If you like what you read below, you can hop on over to his blog, Gabe versus the VOICE OF REASON. I expect he’ll be posting my answers to his questions in a day or so, since I’ve only just sent them his way. You can also download a great short story he wrote, A True Tale of a Complete and Utter Idiot, for the low, low price of $0.49 at Amazon.com.
Oh, and if anyone else is interested in swapping interviews with me, just let me know. Don’t worry; even if you have a themed blog or website, I’ll be sure to stay on topic. (If you have an unthemed blog, I’ll be sure to stay off-topic.)
Anyway, I suspect you’re itchin’ to read Gabe’s responses, so without further adieu…
- You are stranded on a dessert island with Cher, Patrick Stewart, and Barbara Walters. What dessert is it, and how likely is it that you will eat the entire thing before rescuers can find you?
Wow. You have somehow psychically zeroed in on one of my deepest desires: to eat an island made completely out of Caramel covered warm brownies atop a bed of vanilla ice cream alongside Captain Picard. "Number 1, we must act quickly and devour this beach. Engage!" In a heroic and selfless act by Cher and Barbara Walters, they would consent to having a raft contructed out of them using caramel sauce as an adhesive and sail themselves out into nearby shipping lanes to attact the rescuers. I just can't decide, though, if they are simply that brave or if at their advanced age they just don't have anything left to fear. Either way, I salute them!
As to how likely is it that I would eat the entire thing before help arrived? Meh, about 45%. "Resistance is futile!"
- Sarah Palin stops by your house in the midst of a cross-country game of Truth or Dare, and has you choose for her. Do you ask her a question, or dare her to do something? What is the question/dare?
This is a trick question: Sarah Palin could never find my house! Okay, okay, fine; I don't normally do this, but I'll allow my mind to veer off from hard facts and concrete reality and entertain this notion. Even though I can neither confirm nor deny this, should Sarah Palin does in fact come over to my house to play truth or dare...I would choose Dare, hypothetically speaking. The dare would, allegedly, be that every time she encounters an elected official that is dissembling or hedging the truth she must dance around them in a circle, flapping her arms wildly, while shrieking "Liarface! Liarface! I hate your stupid Liarface!" Then slap them in their "Liarface" as hard as she can. Including herself.
- You awake one morning to learn you can speak to animals. Which are the most annoying? The stupidest? The most foul-mouthed?
Cool. I can talk to animals! That is so much better than waking up to find I can talk to plants or lava or somthing dumb like that. So, hmmm...which are the most annoying animals? Snakes. They have great personalities for the most part but they have the thickest lisps and they spray venom around with every other word. It's like, "What? What? I'm sorry, what? Say that ag--Oh God, I can't feel my legs...."
The stupidest animals on the planet are hands down moose; I knew this already, but speaking with them only confirmed it. I mean, I once saw two moose near a stream - one was taking a leak into the water, the other was not even 5 feet down stream and was happily drinking the now-contaminated liquid. Dumb-ass! Anyway, once my Dr. Doolittle ability surfaced I walked upon the same two moose and I overhead this conversation:
"Pete! Pete! Pete! Hey, Pete!" said the first moose, presumably still going wee-wee in the water.
"Huh? I...I thought you were Pete?" said the second moose, attempting to chew on a river rock simply because he couldn't think of a good enough reason to not chew on a river rock.
"Oh," retorted the first. "Are you sure?"
"Not really," said the second, spying another river rock that wasn't in his mouth and bent his head to rectify this.
"Neato!" said the first moose, possibly named Pete, as though this were somehow a proper response.
"Yup," agreed the second moose also potentially named Pete.
"Pete! Pete! Pete! Hey, Pete!"
"Yo!" says the second moose, clearly having forgotten that he wasn't sure if that was his name and sounding exactly like Sylvester Stallone.
At this point I walked away, vowing to never again listen in on a moose conversation, pausing briefly to take a quick drink from a cool and refreshing stream at my feet. God, but moose are stupid creatures!
The most foul-mouthed animal is, always has been and always will be comedian Sam Kinison.
- If you could go back in time to any point in history, and stay for one week, when and where would you go, and what would you do while you were there? Would more things be named after you when you returned to the present day?
This is a very interesting question because it automatically assumes that I haven't already gone back in time and screwed around with things (ever wonder why the leaders of the Catholic religion wear such goofy hats? Hehe...yeah...shhhh!). For the purposes of this I think I would spend some time tracking down when and where the handshake became popular and the nigh-universally accepted form of greeting and change it to the Turkey Five! Complete with gobbling sound!1 How friggin' awesome would that be to see the Principal of your high school giving a turkey five and gobble to every student he gives a diploma too?! And that's just one example. Think of seeing it at inaugurations; when you are meeting your future in-laws; gang members giving sarcastic greetings before a throw-down.
Would more things be named after me? Perhaps...it would be highly possible that I would invent an entire new holiday to go along with the rise in turkey fives called Gabe's Yum-Yum Turkey Fun-Time Day.
- You have just been made commissioner of the first annual Ninjalympics. What are the three most popular events, and who is the favorite to take home the top prize?
First of all, I would like to take a moment to thank you all for giving me this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: the opportunity to lead the world in an event that has been hidden in the dark for so long, away from prying eyes. Mainly because, ninjas are secretive folk to begin with and have guarded their traditions and methods with the fierceness that can only be rivaled by a woman at a Macy's Wedding Dress Sale. But that is about to change! Now, onto the games!
The first event is called "Assassination!!" The competitors take turns infiltrating a locked down safe house holding the leaders of a rival gang. Whomever can get in, kill/incapacitate all guards, assassinate the target, and get out without being detected the fastest is the Gold Winner! This is a time trial, with 20 secs added for every guard left to tell the tale.
The second event goes by the mysterious title, "Hey, Where'd He Go?" This game has all the competitors standing in full view in a crowded arena with hundreds of people milling about. Amongst those "hundreds of people" are a handful of "judges," each carrying on their person a Gold, Silver and Bronze medal. The Ninjalympians are required to disappear in plain sight, identify the judges, and pilfer as many medals as possible (only 1 from each judge!) and place them in their individual bins. Gold is worth 5 points, Silver is worth 3 and Bronze is worth 1; the competitors are deducted 1 point every time they are spotted by a judge. Most point wins.
The third event is, obviously, the Ninja Baking Contest. The contestants can make anything they want and will be judged based on creativity, presentation, flavor, and how hard the ninjas can punch/kick the judges into submission.
As commissioner, it is not really my place to pick a winner beforehand (at least not on the record) but I can shortlist a few for you: Batman, Houdini, Snake Eyes, Sidney Bristow, and "Nameless Ninja."
1 Editor’s Note: For the uninitiated, a “Turkey Five” is like a regular “high five,” except it also has an extra batch of unadulterated awesomeness. (Not to mention the double-dose of high-pitched gobbling.)