-18T11:52:34.091-04:00Haiku Winners: Together<img alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1BV058FWsSJ9i3RCIdqKAxjaxQdLu0uANlTTPqslJ2LOPdz8muPuAoQB5YFn7MCYp2KzLg4NAAqUgOwsa0utMrMb6la_DSEGz_KyuXdyfU351cXYnW1E0HwPP83LvWoeh3wls3DYLfPk-s5-cbTsEOZG1Jnnbv28h7V06lIuLj5DSNuZa7YQvumQXqEw/s1600/392_together.jpg" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 15px" title="My hands on his head / His hands waving in the air / Like he just does care"/>Haiku. Haiku is what bwings us togeddah, today.<br />
<br />
Times are tough. But I'm hoping I can play a part (See what I did there? A part? Oh, never mind.) in making things a teensy bit easier for three people, and for three charities.<br />
<br />
And thus, I shall cease my blabbering and announce the winners of my <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2020/05/together-haiku-contest-for-charity.html">togetherness haiku contest</a>.<br />
<br />
Put your hands together (See what I did there?) for this year's award winners:<br />
<br />
<b>Not Quite Honorable Mention</b><br />
<br />
My wife Denise's haiku is easily the finest pandering ever done in one of my contests. Unfortunately, she majored in English, not math. Eighteen syllables a haiku does not make.<br />
<blockquote><i>You are my husband<br />
He is our curly headed boy<br />
We are together</i></blockquote><br />
<b>Honorable Mentions</b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://rawknrobyn.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Rawknrobin</a></b> perfectly encapsulates the mood of the working-from-home masses (even if my company uses Skype, and I'm in the pants-wearing minority).<br />
<blockquote><i>We aren't wearing pants<br />
Let us zoom together now<br />
Solidarity!</i></blockquote><b>Joelle</b> highlights cats' love for cornering us when we're at our most vulnerable (even if we sometimes secretly enjoy the company).<br />
<blockquote><i>Social distancing?<br />
For humans, not for kitties.<br />
Never poop alone.</i></blockquote>And then there's my sister <b>Naomi</b>, whose haiku I laughed out loud at (even if I knew long before the contest started she wasn't going to win).<br />
<blockquote><i>Why do I see you<br />
Whenever I turn around?<br />
Oh, right! Conjoined twins.</i></blockquote><br />
<b>First Prize: Traditional</b><br />
<br />
Yeah, I might be biased against Naomi, but not her 9-year-old son <b>Solomon</b>. He wins the prize for traditional haiku, and he has chosen <a href="https://www.habitat.org/" target="_blank">Habitat for Humanity</a> as his charity. I will be giving them a donation of $100.<br />
<blockquote><i>A tiny atom.<br />
Has very very small quarks.<br />
All stuck together.</i></blockquote><br />
<b>First Prize: Humorous/Creative</b><br />
<br />
<b>Jess Sokol</b> used one of her superpowers (i.e. cats) to take the award for humorous haiku. Her chosen charity is <a href="https://poainc.org/" target="_blank">Protectors of Animals</a>, who will also be receiving a $100 donation. <br />
<blockquote><i>Too many cats near<br />
Eyeing my keyboard and cords<br />
The mouse is afraid</i></blockquote><br />
<b>First Prize: Judge's Choice</b><br />
<br />
And finally, my pick for the third prize is one that embodies family and the joys of childhood, courtesy of <b>Joe</b>.<br />
<blockquote><i>Grab that big blanket.<br />
Everyone, quick, get under.<br />
Now tickle someone!</i></blockquote><br />
Joe, please send me an email and let me know to which charity I should donate. I'll be making the donations (and sending out the gift cards) in the next few days.<br />
<br />
Congratulations to all the winners and mentions! And thank you to everyone who submitted haiku (you can <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2020/05/together-haiku-contest-for-charity.html#comments">read all the entries here</a>) or shared the contest with others. I hope I was able to bring you some much-needed levity (and/or spending money) in these trying times.<br />
<br />
So, farewell my friends,<br />
Until we meet up again.<br />
(With or without pants.)<br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-34007031429521880732020-05-01T07:07:00.001-04:002023-09-18T11:54:32.602-04:00Together: A Haiku Contest for Charity<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0ZvutU8QPJNIYKKpwOKoE7GNv6HVrYqe2nlF3NP0PzCF1yVfsgcCYI4MvvR5G4gh5sUJ-w1WABg738uplvr5hPcI-m4asdpvGUOfuOmFlpqDaTVW36vA1QKnrauNo9CsBuZnOIT0aS1XuOMwTSfkjgKl6gU_Z76GJRsSVDYvQlV2YZ6JVtNteTAL-aOQ/s1600/391_together.jpg" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 15px" title="Yeah, he's stuck with me. / Whether he likes it or not. / Mwahahahaha!" /><b>*** The contest has ended. <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2020/05/haiku-winners-together.html">Check out the winners!</a> ***</b><br />
<br />
We, as a people, are too divided. We were already split along economical, ideological, and political lines (among others), and then the Virus That Shall Not Be Named came along and split us apart physically.<br />
<br />
Enough is enough. Let's write some haiku about <b>togetherness</b>.<br />
<br />
You may think a haiku contest won't accomplish much. And you'd be right. But at least this one will result in <b>$300 for charity</b>. It isn't much, but it's a start.<br />
<br />
Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5), and write a poem inspired by the word "together." However you interpret the theme is up to you.<br />
<br />
I will select the best haiku in the following three categories:<br />
<ul><li>Humorous/Creative</li>
<li>Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)</li>
<li>Judge's Choice</li>
</ul>As in past years,* each winner will receive a <b>$25 gift card</b>. But then I will also donate $100 each to charities of their choosing.<br />
<br />
The deadline to submit haiku is <b>Thursday, May 7 at 5:00pm</b> (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.<br />
<br />
Submit some haiku.<br />
For you, or for charity.<br />
Or for all of us.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font-size:85%;line-height:1.3em">Official "Rules":<br />
<ol style="margin-top:0"><li>To enter, post haiku inspired by the word "together" in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you submit more than five, it will smack of selfishness in a time of need. It's not a good look for you. And you will not win.</li>
<li>Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. These rules are in place to keep the poetic form safe. If you ignore them, I'll wash my hands of you, and your entry won't win.</li>
<li>The contest is open until Thursday, May 7, 2020 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you arrive late, the contest will already be at capacity, and you'll be left out in the cold. No prize for you.</li>
<li>If your entry is not in English, you must also provide its English translation. If I don't know what you're saying, it'll feel like you're keeping me at a distance. (Note: Translations don't need to adhere to the 17-syllable structure.)</li>
<li>Anonymous entries will not win. You can't foster a feeling of togetherness if all you do is keep secrets.</li>
<li>Prizes will be awarded in each of three (3) categories: Humorous/Creative, Traditional, and Judge's Choice, which is basically a catch-all category because I couldn't think of a proper third one.<br />
<ul style="padding-left:20px; margin-left:0"><li>Each first place winner will each receive a $25 gift card, and I will donate $100 to a charity of their choice.</li>
<li>An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.</li>
</ul></li>
<li>I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances, unless I decide I was just being sarcastic the first time around.</li>
</ol></div><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%">* For reference, previous themes were: <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/04/ninja-haiku-contest.html">ninja</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/05/pirate-haiku-contest.html">pirates</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/04/robot-haiku-contest.html">robots</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2013/05/haiku-contest-space.html">space</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2014/04/haiku-contest-under-sea.html">the ocean</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2015/04/haiku-contest-heroes-villains.html">heroes & villains</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/05/haiku-contest-science.html">science</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/04/wild-west-haiku-contest.html">the wild west</a>, and <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2018/04/magic-haiku-contest.html">magic</a>.</span>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-41136432532223466932020-02-18T23:58:00.002-05:002023-09-18T16:32:34.575-04:0075<p>Today would have been my mom's 75th birthday.<br />
<br />
For those who don't know, my mother passed away Thanksgiving morning, after a far-too-short battle with leukemia.<br />
<br />
I won't recap her life story here, since my sister already did a phenomenal job of that in <a href="https://www.molloyfuneralhome.com/obituaries/Anita-Wilson-9/#!/Obituary" target="_blank">her obituary</a>. Instead, I want to give you a taste of who she was.</p><br />
Anita "Liar Woman" Wilson (I'll get to the nickname later) was one of the most selfless people I've ever known. She and my dad took in 5 foster children (adopting 1), and raised 13 puppies to be seeing-eye dogs (adopting 3 who didn't make the cut). She volunteered for countless organizations, not just offering her time, but often acting as treasurer, president, or some officer in between. She donated to all manner of charities. She gave blood till they wouldn't accept it anymore.<br />
<br />
With us, she was even more generous. Many parents chauffeur their kids around, but she was my driver early every Sunday morning for 5 years as I delivered newspapers. She asked nothing in return. I know I didn't thank her nearly enough. I was a teenager.<br />
<br />
After my son was born, my mom watched him two days a week for us, instilling in him her love of reading as she'd done for me decades before. And she almost never said no to a babysitting gig for her grandkids, even if it inconvenienced her. We tried not to take advantage of this fact. We mostly succeeded.<br />
<br />
You know, I can't recall my mom ever saying something mean or vindictive about another person. (Well, perhaps about one specific politician... but never another <i>person</i>.) And she never swore, at least not in the presence of her children. Only once in my life did I hear her use even mild profanity, and that was right near the end, when I asked how she felt that day.<br />
<br />
Of course, she wasn't a saint. (For one thing, she was Jewish.) Obituaries may be glowing on all accounts, but this is not an obituary. My mom had her faults.<br />
<br />
For instance, she was terrible and being a Jewish grandmother. Don't get me wrong—she was a fantastic grandmother. We'd leave my son with her for the afternoon, and they'd play games and read dozens of books, possibly dozens of times. But would she try to feed him, even once? Nope.<br />
<br />
On the topic of food, to this day I have a strange affinity for slightly overcooked vegetables. Especially broccoli. Thanks, mom.<br />
<br />
And then there's all the stuff. You see, my mother was an amateur hoarder. Not a professional hoarder like you see on TV, but enough to lead to piles of newspapers and magazines and dangerous stacks of books atop bookcases. (She planned to read those later, but was always too busy volunteering.) Thanks to her charitable donations, she was inundated with free calendars, greeting cards, and mailing labels... none of which she threw away. Sure, her tendencies meant she kept our stories and drawings going all the way back to kindergarten, but it also meant she kept our clothes and our toys and our games. Oh, and one drawer in her jewelry box? Completely filled with baby teeth.<br />
<br />
Okay, now you have a sense of my mother, the good and the bad. All that's left is the nickname.<br />
<br />
I can't think of any lies she truly told, apart from that nonsense about the tooth fairy. But in the early 1990s, our family took a trip to Israel. In Old Jerusalem, my mom took some photographs of the Dome of the Rock, and a man nearby (who had previously tried to get us to pay him for a tour) began yelling not to take pictures of the Muslim women. She said she wasn't. He swore she was. They argued for a short while, eventually escalating to him proclaiming at the top of his lungs, "You are a liar woman! LIAR WOMAN!" Needless to say, we didn't stick around after that. (But of course, the nickname did.)<br />
