Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

5 Lists of 5 For No Reason in Particular

I hadn't posted in a while, so I thought I would. And why bother with a cohesive idea when I can just put together a bunch of lists? (Okay, so I guess I had reasons after all.)

5 Things My 6-Year-Old Son Has Said Somewhat Recently
  1. "He's a water jet. He can't go in the water."
    "Can't? If he can't go in water, shouldn't he be a non-water jet?"
    "Well, at the beginning there is a silent 'non'."
  2. "I'm tired of sleeping."
  3. "I was trying to speak to the chipmunk in bird language, since I don't know how to speak chipmunk."
  4. "I fell in love with her the first day I met her... I'm trying to get to marry her, but she has a different teacher this year."
  5. "When people love me, I just hug 'em."

5 Non-Traditional Ways to Defend Yourself Against Attack by Vampire
  1. Stay inside your house all the time.
    And don't invite anyone in. I mean no one. Vampires can only come in if they're invited. Did your husband just bring out the trash? Chances are he's been turned. Lock him out.
  2. Stay outside all the time.
    And keep heading east. Move with the sun. As long as that glorious ball of flame keeps shining overhead—and as long as you steer clear of the shade—you'll be safe.
  3. Drink nothing but holy water.
    One taste, and your blood will burn that vamp from the inside out. A couple round battle scars on your neck are a small price to pay for victory. (Holy frijoles and/or guacamole are also fine ways to supplement your diet.)
  4. An army of drone bodyguards just out of visual range. Armed with lasers.
    With lasers!
  5. Clothing entirely covered with pointy wooden stakes.
    The latest in Milan fashion! And if that toothy character tries anything, just give him a great big hug.

5 Books I've Stopped Reading But Have Left Bookmarks In, and Why
  1. The Yiddish Policemen's Union, Michael Chabon
    p. 236 of 411, 3 years ago
    I tend to slog through Chabon novels—I paused for 3 months 50 pages into Kavalier & Clay—but I still kind of want to know how it ends.
  2. In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto, Michael Pollan
    p. 106 of 205, 2 years ago
    When we moved, this ended up back on the bookshelf. I only remembered today, while making this list.
  3. Wonderbook: The Illustrated Guide to Creating Imaginative Fiction, Jeff Vandermeer
    p. 16 of 357, 1 year ago
    Opening chapters didn't keep my interest. Rather than read straight through, when I jump back in I'll skip around a bit.
  4. The Master and Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
    p. 232 of 402, 3 months ago
    Made it through book one, but apparently over-the-top Russian satire isn't really my thing. Maybe I'll go back to it?
  5. The Nowhere Man, Gregg Hurwitz
    p. 84 of 358, 23 hours ago
    It was late, and I had work in the morning.

5 Ways Vampires Can Counteract Your Non-Traditional Defenses Against Them
  1. Cut your power. Repeatedly.
    With your internet down and phone dead, eventually you won't be able to pay your landlord/mortgage/taxes, and soon you'll be out on your ass. Hey, good things come to those who wait.
  2. Full-body prosthetics from top Hollywood makeup artists.
    They'll walk right up to you, with you none the wiser. They won't be on fire or nothin'. And then you'll be toast.
  3. Two words: Food taster.
  4. Three words: Trained attack bats.
    Possibly radio-controlled attack bats. Because, fun!
  5. A Spider-Man style upside-down kiss. Of death.
    Alas, your dress made of stakes can't protect you against attacks from above. Try all you want, but you'll never quite touch that man's heart.

5 Reasons You Should Be Disappointed With This Post
  1. I didn't include a single picture of my son with his curls and gap-toothed grin.
  2. Two vampire-related lists, and no cracks about Twilight.
  3. Not a single footnote. Not one.1
  4. There's no list of ways to counteract the vampires' counters. You're doomed.

1 Nope. Sorry. Adding one after the fact doesn't count.