Give Her the Ol' Freudian Slip

I have nothing substantial enough to warrant a full post, but here are some various odds and ends (mostly odds).

~~~~~

Fact #1: The Professor (age: 21 mos.) is a quick study. Repeat something a couple times and he's got it.
Fact #2: I got bored with animal sounds.

Translation: He has no idea what a pirate is, but whenever he hears the word he enthusiastically responds with "Arrrrrrr!" (Also, when Denise warned his daycare teacher of another one he'd learned, this was her reaction: "Ah, that explains nap time yesterday. Everyone else had fallen asleep, but I hear this little voice, and he's there saying 'nombie brains nombie brains nombie brains.'")

~~~~~

In my new office, not far from my desk, there are signs directing people to the "Imagination Conference Room" and the "Possibilities Room." I'd make a wisecrack about having such things in an insurance company, but I'm too busy daydreaming of Epcot.*

* Okay, so I may have also printed out signs to post beside them, pointing to the Conference Room of Tomorrow. I only have so much willpower, people.

~~~~~

Times The Professor has said the following phrases without being prompted:
"I love Mommy" — 0
"I love Daddy" — 0
"I love TRASH!" — 123 (and counting)

~~~~~

Here's a bumper sticker for the psychology major in your life. You're welcome.*

* Note: not an actual bumper sticker. Technically, it's just a jpeg. To make it a bumper sticker you'll need to glue your smartphone to your bumper.

~~~~~

One of my fellow web designers recently received this feedback on a mockup:
Use more color. (Add more "white space," but not white space.)*

* Yeah, I have no idea what it means, either. All I know is she could have avoided the whole situation if she'd only asked for feedback, but not "feedback."

