Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Time for a Little Jew & A

Hello, goys and girls. In my last post, I offered to answer any question you might have about Judaism, and you responded with some great ones. I received a total of 11 questions, which is fitting, since it's the same number of Commandments Moses brought down from the mountain top. (What? Like we're going to let you Gentiles know the last one? Please.)

To the questions!
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My first question comes courtesy of Chris Phillips:
What is the general teaching/belief on the Messiah and what he will look like or when he will come?

Tradition says the Messiah, the future Jewish king descended from David, will usher in a period of peace and freedom for all mankind. Since the word messiah literally means "the anointed one," he will undoubtedly be smeared in holy oil. So be on the lookout for anyone with a greasy complexion whose dad's name is Dave. He could be here any day now.
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Todd says:
Hi Nate, What's Nu?

Oh, not much.

I mean that literally. Nu is a sort of general purpose word, the Yiddish equivalent of anything from "well?" or "so?" to "wassup?" So yeah, it's not much.1
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My Aunt-in-Law Sharon asks:
I know very little so how can I ask if I don't know?

Third base.
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Sharon also asks:
But we can start with what Chris Phillips asked???

Um, we already did that three questions ago. But just in case you missed it, I'll answer it again. Your personal messiah will be 6'1" with blue eyes, long brown hair and beard, olive skin, and circular scars on both hands and feet. He is the son of a carpenter and believes above all else that people are innately good. His name is Steve.
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Jeffrey Beesler asks:
What makes you think you've got a big nose?

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Chris Phillips counters with:
What makes Jeffrey think you don't have a big nose?

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My sister Naomi (mother of a brand-spankin' new baby (whom I suspect was spanked by a hand and not a brand)) asks:
If a Jew cheats on their Kosher diet, do they lose their Jewish superpowers immediately, or is there some kind of grace period allowing for atonement?

How greatly a Jew's superpowers are affected depends on the magnitude of the transgression. For instance, binging on a store-brand snack food could drop your haggling abilities to about 75%. Mixing meat and dairy might leave you only able to inflict guilt at 1/3 your original level. And eating the meat of any non-kosher animal (or any kosher animal not prepared in a kosher manner) will likely sap you of all your telekinetic power. For reference, it usually takes about a month of prayer and contrition to recharge to full strength.

A special dispensation is made for bacon. All your superpowers will remain intact as long as you repent directly afterward. You don't even have to mean it.
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Chris Phillips comes back for even more Jew-learnin':
A huge part of reconciling yourself to God was in offering. Now that there is no temple or high priests to do all of that neatness how do you reconcile yourselves?

As you know, Jews are great with money. So what we do is this: At the end of every month, we sit down with God and compare our spiritual checkbooks. If we've fallen behind, we offer up penance. If God is in arrears, He adds another day to the end of Hanukkah. (It's happened seven times already.)
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One more from Chris, and perhaps the most important of the bunch:
Let's say you are an Eskimo convert to Judaism who herds seals. When you give your offering is it technically kosher in that instance to club a baby seal?

It is only considered kosher if the act is witnessed by a Rabbi who confirms the seal died without pain, and that at no point did you let the offering touch your tongue.
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Alex J. Cavanaugh asks the question on everyone's mind:
What's with the little hats?

Those little hats are called fezzes, and are only worn by Jews who also happen to be Shriners. Traditionally, fezzes were worn to keep balding Jews' souls from escaping through the top of their heads in cold weather. However, in these soulless times, they have a far more important function: ammunition for the weekly no-holds-barred post-temple fez fights.
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I'll take The Final Question for $200, Alex:
And have you played spin the bottle? Not really Jewish related, but now I'm curious.

Sorry, Alex, I don't kiss and tell. Of course, you may think my saying this gives away my answer, since now you know I have kissed. But you can't be sure about what I spun to get kissed. It could have been the bottle, yes, or I may have spun the dreidel, a menorah, my fez, a good yarn, the globe, the Wheel, doctors, or right round like a record baby.

And you'll never know which one.2
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Well, that wraps up my first ever Jew & A session. Thanks again to everyone who submitted questions, and I do hope I was able to teach you shiksas and shoksim3 out there a thing or two about Jews.

And now, I shall go light the candles in my menorah for the last night of Hanukkah... with my MIND!

Happy Hanukkah, everyone!

1 But that's only if you're Yiddish. Otherwise it could be a letter, a kana, an ethnic group, a river, a physics ratio, the male form of an Egyptian goddess, a programming language, a university, an electric company, a type of fusion music, a prime minister, a Canadian territory, or even a fictional species from a Super Nintendo game released in 1995.
2 Bwahahahaha!
3 Goy girls and boy goys.


  1. Is it wrong that the only time I played spin the bottle was in Hebrew school?

    -Leah N.

  2. Thanks for clearing all of that up for us!

  3. Yes, especially on the nose thing. I'm glad photo shop has cleared the mystery of the sizable nostrils for me.

    On a serious note, thanks for teaching us some things Jewish.

  4. Leah, I think that's actually quite fitting. Especially if you the bottle you spun was Manischewitz.

    Alex, you're welcome. I'm all about making things more clear.

    Jeff, actually The Mystery of the Sizable Nostrils will not be completely solved until it's released in trade paperback in early 2011.

  5. You need to compile all of this into a Layman's Guide to Being a Jew. Also you should give me 5% when it makes the bestseller list. And Malachi says you should give God 10%.

  6. Chris: Tell you what, if it hits the bestseller list, you'll get your 5%. It might be just a number and symbol made out of Styrofoam, but by God, you've earned it.

    And yeah, Malachi's always saying stuff. If God wants his 10%, He can come down here and tell me Himself. I'm tired of dealing with His middlemen.

  7. That was officially the best Jew & A session I've ever encountered. Like EVER.

    But, just so you know, my brother Dave's wife is about to have a baby. So, hold tight to that fez. A new age is upon us.

  8. Oh Carol, I bet you say that about all the Jew & A sessions...

    And hey, thanks for the heads up about your nephew-to-be. I shall prepare the Messianic fez.

  9. Those are quite the photo-shopping skills!

    And I've never heard of the Nu- and I thought I knew a lot about Nintendo!

  10. Stephanie, even if you've heard of the game Chrono Trigger (I hadn't), there's no reason to know the name of one species in the game. I only know now thanks to the magic known as the Wikipedia search.

  11. How was the rest of Lew-la-pa-loo-za?

  12. Lew-la-pa-what-now? Silly Chris, Lew Alcindor was never Jewish!