Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Friday, July 23, 2010

Horrible Puns For The Win

Libraries have been getting a lot of praise lately. The Old Spice Guy likes libraries. The New Spice Guy loves them. Now, I’ve always been a huge advocate of libraries, but they’re no longer my #1 source for free books. I’ve found something much, much better.

Internet contests.

Win an online contest, and you don’t even have to go to the library; the free books will come to you. For instance, over the weekend, I won a writing contest hosted by literary agent Janet Reid. Three days later, Stuart Neville’s Ghosts of Belfast and Collusion were delivered directly to my doorstep.1

Free stuff makes me goofy.2

The challenge? To write a story in 100 words or less, using each of the following words at least once: Bacon, Resistance, Simpson, Fenske, and Reed.

My winning entry, as selected by Janet Reid:
“I don’t want to marry the simpson.”

“Of course you do, Gwyn. And enunciate; you’ll soon be a noble. It’s two words: simp’s son.”

“No. I don’t care if he’s a fenske—ow!”

Her father’s fingers were reed-thin, but his grip was firm. “Not fenskeeper. Keeper of the Fens. Show some respect. He protects our marshlands. Our home. Remember what I always say.”

“Bacon makes everything better?”

“Not that. The other one.”

Gwyn groaned. “Resistance is feudal.”

“Exactly. Serfs may rebel against that simp of a lord, but we’re above that. Here, have some bacon, and let’s get you hitched.”

I hope this has been a lesson for you all: Bad puns can be used for good. And yes, I can finish a complete thought in 100 words or less. Although, if you only take one thing away from this post, it should be this: Libraries are great, but online writing contest are better.

Even more so with bacon.

1 True story. Right there on the doorstep. I have no idea why the guy didn’t ring the doorbell, though. I was home.
2 Okay, okay. Free stuff makes me goofi-er.


  1. I've never been prouder of you than I am right in this moment.

  2. Thanks, Jen! Of course, I'm still more proud of the time you said my superhero tale had a dash of Christopher Moore in the style department. Now, if I can just convince his agent of that...