Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Friday, April 27, 2018

The Magical Haiku Contest

*** The contest is closed. View the winners. ***

Shazam! It's my 9th annual haiku contest!

We've previously manipulated ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, science, and the wild west. But this year's theme, which I just pulled out of thin air, is magic!

There's no trick to it:
Write a bunch of syllables
Seventeen of 'em.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it magical. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive a locked box containing your card! Amazing! $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:
  • Humorous/Creative
  • Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)
In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Because I know that every little thing you write is magic.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Monday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":
  1. To enter, post magic-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you try to sneak extras past me, I'll catch you in the act, and you won't get any prestige.
  2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you're off by a syllable you could turn me into a newt. I'll get better, but I hold a grudge. You won't win.
  3. The contest is open until Monday, May 7, 2018 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you make me wait for a spell, you're cast out of the contest.
  4. Entries must be in English, though exceptions will be made for magical-sounding phrases (i.e. Latinglish). But anything else will be considered black magicks and that extra k is stupid so you lose.
  5. Anonymous entries will not win. He who shall not be named never wins, not in the end.
  6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or the Sorting Hat decrees it.
    • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
    • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.
  7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless I'm tricked into it.

Friday, April 6, 2018

Fortune Favors the Cold (Sesame Noodles)

Whenever I eat Chinese food, I want a happy ending.

The beginning is guaranteed to be good, since I always have wonton soup. But the end is... unpredictable.

The cookie itself matters not. It's all about the fortune inside. But I don't want trite, pithy sayings. I want something memorable. Something like:

I got that one my senior year of college, and it started my collection. And though most of the fortunes I've come across over the years have been dull, soulless things, I've occasionally struck gold. Here's a sampling, haphazardly arranged into groups:

Um... What?
  • Do what is right, not what you should.
  • Now go to it! It's ready to be pick.
Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun
  • We are very happy together.
  • There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.
The Future Is Bright
  • You will be advanced socially, without any special effort.
  • You will be fortunate in everything
Nope, Not at All Creepy
  • Someone will visit you soon.
Finally, Some Sage Advice
  • Keep your goals away from the trolls.
  • Teamwork makes the dream work.
  • Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.
  • You can depend on the trust of the collective.
  • Simplicity and clarity should be the theme in your dress.
  • Make big plans.
  • You are a perfectionist. Don't spoil it.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
Now You Tell Me
  • Warning: Do not eat your fortune
Time to Drop Some Knowledge
  • You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment.
  • It is a great piece of skill to know how to guide your luck. Even while waiting for it.
  • The only rose without a thorn is friendship.
Okay, Stop Dropping the Knowledge. It Clearly Has a Head Injury.
  • For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.
  • If absolute can be defined, then absolute is not absolute anymore.
  • Your sweetheart may be too beautiful for words but not for arguments.
  • Many people who have power become a deaf mute.
Wow, This One's Actually True
  • Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours.
These Are Also True... and Almost Clever. Almost.
  • What is to give light must endure the burning.
  • Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
  • The man on the top of the mountain did not fall there.
But This One? It's the Truest of Them All
  • Great! You're ready for a party.