Footing the Bill

I have written¹ here² every day³ so far in 2016, but my footnote-to-post ratio⁴ has been at an all-time low.⁵ This won't fix that,⁶ but it might⁷ at least get things⁸ somewhat⁹ closer to normal.¹⁰

¹ I.e. typed. No one really writes anymore. Hell, even my typing shows I'm still stuck in the authorial dark ages. Voice recognition is the new quill and ink.
² In my office chair, sitting at my computer. Oh, you thought I was talking about my blog? Hardly. I never do that. People who blog about blogging don't get any readers. And I've got at least two.
³ I know, I'm surprised, too. I haven't even written typed narrated brainwaved any of them ahead of time.
⁴ What? It's totally a thing.
⁵ 0.76, or 19 footnotes over 25 blog posts. Take away the three most footful, and it's 0.136 (3 in 22 posts). Downright pathetic.
⁶ This has been fixing to fix that for some time now. This and that may have been partners for centuries, but man oh man does that get around. Seriously. That will pair off with pretty much any word out there. It's past time to get that snipped.
⁷ I'm not always the most positive person. Okay, I'm never the most positive person. I tend to dwell on the negative. "Might" might be as close as I get to being positive. Pretty sure.
⁸ "Things" is such a vague word. In this instance, even I don't know what sort of stuff I'm referring to.
⁹ Some people recommend avoiding adverbs like "somewhat" and "a little" when writing. They say such words don't add anything, and often the whole phrase can be replaced by a stronger one-word descriptor. I'm somewhat skeptical.
¹⁰ Hey, don't laugh. I could be normal if I wanted to. Oh, come on! I could! I absolutely could. I mean, normal people still like footnotes, right?

Getting Back to My Roots

Astute readers of this blog will have noticed my writing has fallen off of late. Not only am I blogging less, but my posts have become very photo-centric. And though photographs and stories of my son are fun, I think we can all agree something has been missing.

By something, of course, I mean footnotes.¹

After all, footnotes are the bedrock of what makes this country blog great.² In fact, back when I first invented The Wheel, I named it after a footnote.³

So that's my goal. Cut back on posts written solely to accompany photos. Get back to writing things of substance.⁴ Sprinkle in a liberal amount of footnotes.⁵ Bake for thirty minutes.⁶

Sure, I'll probably give up on this goal⁷ within a couple weeks, and again resort to posting cute things my son says. But the important thing is I pretended it was a goal in the first place. Because it's good to have goals.

It's fun to pretend, too.<sup>8


1</sup> Kind of like this one. (But only kind of.)
² Great. Now that I said bedrock I can't stop thinking about the Flintstones. You know, because their beds were made of rock. (To find out what that would feel like, find your local quarry and take your soft mattress for granite.) Note: This bad pun alert arrives a sentence too late.
³ What, you don't believe me? Come on, not everything I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Especially since it's such a pain to eat salt one grain at a time. Just do what I do: Down a tablespoon of the stuff before you read anything I've written. Go ahead, grab a spoonful and then read my blog's origin story.
⁴ Of course, my idea of substance might differ from yours. I'm talking about sarcasm. Because that totally works in print.
⁵ To balance things out politically, I'll ensure such footnotes are right-leaning.
⁶ No, that's not a reference to smoking pot. It's playing off the "sprinkle" in the previous sentence as if it was part of a recipe. Didn't you know? Cooking humor always trumps drug humor. #hashtag
⁷ Except the part about the footnotes.
⁸ I'm even pretending people will read this post when I didn't include a photo. Wow, I am so naïve.

And Then I Made a 10-Footer

I haven't blogged much lately.¹ So² I thought,³ to⁴ make it up⁵ to you⁶ (or at least those of you with a footnote fetish),⁷ I would put together an epic post.⁸ Instead, I wrote this. Sorry!⁹ That's Life.¹⁰

¹ Sure, I'm focusing more on my novel (progress is slow but steady), but I also have a nearly 11-month -old (assisted walking is fast but steady), and beneath the carpet in our dining room we discovered linoleum (removal is very slow but for the love of all that is holy, who puts linoleum on top of hardwood?!).

² A needle pulling thread... walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You can't drag all that in here. I'm gonna have to cut you off."
"Darn it!" says the needle. "Quit hemming and hawing. Just give me a beer."
"Oh, you come bobbin in here and want me to tailor my business to your needs? Go lose yourself in a haystack."
"Mother of Pearl! Did you just...? Look me in the eye and say that again."
The bartender smiled pointedly. "Hey, no need to come unraveled."
"You think this is funny?"
"Well, you've got me in stitches."
The needle stalked out. "Cross my heart, I hope you die."
"Prick."

³ A dangerous proposition. The more I think, the more confused everyone else gets.

⁴ A dangerous preposition. I mean, it's involved in all sorts of horrifying things (e.g. death to infidels, a license to kill, From Justin to Kelly).

