After three straight posts without any footnotes,1 I presume2 that3 some of you4 may be suffering from acute footnote withdrawal.5 Hopefully,6 this short post will help get you back on your feet7 and8 feeling more like yourself9 in no time.10
1 My previous record was one. And for the record, I don’t mean “straight” as in “heterosexual.” I’m not going to label my blog posts as gay or ungay; that’s for them to decide on their own. I’ll love them no matter what.
2 If I assumed, I’d make an ass out of you and me, and I’m not comfortable doing that since I may not even know you. By presuming, I instead make a <pre> out of Sue and me, which doesn’t affect you and isn’t nearly as offensive to Sue. (I do love web design humor.)
3 That that is unnecessary. The sentence would have worked fine without it.
4 Specifically, Naomi and Maureen.
5 Possible symptoms include: headache, nausea, cotton mouth, cauliflower ear, corn rows, hay fever, rubber neck, sereve lysdexia, and an uncontrollable urge to stab anyone or anything that does not have notes at its feet.
6 I’ve left this in as an example of bad grammar. “Hopefully” is not synonymous with “I hope.” It is an adverb meaning “in a hopeful manner,” and should only be used as such. Hopefully, thanks to this lesson, you won’t make this mistake again.
7 You are such a klutz. And don’t try suing me for damages, either; I have an attack lawyer, and I know how to use him.
8 That’s right: there’s more!
9 Unless you’d rather feel like someone else. John Malkovich, perhaps? I know just the place.
10 Are you cured yet? It’s been no time already. If you still need a heavy dose of footnotes to nurse you back to full health, go read Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell. You’ll feel right as rain — or left as snow — in no time. Give or take a few hours.
Thanks, Brother. I feel much better now. I was wondering where that cauliflower ear came from.
ReplyDeletelol...fabulous post. Thanks for bringing a grin to my face.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering why I suddenly had cauliflower in my ears...
ReplyDeleteOkie--
ReplyDeleteglad I could help. I used to make people smile by pushing upward on both of their cheeks, but then I discovered the power words could have when arranged in humorous fashion. Far fewer lawsuits this way.
And Kyle--
That's "cauliflower ears," not cauliflower in your ears. I don't think you have acute footnote withdrawal. Sounds more like you fell asleep with your head in the crisper compartment of your refrigerator again.
Congratulations on winning the writing contest at Janet Reid's blog! You crafted a great and creative entry that is filled with marvelous puns.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marjorie! I suspect the creativity was a fluke, but I do have a knack for marvelous (and/or horrible) puns.
ReplyDeleteGreetings(1), now for something that has nothing to do with your post(2). How are you doing(3)? I wanted to write about how I have been sick and coughing lately(4). I have been running(5) lately
ReplyDeleteand Norman(6) is doing well. The cough is horrible(7). This has been fun(8). See ya(9)!
(1) Hello!
(2) Except for footnotes and disease
(3) I am doing well
(4) and sickness does not deter me
(5) from my goals.
(6) My brother
(7) Is okay
(8) but I've got to go now.
(9) Bye!