<br />
The last words I heard that liar woman speak were to my son, as we left the hospital near the end. I'll close with them, since they're also fitting for how I feel about you, dear readers:<br />
<br />
"I love you, too."<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfu2hrJIqUFlScT0JOBWcqY4XYAiDYnBQz6Qz0PYt6BnW4hGk_HaMm7sQFmSiHfRE-ev30G3epcDj2_LSXoyBfC2ZyS7OlrLkuWTwib6XVdE0xtQvAMbPeB4aJySy6wlcIodMS19jB8oDIpoGgNrPpu2KgOHlmNefjHXhLzIaFu0KLiCJoQVRdC5Z-nUg/s1600/390_mom.jpg" title="Anita "Liar Woman" Wilson, 1945-2019"/></div>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-13231452075375326652019-12-30T13:33:00.003-05:002023-09-18T16:30:36.240-04:00It's My 10th Annual Jew & A!<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSA5FVGJELf9vNIz9C90NiGr5yTH7AvXijXPEiOnql1ZiE0Xp3Hs-fECZTH304RA2w2530KL5O4mv9l6k-TLFXYOvKotejBgm6Zs3FJcBAmVMzj_XhSZm57OAvhNQZ13HUuAhhqwbKNq9DbbLCy7IW8NcBhkC-p6keD5pSaI8cXw3TSVaTumVUzqZ_nLg/s1600/389_menorahs.png" align="center" title="According to the Hebrew calendar, this year there are 10 Hanukkahs!"/><br />
<br />
For my 10th Jew & A, I’m doing things a little differently.<br />
<br />
Instead of asking you for new questions about Judaism, I’m going to answer all the ones I’ve ignored over the past decade.<br />
<br />
You see, every year I’ve provided examples of questions to ask. There are now 25 of them — one for every letter in the Hebrew alphabet. (That’s right: We’ve kept three letters secret from you gentiles for millennia. Mwa ha hah!*)<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%;">* Those are the 3 letters.</span><br />
<br />
Here are the 25 questions, listed in the order they were asked, with my quick-fire (yet absurdly informative) answers:<br />
<br />
<ol><li><b>Why did God choose to talk to Moses from inside a flaming shrubbery?</b><br />
<blockquote>Well, it was a nice-looking shrubbery, and not too expensive. Plus, as I have mentioned previously, <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/12/judge-jewry-and-answerquestioner.html">we’re all pretty much pyromaniacs</a>. It was an inspired choice on His part.<br />
<br />
(Pay no attention to the god behind the curtain.)<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why is challah braided while French bread isn't?</b><br />
<blockquote>Reply hazy. Try again later.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why can’t Orthodox Jews listen to Black Sabbath on the Sabbath?</b><br />
<blockquote>Per the torah, we’re only allowed one Sabbath each week. The less devout among us can substitute the Black version without any repercussions, but the spiritual toll of a second Sabbath for the Orthodox becomes exponential: 4x the atonement, 4x the guilt, 4x the fasting... That’s why they stick with Black Sabbath cover bands.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why are the Hebrews so obsessed with bagels and lox?</b><br />
<blockquote>What, you didn’t think Jews were among the multitude Jesus fed?<br />
<br />
Bagels and lox: The loaves and fishes of the Jewish set.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why are Jews so good with money, but so bad at sports?</b><br />
<blockquote>Um, we’re good with money <i>because</i> we’re bad at sports. We can’t get paid millions to play games for a living, so we need to make the most of what little money we do get. And that’s what we do. We make it into the most money.<br />
<br />
All our years playing in travel finance leagues don’t hurt, either.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why do the practices of Orthodox Jews seem so unorthodox?</b><br />
<blockquote>Because you’re an unimaginative git who can’t perceive what it’s like to have different beliefs. If you walked a mile in their shoes, you wouldn’t think that anymore.*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%;">* Instead you’d think, “There's no way I'm walking all the way back. Better call an Uber.” You lazy git.</span><br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why do Jews repeatedly insist you have a nagila?</b><br />
<blockquote>Because they are <i>so. Friggin’. Good.</i> Honestly, they’re like heaven in your mouth, which is saying something since we Jews don’t believe in heaven. But these are so amazing they make us believe. You have no idea what you’re missing. (And you probably never will, either; we snatch them up like Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.)<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why is Hanukkah sometimes so early (or late)?</b><br />
<blockquote>The Spanish Inquisition.<br />
<br />
You see, usually nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. And that has led to grave consequences. But by varying when Hanukkah occurs every year, we Jews are prepared for anything at anytime. We are so ready for Hanukkah 2020!*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%;">* It began in July 2017.</span><br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Why do so many Jews’ names end in “berg” or “stein”?</b><br />
<blockquote>The ‘Steins traditionally were the beer- and winemakers, the ones who kept people’s mugs filled. The ‘Bergs provided the ice.*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%;">* That is, diamonds.</span><br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>What were Moses' thoughts on gay marriage?</b><br />
<blockquote>Moses was all for gay marriage. Who doesn't like a happy marriage? Besides, anything that kept people from committing adultery or coveting their neighbor’s wife was fine by him.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Where can I find a good local deli?</b><br />
<blockquote>Online. After all, online’s only a few inches away, which is the localest you get.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Where are the Jewish unfaithful most likely to hide their stash of bacon?</b><br />
<blockquote>In their bellies.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Does Moses' deep-seeded aversion to water stem from his early basket trip down the Nile?</b><br />
<blockquote>No, Moses was too young to remember his wild Nile adventure. The real reason he ensured not a single drop of Red Sea touched him and his followers was because he had a pet mogwai.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Oy, will my daughter ever meet a nice Jewish boy and settle down?</b><br />
<blockquote>Get with the times, old man. No one feels settled in this day and age, with every headline a new source of fear and frustration. And there’s no reason the boy needs to be Jewish. Or a boy. Or even nice. As long as they don’t make their mother worry, they’re a keeper.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>How do you identify if someone’s Jewish just by looking?</b><br />
<blockquote>I’ve previously mentioned <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/12/may-answers-be-with-you.html#horns">the horns</a> and <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2018/12/putting-ha-back-in-hanukkah.html">other visible clues</a>, and for you poor goyim that’s as good as you’re going to get. To really know at a glance who is and isn’t Jewish, you’ll need to convert to Judaism. Only then will you be able to see the ethereal glow that emanates from each of God’s Chosen People. It’s kind of like a secret handshake.*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%;">* Handshake not included.</span><br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Which styles of yarmulke are in this holiday season?</b><br />
<blockquote>I actually answered this question <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-latke-to-learn.html">back in 2015</a>, but as always, styles have changed. Kids are now begging for square Minecraft-style yarmulkes, while the most discerning adults favor the Emperor’s New Kippah.*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%;">* Sure, it may look like their heads are bare, but well, maybe you shouldn’t say anything about it.</span><br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Does the Red Sea naturally part on the right or the left?</b><br />
<blockquote>It doesn’t part naturally at all. Have you seen the disorder of its many waves and curls? To get a comb through that mess, you’d need a miracle worker.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>What were the Jews really doing in that desert for 40 years?</b><br />
<blockquote>As rabid fans of Moses & the Israelites (known for such hits as “The Ten Commandments”, “Let My People Go”, and “Don't Eat That Pig!”), they just had to follow their messiah on his decades-long desert tour.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>How do I tell the difference between a regular Jewish American girl and a Princess?</b><br />
<blockquote>The only difference between the two is the princess’s entitlement. And I mean that literally. For instance, if she is introduced as “Leah Steinbergenstein,” she’s a girl. But if she’s introduced as “Leah Steinbergenstein, <i>Princess,</i>” well, you can figure out the rest.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>How can you tell sufganiyot and Sufjan Stevens apart?</b><br />
<blockquote>One is a cheesy yet delectable treat, a perfect complement for the holiday season... and the other is sufganiyot.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>How do I confirm the authenticity of my King James Torah?</b><br />
<blockquote>Check the front for the “Official Autographed Copy” sticker. Duh.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>What does Trump’s embassy decision mean for “next year in Jerusalem”?</b><br />
<blockquote>The main impact of the president’s decision is some Palestinians will treat Americans even worse, so it'd be best not to act American while there. Thus, the correct phrase is now: “Next year in Jerusalem, eh?”<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Does my dislike for Yosemite Sam mean I really hate all Semites?</b><br />
<blockquote>What kind of idiotic logic is that? It would mean my dislike for Elmo, Dolores Umbridge, and Donald Trump translates to hate for all elms, bridges, and rum, which is just stupid. I don’t hate rum.<br />
<br />
In other words... there’s a 66.7% chance you do, yes.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Is “apple jews” or “apple seder” is the more delicious(ly horrible) pun?</b><br />
<blockquote>“Apple seder” at least has some merit; the first one is such a lazy, deplorable attempt at punnery I can’t even bring myself to repeat it here. In fact, I decree that whoever came up with it be fried in leftover latke oil. And this punishment must be carried out in full, because I’m the boss, Applesauce.*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%;">* Yes, I ended my verdict with a Judge Judy-ism. Get it? Judy-ism? Ok, ok, I’m getting in the oil.</span><br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
<li><b>Something has been nagging me for weeks, and I’m beginning to wonder: Is it actually a Jew?</b><br />
<blockquote>Blast! Yes, it was me all along. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for you damn kids and your dog. Now go tell your friends and family you love them, like I’ve been telling you to do for weeks.<br />
<br />
</blockquote></li>
</ol>No, that’s not a joke. Tell your loved ones how you feel. And have a wonderful New Year’s.<br />
<br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-57410426763162074402018-12-19T07:06:00.001-05:002023-09-18T16:20:05.398-04:00Putting the Ha! back in Hanukkah!<p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtz-yLb2fU7rtatZLirZL5gv39sPrelXREkoJYqoGNwXnGt6Wia3BrulMrrzgaHoTDIYmADts6PdPvGdKCCFVWfpksgoJnxTa3BMcSgoAdhYFVPuJ_Ao8Ei4GupeUw4CotetGVVdHXcbe__JRrjvYGgZhMakiP0UtBQ47JsgIK9T_ZC3RQunSFFoAgAjs/s1600/388_lego_menorah.jpg" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 10px" class="clean" title="We're Jews. If it looks anything like a menorah, we'll light it on fire."/>Welcome to the answer portion of this year's Jew & A! The only questions came from my sister and nephew, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to delay my answers for a week. And I was right: It didn't hurt at all.</p>However, to make up for the delay — and that (feeble attempt at a) joke — I'll also answer a third question about Judaism. It's almost the least I can do.<br />
<br />
My sister Naomi asks:<br />
<b>How can I tell if someone is Jewish? E.g. Is there a special tattoo or handshake or something?</b><br />
