Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Friday, July 8, 2011

Class Is Now In Session

Date of Birth: 07/06/11 at 2:22 AM
Height: 20 in
Weight: 7 lb, 10 oz
Codename: The Professor

Two days ago — ten days after our due date and twenty hours after my wife was induced — my first child screamed his way into the world. Although Denise ended up having to have a Cesarean section,1 she and the baby (and I) are doing well, and he is the picture of health.2

I may have no problem sharing my name on this blog, or my wife’s name, or pictures of my son, or really horrible no good very bad puns, or random inane ramblings, or random insane footnotes,3 or long run-on lists of things that don’t really have much relevance beyond their first three items, I’m still not sure I’m ready to share my son’s name for all the interweb to see.

Thus, henceforth he shall be known here as The Professor, which I dubbed him the week he was the size of a plum, and which my sister has called him ever since. (If you’re confused as to why, here’s a Clue.) Not only does this give him a secret identity, making him a superhero of sorts, but it’ll also be fun to witness people’s reactions when I begin stories with “So, I was changing The Professor’s diaper when...”4

Anyway, I know The Professor will soon teach me many things about life.

And I look forward to learning every single one.

1 Unfortunately, we stalled out at 8 cm of dilation and were forced to go the way of the big C, but not until after we learned these valuable birthing tidbits: One, major contractions are called major for a reason. Two, the epidural is your friend. Do not badmouth the epidural.
2 Thus, the pictures above are pictures of the picture of health. (What? Like I’ve never written a useless footnote before...)
3 You need footnotes? We’ve got footnotes! We have original-source footnotes, extra-information footnotes, zany-aside footnotes, and of course rainbow-colored blinking Comic Sans footnotes. We’ve got obscure-reference footnotes, nested footnotes, and the-game-is-a-foot notes. Brand new, gently used, and factory seconds, we have them all. We have footnotes so far from the bottom of the page you’d swear they were shouldernotes, and others so small you’d swear they were toenotes. This Saturday only, half our footnotes are 50% off! So come on down to Cap’n Bill’s Discount Footnote Emporium for all your footnote needs!
4 Plus, it’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure! If you have fed your son breast milk, go to page 12. If you have fed your son sweet potato puree, go to page 63. If your son has been drinking like a sailor on shore leave but his diaper seems dry, pick up this book right now and use it as a shield.


  1. Are you trying to say your infant son is a suspect in the continuous murdering, plotting and scheming of Mr. Boddy?! What a way to start out Life. Oh, sorry, wrong game.

  2. congrats on your new journey.

  3. Congrats again! I find myself wanting to Photoshop The Professor into an appropriate superhero costume.

  4. Congrats! And yes there are many, many years of learning ahead. I am sure the Professor will be an excellent teacher, and mentor!

  5. Awwwww...Nate.
    BEAUTIFUL post and such a beautiful baby.

    The Professor is perfect.

    Nothing funny to say here, dude. He'll change your life. All good.


  6. Cheers to The Professor!!!!

  7. Very, very adorable. Mazel Tov!

  8. Fantastic pictures, and he IS the picture of health! Is he giving his first lecture in that second photo? Congrats! I hope your wife's recovery goes well. Sweet Blessings to you!

  9. Actually, Jeffrey, I always start out in the game of Life with a career as a professor and wielding a lead pipe.

    Alex, thanks!

    Falen, for reals indeed. And only a fraction of his adorableness comes through in pictures. (Suffice it to say, there will be more of them to come.)

    Budd, thanks! And like with every journey, I'm starting out on it with plenty to drink, a safari hat, and a machete. I expect a harrowing but exciting time.

    Joelle, I can't wait to see what you come up with. And I may have to create some of my own (both in Photoshop and in real life).

    Rasz, I couldn't agree with you more. That's why I've already paid full tuition, and dropped most of my other classes to ensure I have time for all of the assigned homework.

    Bryce, thanks! And as a matter of fact, he already proved he was perfect by christening his Aunt Sharon this afternoon...

    Jen, no no no... Cheers is where everybody knows your name, and I won't be giving out his real one here. (P.S. Thanks!)

    babypelly, I'm sure the actual Baby Pelly will love him, too. Hope to see you soon!

    dgrimm, thanks! And ooh, now I want to find him some little baby yarmulkes...

    Mary, that might actually be his third or fourth lecture pictured there. I think he'd already give us a couple on the merits of finger suckling and proper swaddling.

  10. I'm sorry I didn't get over here sooner, but I heard about it through the grapevine. Huge congrats to you and your family. I think Professor is the perfect name, it will be a never ending education. He is rather beautiful. And I love all the footnotes. You're very funny!
    Have a great week!

  11. Oh my gosh, what wonderful pictures! I've just discovered your blog, and this was a great introduction to it. Congratulations to you, your son is beautiful!

  12. Oh Nate, T.P.--I mean The Professor--is wonderful. I'm truly pleased for your new little family. All the best to you! :) :)

  13. Heather, thanks! Also, that's a huge weight off my back: I wasn't sure the grapes had been told at all. And they're usually a bit sour if I wait too long.

    Julie, I'm glad you've enjoyed the blog so far. Though I must warn you: it's not all baby pictures and footnotes. Though, maybe it should be...

    Bridget, thanks! And the above pictures don't even begin to capture all of his wonderfulness. (Okay, maybe they begin to, but they surely don't get all of it. I'll have to take some video...)

  14. Congratulations!! The pictures are beautiful.