In last year's NaNoRhyMo, I shamelessly mutilated 10 nursery rhymes, one limerick, and a TV theme song. The gem of the 2009 collection (as decided by me, just now), was a mash-up of the theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Stephen King's It:
In South Central Maine I was born and raisedThis year I'm submitting half as many entries, which is perfectly acceptable, because unlike the other NaNoWriMo, this one is about quality, not quantity.
At the Barrens where I spent most of my days,
Running, and hiding, being bullied by fools,
Sometimes constructing a dam when not at school,
When this one creepy clown who was up to no good
Started killing children in my neighborhood.
There was but one little death and we all got scared;
Instead of Pennywise we should’ve made a date with Linda Blair.
(Of course, if you keep reading, you'll notice it's not about quality, either.)
Take me out of my dis-trict,
Take me out of my home.
Make me some dresses and tasty snacks,
All I care is that I make it back
'Cause it's root, root, root through my backpack.
If there's no knife, it's a shame.
For it's twen-ty-three deaths each year
In the Hun-ger Games!
Now I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the orcs won't take Helm's Deep;
Should Frodo die or never wake,
Sam holds the Ring, and thus, our fate.
Every sperm whale's sacred,
Every blue whale's great,
But if the white's not wasted,
Ahab's still irate.1
1 That's right: I used a song about sperm to reference the big Dick. Admit it, you wish you'd thought of it first.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Flashing a smile his way,
But along came Spider, to trick her (and ride her);
It just wasn't Fat Charlie's day.2
2 For those of you who assumed I'd use the whole "along came a spider" nonsense to tout a certain James Patterson novel by that name, there's something you need to know: When it comes to literature, Gaiman always trumps Patterson.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
But was it a fall? Or was it a push?
Jack thinks it's murder. (Don't ruin it! Shush!)3
3 They can't all be masterpieces
"Hey, Aeneas, what is this?"
"This, this... is Scylla and Charybdis."
"Do you think they mean us harm?"
"Undoubtedly. Sound the alarm."
"Which one, the glockenspiel or chime?"
"Never mind, we don't have time."
"Why are we sailing straight ahead?"
"Go left or right, we'll all be dead."
"We're gonna die! I know, I've seen it!"
"Anybody want a peanut?"4
4 Yes, I know The Aeneid is actually an epic poem, not a novel, and that it already rhymes. So what? Anything that leads to a Princess Bride reference is a win in my book.5
5 Not an actual book.
Well, that's all I've got: 2 nursery rhymes, 2 songs, 1 children's prayer, and a scene from a movie. But just because I was the only NaNoRhymer last year doesn't mean I have to go it alone this year, too.
So, dear readers, can you think of any other novels that need to be immortalized in verse? Share your own rhymes in the comments.6
6 If you're hesitating because you believe your rhyme is too silly or too stupid, take another gander at mine. Obviously, I don't have high standards. Have at it.