Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Friday, June 17, 2011

I, For One, Welcome Our New Fiery Overlord

...because it is me. And before you start to argue how that should be "...because it is I," you might want to remember that I'm an overlord now. Never dispute grammar with an overlord.

So how did I gain my new title? Laurie Peel over at Earth Dragon Healing bestowed the Overlord Award upon me because she feels I'm changing the world one blog post at a time. Now, I know me pretty well, so that seems rather unlikely,1 but I daresay it's about time I got me some minions. Welcome, minions.

Anyway, the first thing I did as Overlord was the same thing I do every time I get an award: I redesigned it.

I'm also supposed to list three things I will change about the world now that I'm all-powerful. You can expect many, many improvements during my reign, my dear minions, but here are the first three pronouncements that come to mind:
  1. You must make me a sammich. I'm not saying you should all gang together and build me a sandwich of monumental proportions, since overlord or not I'm still just one man. My mouth only opens so far, and my stomach only holds so much. It'd be a shame for so much deliciousness to go to waste.

    Nor am I saying that each of you should make me a sandwich right now. My benevolence and cruelty may know no bounds, but my appetite doesn't. Tell you what: I'll have my underlord put together a schedule, and you'll each be responsible for preparing a sandwich for me on one date in the future.
  2. Turn signals: Use 'em or lose 'em. The first 'em, of course, refers to your car's turn signals. The second 'em, however, refers to your arms. Under my rule, if you don't use your turn signals, you will lose your limbs.2 Then again, it's likely the limbless will be even more unlikely to use their turn signals, and I can't have that. Thus, I also decree that it's illegal to drive without arms. And you must come to a full stop at red lights and stop signs. What? I can totally combine three pronouncements into one. Shut up.
  3. No, you shut up. As overlord, I can't be bothered to listen to you blathering on about this, that, and whatnot. I simply have too much to do. If I start to look bored, you'd better shut up, or I'll send you to work in the pepper mines.3

    If you feel I'm blathering on too long myself, a) you're wrong, and b) it's to the parsley mines for you. But if, in the midst of my impressively important diatribe, you utter the phrase, "This is my favorite story," I may eventually stop talking. Maybe.

So there you have it, my first three changes to the world order. I believe I'm also supposed to pass this award on to a bunch of other bloggers, but fat chance at that happening. There are already too many other overlords as it is. So you be good little minions, and get cracking on those sandwiches.

Oh, and make sure to come back next week, for there shall be DOOM!

1 About as unlikely as some firm offering to rep Rep. Weiner's wiener.
2 And it won't be just a flesh wound.
3 What? There are salt mines; there have got to be pepper mines, too. No? How about oregano? Paprika?


  1. If you're blathering too long, are you sure you represented the true length and width proportions of your mouth? Because I've zoomed in to 1000% magnification, and it's looking like it could devour me right along side with that sandwich. Plus those sunglasses keep me from knowing whether there is an evil intent in your eyes, too.

    Sorry if this offends you, my overlord, but as one who has missed an occasional sandwich and left turn signal, I find your conditions unsuitable and therefore have thrown myself to the wolves by commenting on the dimensions of said mouth.

  2. Losing one's arms should, IMO, be reserved for those who DO use their turn signals, are in the wrong lane, and execute the famous screeching left hand turn from the right hand lane. The ones who refsue to use turn signals, or who drive for 18 miles with the turn signal on, should just receive a mild electric shock.

    But that's just my opinion, as I am not, after all the Fiery Overlord.

    You know, you really should have specified what you want on that sammich...

  3. Jeffrey, that's my favorite story.

    Alex, excellent! Plus, you get to keep your arms!

    Beverly, you make an excellent point. Okay, first offense for lack (or excess) of turn signals is electric shock. Subsequent offenses reduce your digits by one. Blatant lack of courtesy (such as your example above) will lead to full-scale arm loss.

    And as for the type of sammich, I leave that up to each individual artisan. But tread carefully (and not upon the sammich), for if you disappoint me, you'll be spending your days in the cardamom mines.

  4. Since you seem to have an obsession with spice mines. The sandwich I prepare for you will include all types of spice and a slice of lasagne.

  5. Mary, a spiced lasagna sandwich sounds absolutely perfect. Congratulations, you have just been promoted to head minion!