<blockquote>I've previously talked about <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/12/may-answers-be-with-you.html#horns">the horns</a>, but it's hard to justify looking closely at everyone's scalp unless you're a barber or a school nurse during lice season.* So let's talk about other outwardly visual signs. There are three.<br />
<ol><li>T<b>he things we carry</b><br />
Jews, as everyone knows, are insanely rich. Problem is, we prefer not to be garish about it, so you can't judge based on clothes or jewelry. No, what you want to do is watch people when they're buying things. Specifically, look at their credit card. Our gold cards are made of actual gold. Our platinum cards, platinum. Our francium cards, francium.<br />
<br />
That's right, francium. The element with a half-life of 22 minutes. We keep world-class scientists on retainer just to make us one-use credit cards.<br />
<br />
So get yourself a francium detector. And follow the money.<br/> </li>
<li><b>Guilt by association</b><br />
Another option is to look for people who have an air of guilt about them. Now, I don't mean shifty-eyed or suspicious-looking. You're seeking successful individuals whose physical expression and demeanor convey they know that they don't visit/call/spoil their mother enough.<br />
<br />
You might think this describes non-Jews as well, but over time you'll be able to tell the difference. If they show even an ounce of bravado? Not a Jew.<br/> </li>
<li><b>Take me to your leader</b><br />
You can also pick Jews out by their behavior. For instance, look for people speaking in front of a group. Specifically, leading a congregation in a religious service inside a synagogue. Find that, and you've found yourself a Jew!</li></ol><span style="font-size:85%">* Not an actual season. The actual seasons are spring, duck, wabbit, and Christmas.</span></blockquote><br />
My nephew Solomon asks:<br />
<b>Why does one light the menorah?</b><br />
<blockquote>It is said one is the loneliest number. Well, the reason it's so lonely is because one is also the greediest, most selfish number. If there's something fun to do, one's not about to let any other number do it. He has to be the first and the best at everything.<br />
<br />
In this case, since fire is involved, there's no way anyone else gets near the menorah. One always make sure to grab the match, or the lighter, or the traditional Hanukkah arc welder, and brandishes it as a weapon if another number gets too close. Afterward, he opens up everyone's gifts, destroys all instruments and mp3 players,* and keeps the rest for himself.<br />
<br />
That's why one lights the menorah. One's a jerk.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%">* One especially hates musical numbers.</span></blockquote><br />
And here's the bonus question from Kevin (via Facebook):<br />
<b>Who dislikes Yosemite Sam?</b><br />
<blockquote>At first glance, this question may appear to have nothing to do with Judaism.* Well, prepare to be educated, my friend.<br />
<br />
First, you need to know Yosemite Sam's origins. Leading into WWII, hatred for Jews was growing in America, too. And the biggest target was Uncle Sam. (Yes, Uncle Sam is Jewish... why do you think he always wears that hat? The horns, people. It always comes back to the horns.)<br />
<br />
Back then, you could tell if someone was Jewish just by seeing if they looked when you said, "Yo, Semite!" So, Friz Freleng created Yo-semite Sam to be the embodiment of hatred and irrational thought, and set him against Bugs Bunny (also Jewish... they're behind the ears).<br />
<br />
So, who dislikes Yosemite Sam? People in favor of freedom and equality, that's who. We dislike him not for who he is, but for what he represents. There are millions of us. Are you one?<br />
<br />
I hope not. One's a jerk.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%">* Same with the second and third glances. Also, every subsequent glance.</span></blockquote><br />
And that brings the 2018 Jew & A to a close. Same time next year (give or take)?<br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-53210301510112263422018-12-04T22:02:00.001-05:002023-10-12T10:19:00.401-04:00Putting the Ish Back in Jewish<p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKER9qsdfp3ZKGRs1AvVl_eHf_CpG3e67iMosSPXsSriJ10VRwWXZMBmTdlqOynjZ-s9qs6KOfig6J7xVKbAFb2HR_cBMmxZA-ZIrYbFeTX-4A_yMKMeacpjWyUtk7N8OsXVBq4or-iIzkzJD0yKwMIFiFpKChAJvPqsTvCvqzCxw60MA8-j_wBcQVAUM/s1600/388_lego_menorah.jpg" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 10px" title="I have a seven-year-old son. Everything in our house is turning to Legos."/>Just in time for whatever day of Hanukkah this is, it's my 9th Annual Jew & A!<br />
<br />
In other words...<br />
<b>I will answer any question you have about Judaism.</b></p>That's right: Just post any questions you have about Jews or Judaism in the comments section before Hanukkah ends (i.e. sundown next Monday, 12/10), and I will answer them.<br />
<br />
Maybe you're curious if your dislike for Yosemite Sam means you really hate all semites. Perhaps you need to settle an argument on whether apple jews or apple seder is the more delicious(ly horrible) pun. Or maybe something has been nagging you for weeks, and you wonder if it's actually, well, a Jew.<br />
<br />
Whatever your query, send it along. Even if it's been asked before; much like its calendar, Judaism itself is constantly in flux.<br />
<br />
So, what would you like to know?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Original Primer and Past Jew & A's:</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2009/12/tis-season.html">Uncle Nate's Wholly Unsubstantiated Hanukkah Primer</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/12/time-for-little-jew.html">One Crazy Guy Explains Eight Crazy Nights</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/12/your-chosen-questions-about-chosen.html">Your Chosen Questions About the Chosen People</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/12/judge-jewry-and-answerquestioner.html">Judaism's Deepest Secrets Revealed</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2013/12/hes-going-to-ask-for-some-sour-cream.html">Jew & A IV: I've Run Out of Clever Titles</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2014/12/heres-what-jew-talkin-about.html">What Jew Talkin' About</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-latke-to-learn.html">You've Got a Latke to Learn</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/12/may-answers-be-with-you.html">Keeping Han in Hanukkah</a></li>
<li><a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/12/its-jew-miracle.html">It's a Jew & A Miracle!</a></li>
</ul>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-1867201271471749842018-05-15T06:15:00.001-04:002023-09-18T16:33:50.210-04:00Magic Haiku Contest Winners!<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidjrYZ8d0TZgGZDgCtfQe77FCs309X--gTQ0ysduM-f0tynVurWao_UypNTS5mi8v5hf7S40Xo8cZSsGldJs7G9KqvQ_M5wSSJBLXM-NuVm7Dnj0MX5fXxxn79fizBUSHmEqtH_qS3K-OA3P3WWlZa08O3xOFIf16WSZXHEE10u9V5eicRI6scKyCweto/s1600/385_magician.png" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 15px" title="If you fool him once, / Shame on him. But fool him twice? / Nice! You found a mark." /> Welcome back, ladies and gents. It's the most magical time of the year! (Andy Williams had it wrong.)<br />
<br />
Anyway, you're probably wondering who won <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2018/04/magic-haiku-contest.html">this year's haiku contest</a>. Well, so am I.<br />
<br />
Let's get to it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Honorable Mentions</b><br />
<br />
<b>Scott</b>, what's With all the Capitalized Words? Ooh, It's a Secret Code, isn't it? So your Assistant Knows <i>tbicmrp</i> is the One To pick? Nope, Not picking It.<br />
<blockquote><i>Terrified Bunny<br />
In his hidden Compartment<br />
Makes Rabbit Pellets</i></blockquote>Of all the entries, this one from my sister <b>Naomi</b> is actually the one I laughed at the hardest when I first read it. But is it magic? According to the judge, no. No kid has ever believed this is magic.<br />
<blockquote><i>The guillotine blade<br />
Was installed slightly askew.<br />
Ha ha! Got your nose!</i></blockquote><b>Betsy Rose</b>'s would make me sad, but luckily I now have a child and can laugh vicariously through him:<br />
<blockquote><i>The child laughs with joy<br />
At the magic everywhere.<br />
Then becomes a man.</i></blockquote>In my early 20s, I once picked up a deck of cards, split the deck, and correctly guessed the chosen card: the four of spades. Since then, I always pick the four of spades. Sorry, <b>Sam Cook</b>, you were so close:<br />
<blockquote><i>Go pick a card, Nate.<br />
Got it? It's the Three of Spades!<br />
(So cool if this works)</i></blockquote>I also liked that <b>Sam</b> brought web design humor. But alas, he only managed to make part of his haiku vanish, not the whole thing. He doesn't win the prize.<br />
<blockquote><i>Abracadbra,<br />
Make this haiku disappear!<br />
<!--this line is hidden--></i></blockquote><br />
<b>First Place - Traditional</b><br />
<br />
Except he does win the prize. Thanks a lot, <b>Sam</b>, for making me a liar.<br />
<blockquote><i>My arm extended<br />
Pointed toward that distant snack<br />
I yearn for The Force</i></blockquote><br />
For those of you who might argue the Force is not magic, that it's just a hokey religion, I completely agree. Of course, I also believe magicians create only illusions, the appeal of baby's laughter is science, and Trix is not even close to magically delicious. It's not like I can disqualify everything on a technicality. Well, I can, since I'm the judge. But I won't.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>First Place - Humorous/Creative</b><br />
<br />
The other one goes to my sister: <br />
<blockquote><i>“It’s LeviOHsa,<br />
Not LeviohSA, you twit.”<br />
“Shut up, HermiOHN.”</i></blockquote><br />
I don't know about the rest of you muggles, but for the first three books of the series, I was sure her name was pronounced HermiOHN. (Well, actually, HERmiohn.) But after the first movie came out I was forced to admit my mistake. I'm also making a mistake naming <b>Naomi</b> a winner, but at least I admit that from the start.<br />
<br />
<br />
And that'll do it for this year's contest. Be sure to read <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2018/04/magic-haiku-contest.html">all the magical entries</a>. Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, or ridiculed my contest. Until next time...<br />
<br />
Leave 'em wantin' more.<br />
That's what they say in show biz.<br />
So I'll just<br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-14907835020343771772018-04-27T09:47:00.001-04:002023-09-18T16:34:06.596-04:00The Magical Haiku Contest<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidjrYZ8d0TZgGZDgCtfQe77FCs309X--gTQ0ysduM-f0tynVurWao_UypNTS5mi8v5hf7S40Xo8cZSsGldJs7G9KqvQ_M5wSSJBLXM-NuVm7Dnj0MX5fXxxn79fizBUSHmEqtH_qS3K-OA3P3WWlZa08O3xOFIf16WSZXHEE10u9V5eicRI6scKyCweto/s1600/385_magician.png" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 15px" title="My assistant? No. / I don't need an assistant. / You're my test subject." /> <b>*** The contest is closed. <a href="https://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2018/05/magic-haiku-contest-winners.html">View the winners.</a> ***</b><br />
<br />
Shazam! It's my 9th annual haiku contest!<br />
<br />
We've previously manipulated <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/04/ninja-haiku-contest.html">ninja</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/05/pirate-haiku-contest.html">pirates</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/04/robot-haiku-contest.html">robots</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2013/05/haiku-contest-space.html">space</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2014/04/haiku-contest-under-sea.html">the ocean</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2015/04/haiku-contest-heroes-villains.html">heroes & villains</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/05/haiku-contest-science.html">science</a>, and <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/04/wild-west-haiku-contest.html">the wild west</a>. But this year's theme, which I just pulled out of thin air, is <b>magic!</b><br />
<br />
There's no trick to it:<br />
Write a bunch of syllables<br />
Seventeen of 'em.<br />
<br />
Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it magical. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.<br />
<br />
To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive <strike>a locked box containing <i>your card! Amazing!</i></strike> <b>$25 Amazon gift cards</b>.<br />
