Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas Carols for the Zombie Apocalypse

This post first ran on December 23, 2010.

"[Nate's] voice is as smooth as that of a Norwegian yak!"
- Chris Phillips

Just in time for the holidays — and the imminent zombie threat — we bring you a brand new album from Flaming Wheel Records.

Complete with 48 of the world's most popular apocalyptic seasonal hits, this 4-CD box set has updated versions of all your old favorites, including...

Silent night, holy Christ!
Here they come! This ain't right!
Round yon corner, mother and child
Shamble toward us bloody and wild.
Death would be a relief.
Death would be a relief.
(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Oh, the devils outside are frightful,
But on fire, they're so delightful.
And since we've no place to go,
Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan!
(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Chester roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping off your nose.
You'll find Carol being sucked by Claire,
And folks in pies of Eskimo.
(listen to mp3 preview)

Of course no doomsday collection would be complete without these beloved numbers:

Hark! the herald angels sing,
"Blast the head off that damn thing!"
Please unearth us some more food.
God! us sinners are all screwed.
(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

I'm dreaming of a red Christmas,
Unlike the ones we used to know.
Where bodies glisten,
And we all listen,
For sounds of movement down below.
(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Have yourself a very brittle Christmas
As your limbs decay.
From now on,
Your arms will both be miles away.
(listen to mp3 preview)

And who can forget these timeless classics?

Come and hold me, pa rum pa pum pum.
An awful thing to see, pa rum pa pum pum.
Our finest are dying, pa rum pa pum pum.
Then re-animating, pa rum pa pum pum,
Rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum.
(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Five cold dead things!
Four mauling hordes,
Three strange men,
Two useless guns,
And a car for which I have no key.
(listen to mp3 preview)

And many more!

This Christmas, face down the undead hordes with a song. (Tip: Also keep a shotgun handy.) For only 4 installments of $9.99,* you can own A Zombie Named Carol, the greatest compilation of zombie carols ever made.

Place your order in the next fifteen minutes, and we'll throw in the album Purim of the Vampires, a $42 value, absolutely free!

Order yours today! Operators are standing by.

* Plus $19.95 for shivving and man-handling.


  1. $19.95 for shivving and man-handling? Isn't that a bit excessive? Any chance I could Baptist you down on that?

  2. Alex, thanks! So, how many box sets can I put you down for?

    Anthony, well, I'm a Jew, so I'm all about haggling. Tell you what, if you can get me a Red Ryder BB Gun, we'll call it even.

  3. You are so funny! Those are some pretty ripping carols! :)
    My boys will love those.

  4. Heather, ha! I get it. Ripping! Stay safe this holidays season. May any brainless hordes you encounter just be teens at the mall.

  5. Can I just get that man-handling you mentioned in tiny print (as if you could hide that from me)??? And is said man-handler cute? Maybe I should have asked that first...

  6. Sure, Angela, you can get just the man-handling. I'm all about customer satisfaction. And this is a family business, so of course the man-handler is cute. He's only five-and-a-half months old.