Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

That Wasn't All, Paul (The Other 45 Ways to Leave Your Lover)

In Paul Simon's iconic "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," he only repeats the same five methods over and over, and it's always kind of annoyed me. So I did what any rational person would do: I finished his song for him.

For reference, here's the original chorus:
Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy, you just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus (you don't need to discuss much)
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

(listen to it as an mp3)
So what are the other 45 ways? I'm glad you asked. Sure, a bunch of these are actually ways to get your lover to leave you, but in my defense, it's not exactly like Mr. Simon stayed on task, either. Here are the ones he left out:
  1. Drive off in a truck, Buck
  2. Jump in a van, Fran
  3. Catch the next plane, Shane, and sit in 3B
  4. Ride on the rail, Dale (watch out for the fail whale)
  5. Travel by cars, Lars, and head for the sea
     
  6. Escape in the dark, Mark
  7. Run off in the night, Dwight
  8. Slip out at dawn, Shaun, while she's still asleep
  9. Just flee in the morn, Lorne (so you can watch more porn)
  10. Skip out 'fore she wakes, Jake, and don't stop to pee
     
  11. It's fine to be rude, Jude
  12. You gotta be curt, Bert
  13. You need to be mean, Gene, don't show her pity
  14. Dump her in a tweet, Pete (yep, that there's the sweetmeat)
  15. Change all the locks, Knox, and get a new key
     
  16. Just tell her she's fat, Pat
  17. Insult her bod, Todd
  18. Call her a freak, Zeke, I don't think she'll agree
  19. Say she's a dyke, Mike (that she looks just like Ike)
  20. Make fun of her rack, Zach, she won't find it funny
     
  21. Fool her with a con, John
  22. Lie, cheat, and steal, Neil
  23. Take her to the bank, Frank, and snag all her money
  24. Forge all of her checks, Dex (and only eat Tex-Mex)
  25. Slip her a pill, Will, and then you can flee
     
  26. Just get with her friend, Ben
  27. Sleep with her sis, Chris
  28. Make out with her mom, Tom, she'll be so angry
  29. Find a new girl, Earl (one with some unfurled curls)
  30. Start dating a man, Dan, she'll be done with thee
     
  31. Throw her in a ditch, Mitch
  32. Leave her to rot, Scott
  33. Kick her to the curb, Herb, that's what I want to see
  34. Send her on her way, Jay (and right before payday)
  35. Toss her from your house, Klaus, then throw a party
     
  36. Shave her pet cat, Matt
  37. Go jump off a cliff, Biff
  38. Fake your own death, Seth, that sounds good to me
  39. You just have to leave, Steve (no need for a reprieve)
  40. Just fly far away, Clay, that'll work guaranteed
     
  41. Slide out of bed, Fred
  42. Just turn the knob, Rob
  43. Step out the door, Thor, you just listen to me
  44. Head 'cross the lawn, Vaughn (and soon you'll be long gone)
  45. Just push through the gate, Nate, and set yourself free*
* This is advice for a different Nate. I'm perfectly happy where I am, thank you very much.

And hey! Don't forget to enter my Pirate Haiku Contest, which ends this Saturday, 5/7.
 

20 comments:

  1. You are crazy all over the inside of your head.

    I'm so glad I did the A-to-Z Challenge and found this blog. It makes me lahf.

    I awarded you a Stylish Blogger award! The rules and badge are here: http://www.marianallen.com/2011/05/writers-tools-asking-questions/

    MA

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  2. You're really great, Nate.
    Reading this post is fate.
    Now my muse must roam.
    At the mouth I foam
    for more poetic inflates.

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  3. I loves, but if The Man ever does one of these things, I'll fucking kill you...with kindness. ;-)

    One day, I would love to crawl in your brainpan and see what else you got cooking. You better sleep with your ears covered.

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  4. why no women? We can leave our lovers too.

    And Hannah FTW!

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  5. Marian: ...and sometimes the crazy seeps out, so you get a post like this. Thanks for the award! I'll be doing a post-A-to-Z awards post soon(ish).

    Jeffrey: I'm worried about your foaming mouth... did one of your muses bite you? You need to capture your muse and bring it to the vet to see if it has rabies.

    Hannah: Is Kindness the name of your sword? Oh, and you just try to get in my brainpan. Good luck getting past my guard dog, my attack cat, and my self-defense lemur.

    Falen: Well, Paul Simon only sang about men with one-syllable names, and I didn't want to stray from the style of the original. And Hannah is not getting in my ear. She's a book ninja, not an ear ninja.

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  6. Thanks, Nate! That song always felt so incomplete.

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  7. You won't know until it's sticking through your chestplate and it's song is sung for centuries to come.

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  8. OMG. You are certifiably mad but I loved it! Just jump of the Cliff, Biff. Hehehe.

    Ellie Garratt

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  9. Alex: I'm happy I could bring you some closure... or something to that effect.

    Hannah: Aha! I knew your sword would be killing me softly with its song.

    Ellie: Aye, I may be mad, but there's a meth-- no, I'm kidding. There's no method to it. I just know how to avoid wielding straitjackets. Anyway, glad you enjoyed the post!

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  10. The jumping in a van...sounds more like a hostage situation than a breakup.

    Just sayin.

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  11. Jessica: I can't believe you'd insult Paul Simon like that! But seriously, whenever I get kidnapped, I get thrown into a van; you're not supposed to jump in willingly. Stockholm Syndrome is not a pre-existing condition.

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  12. Nice job!
    In my teens, I was partial to "50 Ways To Love Your Lever."
    "It' mine and I'll wash it as long and as fast as I want dammit! Now get the hell outta the shower!"

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  13. Is it weird that I sang all 45 additions to myself? Well, anyway, lots of fun and damn clever, Nate!

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  14. Chris: Thanks. (I hope you're not just saying that because of the song's advice to you...)

    Al: Okay, I may have suggested insults, stealing, cheating, and bodily harm, but you, sir, have crossed the line. Well done.

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  15. Renee: No, I don't think that's weird at all. (And not just because I did that very same thing multiple times...) Glad you enjoyed it!

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  16. That was truly great Nate! I sang along and enjoyed it completely. I've always wondered why he said 50 ways and only gave a few, I'm guessing so some witty fellow could come along and entertain those of us who are crazy enough to care.
    You realize now every time any of us hears that song, we'll be thinking of you and your 45 ways?

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  17. Heather, that was the plan all along. Now when you hear about men leaving their lovers, you'll think of me. Oh wait... that's not good. Crap.

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  18. 16-20 would definitely be ways to get yourself dumped by your lover. I think your fifty should be the re-write to the song. Or write a book about it. Either one would be pure gold!
    Ava

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  19. Ava: As much as I'd like to write a book of pure gold, I think the song rewrite is probably the better approach in this instance. Ooh, I should have Chevy Chase sing it (though you can call him Al).

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