<br />
I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:<br />
<ul style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0"><li>Humorous/Creative</li>
<li>Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)</li>
</ul>In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Because I know that every little thing you write is magic.<br />
<br />
The deadline to submit a haiku is this <b>Monday, May 7</b> at <b>5:00pm</b> (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font-size:85%;line-height:1.3em">Official "Rules":<br />
<ol style="margin-top:0"><li>To enter, post magic-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you try to sneak extras past me, I'll catch you in the act, and you won't get any prestige.</li>
<li>Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you're off by a syllable you could turn me into a newt. I'll get better, but I hold a grudge. You won't win.</li>
<li>The contest is open until Monday, May 7, 2018 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you make me wait for a spell, you're cast out of the contest.</li>
<li>Entries must be in English, though exceptions will be made for magical-sounding phrases (i.e. Latinglish). But anything else will be considered black magicks and that extra k is stupid so you lose.</li>
<li>Anonymous entries will not win. He who shall not be named never wins, not in the end.</li>
<li>Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or the Sorting Hat decrees it.<br />
<ul style="padding-left:20px; margin-left:0"><li>First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.</li>
<li>An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.</li>
</ul></li>
<li>I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless I'm tricked into it.</li>
</ol></div>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-86318632102086916242018-04-06T07:13:00.001-04:002023-09-18T16:36:45.482-04:00Fortune Favors the Cold (Sesame Noodles)<p>Whenever I eat Chinese food, I want a happy ending.</p>The beginning is guaranteed to be good, since I always have wonton soup. But the end is... unpredictable.<br />
<br />
The cookie itself matters not. It's all about the fortune inside. But I don't want trite, pithy sayings. I want something memorable. Something like:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align:center"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr0t9D4trK4AwtX2h1Rdjxq62eluEvDkG_8qeyj4a8j6vTbC3Obv1j-K7U2kLDQxt4D3YyRi4z_ErgaqNMMgRB1VBYDvqN-BF-kczEaWyadTN448f1fFLppp1F3kj6lvXG_MQfRyDkiFrN7YIZc5HgJc3T6uvDAeRATCALfl3m27D_HQXow-1BGBMQvd0/s1600/384_fortune.png" title="Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else's water lily."/></div><br />
I got that one my senior year of college, and it started my collection. And though most of the fortunes I've come across over the years have been dull, soulless things, I've occasionally struck gold. Here's a sampling, haphazardly arranged into groups:<br />
<br />
<b>Um... What?</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>Do what is right, not what you should.</li>
<li>Now go to it! It's ready to be pick.</li>
</ul><b>Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>We are very happy together.</li>
<li>There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.</li>
</ul><b>The Future Is Bright</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>You will be advanced socially, without any special effort.</li>
<li>You will be fortunate in everything</li>
</ul><b>Nope, Not at All Creepy</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>Someone will visit you soon.</li>
</ul><b>Finally, Some Sage Advice</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>Keep your goals away from the trolls.</li>
<li>Teamwork makes the dream work.</li>
<li>Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.</li>
<li>You can depend on the trust of the collective.</li>
<li>Simplicity and clarity should be the theme in your dress.</li>
<li>Make big plans.</li>
<li>You are a perfectionist. Don't spoil it.</li>
<li>When in doubt, mumble.</li>
</ul><b><i>Now</i> You Tell Me</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>Warning: Do not eat your fortune</li>
</ul><b>Time to Drop Some Knowledge</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment.</li>
<li>It is a great piece of skill to know how to guide your luck. Even while waiting for it.</li>
<li>The only rose without a thorn is friendship.</li>
</ul><b>Okay, Stop Dropping the Knowledge. It Clearly Has a Head Injury.</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.</li>
<li>If absolute can be defined, then absolute is not absolute anymore.</li>
<li>Your sweetheart may be too beautiful for words but not for arguments.</li>
<li>Many people who have power become a deaf mute.</li>
</ul><b>Wow, This One's Actually True</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours.</li>
</ul><b>These Are Also True... and Almost Clever. Almost.</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>What is to give light must endure the burning.</li>
<li>Forbidden fruit creates many jams.</li>
<li>The man on the top of the mountain did not fall there.</li>
</ul><b>But This One? It's the Truest of Them All</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>Great! You're ready for a party.</li>
</ul>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-65126802974757356982018-02-23T10:06:00.001-05:002023-09-18T16:43:12.424-04:00Two Steps Forward, One Step Back... Into Improv<p>Back in September, I said I was <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/09/exit-stage-left.html">giving up on improv</a>, and would use the time to work on my novel instead. Since then, I have indeed made some progress. Namely, I:</p><ul><li>finally <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-exposition-excavation-expedition.html">completed the first draft</a>;</li>
<li>re-structured my epic list of planned revisions, organizing the edits by chapter, character, and general terms;</li>
<li>created a spreadsheet mapping individual character arcs, and the emotions and motivations of each character on a chapter-by-chapter basis;</li>
<li>selected a new opening for the first chapter (from among six) after much deliberation;<sup>1</sup></li>
<li>found a resource to answer many research questions concerning detectives and security firms; and</li>
<li>made this list.</li>
</ul>So, have I started writing the second draft? Um...no, not officially.<sup>2</sup><br />
<br />
Although the holidays and the Winter Olympics have proved distracting, there has also been another impeding factor.<sup>3</sup> You see, in November I took a musical improv class.<br />
<br />
I know, I know. Yes, I said I was giving up on improv, but I never said I was giving up on <em>musical</em> improv. (For the uninitiated, that's a different thing entirely.) I figured I'd have a blast over the six weeks (I did), and then take a break until the next musical improv opportunity arose.<br />
<br />
Long story short: It turns out musical improv is my gateway drug.<br />
<br />
By mid-January, I'd signed up for a <em>normal</em> improv class<sup>4</sup> and been recruited into a Marvel-based improv show.<sup>5</sup> But this isn't like before; this time around I'll maintain the proper balance. I'll do improv (but not overdo it). I'll write on a regular schedule (but not too regular). And I'll eat lots and lots of ice cream.<br />
<br />
Can't go wrong with ice cream.<sup>6</sup><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Nor can you go wrong with heroes, villains, and someone pretending to be Stan Lee. If you're in CT next Friday (March 2), come see <a href="https://www.eventbrite.com/e/nerd-ensemble-presents-improvised-marvel-tickets-43211193844" target="_blank">Improvised Marvel</a>!</b> <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align:center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDiEeD0g-hWFX_szbmVU5lGZCus9Pu3WlAx1fhmAGSrdHmsq2k9aA1bg16kpTfnv-qqiSgSr5LulFFBF9Pwd0iDiCPINa7u335mkcOyDFwwO3_1PtF2EWhtbUCo0vbXhttfaQu8YgjZyfjCVFr9qonw8G_ZVDieUKFbd5NpOGcS7TNTsvWP97MUGFCgYk/s2550/383_marvel.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" height="400" data-original-height="2550" data-original-width="1700" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDiEeD0g-hWFX_szbmVU5lGZCus9Pu3WlAx1fhmAGSrdHmsq2k9aA1bg16kpTfnv-qqiSgSr5LulFFBF9Pwd0iDiCPINa7u335mkcOyDFwwO3_1PtF2EWhtbUCo0vbXhttfaQu8YgjZyfjCVFr9qonw8G_ZVDieUKFbd5NpOGcS7TNTsvWP97MUGFCgYk/s400/383_marvel.jpg" title="I'm depicted as Vision, with the red face in the upper right."/></a></div><br />
<em>ink by Kevin O'Toole, color by me</em><br />
(click to embiggen)</div><br />
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><sup>1</sup> Alas, the novel's original first line — <em>At 4:17pm on a Tuesday, Sean Greyson lost his fingers.</em> — did not make the cut. It's a shame, since it led directly to the entire plot as it stands today, but the story is better for it. And it's just the first of many darlings I will be murdering ruthlessly.<br />
<sup>2</sup> Not unofficially, either.<br />
<sup>3</sup> Two, if you count laziness. (But don't do that. Be lazy, like me, and stop counting altogether.)<br />
<sup>4</sup> <em>The horror!</em><br />
<sup>5</sup> <em>The hero...er!</em> (I was hoping for a clever one-two punch of horror and something similar but since they're footnotes maybe it should be called a one-two kick and you know what this is only getting worse so let's pretend this footnote never existed.)<br />
<sup>6</sup> Well, unless it's Final Jeopardy and the answer is clearly gelato. Besides, everyone knows you need to put that shit in the form of a question.</span>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-7864002151663464222018-01-31T23:25:00.001-05:002023-09-19T19:09:57.576-04:005 Lists of 5 For No Reason in ParticularI hadn't posted in a while, so I thought I would. And why bother with a cohesive idea when I can just put together a bunch of lists? (Okay, so I guess I had reasons after all.)<br />
<br />
<div class="viewAll" id="top11list-all"><a href="javascript:showHideAll('top11list',5)">[+] Show/Hide All</a></div>
<div class="listTitle open" id="top18list1-title"><a href="javascript:showHide('top18list1')">5 Things My 6-Year-Old Son Has Said Somewhat Recently</a></div><div class="list" id="top18list1"><ol><li>"He's a water jet. He can't go in the water."<br />
<i>"Can't? If he can't go in water, shouldn't he be a non-water jet?"</i><br />
"Well, at the beginning there is a silent 'non'."</li>
<li>"I'm tired of sleeping."</li>
<li>"I was trying to speak to the chipmunk in bird language, since I don't know how to speak chipmunk."</li>
<li>"I fell in love with her the first day I met her... I'm trying to get to marry her, but she has a different teacher this year."</li>
<li>"When people love me, I just hug 'em."</li>
</ol><br />
</div><div class="listTitle open" id="top18list2-title"><a href="javascript:showHide('top18list2')">5 Non-Traditional Ways to Defend Yourself Against Attack by Vampire</a></div><div class="list" id="top18list2"><ol><li><b>Stay inside your house all the time.</b><br />
And don't invite anyone in. I mean no one. Vampires can only come in if they're invited. Did your husband just bring out the trash? Chances are he's been turned. Lock him out.</li>
<li><b>Stay outside all the time.</b><br />
And keep heading east. Move with the sun. As long as that glorious ball of flame keeps shining overhead—and as long as you steer clear of the shade—you'll be safe.</li>
<li><b>Drink nothing but holy water.</b><br />
One taste, and your blood will burn that vamp from the inside out. A couple round battle scars on your neck are a small price to pay for victory. (Holy frijoles and/or guacamole are also fine ways to supplement your diet.)</li>
<li><b>An army of drone bodyguards just out of visual range. Armed with lasers.</b><br />
With lasers!</li>
<li><b>Clothing entirely covered with pointy wooden stakes.</b><br />
The latest in Milan fashion! And if that toothy character tries anything, just give him a great big hug.</li>
</ol><br />
</div><div class="listTitle open" id="top18list3-title"><a href="javascript:showHide('top18list3')">5 Books I've Stopped Reading But Have Left Bookmarks In, and Why</a></div><div class="list" id="top18list3"><ol><li><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0007149832/" target="_blank">The Yiddish Policemen's Union</a>, Michael Chabon<br />
<i>p. 236 of 411, 3 years ago</i><br />
I tend to slog through Chabon novels—I paused for 3 months 50 pages into <i>Kavalier & Clay</i>—but I still kind of want to know how it ends.</li>
