Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Stopping for Another Nanosecond

Now that we're past the mid-point of NaNoWriMo, it's time once again to take a short break and celebrate its lesser-known brethren, NaNoRhyMo (National Novel Rhyming Month).

In last year's NaNoRhyMo, I shamelessly mutilated 10 nursery rhymes, one limerick, and a TV theme song. The gem of the 2009 collection (as decided by me, just now), was a mash-up of the theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Stephen King's It:
In South Central Maine I was born and raised
At the Barrens where I spent most of my days,
Running, and hiding, being bullied by fools,
Sometimes constructing a dam when not at school,
When this one creepy clown who was up to no good
Started killing children in my neighborhood.
There was but one little death and we all got scared;
Instead of Pennywise we should’ve made a date with Linda Blair.
This year I'm submitting half as many entries, which is perfectly acceptable, because unlike the other NaNoWriMo, this one is about quality, not quantity.

(Of course, if you keep reading, you'll notice it's not about quality, either.)

Take me out of my dis-trict,
Take me out of my home.
Make me some dresses and tasty snacks,
All I care is that I make it back
'Cause it's root, root, root through my backpack.
If there's no knife, it's a shame.
For it's twen-ty-three deaths each year
In the Hun-ger Games!

Now I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the orcs won't take Helm's Deep;
Should Frodo die or never wake,
Sam holds the Ring, and thus, our fate.

Every sperm whale's sacred,
Every blue whale's great,
But if the white's not wasted,
Ahab's still irate.1

1 That's right: I used a song about sperm to reference the big Dick. Admit it, you wish you'd thought of it first.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Flashing a smile his way,
But along came Spider, to trick her (and ride her);
It just wasn't Fat Charlie's day.2

2 For those of you who assumed I'd use the whole "along came a spider" nonsense to tout a certain James Patterson novel by that name, there's something you need to know: When it comes to literature, Gaiman always trumps Patterson.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
But was it a fall? Or was it a push?
Jack thinks it's murder. (Don't ruin it! Shush!)3

3 They can't all be masterpieces

"Hey, Aeneas, what is this?"
"This, this... is Scylla and Charybdis."
"Do you think they mean us harm?"
"Undoubtedly. Sound the alarm."
"Which one, the glockenspiel or chime?"
"Never mind, we don't have time."
"Why are we sailing straight ahead?"
"Go left or right, we'll all be dead."
"We're gonna die! I know, I've seen it!"
"Anybody want a peanut?"4

4 Yes, I know The Aeneid is actually an epic poem, not a novel, and that it already rhymes. So what? Anything that leads to a Princess Bride reference is a win in my book.5
5 Not an actual book.

Well, that's all I've got: 2 nursery rhymes, 2 songs, 1 children's prayer, and a scene from a movie. But just because I was the only NaNoRhymer last year doesn't mean I have to go it alone this year, too.

So, dear readers, can you think of any other novels that need to be immortalized in verse? Share your own rhymes in the comments.6

6 If you're hesitating because you believe your rhyme is too silly or too stupid, take another gander at mine. Obviously, I don't have high standards. Have at it.


  1. o.m.g. that hunger games rhyme was full of EPIC WIN.

  2. Here are three nursery songs for NaNoRhyMo

    Rockabye Baby

    Rockabye Peter in Neverland
    Don't want to grow up? Go join his band.
    When the Hook comes, the lost boys will fight
    And when it is darkest, Tink is their light.

    Old MacDonald

    Old Man Fagan had a gang
    Oh poor Oliver
    And in the gang there was a boy called
    The Artful Dodger
    With a quick grab here and a picked pocket there
    Here a theft, there a con, everywhere a robbed nob
    Old Man Fagan had a gang
    Oh poor Oliver

    Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

    Sparkle sparkle little vamp,
    Oregon is very damp.
    Through the woods you swiftly fly,
    When you talk it makes me cry.
    Sparkle sparkle little vamp,
    Oregon is very damp.

  3. Falen, thank you so much! I love epic wins! In fact, I may never go back to regular old wins again.

    Matt, thanks! You are too kind.

    Naomi, wonderful rhymes! I'll never hear Twinkle Twinkle the same way again. (With this in your repertoire Tadpole should never hear the original.) Also, two things:
    1. It's spelled Fagin.
    2. Heh heh. Robbed nob.
    Thanks for becoming the second ever NaNoRhyMo participant!

  4. Oops. But you didn't catch my other factual inaccuracy (apparently I was full of them that day). Twinkle Twinkle Little Star should read as follows:

    Sparkle sparkle little vamp,
    Washington is very damp.
    Through the woods you swiftly fly,
    When you talk it makes me cry.
    Sparkle sparkle little vamp,
    Washington is very damp.

  5. You've got some serious skill, oh rhyming king. And so very clever. And of course, anyone who can get in a reference to Princess Bride must certainly be a master. Well done!

  6. I'm not a master, nor a "rhyming king."
    In fact, my dear Carol, there is no such thing.
    It's apparent to me, and I think you will see,
    That calling me clever's a fruitless endeavor,
    But if you should still insist I have skill,
    This comment should warrant my technique's abhorrent.
    Thus it should be clear, with all of these hints
    That I am no king; I'm a rhyming prince.

    Or, possibly a squire.