Date of Birth: 07/06/11 at 2:22 AM
Height: 20 in
Weight: 7 lb, 10 oz
Codename: The Professor
Two days ago — ten days after our due date and twenty hours after my wife was induced — my first child screamed his way into the world. Although Denise ended up having to have a Cesarean section,1 she and the baby (and I) are doing well, and he is the picture of health.2
I may have no problem sharing my name on this blog, or my wife’s name, or pictures of my son, or really horrible no good very bad puns, or random inane ramblings, or random insane footnotes,3 or long run-on lists of things that don’t really have much relevance beyond their first three items, I’m still not sure I’m ready to share my son’s name for all the interweb to see.
Thus, henceforth he shall be known here as The Professor, which I dubbed him the week he was the size of a plum, and which my sister has called him ever since. (If you’re confused as to why, here’s a Clue.) Not only does this give him a secret identity, making him a superhero of sorts, but it’ll also be fun to witness people’s reactions when I begin stories with “So, I was changing The Professor’s diaper when...”4
Anyway, I know The Professor will soon teach me many things about life.
And I look forward to learning every single one.
1 Unfortunately, we stalled out at 8 cm of dilation and were forced to go the way of the big C, but not until after we learned these valuable birthing tidbits: One, major contractions are called major for a reason. Two, the epidural is your friend. Do not badmouth the epidural.
2 Thus, the pictures above are pictures of the picture of health. (What? Like I’ve never written a useless footnote before...)
3 You need footnotes? We’ve got footnotes! We have original-source footnotes, extra-information footnotes, zany-aside footnotes, and of course rainbow-colored blinking Comic Sans footnotes. We’ve got obscure-reference footnotes, nested footnotes, and the-game-is-a-foot notes. Brand new, gently used, and factory seconds, we have them all. We have footnotes so far from the bottom of the page you’d swear they were shouldernotes, and others so small you’d swear they were toenotes. This Saturday only, half our footnotes are 50% off! So come on down to Cap’n Bill’s Discount Footnote Emporium for all your footnote needs!
4 Plus, it’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure! If you have fed your son breast milk, go to page 12. If you have fed your son sweet potato puree, go to page 63. If your son has been drinking like a sailor on shore leave but his diaper seems dry, pick up this book right now and use it as a shield.