Before The Wheel

At this time 11 years ago, I was a ghost. An apparition. Friends would swear they'd seen me, perhaps at the dining hall or by the mail room, but always out of the corner of their eye, and they could never prove it. Late at night, they might swap stories about such sightings, about their brief glimpse of a spectre resembling someone they once knew.

It was my final semester of college, and I spent half my waking hours in the art building working on pieces for the art majors' senior show. The other half I was holed up in a computer lab, completing my other senior project: a 3 min 15 sec computer animation. With no time to spare for food or socializing, I lost 20 pounds and 30 friends.¹

Three minutes may not seem like much to you, but you've never been an animator.² For comparison, it took 8 people to complete Pixar's short Luxo Jr., which is 2 min 18 sec long and only contains 6 items on-screen (2 lamps, 2 balls, an electrical outlet, and the floor). Admittedly, Luxo was made 14 years earlier and is far superior, but I was doing everything myself, with 100+ 3D models, 80+ textures, 30+ lights, 4 cameras, and a total of 5,850 frames of animation.³

Back in 2000, it took 2-3 minutes to render a single frame. If I was lucky and no one else was using the computers, I could run 4 of them overnight and get about 800 frames rendered. The next morning I'd pick out all the mistakes (e.g. motion, lighting, timing, executive producer credit), then make adjustments and run the machines again that night.

Rinse, spit, repeat.

There are still plenty of mistakes in this. Close to fifty, at last count.⁴ For years, I told myself I'd go back and fix everything, but life and laziness always intervened. I finally stopped deluding myself a couple months ago — for one thing, I no longer have access to the software — and got a local video place to copy the animation from Beta tape⁷ to DVD.

The picture quality isn't great, but for the first time in 11 years, I have a digital copy. Thus, I've finally released it into the wild (a.k.a. the Tube of You). And since the Academy just awarded the Oscar for best animated short last night, I thought it fitting to share mine with you now.

Behold! The Hunt, the greatest computer animation ever made (by me):

Also, if you're interested, here's a list of all the Easter eggs I included in the animation.


¹ Neither of these is true.
² Or have you? If so, disregard that blanket statement. Instead, read this blanket statement: "I like blankets."
³ Okay, that's not entirely true. I didn't do everything. My friend Jared Castiglione was gracious enough to record two sound effects for me.
⁴ Don't try to count. Really.^5
5 By the way, when I tried to get a job in computer animation after college, everyone loved the video. Creative directors, Human Resources, graphic designers, even CEOs. Everyone, in fact, except the animators. All they saw were the mistakes.^6
6 Yet it was good enough to be shown at Temple University's NextFrame Film Festival. The site provides no proof of this, of course, since the 2000-2001 year is the only one without an archive page. Like I said, 11 years ago I was a ghost.
⁷ Yep, you read that right. Beta.

A Mini-Splintered Thing

Since we still have a little time left in this Hallmark Holiday, let's talk about love. It's often misinterpreted. Love is not about flowers and greeting cards and chocolate, not at its core. It's about feelings, and devotion.¹

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, if you believe Matt Groening,² said this about love:

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

If nothing else, this proves that love means something different to everyone. Whereas some believe love makes the world go round,³ others are quick to ask: What's love but a second Han demotion?⁴

Love is precious, love is kind. Love stinks. Love is a battlefield. Love is blind.

There are those who believe love means absolutely nothing,⁵ and some for whom it is everything. Others use love to their advantage, getting the smitten to act as a kind of indentured servant, to do their cooking and cleaning and sewing.⁶

But most people get it just about right. Love is many things, but mostly it's about caring for someone so deeply you would do almost anything for them.⁷

Remember: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, you were probably in love with a boomerang.


¹ And chocolate.
² I wouldn't.
³ These people clearly aren't physicists.
⁴ What, you thought he'd keep his rank as Captain? He shot first.
⁵ Tennis players.
⁶ You! Come pleat me!
⁷ Even floss.

Stopping for Another Nanosecond

Now that we're past the mid-point of NaNoWriMo, it's time once again to take a short break and celebrate its lesser-known brethren, NaNoRhyMo (National Novel Rhyming Month).

In last year's NaNoRhyMo, I shamelessly mutilated 10 nursery rhymes, one limerick, and a TV theme song. The gem of the 2009 collection (as decided by me, just now), was a mash-up of the theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Stephen King's It:

In South Central Maine I was born and raised
At the Barrens where I spent most of my days,
Running, and hiding, being bullied by fools,
Sometimes constructing a dam when not at school,
When this one creepy clown who was up to no good
Started killing children in my neighborhood.
There was but one little death and we all got scared;
Instead of Pennywise we should’ve made a date with Linda Blair.

This year I'm submitting half as many entries, which is perfectly acceptable, because unlike the other NaNoWriMo, this one is about quality, not quantity.

(Of course, if you keep reading, you'll notice it's not about quality, either.)

[+] Show/Hide All

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Take me out of my dis-trict,
Take me out of my home.
Make me some dresses and tasty snacks,
All I care is that I make it back
'Cause it's root, root, root through my backpack.
If there's no knife, it's a shame.
For it's twen-ty-three deaths each year
In the Hun-ger Games!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Now I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the orcs won't take Helm's Deep;
Should Frodo die or never wake,
Sam holds the Ring, and thus, our fate.

Every Sperm is Sacred

Every sperm whale's sacred,
Every blue whale's great,
But if the white's not wasted,
Ahab's still irate.<sup>1

1</sup> That's right: I used a song about sperm to reference the big Dick. Admit it, you wish you'd thought of it first.

Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Flashing a smile his way,
But along came Spider, to trick her (and ride her);
It just wasn't Fat Charlie's day.<sup>2

2</sup> For those of you who assumed I'd use the whole "along came a spider" nonsense to tout a certain James Patterson novel by that name, there's something you need to know: When it comes to literature, Gaiman always trumps Patterson.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
But was it a fall? Or was it a push?
Jack thinks it's murder. (Don't ruin it! Shush!)<sup>3

3</sup> They can't all be masterpieces

The Rhyming Scene from The Princess Bride

"Hey, Aeneas, what is this?"
"This, this... is Scylla and Charybdis."
"Do you think they mean us harm?"
"Undoubtedly. Sound the alarm."
"Which one, the glockenspiel or chime?"
"Never mind, we don't have time."
"Why are we sailing straight ahead?"
"Go left or right, we'll all be dead."
"We're gonna die! I know, I've seen it!"
"Anybody want a peanut?"<sup>4

4</sup> Yes, I know The Aeneid is actually an epic poem, not a novel, and that it already rhymes. So what? Anything that leads to a Princess Bride reference is a win in my book.^5
5 Not an actual book.

Well, that's all I've got: 2 nursery rhymes, 2 songs, 1 children's prayer, and a scene from a movie. But just because I was the only NaNoRhymer last year doesn't mean I have to go it alone this year, too.

So, dear readers, can you think of any other novels that need to be immortalized in verse? Share your own rhymes in the comments.<sup>6


6</sup> If you're hesitating because you believe your rhyme is too silly or too stupid, take another gander at mine. Obviously, I don't have high standards. Have at it.