<li><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0143114964/" target="_blank">In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto</a>, Michael Pollan<br />
<i>p. 106 of 205, 2 years ago</i><br />
When we moved, this ended up back on the bookshelf. I only remembered today, while making this list.</li>
<li><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1419704427/" target="_blank">Wonderbook: The Illustrated Guide to Creating Imaginative Fiction</a>, Jeff Vandermeer<br />
<i>p. 16 of 357, 1 year ago</i><br />
Opening chapters didn't keep my interest. Rather than read straight through, when I jump back in I'll skip around a bit.</li>
<li><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802130119/" target="_blank">The Master and Margarita</a>, Mikhail Bulgakov<br />
<i>p. 232 of 402, 3 months ago</i><br />
Made it through book one, but apparently over-the-top Russian satire isn't really my thing. Maybe I'll go back to it?</li>
<li><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1250136474/" target="_blank">The Nowhere Man</a>, Gregg Hurwitz<br />
<i>p. 84 of 358, 23 hours ago</i><br />
It was late, and I had work in the morning.</li>
</ol><br />
</div><div class="listTitle open" id="top18list4-title"><a href="javascript:showHide('top18list4')">5 Ways Vampires Can Counteract Your Non-Traditional Defenses Against Them</a></div><div class="list" id="top18list4"><ol><li><b>Cut your power. Repeatedly.</b><br />
With your internet down and phone dead, eventually you won't be able to pay your landlord/mortgage/taxes, and soon you'll be out on your ass. Hey, good things come to those who wait.</li>
<li><b>Full-body prosthetics from top Hollywood makeup artists.</b><br />
They'll walk right up to you, with you none the wiser. They won't be on fire or nothin'. And then you'll be toast.</li>
<li><b>Two words: Food taster.</b></li>
<li><b>Three words: Trained attack bats.</b><br />
Possibly radio-controlled attack bats. Because, fun!</li>
<li><b>A Spider-Man style upside-down kiss. Of death.</b><br />
Alas, your dress made of stakes can't protect you against attacks from above. Try all you want, but you'll never quite touch that man's heart.</li>
</ol><br />
</div><div class="listTitle open" id="top18list5-title"><a href="javascript:showHide('top18list5')">5 Reasons You Should Be Disappointed With This Post</a></div><div class="list" id="top18list5"><ol><li>I didn't include a single picture of my son with his curls and gap-toothed grin.</li>
<li>Two vampire-related lists, and no cracks about Twilight.</li>
<li>Not a single footnote. Not one.<sup>1</sup></li>
<li>There's no list of ways to counteract the vampires' counters. You're doomed.</li>
<li> </li>
</ol><br />
<span style="font-size:85%"><sup>1</sup> Nope. Sorry. Adding one after the fact doesn't count.</span><br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-31475088552464728622017-12-28T09:22:00.001-05:002023-09-18T16:47:18.520-04:00It's a Jew & A Miracle!<img align="right" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijG5yrZbszao3kFTgLDDqa37_2feTBVXrcJQJIVaAQfw2Wq30D-E2ojEXR9xP1orEFO9z-UA9SCauDs0Mw9zgSBVaCdgk-E8o5hh0jTfdNG8OvnjIs8N5dCs0r0FGvO3j1e_MxWKz9OiD6CCJA4z-6ak1yPSrD3cIJ2BjWhizAoGtMxzl9iGHQUvyB09o/s1600/380_menorah.jpg" style="margin: 0 0 10px 10px;" title="The traditional 'anukkah 'enorah." />I thought I only had enough gumption to procrastinate one day on my answers, but it turns out I had enough for <b>eight whole days</b>. It’s a Jew & A miracle!<br />
<br />
Interestingly, five of the six questions this year are from my own family. I guess I’ve been pretty successful answering all your questions over the years, if it’s just us Jews (and our relatives) questioning our own faith...<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.alexjcavanaugh.com/" target="_blank">Alex J. Cavanaugh</a> asks:<br />
<b>Has your Hanukkah candle ever caught anything on fire?</b><br />
<blockquote>Absolutely. I wouldn’t be much of a Jew if it hadn’t.<br />
<br />
Now, some of you might be confused about the reference to a single Hanukkah candle, when the menorah holds nine. That’s because this is a different candle entirely. You see, when a Jewish child first comes of age (i.e. can first safely hold a lit candle), they get one for their very own. It’s used to burn things.*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 85%;">* After all, as has previously been established, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/12/judge-jewry-and-answerquestioner.html">we’re pyromaniacs</a>.</span></blockquote><br />
My sister Naomi asks:<br />
<b>With Yiddish dying (having died?) out as a spoken language, what is going to happen to all of the delightful Yiddish-influenced expressions we enjoy today, such as, "What chutzpah!" and "Oy vey" and "What, you want I should come up with a title?"</b><br />
<blockquote>First of all, that last expression isn’t Yiddish; it’s Old Jew. There is a difference.<br />
<br />
Also, just because no one’s speaking Yiddish near you doesn’t mean it’s dead or dying. It’s just a flesh wound. Yiddish is alive and well in concentrated pockets throughout the world that are nowhere near you.<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, when a spoken language dies out, its phrases aren’t lost. I mean, Latin is all over our money and our state flags. And though Egyptian hieroglyphics are no longer spoken, everyone knows the sayings “ankh reeds snake” and “bird water creepy eye bird.” You’re worrying over nothing.*<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 85%;">* Just like a good Jew. L’chaim!</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DlYZJeImKNU/WkT8BTxfi8I/AAAAAAAAAK4/UNwVdL3IuHUHqHNmLHeBt450WcLzQJdGwCLcBGAs/s320/381_hieroglyphics.png" title="Classic." /></div></blockquote><br />
My father Charles asks:<br />
<b>The boxes of Chanukah candles claim to have the correct number of candles for the holiday. Why do we always run out halfway through?</b><br />
<blockquote>Why do you keep buying Chanukah candles, when what you’re celebrating is Hanukkah? There’s your problem.<br />
<br />
Also, you might want to check your grandsons’ pockets.</blockquote><br />
My 7-year-old nephew Solomon asks:<br />
<b>Why gefilte fish?</b><br />
<blockquote>I’ll admit this perplexed me for years as well, until I finally came across the answer. It turns out the reason Jews eat gefilte fish is... well, basically, we lost a bet.<br />
<br />
It’s too bad, otherwise the goyim would be eating gefilte fish while we feasted upon Christmas ham.</blockquote><br />
My 4-year-old nephew Norman asks:<br />
<b>Why do guys light the ‘enorah?</b><br />
<blockquote>Guys light the ‘enorah, girls light the wo’enorah. It’s the way it has always been. Tradition!</blockquote><br />
And lastly, my brother-in-law Josh asks:<br />
<b>Why are Jewish schools closed on Fridays?</b><br />
<blockquote>To make you gentiles jealous, of course.<br />
<br />
Three day weekends, beeyatch!</blockquote><br />
And that brings this year’s Jew & A to a close. Now that you have been suitably informed, go forth and share what you have learned. Preferably, in Yiddish. Or hieroglyphics.<br />
<br />
Water tchotchke bird tuchis!Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-82715907051303567112017-12-12T16:19:00.002-05:002023-09-18T16:47:45.551-04:00What, You Want I Should Come Up with a Title?<p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijG5yrZbszao3kFTgLDDqa37_2feTBVXrcJQJIVaAQfw2Wq30D-E2ojEXR9xP1orEFO9z-UA9SCauDs0Mw9zgSBVaCdgk-E8o5hh0jTfdNG8OvnjIs8N5dCs0r0FGvO3j1e_MxWKz9OiD6CCJA4z-6ak1yPSrD3cIJ2BjWhizAoGtMxzl9iGHQUvyB09o/s1600/380_menorah.jpg" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 10px" title="On the first night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me: tube socks numbering three."/>It's a random Tuesday in December, and you know what that means: It's time for my 8th Annual Jew & A! In other words...<br />
<br />
<b>I will answer any question you have about Judaism.</b></p>Post any questions you might have about Jews or Judaism in the comments section before Hanukkah ends (i.e. sundown on 12/20), and I will answer them for you.<br />
<br />
Maybe you need help telling sufganiyot and Sufjan Stevens apart. Perhaps you're unsure about the authenticity of your King James Torah. Or maybe you want to know what Trump's embassy decision means for "next year in Jerusalem."<br />
<br />
Whatever your query, send it my way. Even if it's been asked before, don't let that stop you — much like the Jewish calendar, the answers to such questions are in constant flux.<br />
<br />
So, what do you want to know?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Original Primer and Past Jew & A's:</b><br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2009/12/tis-season.html">Uncle Nate's Wholly Unsubstantiated Hanukkah Primer</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/12/time-for-little-jew.html">One Crazy Guy Explains Eight Crazy Nights</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/12/your-chosen-questions-about-chosen.html">Your Chosen Questions About the Chosen People</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/12/judge-jewry-and-answerquestioner.html">Judaism's Deepest Secrets Revealed</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2013/12/hes-going-to-ask-for-some-sour-cream.html">Jew & A IV: I've Run Out of Clever Titles</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2014/12/heres-what-jew-talkin-about.html">What Jew Talkin' About</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-latke-to-learn.html">You've Got a Latke to Learn</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/12/may-answers-be-with-you.html">Keeping Han in Hanukkah</a></li>
</ul>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-16506904124973293342017-11-30T07:08:00.002-05:002023-10-11T18:11:44.101-04:00What Else I Was Doing When I Should Have Been Writing<p>Last month, I mentioned I'd been spending <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-exposition-excavation-expedition.html">too much time doing improv</a>, and had been neglecting my novel as a result. But of course, improv wasn't the only thing keeping me from my fiction.</p>Writing should be one of my top priorities whenever my son is asleep, watching TV, or not at home. But it would seem I'm too easily distracted. Here's a partial list of what I was doing instead:<br />
<ul><li>I was writing. Admittedly, the number of blog posts has been steadily declining (apart from a 31-day attempt at a kick-start last January), but it's still something.<br/> </li>
<li>I read a lot. And watched a bunch of TV. Far too much TV.<br/> </li>
<li>I was writing. I enter literary agent Janet Reid's flash fiction contests on occasion, and have garnered one win each of the <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/03/spoon.html">last</a> <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/11/i-went-and-did-it-again.html">three</a> <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/01/the-deceptively-creepy-homonym.html">years</a> (and five in total).<br/> </li>
<li>I fixed up a house, packed up a house, and moved to a new house. (And maintained the old house for far too long.)<br/> </li>
<li>I was writing. Lyrics. To a parody mash-up of <em>Hamilton's</em> "Non-Stop" and Thomas the Tank Engine.<br/> </li>
<li>I built 200 square feet of patio. I am so proud I did this myself (with some assistance from Denise and the boy), and so proud I'll never have to do it again.<br/> </li>
<li>I was writing. Lyrics. And melody. For an original song which I envision being the opening to a musical (which may never get written, and still needs full orchestration).<br/> </li>
<li>I built a shed — and the platform it goes on — with my dad. Compared to the patio, this was a cake walk. (But don't worry, no cake was trod upon.)<br/> </li>
<li>I was writing. Personalized birthday and wedding cards. Recently, these have included a Choose-Your-Own Adventure, an escape room, an overabundance of anagrams, and an homage to the game Secret Hitler.<br/> </li>
<li>I did the dishes. So many dishes.<br/> </li>
<li>I was writing. Clues. For 3 crosswords which I created just to see if I could. There's a mid-week puzzle, a Sunday puzzle, and a cryptic crossword. I was aiming for NY Times quality, but as these were my first attempts I fell a bit short.<br />
<ul><li><b><a href="https://drive.google.com/file/d/19Olaf708HDcIz1eE_g0VfirJAd2sL4lv/view?usp=drive_link">Download a PDF of all 3 puzzles</a></b></li>
<li>And if you need them, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=tips+for+solving+cryptic+crosswords" target="_blank">tips for solving cryptic crosswords</a></li>
</ul></li>
