Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ramble in the Bronx

For every blog post prior to this one, I sat down at the keyboard already knowing what I would write about. But this time I have nothing. Not even an inkling. Therefore, I'll do what I did in practically every email I sent home during my four years of college. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to ramble.

Once I get going, I shouldn't lose my train of thought, though I may shift tracks so quickly others will say I've lost it. So let's leave this topic behind and shift to the topic of behinds. Brits call ours an arse, with that R thrust up in there, butt we Yanks are more apt to make a crack about having junk in the trunk, further yanking Brits' chains since they call their trunk a boot. And not a boot like Italy, which has always looked to me like it's tripping on Sicily and falling hip-first into southeast France, which is Nice. And not nice as in "oh, that's nice," but pronounced "niece," which by the way can also be a nickname for Denise, though I don't call Denise that because it's not nice. Instead I call her Denise, or Beautiful, or Mommy (if The Professor's nearby), but never Honey, since she may be sweet but she didn't get that way by being regurgitated by bees.

By the by, bees are stingy. And that's stingy, not sting-y, though of course they're sting-y, too. I mean, whenever I try to keep tidbits of pollen away from them, bees seize dese with ease, despite the fees. (Jeez, that was a bad bit, but bite me. I don't backtrack mid-ramble. That's a recipe for disaster, like if you completely leave the rum out of a Hurricane. Or if you leave the rum out in a hurricane, which isn't wise; the rum's gone and an angry Sparrow will chew your ears off.) Speaking of chewing ears, I'd rather speak of Ewing cheers, which aren't quite Bronx cheers since the Knickerbockers play their home games in Manhattan.1

Well, that'll do it. I do hope my muse has amused. Or bemused. Honestly, I'm equally happy with either outcome.2


1 Leave the rum out of a Manhattan, or it'll be too rummy when gin's supposed to be in the cards. And never leave the rum out in Manhattan, or an artful Dodger may steal it away to L.A.... and then you're back to the earlier ear-chewing scenario.
2 Oh, and the first person to make a crack about me being a ramblin' man will end up at the wrong end of a gun. After all, I'm just trying to make a living and doing the best I can.

10 comments:

  1. You are one messed up individual, Nate.

    Also, you would probably enjoy this:

    http://www.milkinfirst.com/dictionary/profanisaurus.htm

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  2. What the heck were you doing posting at 4 a.m.? Was The Professor keeping you up? I thought he was sleeping through the night, just like his cousin.

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  3. This is by far the most logical thing I've read all day. And given that I'm going into work tonight, this is likely to be the apex of coherency for the people I interact with the rest of the day.

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  4. I think I'm both amused and bemused...

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  5. Matthew: Thanks, I take that as a compliment. Though you should know I'm not nearly as profane as you make me out to be, you fucktard. (And that one wasn't even in there!)

    Naomi: Oh, he's not sleeping through the night like his cousin. He's sleeping through the night much more impressively than his cousin. The 4:00am post is what we in the biz (note: that's the royal "we" (and also the royal "biz")) call a "sheduled post." We'd call it "scheduled" like everyone else, but then we wouldn't be we, would we? Anyway, to appease you I have now posted this at a more sister-friendly time. Don't say I never did anything for you. Since there was also that time I let you come mini-golfing with me and my friends.

    Jeffrey, wow. If I'm the model of logic and coherency in your life, that means I'm probably slipping. And so, I suspect, is your grip on reality. (Reality's overrated, anyway.)

    Alex, excellent! My work here is done...

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  6. Wheely good blog!

    I just discovered your site and would like to share it with others. Just nominated you for the versatile blogger award. If you'd like to participate, pop on over and collect. If not, no worries. :) www.genepooldiva.com

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  7. Wow, you crazy. I came from Terrible Minds to this...I think my brain is broken by the weight of awesome.

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  8. Diva, I'm glad you like the blog, and thank you very much for the award! I won't be following up this time, but only because I already did once before (sort of), so no hard feelings.

    Silly Hannah, awesome doesn't break your brain. Awesome improves it. You were just experiencing the typical temporary lapse in sanity while your brain adjusted. You should now be smarter. (You may also be crazier. Sorry about that.)

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  9. Thanks, Heather! Though I feel I did get a bit cheeky there at the end, that's the bottom line.

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