Horrible Puns For The Win

Libraries have been getting a lot of praise lately. The Old Spice Guy likes libraries. The New Spice Guy loves them. Now, I’ve always been a huge advocate of libraries, but they’re no longer my #1 source for free books. I’ve found something much, much better.

Internet contests.

Win an online contest, and you don’t even have to go to the library; the free books will come to you. For instance, over the weekend, I won a writing contest hosted by literary agent Janet Reid. Three days later, Stuart Neville’s Ghosts of Belfast and Collusion were delivered directly to my doorstep.¹

Free stuff makes me goofy.²

The challenge? To write a story in 100 words or less, using each of the following words at least once: Bacon, Resistance, Simpson, Fenske, and Reed.

My winning entry, as selected by Janet Reid:

“I don’t want to marry the simpson.”

“Of course you do, Gwyn. And enunciate; you’ll soon be a noble. It’s two words: simp’s son.”

“No. I don’t care if he’s a fenske—ow!”

Her father’s fingers were reed-thin, but his grip was firm. “Not fenskeeper. Keeper of the Fens. Show some respect. He protects our marshlands. Our home. Remember what I always say.”

“Bacon makes everything better?”

“Not that. The other one.”

Gwyn groaned. “Resistance is feudal.”

“Exactly. Serfs may rebel against that simp of a lord, but we’re above that. Here, have some bacon, and let’s get you hitched.”

I hope this has been a lesson for you all: Bad puns can be used for good. And yes, I can finish a complete thought in 100 words or less. Although, if you only take one thing away from this post, it should be this: Libraries are great, but online writing contest are better.

Even more so with bacon.


¹ True story. Right there on the doorstep. I have no idea why the guy didn’t ring the doorbell, though. I was home.
² Okay, okay. Free stuff makes me goofi-er.