- Use a decoy. Stuffing a pillow under the covers usually works for lowly peasants, but for the princess a pea under a couple dozen comforters should do the trick.
- Get a dog.1
- Make a sign saying, "Sorry, but the princess is in another castle."
- A tiger riding atop a bear riding atop a Tyrannosaurus Rex, hurled at the dragon by Chuck Norris.
- Film the dragon's attempt. It'll return to its lair only to find it has captured the princess's stunt double.
- Befriend the dragon. Start by inviting it to a barbecue, so it'll warm up to you. You can have toasted S'moors.2
- Kill off the princess's family. That way, she'll become queen; queens aren't nearly as tasty.
- Admonish it. ("No! Bad dragon!")
- Guard the princess with a hobbit, a leprechaun, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny. They're just as real as the dragon is.
- A moat. With sharks. Attach friggin' lasers to their heads. Why are we still talking about this!?3
1 As anyone familiar with the Chinese zodiac can tell you, dogs and dragons are incompatible.
2 Spanish Moors.
3 By the way, here's how to defend yourself against sharks with friggin' lasers attached to their heads.
- A flagon of dragons
- A scintilla of chinchillas
- A hodgepodge of hedgehogs
- A platitude of platypi
- A quandary of quail
- A circus of pythons
- A baudelaire of polar bears
- A smattering of gnus
- A yes of deer
- A mukluk of ducks
- Excuse me, Creepy Gas Station Attendant Guy, but how do we get back to the highway?
- People are so lazy they replace you with "u" even when they're working with a full keyboard.
- You is both singular and plural, so I can't always tell which one is meant (unless I'm in Brooklyn, where the plural is always "yous")
- You rhymes with lieu, mu, new, ooh, poo, queue, sue, & to, but not thou.
- You (yes, you!) never read my blog posts when I'm nearby, so I miss all your laughter, your groans, your thinly veiled threats...
Top 10 Things I Hates About U
- U has such a great rapport with Q. All Q & I have is a nice qi. (Although, if they swap places, they look pretty smart.)
- I always owes U, never the other way around.
- I wants to keep things straight and true, but U turns things around on him.
- I is often stuck standing alone, yet U is usually surrounded by other letters. (Prior to this lists's #1, brought on by — of course — the iTouch, iPhone, iPad, etc.)
- U (Uranium) is always gloating about its half-life, which makes I (Iodine) want to dye.
- Sometimes I just wants to wear a muumuu like U, but is forced to fit into a bikini.
At Little City Pizza (Simsbury, CT), the tables display an assortment of random comic book panels.
- koff a-huk
- The Bert Locker
- Weekend at Ernie's
- Gone Baby Gonzo
- Conan the Fozzie Bearian
- I Am Sam Eagle
- Sesame St. Elmo's Fire
- Dr. Strangepork, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Link Hogthrob
- How to Lose Guy Smiley in 10 Days
- "Oh no, not ewe again!"
- "Hey, my mane man. You're one hep cat."
- "I'm not gonna eat you."
"Yeah right. You're lion."
- "You're riding that thing as you flee the authorities?"
"Yes, I'm on the lamb."
- "Yeah, I used to follow Mary around, but you know how things go..."
"What can I say? I've been a baaaaad boy."
- "You can't pull the wool over my eyes. I've been sheared."
- "My fleece was white as snow. But then I pissed off that bastard Jason and his Argonauts."
- "I don't steal wool."
- "King of the Jungle, you say?"
"It's good to be the King."
"Well I didn't vote for you."
- "I like ewe, alot."
- Top Secret! - the Val Kilmer classic
- Big Top Pee-wee - I prefer his Playhouse
- The Four Tops - I couldn't help myself (sugar pie honey bunch)
- Top dog - that'd be the one humping the underdog
- Top hat - I wear mine on the Boardwalk
- Topol - he fiddles on roof tops
- Roof tops - where to get the good kind of shingles
- Stove Top stuffing - prepared on counter tops
- Counter tops - where I cut the tops off carrots
- Carrot Top - yes, Carrot Top tops Top Gun
- Past pluperfect tense.
- You're an idiot. You've gotten it all wrong.
- Oh, really? Well, then why don't you enlighten me?
- It's tens, not tense. You need to be more attentive.
- I don't have to listen to this. Back off.
- Are you threatening me? I'll knock you into next week.
- Ooh, I'm frightened.
- You should be. I intend to break your face.
- You keep your dirty tentacles off me, or I'll—
- Ooh, look! A kitten!
Traditionally, blue laws were created to stymie activities that were deemed offensive to religious principles. Most have since been repealed, but some remain on the books today. Blüe laws, on the other hand, are fictional, since nothing with an ümlaüt actually exists.4
- (Columbus, OH) In years when a dog is mayor, the town clerk must be either a cat or a badger.
- (Plymouth, MA) After 9 pm on Mondays, it is illegal to sing or hum any song by ABBA.
- (Placerville, CO) It is illegal to own more than one purple umbrella.
- (Alpharetta, GA) You are allowed to punch your in-laws in the face if there is a full moon.
- (Reno, NV) When juggling more than three chickens, at least one must be a rooster.
- (Gary, IN) It is illegal to cry over spilt milk unless Oreos were also spilt.
- (Eden, NY) Every citizen is required to name their first-born child Adam, irrespective of the gender.
- (Enid, OK) You may not ride an armadillo through the city's center unless you are wearing high heels, earmuffs, and a cape.
- (Roseau, MN) It is illegal to store a banana in a gun holster, even if the banana is loaded.
- (Austin, TX) Walruses are not allowed to enter any place of worship without wearing pants.
And that'll do it for me. Now if you don't mind, I have a princess to save, so I must be off.