⁵ I like making things up. Stories, characters, excuses, lists of demands, tests, counters, you name it. Pretty much everything except my mind. Oh, and the bed. I don't see the point.

⁶ And when I say "make it up to you," of course I mean "make me feel less guilty about blogging less. What, you thought this was about you? Get over yourself. It's about me.

⁷ For they are the most susceptible to the advanced stages of blogoscopic footnotosis (formerly acute footnote withdrawal and wheelfiritis). Additional symptoms include stink eye, needle nose, pencil neck, cold shoulder, stiff arm, dead man's hand, wooden chest, flash back, bottom line, peg leg, and chicken foot.

⁸ You know, an exceptionally grandiose blog entry that will change the world. Or a 20-foot-high fence stake intricately carved to tell the entire story of the Iliad. Or an appointment as Über-Delegate to the Grand Poobah of Everything. One of those.

⁹ A game for 2-4 players.

¹⁰ A game for 2-6 players. In which, just like real life, you get a free car before your first job and get to drive it without a license. Of course, if you combine the game with Sorry!, you could end up back at the start, and become a polygamist working multiple jobs to make ends meet. (You might think this is a lame end to the post, but again, it's not all about you. It's about me. As long as I entertain one person, I'm happy. And Mikey, he likes it.)

Putting One Footnote in Front of the Other

Once upon a time,¹ there was² a blogger³ who had been neglecting his readers.⁴ In a misguided attempt⁵ to appease them, he decided to jam-pack⁶ an entire month's supply of footnotes⁷ into a single post⁸ in order to stave off possible wheelfiritis.⁹ There were no known survivors.<sup>10


1</sup> Wow, did I really open with such a cliché? I might as well be starting a movie preview with "In a world where...", beginning a joke with "A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar..." or walking into a bar and saying "So, do you come here often?" This lack of originality doesn't bode well for the rest of the post.
² Well, at least it's not "in a land far, far away," but "there was" connotes telling rather than showing, and as a writer it's usually better to do the latter. I mean, which do you prefer: "Joe was tall" or "Joe smacked his forehead on the door frame as he followed me in. 'Fuck!' he said. 'That's the third time this week.'" The second one, right? Of course. People adore violence and profanity.
³ I'm not naming names; I ain't no rat. According to the horoscope, I'm a lion. According to the Chinese horoscope, I'm a horse. According to the Chinese fluoroscope, I'm a pig, and should lower my cholesterol.
⁴ All of whom are svelte, alarmingly intelligent people, with the exception of Francois T. Parfait of Austin, TX, who is, in fact, a monkey.
⁵ The only kind of attempt I ever attempt.
⁶ Twice as effective as jamming or packing. Three times as effective as pam-jacking.
⁷ I get them wholesale. The quality sometimes suffers, but I Kant campaign aboot the Pryce.
⁸ Single post with offbeat sense of humor seeks same. Enjoys reading, surfing, and traveling to other countries in the blink of an eye. Allergic to cookies and LOLCats.
⁹ Previously known as acute footnote withdrawal. Additional symptoms include: pink eye, yellow fever, blue blood, purple heart, brown coat, white knuckles, red balloons, and green clover.
¹⁰ Although the dead are now risin' up, back on the street.

Something's Afoot

After three straight posts without any footnotes,¹ I presume² that³ some of you⁴ may be suffering from acute footnote withdrawal.⁵ Hopefully,⁶ this short post will help get you back on your feet⁷ and⁸ feeling more like yourself⁹ in no time.<sup>10


1</sup> My previous record was one. And for the record, I don’t mean “straight” as in “heterosexual.” I’m not going to label my blog posts as gay or ungay; that’s for them to decide on their own. I’ll love them no matter what.
² If I assumed, I’d make an ass out of you and me, and I’m not comfortable doing that since I may not even know you. By presuming, I instead make a <pre> out of  Sue  and  me, which doesn’t affect you and isn’t nearly as offensive to Sue. (I do love web design humor.)
³ That that is unnecessary. The sentence would have worked fine without it.
⁴ Specifically, Naomi and Maureen.
⁵ Possible symptoms include: headache, nausea, cotton mouth, cauliflower ear, corn rows, hay fever, rubber neck, sereve lysdexia, and an uncontrollable urge to stab anyone or anything that does not have notes at its feet.
⁶ I’ve left this in as an example of bad grammar. “Hopefully” is not synonymous with “I hope.” It is an adverb meaning “in a hopeful manner,” and should only be used as such. Hopefully, thanks to this lesson, you won’t make this mistake again.
⁷ You are such a klutz. And don’t try suing me for damages, either; I have an attack lawyer, and I know how to use him.
⁸ That’s right: there’s more!
⁹ Unless you’d rather feel like someone else. John Malkovich, perhaps? I know just the place.
¹⁰ Are you cured yet? It’s been no time already. If you still need a heavy dose of footnotes to nurse you back to full health, go read Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell. You’ll feel right as rain — or left as snow — in no time. Give or take a few hours.