Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Evolution of a Newborn

Early last week my wife discovered she had given birth to a hobbit.

Our son, a.k.a. The Professor, was barely five days old, but the evidence was undeniable. He was tiny, but had big feet, and every day he would eat breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, etc. (It probably didn't help that I'd look at his wee little hands and hiss "my precioussss.")

But soon other, conflicting evidence also became undeniable. His feet were not hairy. He did not reside in a hole in the ground. Nor did he live in the 'Shire (a.k.a. Cheshire, CT, which is 30 miles away). Alas, our hobbit was not a hobbit.

It didn't take long to figure out the truth, though. He was a pale child who we were advised to keep out of direct sunlight, and he stayed awake throughout the night. Women were uncharacteristically drawn to him, and he would feed by sucking on the flesh of another person. Clearly, The Professor was a vampire.

Except that he wasn't. Not only can he be seen in mirrors, but he has no adverse reaction to garlic, wooden crosses, or holy water. Once again, we were wrong.

Over the past week, we've come to a series of similar conclusions, only to find logical discrepancies every time:

He's small, with the right sort of hat, and sometimes has a dopey look on his face. Thus, we believed he was a dwarf. Yet, he doesn't work in a mine or live with six older brothers in a house in the woods, so that couldn't be right.

Like a werewolf, he has claws, and he howled during the full moon this past Friday night. Nevertheless, he didn't become hairy, his basketball skills didn't improve, and he's not in London.

We thought he might be a young Starfleet Captain: There's always a lot of beaming when he's around, sometimes he cries out what sounds like "KHAAAAAAN!", and he can't always control his Number One. But he only boldly goes where many babies have gone before, so that couldn't be it.

The Professor's head can nearly turn to face backward, he keeps us up all night with his unearthly wailing, and spews liquids from his mouth. Therefore, he must be inhabited by a poltergeist, right? Wrong. His face always remains angelic, and the power of Christ does not compel him.

Perhaps he escaped from a retirement home. He needs others to feed, clothe, and bathe him, has no memories of his youth, doesn't try to hide his infatuation with breasts, and looks like an old man when he cries. But we've checked with every place in the area, and they have no record of him.

Also, he coo coos, and kachoos, but never does he do them in a row like that, so it's obvious he's not The Walrus.

And then we hit upon it: Harry Potter! He can't see clearly without wearing glasses, he was brought to live with a muggle family by a bearded man who was somewhat hagrid, has a pet (stuffed) owl, and he always surprises us with how quick he is with his wand.

Unfortunately, he can't see clearly with glasses, either. And his scar was Photoshopped.

So it looks like we still don't know what sort of creature The Professor is. But maybe you can help us out with that. Any ideas?


  1. Cute baby pics, but why is the third one a picture of Jean-Luc Picard?


  2. [this is good] very funny.

  3. Damn. Your photoshop skillz are impressive, Nate.

  4. I'm thinking James Bond. But let's call him "Double Oh 1" or "Double Oh 2" for reasons that I'd rather not get into right now.

    Agree with Matt. The photoshopping is fantastic! These WERE photoshopped, right?

    (Just kidding. Adorable little professor)

  5. I think the last one looks like a young Hercule

  6. mood, because putting a picture of Spock there would have been illogical.

    Alex: You, voting for Picard? My phasers are stunned.

    Budd, [shucks, I was going for great] thanks!

    Matthew, not to sound immodezt, but yes, yes they are. (Photoshop and my son's cuteness are the only two things I'm not modest about.)

    Falen, so. glad you. think. so. (I'm not making fun; I'm channeling the original Captain Kirk.)

    Bryce, Bond might be a reach at this stage, but I suppose he could be a sleeper agent. And no, of course those weren't Photoshopped. I found it was much less time-consuming to freeze dry my son and dress him up in different outfits.

    Joelle, my baby's first report card! I'm so proud!

    Chuck, I was initially thinking Snidely Whiplash, but your suggestion's even better. He definitely uses his little gray cells...

  7. That was pretty crazy. Love the photos. Babies can be such fun!

    Tossing It Out

  8. You are so hilarious! The Professor is a baby of many faces and abilities. You always make me smile. And laugh!!

  9. Mary, look who's Tolkein. (Sorry about that... though is it now safe to say you're leaning away from Hobbit?

    Arlee, thanks! Though I've learned that babies are notably less fun at 4:00 in the morning when they have no intention of going to sleep. Unless you dress them up in crazy outfits. Then they're still fun.

    Heather, smiling is good. Laughter's even better. And since The Professor isn't old enough to do either with any regularity yet, I'll have to continue getting my fix thanks to readers like you.

  10. heheheee I had to come back and look at this again!

  11. babypelly, I don't blame you one bit. Not sure if it's the draw of the ring, his debonair attitude, his bald pate, his magical abilities, his fancy mustache, or something else entirely, but I can barely pull myself away from the little guy.