</ul><div style="text-align:center"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimRZBSGKQNHFJAX0b4XD-LkYbT44bSFxJVT8U3yTvkXz_Pgn5QGJQFKZxK2kw3uHImpP_PfPrkaqQNYrIxMxQGep11eQD1_ZOWUpm6rgFQlBngnaGRhn7H8y56yeshK-cuB2PJaHM-gHFOhb2_5wGB0HB4VnzW5qvX7d3Ek_YzawzykQfdAon0UoUtzFU/s1600/379_crosswords.png" width="366" height="176" /></div><br />
So yeah, that's what I've been doing. Which makes the solution pretty clear: Naomi, if you want me to finish my novel, you'd better come do our dishes.Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-372944751508371292017-10-25T07:07:00.001-04:002023-09-18T16:50:54.884-04:00The Exposition Excavation Expedition<p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe02YsUnVovs42X3Iy_-4WwMbyBDTJDPKeMZ_x3QfZoKKU3Ob0zIW95MK9PzcbRig8LPNycurl82bCfTpmFYb9QIfpIwiU4JYF-SN_Wi02O6JeBC41qrcn55fi11AP7yejZ4Z4htHdn0uH0UYdTTFyYDryNFn29yAEGcRS-z1PSbzj8J-Bz0a5SwlBMEY/s1600/378_excavation.png" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 10px" title="They say you need to murder your darlings. So I'm going after mine with a pick axe." />It finally happened: I have completed the first draft of my novel.<br />
<br />
Yes, the one with the invisible monkeys. And no, don't try to remember how long it took me.<sup>1</sup> The important thing is I finished it; I'd never completed a story over 2,500 words before. So yeah, this is kind of a big deal.</p>Which means, of course, that it's time for me to sit back, grab a drink, and <strike>celebrate!</strike> re-write the entire thing.<br />
<br />
You heard me.<br />
<br />
Okay, maybe it won't be a complete rewrite, but an extreme makeover is certainly in order. There are adverbs and adjectives to excise. Exposition to expunge. A whole stable of overused words (even still, only just that) to extract. So much tell (characters feeling and seeing) to exchange for show.<br />
<br />
Not to mention all that's changed since I started this thing. My writing style, for one. My understanding of what makes for good writing, for another. Technology.<sup>2</sup> Politics. Hell, one of my characters switched genders 3/4 of the way through the book. Another never reappeared after chapter 7.<sup>3</sup><br />
<br />
As I wrote, I kept notes in a second document when new ideas surfaced, rather than make the edits right away. Today, that document is nearly 1/4 the length of the book. Sixty-five pages, single spaced. And that's not the worst of it.<br />
<br />
Many of the notes are no longer valid. Dozens contradict each other. And I guarantee some will have me wondering what the hell I was talking about. Add in all the research I also have ahead of me—into the Secret Service, police procedure, weaponry—and this rewrite becomes quite the daunting prospect.<br />
<br />
But then I think about you. Yes, you.<sup>4</sup> Some of you have been waiting years to read about these monkeys. Others are itching for me to finish this damned thing so I'll get back to my next novel, with Captain Interrobang and the other not-so-super superheroes. I can't just sit idly by.<br />
<br />
No, I need to sit actively by, and get to work.<br />
<br />
It's time to start digging.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%"><sup>1</sup> Certainly don't remember that when I started, there was no such thing as an iPhone.<br />
<sup>2</sup> See Footnote 1. I'll need to go Blackberry picking, and remove all such references.<br />
<sup>3</sup> No, I don't mean she remained invisible the rest of the way. Though I can see why you might think so.<br />
<sup>4</sup> Hi there.</span><br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-30714006834265312562017-09-15T07:01:00.001-04:002023-09-18T18:00:31.840-04:00Exit, Stage Left<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiSInvIqvi2Piun7t9IoKjl8_DHX7pVFqrFkHyE4rhkgvAKEyKImSa1becjZ1MmEv7D22yjq8rHFBAHunMai9eF5pFoyaVRGeBuC3WrIvAXUGLq21SsMYWV2JN_lme6Sz0yU2u1kNG1VEJZiEcTmLt2HppmYA_WUtvJoGTKapF8WitBQqGh0eCuJ3wfr4/s1600/377_improv.png" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 10px" title="DON'T throw your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care" />I've been doing too much improv.<br />
<br />
It began five and a half years ago, with a single class. Soon I was hitting the improv scene 2-3 times a week, occasionally for 10 hours straight. The only hobby I did more in that span is reading.<sup>1</sup> And not to toot my own horn,<sup>2</sup> but I'd gotten pretty good.<sup>3</sup><br />
<br />
Nevertheless, thanks to a mass tryout in May, I learned I'm not good enough to be in any of the local improv groups. (My words, not theirs.)<br />
<br />
Which got me thinking. Well, first it got me fretting and stewing and plotting revenge. But then it got me thinking.<br />
<br />
Without an outlet to perform for my friends and family, it would be selfish to continue to do so much improv. Not to mention, I've enjoyed it less since the rejection. Thus, I'm stepping away.<br />
<br />
But fear not, dear readers! I'm not giving up! Okay, I kind of am, but not really. What you're witnessing here is a shift in priorities. You know all those hours I used to devote to improv? I'll be writing instead. Let me break it down for you:<br />
<blockquote>Less improv = more writing<br />
More writing = more blog posts and finished stories<br />
More blog posts and finished stories = happier readers</blockquote>Now, I'm no mathologist, but I believe that means less improv equals happier readers. And I'm all for that.<br />
<br />
And instead of selfishly entertaining myself (via improv), I'll be selflessly entertaining my friends and family.<sup>4</sup> That's a win in my book.<sup>5</sup><br />
<br />
Besides, it's not like I'm abandoning improv completely. I'll drop in to visit once in a while. And who knows, maybe someday I'll be welcomed into another group. But for now, alas, the love affair is over. I'm running back into the arms of my old mistress, the written word.<br />
<br />
<p>It's not you, improv. It's me.<br />
No hard feelings. I wish you all the best.<br />
And hey, I'll see you around.</p><br />
<span style="font-size:85%"><sup>1</sup> Procrastination doesn't count. It's not a hobby; it's a life choice.<br />
<sup>2</sup> Because I don't own one.<br />
<sup>3</sup> At improv, that is. Also, at reading.<br />
<sup>4</sup> In that order.<br />
<sup>5</sup> Which I'm still in the process of writing. Give me a moment to breathe, people; I only switched priorities a couple paragraphs ago.</span><br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-41356756187825335612017-05-15T07:20:00.001-04:002023-09-18T18:01:53.010-04:00Wild West Haiku Contest: Winners!<p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnVWKCsvDuK7eVYBqjFmteqNX_Ubf8gra0sTXdHP1yrnm6GMHGFr8dJd9Lf13rGcculdJ8Pe8FOp5MgAuGmGEaO52fsptN_gcfEhAJEAVS8cv9Cyyi9mJmJIV20mv5rQdNz61a0IW2tGkAWwU4GC1h5FSYFmm8fXWkFas5yXnN4kNouRvhq0Qlz3yo-vg/s1600/375_sheriff.jpg" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 15px" title="A tip for cowboys / Don't ride off into the sun / It's made of lava" />I apologize for taking a week to announce the winners of <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/04/wild-west-haiku-contest.html">this year's contest</a>, but I was delayed by unexpected circumstances <i>*cough cough laziness cough cough*</i> and I'd better get to it quick since it sounds like I'm coming down with a cold.</p><br />
First of all, let me say you guys outdid yourselves this year. Picking the winners was <i>tough</i>. A couple brief observations before I get to the winners:<br />
<ul><li>I didn't realize titles on haiku were a thing. As long as the title wasn't required to understand the poem (and thus, a way of sneaking in extra syllables), I allowed it.</li>
<li>I knew movie references would be a thing. But I didn't expect they'd end up completely shut out of the prizes. A couple came close, but in the end, no pop culture references (be they movie or <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/04/wild-west-haiku-contest.html?showComment=1493924977696#c5398858826417277970">video game</a>) made the cut.</li>
</ul>As always, remember my judging is very subjective, but my word is law. Still, make sure to <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/04/wild-west-haiku-contest.html">check out all the action-packed entries</a>.<br />
<br />
Anyway, let's get to it.<br />
<br />
<b>Mention (Not Honorable, Not Dishonorable... Just Mention)</b><br />
<br />
After five stray shots (<a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/04/wild-west-haiku-contest.html?showComment=1493149154961#c2977090815940036767">TomBstone</a> my favorite among them), <b>Scott</b>'s sixth rang true:<br />
<blockquote>Apparently all<br />
I know about the wild west<br />
Is from the movies<br />
</blockquote><br />
<b>Honorable Mentions</b><br />
<br />
For me, this one was the most shocking. Not only did my dad (<b>Charles Wilson</b>) provide a serious entry, but it was actually good. He's come a long way from his early entries purposely insulting haiku. And gift cards. (<a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/04/ninja-haiku-contest.html?showComment=1272568059366#c2323459130362143705">2010</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/05/pirate-haiku-contest.html?showComment=1336096268865#c8504726966201213044">2011</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/04/robot-haiku-contest.html?showComment=1336068262818#c2782654732238636852">2012</a>)<br />
<blockquote>Spaghetti Westerns<br />
were my childhood food and drink<br />
and still nourish me<br />
</blockquote>From <b>Bob Chase</b>, I'm not sure if this one qualifies as humor or horror:<br />
<blockquote>Sleeping on the ground <br />
The fire goes out way too soon <br />
Horse lips touch my lips<br />
</blockquote>I don't know if Billy the Kid ever actually faced off in this style of showdown, but I love the imagery here from <b>Keith A. Simmonds</b>:<br />
<blockquote>Showdown at high noon...<br />
Billy the Kid walks slowly<br />
set to flash his colts<br />
</blockquote><b>Sam Cook</b> provided this fine one-two combo of great visuals and subtle humor:<br />
<blockquote>The doors swing open<br />
Silence covers the saloon<br />
Piano gets tuned<br />
</blockquote>And <b>Gillian Skow</b>, I think, did the best job of capturing the voice of the wild west, so to speak:<br />
<blockquote>Howdy gunslinger<br />
We don't want no trouble here<br />
Glassware is costly<br />
</blockquote><br />
<b>First Place - Humorous</b><br />
<br />
<b>Sam</b> takes home the Humorous prize for the second straight year with this one. It still makes me chuckle every time I read it. Killer stuff, Sam:<br />
<blockquote>Stop calling me Kid<br />
It's a little demeaning<br />
I'm William the Man<br />
</blockquote><br />
<b>First Place - Traditional</b><br />
<br />
With <b>Betsy Rose</b>'s entry, I'm having trouble putting into words why it speaks to me, but luckily I don't need to explain myself. All I need to do is say it wins. And it has.<br />
<blockquote>The land of big sky<br />
Now tamed by small minded men<br />
The West: wild no more.<br />
</blockquote><br />
<b>First Place - Creative</b><br />
<br />
There were too many great haiku not to reward a third this year, and <b>Larysa</b> gave me the best twist on the Wild West theme. Or maybe I just like puns. Either way, she nets a prize.<br />
<blockquote>Big film producer<br />
Directing film called "The Sun."<br />
It's set in the west.<br />
</blockquote><br />
And that brings this year's contest to close. Sam, Betsy, and Larysa, I think I have your email addresses, but just to be sure, please send me a note at theothernate@yahoo.com and I'll get you your winnings.<br />
<br />
Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, tweeted, ridiculed, or hacked my contest. Until next time...<br />
<br />
<i>As I do each year,<br />
I will end with a haiku.<br />
This is that haiku.</i>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-17103591299660507562017-04-25T07:00:00.001-04:002023-09-18T18:02:06.471-04:00Wild West Haiku Contest!<p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnVWKCsvDuK7eVYBqjFmteqNX_Ubf8gra0sTXdHP1yrnm6GMHGFr8dJd9Lf13rGcculdJ8Pe8FOp5MgAuGmGEaO52fsptN_gcfEhAJEAVS8cv9Cyyi9mJmJIV20mv5rQdNz61a0IW2tGkAWwU4GC1h5FSYFmm8fXWkFas5yXnN4kNouRvhq0Qlz3yo-vg/s1600/375_sheriff.jpg" align="right" style="margin:0 0 10px 15px" title="I shot the sheriff / And I shot the deputy / So now I'm sheriff" /><b>*** The contest has ended. <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2017/05/wild-west-haiku-contest-winners.html">View the winners here</a>. ***</b><br />
<br />
Welcome to my 8th annual haiku contest!<br />
<br />
