Thanks for Nothing (and Everything)

Today, Americans everywhere will be going online and spewing forth the many things that they are thankful for this year. Family, friends, and football will be featured prominently, and everywhere you look you’ll be knee-deep in sap. But as they say, if you can’t beat ‘em (and I can’t; they’re too far away), join ‘em. So join ‘em I shall...

• I am thankful that, unlike last Thanksgiving, I have yet to drive through the garage door.
  
  
• I am thankful for gorges with rock walls just far enough apart, and water at least eight feet deep at the bottom. (So very thankful...)
  
  
• I am thankful for ninjas.
  
  
• I am thankful for my wonderful group of friends, not one of whom has seen through my ingenious disguise to discover that I am, in fact, their sworn arch-enemy.¹
  
  
• I am thankful for my family, without whom I probably never would have existed.
  
  
• I am thankful for organizations such as the Food Bank. I deposited a turkey last year, and thanks to magic of accrued interest, I now have a turkey with gravy, stuffing, a side of mashed potatoes, and a slice of apple pie for dessert.
  
  
• I am thankful for our aquaphobic dog, since “aquaphobic dog” is generally synonymous with “dry, unsmelly dog.”
  
  
• I am thankful for the stupid people of the world.² If it wasn’t for them, not only would news headlines be horrifically dull, but I’d have much less to write about.
  
  
• I am thankful for turkeys. Without getting three strikes in a row, I’d never break 200 in Wii bowling.
  
  
• I am thankful for the little things in life.³
  
  
• I am thankful for laughter so contagious that it spreads throughout a room in mere seconds, doubling everyone over with giggles and chortles and guffaws so they don’t notice that I’m eating some of their pie.
  
  
• I am thankful to be so full of thank.
  
  
• But most of all, I am thankful for Denise. She made muffins.

¹ For I am... Nemesis Man!
² As long as those dumkopfs remain far, far away from me. No, really; stay away.
³ Smurfs.