For my 10th Jew & A, I’m doing things a little differently.
Instead of asking you for new questions about Judaism, I’m going to answer all the ones I’ve ignored over the past decade.
You see, every year I’ve provided examples of questions to ask. There are now 25 of them — one for every letter in the Hebrew alphabet. (That’s right: We’ve kept three letters secret from you gentiles for millennia. Mwa ha hah!*)
* Those are the 3 letters.
Here are the 25 questions, listed in the order they were asked, with my quick-fire (yet absurdly informative) answers:
- Why did God choose to talk to Moses from inside a flaming shrubbery?
Well, it was a nice-looking shrubbery, and not too expensive. Plus, as I have mentioned previously, we’re all pretty much pyromaniacs. It was an inspired choice on His part.
(Pay no attention to the god behind the curtain.)
- Why is challah braided while French bread isn't?
Reply hazy. Try again later.
- Why can’t Orthodox Jews listen to Black Sabbath on the Sabbath?
Per the torah, we’re only allowed one Sabbath each week. The less devout among us can substitute the Black version without any repercussions, but the spiritual toll of a second Sabbath for the Orthodox becomes exponential: 4x the atonement, 4x the guilt, 4x the fasting... That’s why they stick with Black Sabbath cover bands.
- Why are the Hebrews so obsessed with bagels and lox?
What, you didn’t think Jews were among the multitude Jesus fed?
Bagels and lox: The loaves and fishes of the Jewish set.
- Why are Jews so good with money, but so bad at sports?
Um, we’re good with money because we’re bad at sports. We can’t get paid millions to play games for a living, so we need to make the most of what little money we do get. And that’s what we do. We make it into the most money.
All our years playing in travel finance leagues don’t hurt, either.
- Why do the practices of Orthodox Jews seem so unorthodox?
Because you’re an unimaginative git who can’t perceive what it’s like to have different beliefs. If you walked a mile in their shoes, you wouldn’t think that anymore.*
* Instead you’d think, “There's no way I'm walking all the way back. Better call an Uber.” You lazy git.
- Why do Jews repeatedly insist you have a nagila?
Because they are so. Friggin’. Good. Honestly, they’re like heaven in your mouth, which is saying something since we Jews don’t believe in heaven. But these are so amazing they make us believe. You have no idea what you’re missing. (And you probably never will, either; we snatch them up like Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.)
- Why is Hanukkah sometimes so early (or late)?
The Spanish Inquisition.
You see, usually nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. And that has led to grave consequences. But by varying when Hanukkah occurs every year, we Jews are prepared for anything at anytime. We are so ready for Hanukkah 2020!*
* It began in July 2017.
- Why do so many Jews’ names end in “berg” or “stein”?
The ‘Steins traditionally were the beer- and winemakers, the ones who kept people’s mugs filled. The ‘Bergs provided the ice.*
* That is, diamonds.
- What were Moses' thoughts on gay marriage?
Moses was all for gay marriage. Who doesn't like a happy marriage? Besides, anything that kept people from committing adultery or coveting their neighbor’s wife was fine by him.
- Where can I find a good local deli?
Online. After all, online’s only a few inches away, which is the localest you get.
- Where are the Jewish unfaithful most likely to hide their stash of bacon?
In their bellies.
- Does Moses' deep-seeded aversion to water stem from his early basket trip down the Nile?
No, Moses was too young to remember his wild Nile adventure. The real reason he ensured not a single drop of Red Sea touched him and his followers was because he had a pet mogwai.
- Oy, will my daughter ever meet a nice Jewish boy and settle down?
Get with the times, old man. No one feels settled in this day and age, with every headline a new source of fear and frustration. And there’s no reason the boy needs to be Jewish. Or a boy. Or even nice. As long as they don’t make their mother worry, they’re a keeper.
- How do you identify if someone’s Jewish just by looking?
I’ve previously mentioned the horns and other visible clues, and for you poor goyim that’s as good as you’re going to get. To really know at a glance who is and isn’t Jewish, you’ll need to convert to Judaism. Only then will you be able to see the ethereal glow that emanates from each of God’s Chosen People. It’s kind of like a secret handshake.*
* Handshake not included.
- Which styles of yarmulke are in this holiday season?
I actually answered this question back in 2015, but as always, styles have changed. Kids are now begging for square Minecraft-style yarmulkes, while the most discerning adults favor the Emperor’s New Kippah.*
* Sure, it may look like their heads are bare, but well, maybe you shouldn’t say anything about it.
- Does the Red Sea naturally part on the right or the left?
It doesn’t part naturally at all. Have you seen the disorder of its many waves and curls? To get a comb through that mess, you’d need a miracle worker.
- What were the Jews really doing in that desert for 40 years?
As rabid fans of Moses & the Israelites (known for such hits as “The Ten Commandments”, “Let My People Go”, and “Don't Eat That Pig!”), they just had to follow their messiah on his decades-long desert tour.
- How do I tell the difference between a regular Jewish American girl and a Princess?
The only difference between the two is the princess’s entitlement. And I mean that literally. For instance, if she is introduced as “Leah Steinbergenstein,” she’s a girl. But if she’s introduced as “Leah Steinbergenstein, Princess,” well, you can figure out the rest.
- How can you tell sufganiyot and Sufjan Stevens apart?
One is a cheesy yet delectable treat, a perfect complement for the holiday season... and the other is sufganiyot.
- How do I confirm the authenticity of my King James Torah?
Check the front for the “Official Autographed Copy” sticker. Duh.
- What does Trump’s embassy decision mean for “next year in Jerusalem”?
The main impact of the president’s decision is some Palestinians will treat Americans even worse, so it'd be best not to act American while there. Thus, the correct phrase is now: “Next year in Jerusalem, eh?”
- Does my dislike for Yosemite Sam mean I really hate all Semites?
What kind of idiotic logic is that? It would mean my dislike for Elmo, Dolores Umbridge, and Donald Trump translates to hate for all elms, bridges, and rum, which is just stupid. I don’t hate rum.
In other words... there’s a 66.7% chance you do, yes.
- Is “apple jews” or “apple seder” is the more delicious(ly horrible) pun?
“Apple seder” at least has some merit; the first one is such a lazy, deplorable attempt at punnery I can’t even bring myself to repeat it here. In fact, I decree that whoever came up with it be fried in leftover latke oil. And this punishment must be carried out in full, because I’m the boss, Applesauce.*
* Yes, I ended my verdict with a Judge Judy-ism. Get it? Judy-ism? Ok, ok, I’m getting in the oil.
- Something has been nagging me for weeks, and I’m beginning to wonder: Is it actually a Jew?
Blast! Yes, it was me all along. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for you damn kids and your dog. Now go tell your friends and family you love them, like I’ve been telling you to do for weeks.