We've previously explored <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/04/ninja-haiku-contest.html">ninja</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/05/pirate-haiku-contest.html">pirates</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/04/robot-haiku-contest.html">robots</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2013/05/haiku-contest-space.html">space</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2014/04/haiku-contest-under-sea.html">the ocean</a>, <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2015/04/haiku-contest-heroes-villains.html">heroes & villains</a>, and <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/05/haiku-contest-science.html">science</a>. But now it's time to go a different direction with <b>Wild West haiku!</b></p>It's pretty simple:<br />
Write seventeen syllables<br />
And shoot 'em my way.<br />
<br />
Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and have it involve the wild west. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.<br />
<br />
To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive <strike>the entire Gadsden Purchase</strike> <b>$25 Amazon gift cards</b>.<br />
<br />
I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:<br />
<ul style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0"><li>Humorous/Creative</li>
<li>Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)</li>
</ul>In addition, I may also reward a third entry if I see fit. So, go west, young men and women!<br />
<br />
The deadline to submit a haiku is this <b>Sunday, May 7</b> at <b>5:00pm</b> (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font-size:85%;line-height:1.3em">Official "Rules":<br />
<ol style="margin-top:0"><li>To enter, post Wild-West-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of six (6) entries. If you haven't hit your mark by then, you're out of luck. You won't be given the chance to reload.</li>
<li>Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, you're nothin' but a goldurn cheat, and you won't see a dime.</li>
<li>The contest is open until Sunday, May 7, 2017 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If your entry arrives after the allotted time, you won't have a chance at a prize. That train will have left the station.</li>
<li>Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't grasp your meaning, it means you ain't from around here. And we don't take kindly to strangers in these parts. You won't win.</li>
<li>Anonymous entries will not win. If I don't know who you are, you're a stranger. See Rule 4.</li>
<li>Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or if I'm hallucinating from exposure.<br />
<ul style="padding-left:20px; margin-left:0"><li>First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.</li>
<li>An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive both mention and honor. Not necessarily in that order.</li>
</ul></li>
<li>I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless circumstances change.<br />
</li>
<li><b>NEW RULE (as of May 1): "Wild" can sound like 1 or 2 syllables, depending on how you say it. Sure, the internet says it's 1, but the internet is full of lies. For this contest, "wild" is wild: depending on what you need for your haiku, it can be either 1 or 2 syllables.</b></li>
</ol></div>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-64658992366387157552017-03-20T07:01:00.000-04:002017-03-20T07:01:00.209-04:00SPOON!<p>To start the year off right, I procrastinated for over two months before writing my first blog post. (Yes, I consider this to be a good thing. After all, I have a black belt in procrastination.)<sup>1</sup></p>In the interim, however, I did write a 100-word story containing the words<br />
<p style="text-align:center">pry - jet - blue - desert - gnaw</p><blockquote>"He sprayed you?"<br />
<br />
"With one of those new Jango Fett--sorry, new-<i>fangled <u>jet</u></i> power washers. Called me impure."<br />
<br />
"You should've reported him."<br />
<br />
"I did. That's why he chopped down s<u>pry</u> moose. <i>My spruce.</i> From my daughter's memorial garden. He said it defiled his yard."<br />
<br />
"Wow."<br />
<br />
"Prejudice brings out people's shoe tra<u>des. Er, <i>t</i></u><i>rue shades</i>."<br />
<br />
"Yet, if it's his house..."<br />
<br />
"I know. And he had me wino saver. <i>Si<u>gn a w</u>aiver.</i> When I rented the place from the affluent buck. Dammit. <i>A<u>blue</u>nt f</i>--"<br />
<br />
"I get it. So, you're here to lodge another complaint?"<br />
<br />
"What? No. Biz hottie's in try monk."<br />
</blockquote><br />
This brings my total wins on literary agent Janet Reid's blog to five. I do have an advantage, though: She happens to enjoy clever wordplay, which I've employed in <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/07/horrible-puns-for-win.html">four</a> of <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/01/the-deceptively-creepy-homonym.html">my</a> <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/11/i-went-and-did-it-again.html">five</a> victories.<sup>2</sup><br />
<br />
But enough about me. Go check out the other winning entry and all the other finalists, all of which are <a href="http://jetreidliterary.blogspot.com/2017/02/preliminary-contest-results_27.html" target="_blank">bucking frilliant</a>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%"><sup>1</sup> It's not an actual level you can attain, like in martial arts. All it means is sometimes I wear a black belt while procrastinating. Usually because I've chosen to wear black shoes that day. I may rock the socks-and-sandals look, but I'm not entirely devoid of fashion sense.<br />
<sup>2</sup> Or three of them, if you don't consider the puns in my first win clever.</span><br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-19606798169473459252016-12-28T09:24:00.001-05:002023-09-18T18:06:00.071-04:00May the Answers Be With You<div style="text-align:center"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbXdaSMaSxkveUNiovYgjVpcqKRy8MQdusMHWGy-Cf5Y0X1Q1Mud3YG1-W7_0UeawWqdsAjR9FVfoBBRc7LZW5sgb9f4K47JLjFztxYNfPNSOnaAl33oA7hEF9Ytjybl_7fWBgGR3pCwxwVpKPurmFfc3nSnpVn8vIxF16ANIyQh7ej6LzDJIh3EiIyYY/s1600/372_han-nukah.jpg" title="Keeping Han in Hanukkah. Not too shabby." /></div><p>I got nine questions this year, which is fitting, since that’s exactly how many commandments Moses had on his tablets, more or less.</p>A couple questions were more about me than Judaism, which isn’t entirely kosher — their creation wasn’t overseen by a rabbi — but I’ll start with those:<br />
<br />
Carolyn asks:<br />
<b>What’s your favorite part of being Jewish?</b><br />
<blockquote>For me, the most fulfilling part is being able to act as a sort of unofficial Jewish ambassador, answering all these questions for you fine folk each year.<br />
<br />
But if that answer feels like a cop out... I suppose the best <i>traditional</i> part of being Jewish would probably be all the money.</blockquote><a href="http://www.alexjcavanaugh.com/" target="_blank">Alex J. Cavanaugh</a> asks:<br />
<b>Do you ever feel left out at Christmastime?</b><br />
<blockquote>No, I don’t. Of course, that may be because I married a Catholic.<br />
<br />
So, did I feel left out before I met my wife? No, I didn’t. Of course, that may be because I started celebrating the traditional Jewish Christmas (movies and Chinese food) at age 13.<br />
<br />
So, did I feel left out before the advent of our Jewish Christmas? No, I didn’t. Of course, that may be because my entire childhood was magical and nothing bad ever happened and fa la la la la I can’t hear you.</blockquote><br />
<br />
And now we’ll get to the seven questions about Judaism, which is a fitting total since it’s the exact number of nights in Hanukkah, give or take: <br />
<br />
<a name="horns"></a>Sam Cook asks:<br />
<b>How do I know if my children are Jewish? I wouldn't want to be presumptuous and assume they aren't just because their parents aren't.</b><br />
<blockquote>First, look for the horns.<br />
<br />
No, but seriously. Look for them. Every Jew has horns. From an early age, we’ve learned to hide them, disguise them, but they’re there.<br />
<br />
If you don’t see any horns, look for a tail.</blockquote>Carolyn asks:<br />
<b>Is there a traditional Hannukah meal?</b><br />
<blockquote>Yes. Yes there is.<br />
<br />
The traditional Hannukah meal is made of finely minced potato. It’s not as popular as other traditional meals (e.g. corn, oat, happy), which is why it’s typically only available this time of year.</blockquote>Gillian says:<br />
<b>[My daughter’s band director said] they couldn't play any traditional Jewish songs, because traditional Jewish music is played in keys that 7th grade band students haven't learned to play yet. Please explain, in terms that the non-Jewish and non-musical among us can comprehend.</b><br />
<blockquote>Like your car or house keys, keys in music are also used to unlock things. The difference is in what they unlock: emotions. Moods.<br />
<br />
In our history, Jews have become extremely familiar with suffering, heartache, and fear, often intertwined with seeds of hope. These feelings are ingrained in our genes (i.e. our JDNA), and thus woven into our music as well. Since most 7th graders have yet to experience such raw emotions, they cannot fully grasp the nuances of traditional Jewish music. Only later in life, once they’ve unlocked these emotions, will they be able to play with the proper mix of somberness and joy. While standing on a roof.</blockquote>Denise’s Aunt Sharon asks:<br />
<b>So, which day of Hanukkah IS the most important???</b><br />
<blockquote>The middle one.</blockquote>Scott asks:<br />
<b>Why do we learn that the Menorah is lit at Hannukkah, when, traditionally, a Hannukiah is used for the holiday? In other words, what are you hiding!!??</b><br />
<blockquote>We learn this because that’s what happens. We light the menorah at Hannukkah.<br />
<br />
Think of it this way: Traditionally, the three Magi are pictured riding dromedaries. But we call them camels, because they’re a type of camel. It’s the same thing with hanukkiahs and menorahs (except the Magi don’t ride them).<br />
<br />
So, to answer your question about what it is I’m hiding... it’s a horrible book, somewhere in your new house.</blockquote>My sister Naomi asks:<br />
<b>How do Jews celebrate Christmas when it falls on the first day of Chanukah? Is the traditional movie and Chinese food sufficient? Or does the movie need to be Chanukah themed? Are there Sweet and Sour Latkes?</b><br />
<blockquote>When Christmas falls on the first day of Chanukah, the traditional Jewish manner of celebration does indeed need to be tweaked:<br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li>You must wear the socks and/or underwear you received the first night of Chanukah.</li>
<li>To determine who gets the Chinese appetizers, play a game of dreidel.</li>
<li>The movie(s) you see must already have been in the theater for 8 nights.</li>
</ul>Oh, but I don’t get your last question. Latkes are always sweet and sour. That’s why they’re always served with apple sausage and sauerkraut.</blockquote>And finally, John asks:<br />
<b>Why are there two spellings of 'Hannukah/Chanukkah?' Silly question, I know, but I've always wondered about it.</b><br />
<blockquote>It’s not a silly question at all. I may have <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2009/12/tis-season.html">explained the correct spelling of Hanukkah</a> in my primer years ago, and then later <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/12/your-chosen-questions-about-chosen.html">revised my answer</a>, and <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2013/12/hes-going-to-ask-for-some-sour-cream.html">re-revised it</a>, but now all of those are woefully outdated. You’re right to seek a more timely answer.<br />
<br />
The reason it can be spelled both ‘Hannukah/Chanukkah’ and ‘Hanukkah/Chanukah’ is because Jews have always been way ahead of the game on lax spelling. Long before verbage, supposably, and whatevs were added to the dictionary, we knew this was the route humanity was heading. So we made the spelling of our most well-known holiday flexible. That way goyim such as yourself can never get it wrong.<br />
<br />
You’re welcome. Obvs.</blockquote><br />
