"...So, I Get Ten Ninja Clowns"

Over the holidays, my son branched out. He's still enthralled with construction trucks, but now he's equally into Legos and games. And thanks to one of the latter, he's also getting good at telling stories (which never stay on plot, but always include a boy seeing a burning building).

Anyway, these aren't even the craziest things my son has said the past couple months. They're just the craziest ones I remembered to write down.

We're starting dinner, but he's still in the living room. I know nothing we're eating that night will entice him to stop playing, but there's also a bowl of fruit on the table. So I call out, "I'm eating one of your graaaapes."
From the living room: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(now keep in mind he's never seen The Simpsons or Family Guy or anything like that)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(so we have no idea where he got this from)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(but he kept going for 8-10 seconds)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

And then he comes to dinner. Five minutes later.
~~~~~
I have just left the room. My nephew turns to my son.
"We need to see Uncle Nat."
"No, he's gone forever."
~~~~~
"Why don't I have brothers or sisters?"
"Because Mommy and I haven't had any other kids yet. Do you want a brother or sister?"
"I want Nick and Alex [his cousins] to be my brother and sister. I want Nick to be my sister and Alex to be my brother."
~~~~~
I'm trying to explain the concept of English.
"We speak English."
"I don't."
"Sure you do. The language we speak is called English."
"No, I speak Normal."
~~~~~
"Can I PLEASE eat the head of Santa?"
~~~~~
He stands next to one cousin, who is 7" taller, and looks up at him.
"We're the same size!"
~~~~~
To a cousin, while in said cousin's house:
"Did you know you have toys in your basement?! Come on, I'll show you!"
~~~~~
Explaining the rules of a game we're "playing":
"...so, I get ten ninja clowns."

As you might expect, the game has absolutely nothing to do with clowns, barely anything to do with ninjas, and he had just rolled a 6.
~~~~~
He holds up something built out of Duplo-style Lego blocks. It looks like a top-heavy tower.
"I made a pewer with a window."
"A what? You mean a tower?"
"No, a pewer."
"A pewer?"
"With a window."

It took another 20 seconds of back-and-forth before I figured out what a pewer is. (It's something that you point at people as you go "Pew! Pew! Pew!") (Duh.)

For the First Time Ever

My first 13 Christmases were spent at home, without any sort of celebration (unless the day happened to coincide with Hanukkah). I spent my next 16 Christmases in movie theaters and Chinese restaurants. Then I met my wife. The past 8 Christmases have been more "traditional" in their yuletide cheer: trees and gifts and ham and cookies and gifts. And for some reason, myrrh.

And yet, despite this year being Christmas #37 (of a sort), I still managed many Christmas firsts...

• For the first time ever, I saw It's a Wonderful Life. Wow. Jimmy Stewart is an amazing actor.
   
• For the first time ever, I saw Elf. Wow. Will Ferrell is an actor.
   
• For the first time ever, I performed a christening. Only afterward did I learn it's not traditionally done with two bottles of wine, and also there's no reason to ever christen a driveway. But in my defense I'm still relatively new to all this stuff.
   
• For the first time ever, I watched grown men battle for victory in perhaps the most hotly contested game of dreidel ever — a game that did not involve real money or real chocolate. The lone Jew (me) was ousted first, leaving six Catholics to vie for the crown — and there wasn't even a real crown.
   
• And for the first time ever, I watched my three-year-old son receive a Nerf gun that shoots darts up to 100 feet, weighs nearly 5 pounds, and is 4 inches taller than he is. Thanks a lot, Tim.