Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Haiku Contest: Heroes & Villains!

*** The contest has ended. Check out the winners! ***

Up on the blog: It's a beard! It's a plane! It's my 6th annual haiku contest!
We've previously honored ninja, pirates, robots, space, and the ocean. But now it's time for our haiku to honor those who have done so much for (or against) us: heroes and villains.

It's not difficult.
You know what syllables are?
Just use seventeen.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it have something to do with heroes and/or villains. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive $25 million in unmarked bills $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:
  • Humorous/Creative
  • Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)
In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Or I may not. Because I am maniacal, and like to keep you guessing.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Thurssday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":
  1. To enter, post hero- and/or villain-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5) entries, you'll have introduced too many characters and won't be able to protect all of them. The newest additions will slashed mercilessly.
  2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount and fall short, your poem will enter battle vastly outnumbered and will not survive. If you run long, I'll start cutting before you finish. (In other words, don't start monologuing.)
  3. The contest is open until Thursday, May 7, 2014 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If an entry arrives after the deadline, it'll make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. HAIKU SMASH!
  4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't understand your entry, it proves you're a creature of unknown origin hell-bent on world domination. I'll give the prize money to others, so they can finance our planet's defenses against you.
  5. Anonymous entries will not win. Heroes have alter egos, so if you provide no name it means you're a villain, and I can't trust anything you say. You won't poison me with your lies. And you will never win.
  6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if the mood (or a muscle-bound guy in tights) strikes me.
    • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
    • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive both mention and honor. Not necessarily in that order.
  7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless you can give me some sort of superpower. Then I'm totally changing my mind.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Pop Quiz

  1. What is the proper response for someone upon first seeing I have a new blog post?

    1. "Excellent! Some Nately humor is exactly what I need today. Make me laugh, you crazy monkey."
    2. "I'll click, but there'd better be some pictures and stories of his son." [clicks on link] [scans post] "Great. That's ten seconds of my life I'm never getting back."
    3. "Wait — people still have blogs?! That is so 2011. Get out of the stone age, you troglodyte!"
    4. [keeps scrolling through feed, looking for cat videos]
  2. This is my first blog post in three months. Why haven't I blogged at all during this time?

    1. I've been lazy. I mean busy. Or in a coma. Yeah, that's it: a coma.
    2. I haven't had anything interesting to say. Sure, that never stopped me before, and it's not stopping me from writing this post, but... um... I had a point. No matter, it's obvious this is the correct answer.
    3. I've been working on a top secret project for the U.S. government. I can't share the exact nature of my work, but I will say it involves weapons-grade plutonium and ten dozen free-range chickens.
    4. Other: ____________ (insert answer in the comments)
  3. After this extended hiatus — the longest I've ever taken — why did I choose to return to blogging?

    1. Blogging is fun! Wheeeeeee!
    2. I figured I should alert people to that fact that I still have a blog, seeing as how I'm going to announce a new haiku contest next week.
    3. Revenge. Revenge on whom, you ask? Oh, you'll find out soon enough. Yes you will. Mwahahahahaha!
    4. I could no longer stand idly by while the world suffered through such a horrifying shortage of footnotes.1
Okay, pencils down. Now tally up your scores and consult the chart below to see how you fared.

0-3: You sicken me.
4-12: You were just guessing, weren't you? Admit it.
13: You win!2
14-18: Ooh, you overshot the mark. Stop trying so hard.
19+: Damn overachiever.

1 And with this meager offering, the Great Footnote Famine of 2015 officially comes to an end. #NeverForget
2 What do you win? This magnificent footnote! (To place it in your trophy case, simply chisel it out of your screen.)