Thank you all for your questions! I’m glad I could help keep so many of you so well informed! And as always, we’ll do this again next Hanukkah... which for all we know may be starting any minute now.Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-66607678077087696412016-12-16T11:33:00.001-05:002023-09-18T18:06:28.291-04:00Keeping Han in Hanukkah<div style="text-align:center"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbXdaSMaSxkveUNiovYgjVpcqKRy8MQdusMHWGy-Cf5Y0X1Q1Mud3YG1-W7_0UeawWqdsAjR9FVfoBBRc7LZW5sgb9f4K47JLjFztxYNfPNSOnaAl33oA7hEF9Ytjybl_7fWBgGR3pCwxwVpKPurmFfc3nSnpVn8vIxF16ANIyQh7ej6LzDJIh3EiIyYY/s1600/372_han-nukah.jpg" title="Not too shabby." /></div><p>Remember that part in The Empire Strikes Back where Leia tells Han she loves him and he says, "I know"? That's what I want for you. I want — when someone brings up something interesting or profound about Hanukkah or Judaism — that you'll already know it.</p>With that in mind, it's time for my 7th Annual Jew & A! In other words...<br />
<br />
<b>I will answer any question you have about Judaism.</b><br />
<br />
Post any questions you might have about Jews or Judaism in the comments section before Hanukkah begins (i.e. sundown on 12/24), and I will answer them for you.<br />
<br />
Perhaps you've always wanted to know what the Jews were <i>really</i> doing in that desert for 40 years. Or how to tell the difference between a regular Jewish American girl and a Princess. Whatever your query, send it my way. Even if it's been asked before, don't let that stop you — much like the Jewish calendar, the answers to such questions are in constant flux.<br />
<br />
So, what do you want to know?<br />
<br />
<br />
The Original Primer and Past Jew & A's:<br />
<ul style="margin-top:0"><li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2009/12/tis-season.html">Uncle Nate's Wholly Unsubstantiated Hanukkah Primer</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/12/time-for-little-jew.html">One Crazy Guy Explains Eight Crazy Nights</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2011/12/your-chosen-questions-about-chosen.html">Your Chosen Questions About the Chosen People</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/12/judge-jewry-and-answerquestioner.html">Judaism's Deepest Secrets Revealed</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2013/12/hes-going-to-ask-for-some-sour-cream.html">Jew & A IV: I've Run Out of Clever Titles</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2014/12/heres-what-jew-talkin-about.html">What Jew Talkin' About</a></li>
<li><a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-latke-to-learn.html">You've Got a Latke to Learn</a></li>
</ul>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-33763171726687888612016-11-24T07:13:00.000-05:002016-11-24T07:13:01.422-05:00I'm Full of It<p>Wherein it = thank. I am full of thank.<br />
<br />
Yes, the next four years are going to be scary. When a man who believes in gay conversion therapy is considered the sane one in the bunch, we've got problems. But as worried as I am about the coming Trumpocalypse, more than anything else I am thankful.</p>For what am I thankful? I'm glad I'm pretending you asked.<br />
<ul><li>Everyone who voted for those turkeys, because without them we wouldn't yet know just how broken our country is, and now we can work to fix it.<br />
<br />
</li>
<li>My son, because to him I'm the funniest person in the world.<br />
<br />
</li>
<li>Improv, because sometimes a guy just needs to pretend he's plankton for a while, or to sing of the many benefits of a lost toe.<sup>1</sup><br />
<br />
</li>
<li>Friends and family, because alliteration? Awesome.<br />
<br />
</li>
<li>Those times when you think you're out of cheese but it turns out you still have some cheese left, because mmm cheese.<br />
<br />
</li>
<li>Cats and kittens, because they make absolutely fantastic hand warmers during the cold winter months.<br />
<br />
</li>
<li>Cold winter months, because of what I already said about cats and kittens. Do I have to draw you a diagram?<br />
<br />
</li>
<li>Epiphany moments, because, I mean, c'mon.<br />
<br />
</li>
<li>And of course, my lovely wife Denise, because even after all this time, her taste in husbands has not improved one bit.</li>
</ul><br />
Happy Turkey Day, everyone!<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%"><sup>1</sup> You save money on nail polish, for instance. And pedicures. Toe stubbings drop 10%. Plus, now your foot will fit into that dashing prince's glass slipper.</span>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-1732133010052368782016-11-02T06:54:00.000-04:002017-03-16T21:36:12.778-04:00I Went and Did It Again<p>Longtime readers <strike>hate</strike> know that I <strike>crave the opportunity to</strike> like to <strike>show off</strike> share my <strike>brilliant creations</strike> humble stories whenever one <strike>knocks the judge's sox off</strike> ekes out a contest win. <strike>Unsurprisingly</strike> Unexpectedly, a few weeks ago I won <strike>another much-deserved victory</strike> again.</p>Normally, I'd <strike>hype the unfettered creativity of</strike> explain the thought process behind my <strike>genius</strike> winning entry, but today I'll just <strike>let you revel in its glory</strike> leave you to it.<br />
<br />
(Instead needing to work five specific words into the story like in <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2010/07/horrible-puns-for-win.html">my</a> <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2012/02/and-dont-call-me-shirley.html">past</a> <a href="http://wheelisonfire.blogspot.com/2016/01/the-deceptively-creepy-homonym.html">wins</a>, the sole requirement this time was to start with the phrase "No questions asked.")<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">No. Questions Asked: 5<br />
No. Clear Answers Received: 0<br />
<br />
Q1- 911. What is the nature of your emergency?<br />
Q2- Understood. What's your location, ma'am?<br />
Q3- I assume you cannot speak freely?<br />
Q4- Are you in immediate danger?<br />
Q5- Last question. Does he have a gun?<br />
<br />
A1- No, I don't really have time for a survey.<br />
A2- I thought our landline was on the no-call list, but if there's a prize...<br />
A3- Beats me. Maybe... once a week?<br />
A4- Come now, don't be rude.<br />
A5- That's no defense. She and I always--I've had enough. <i>*click*</i><br />
<br />
No. Vehicles Sent: 3</blockquote><br />
My prize? <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Burning-Bright-Peter-Ash-Novel/dp/0399174575/" target="_blank">Burning Bright</a> by Nicholas Petrie, whose writing <strike>rivals my own</strike> makes my prose feel small in comparison. It has perhaps the best opening to a novel <strike>not written by me</strike> I've ever read. If I were you, I'd <strike>steal my copy the first moment I look away</strike> buy it when it comes out in January.<br />
<br />
And of course, you should visit <a href="http://jetreidliterary.blogspot.com/2016/10/no-questions-asked-contest-update.html" target="_blank">Janet Reid's blog</a> to <strike>laugh at all the lesser entries</strike> become awed by all the other amazing tales, including one sharing the top honor. Go, right <strike>after you reread every single post on my blog</strike> now.Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-50359479825973399712016-09-12T07:14:00.001-04:002023-09-18T18:44:29.844-04:00Pictures Or It Didn't HappenThat used to be a thing. Someone would share something they did or witnessed, and then someone else would say, "Pictures or it didn't happen." Basically, calling the story-teller out as a liar. It was a dick move.<br />
<br />
Since I don't have photos to illustrate any of this, here's a bunch of stuff that didn't happen over the past couple months. You know, if you're a dick.<br />
<ul><li>I ordered a small dish of ice cream for myself for the first time ever.<sup>1</sup></li>
<li>My son learned how to play checkers, chess, Stratego, Sorry!, Catan Junior, and Battleship. He's 5, so he doesn't yet understand the strategy for the first three games, but if you're playing him in any of the others, watch out.<sup>2</sup></li>
<li>The imaginary superhero my son named after himself and told stories about for over a year was killed off by his new imaginary superhero.</li>
<li>My brother-in-law wore a dress on stage. Again. (He's not an actor, a cross-dresser, or transgender. He's just a guy who is far too willing to follow scripts I write.)</li>
<li>A squirrel drowned in our pool. It's a small inflatable pool, and the squirrel should have easily stood on its hind paws and clawed its way out. Since it didn't, this was obviously a hit by the Squirrel Mafia.</li>
<li>My son and nephew gained new amazing abilities. They could see a road from the top of a mountain using their far-away vision, the backside of a building from the front using their see-everything vision, and who was behind a door using their x-ray vision. Denise had to keep telling them to stop using that last one in the restrooms.</li>
<li>On my birthday, I took the day off from work for the first time in ten years. I didn't replace a toilet ring like last year's birthday, but I thought about it.</li>
<li>I replaced a toilet ring.<sup>3</sup></li>
<li>Over the span of one month, we found 3-4 dozen dead bees in our sunroom (and a few in our kitchen). They each succumbed in a different spot, showed no signs of cat attack, and only twice did we see one alive. These were obviously hits by the Squirrel Mafia.<sup>4</sup></li>
<li>Oh yeah, and I took a bunch of pictures.</li>
</ul><br />
<span style="font-size:85%"><sup>1</sup> In my defense, the shop's "small" is larger than most places' larges. Their "large" can feed a family of 4 for a week. (Yeah, I still regret not going with the large.)<br />
<sup>2</sup> Especially in Battleship. He cheats.<br />
<sup>3</sup> Also its innards. Or, if you'd prefer, the toilet's reproductive organs. (Because, you know, those parts are how it reproduces the same flush every time.)<br />
<sup>4</sup> Don't even try to say it was the Bee Mafia. Everyone knows there's no such thing. Here in New England, the WASPs have the power.</span><br />
Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3459096799471693097.post-36730421035560683522016-09-05T23:59:00.001-04:002023-09-18T18:15:05.311-04:00The Best of the Best<p>In 1st grade, my best friend was a kid named Dave. Halfway through the year, his family moved to another town. I visited once, and never saw him again.</p>In 3rd grade, my best friend was a kid named Matt. Halfway through the year, his family moved to another town. I visited once, and never saw him again.<br />
<br />
After that, I gave up on having a best friend.<br />
<br />
Eventually I ventured into adulthood, where best friends weren't as big a deal, probably because of Facebook. I had close friends, good friends, high school & college friends, and volleyball friends, but I stuck to the decision I made when I was 8. No besties.<sup>1</sup><br />
<br />
And then I met Denise. I've never called her my best friend. Honestly, I've never really considered her to be my best friend, because my brain had wiped the very concept from my perception decades earlier, but yeah, that's what she is.<br />
<br />
There are plenty of people who love to tell the world "I married my best friend," but I've never cared much for that sentiment. It's too sappy for my taste. Maybe I'm still jaded from my youth, or maybe I simply don't like sap.<sup>2</sup><br />
<br />
Nevertheless, today being what it is, I'm going to go ahead and say it. Six years ago today, I married my—no, no, I can't do it. Too damned sappy. Need to boil it down.<br />
<br />
Six years ago today, I married the love of my life.<br />
<p style="text-align:center"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCh9q7rs17j9XMAnA1P-vFJXfuUl6Fj4wQBnYLjaDe4Vc8oduCogCYsT8jfcnVwtA8LOinsmT2H5_IDib5DDmgLDO9nnINp1Wr6-Uwq7xLlgTUPJFvKvUwYLx83jqNKUWrTrVhRaZaf71RY51SsLHXYg8q54pdXC61hG2PQTch2a2AjNi5tWWczW77DBw/s1600/368_sixth.jpg" title="Sweet." /></p>And they lived happily ever after.<br />
<br />
There, much better. Sap free, and with a fairy tale ending.<br />
<br />
<em>But wait: There's more! For the low, low price of reading the last two footnotes, you can also learn more about my former best friends Matt<sup>3</sup> and Dave.<sup>4</sup></em><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size:85%"><sup>1</sup> Also, no Super Friends. Marketing teams in the 70s sure made some odd name choices.<br />
<sup>2</sup> Not till it's been boiled down into sweet, sweet syrup. Before that, it's just a bitter, sticky residue I can't wash off easily and makes me feel unclean.<br />
<sup>3</sup> I never saw Matt again, but 20 years later my dad saw him semi-regularly. Same Masonic lodge.<br />
<sup>4</sup> I never saw Dave again, but 20 years later Denise saw him semi-regularly. She dated his older brother.</span>Nate Wilsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.com4