~~~~~

Also, I'm not sure if you'd call this a meme, a parody of a meme, a tasteless pie chart, or just a waste of twelve seconds of your life, but here's another image I created recently:

~~~~~

So, that's what I've been up to. How about you?

Christmas Carols for the Zombie Apocalypse

This post first ran on December 23, 2010.

"[Nate's] voice is as smooth as that of a Norwegian yak!"

- Chris Phillips

Just in time for the holidays — and the imminent zombie threat — we bring you a brand new album from Flaming Wheel Records.

Complete with 48 of the world's most popular apocalyptic seasonal hits, this 4-CD box set has updated versions of all your old favorites, including...

Silent night, holy Christ! Here they come! This ain't right! Round yon corner, mother and child Shamble toward us bloody and wild. Death would be a relief. Death would be a relief.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Oh, the devils outside are frightful, But on fire, they're so delightful. And since we've no place to go, Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan!	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Chester roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping off your nose. You'll find Carol being sucked by Claire, And folks in pies of Eskimo.	(listen to mp3 preview)

Of course no doomsday collection would be complete without these beloved numbers:

Hark! the herald angels sing, "Blast the head off that damn thing!" Please unearth us some more food. God! us sinners are all screwed.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
I'm dreaming of a red Christmas, Unlike the ones we used to know. Where bodies glisten, And we all listen, For sounds of movement down below.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Have yourself a very brittle Christmas As your limbs decay. From now on, Your arms will both be miles away.	(listen to mp3 preview)

And who can forget these timeless classics?

Come and hold me, pa rum pa pum pum. An awful thing to see, pa rum pa pum pum. Our finest are dying, pa rum pa pum pum. Then re-animating, pa rum pa pum pum, Rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
On the fifth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me: Five cold dead things! Four mauling hordes, Three strange men, Two useless guns, And a car for which I have no key.	(listen to mp3 preview)

And many more!

This Christmas, face down the undead hordes with a song. (Tip: Also keep a shotgun handy.) For only 4 installments of $9.99,* you can own A Zombie Named Carol, the greatest compilation of zombie carols ever made.

Place your order in the next fifteen minutes, and we'll throw in the album Purim of the Vampires, a $42 value, absolutely free!

Order yours today! Operators are standing by.


* Plus $19.95 for shivving and man-handling.

Oh. Em. Gee.

Onerous ocelots! Only one more week to enter my From A to Z Contest for your chance at over $100 in prizes!

Throughout history, teenagers have always seemed to speak a different language than everyone else. A young Julius Caesar uttered upon witnessing his first political debate, "Veni, vidi, stoliiiiidus est."¹ Mozart called one of his early symphonies "Shiznit No. 19 in Da Bomb Major." But only recently have they developed their own written language: texting.

Some of the lingo has been around a while, so even some of us older folk may be able to decipher this jumble of letters: omg! roflmao! ftw imho (lol).²

But as the texting language continues to evolve, we're bound to be left behind. To help you out, here are some of the newer phrases, so you'll be able to spy on your children understand a text from one of your younger relatives:

yklw	you know, like, whatever
tgiso	that guy is so old
homdyamatadta	hold on, my dad's yelling at me about texting at the dinner table again
dbahb	don't be a hater, bitch
rofbabz	rolling on the floor, being attacked by zombies
icftwaap	I completely forgot this was also a phone
nnjsio	not now, Jersey Shore is on
pitjtocuhfmctafep	personally, I think Jung's theory of collective unconsciousness has far more credence than anything Freud ever postulated
jaborl	just a bunch of random letters

I hope these r useful 4 u. I'd h8 it if u found them 2 b a waste of ur time.

Crap! I think I've become infected. FML!<sup>3


1</sup> "I came, I saw, it was sooo boooooring."
² Orange marmalade, grandma! Royal orderlies found lemons, mangos, and oranges! Forget the watermelon; I must have oranges (luscious oranges, luscious).
³ Find me leeches!

This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, hosted by Karen Gowen and seven others. Go check out the other participants!

Christmas Carols for the Zombie Apocalypse

Just in time for the holidays — and the imminent zombie threat — we have a brand new album for you, from Flaming Wheel Records.

Complete with 48 of the world's most popular apocalyptic seasonal hits, this 4-CD box set has updated versions of all your old favorites, including...

Oh, the devils outside are frightful, But on fire, they're so delightful. And since we've no place to go, Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan!	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Chester roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping off your nose. You'll find Carol being sucked by Claire, And folks in pies of Eskimo.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Silent night, holy Christ! Here they come! This ain't right! Round yon corner, mother and child Shamble toward us bloody and wild. Death would be a relief. Death would be a relief.	(listen to mp3 preview)

Of course no doomsday collection would be complete without these beloved numbers:

Hark! the herald angels sing, "Blast the head off that damn thing!" Please unearth us some more food. God! us sinners are all screwed.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
I'm dreaming of a red Christmas, Unlike the ones we used to know. Where bodies glisten, And we all listen, For sounds of movement down below.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Have yourself a very brittle Christmas As your limbs decay. From now on, Your arms will both be miles away.	(listen to mp3 preview)

And who can forget these timeless classics?

Come and hold me, pa rum pa pum pum. An awful thing to see, pa rum pa pum pum. Our finest are dying, pa rum pa pum pum. Then re-animating, pa rum pa pum pum, Rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
On the fifth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me: Five cold dead things! Four mauling hordes, Three strange men, Two useless guns, And a car for which I have no key.	(listen to mp3 preview)

And many more!

Face down the zombie hordes with a song! For only 24 monthly installments of $9.99,* you can own A Zombie Christmas, the greatest compilation of zombie carols ever made.

Place your order in the next fifteen minutes, and we'll throw in the album Purim of the Vampires, a $42 value, absolutely free!

Order yours today! Operators are standing by.


* Plus $19.95 for shivving and man-handling.

Attack of the Zombie Aliens!

Last night, for my brother's birthday, we went to see the movie Skyline. From both the previews and the reviews, I was well aware of what to expect: a film with some quality special effects, but little else of value. Knowing this, I decided I'd watch the film with a critical eye, to see what I'd have done differently had I written the script.

First off, I'd have written a script.

Not only is the dialogue poor and the action predictable, but the film feels like it was written by a couple of visual effects guys.¹ Some of its other problems:

• It begins with a little teaser scene, then jumps back 15 hours to introduce the characters (three of whom are visual effects guys!). Attention, movie people: If you want to start with the action, then stick with it and develop the characters as you go. If you want to build up to the action by setting the scene and developing the characters, do that instead. You can't start with the action, then build up to the same action. Lose the frakkin' preface.
   
• It's a horror film, so as you'd expect, characters don't act like normal people. "Ooh, let's wait half an hour after the first attack to turn on the news and get more details!" "Ooh, let's all take the elevator when we try to escape from the building!"²
   
• Even if you ignore the illogical logistics of the alien invasion (How'd they sneak up on Earth? How'd they know before they arrived they wanted our braaaaains?), when you find out their sole motivation (they want us for our braaaaains), it still makes absolutely no sense. The aliens looked good, though.
   
• Along with the usual tension created by characters having conflicting plans for survival, the writers also introduced extra tension between characters (based on relationship issues) for seemingly no other reason than it's what they'd been told they should do in their screenwriting class.
   
• You're given practically no reason to care about any of the characters, unless it's because you've enjoyed watching them in shows such as Scrubs (Donald Faison), Dexter (David Zayas), 24 (Eric Balfour), NCIS (Scottie Thompson), or Sweet Valley High (Brittany Daniel).
   
• And lastly, the reason we get to watch the invasion unfold from the perspective of these characters is not readily apparent until the very end of the film. I'll give you a hint: It's not because they happen to be filming it (a la Cloverfield) or because they're the ones who figure out how to kill off the aliens (a la Independence Day, Mars Attacks!). I could say more, but I don't want to ruin the ending for you.³

So, yeah, what would I have done differently? Well, I'd have rewritten the thing from scratch to fix all those points I just mentioned.

And then maybe — just maybe — I'd have added a plot.


¹ It was.
² Spoiler alert: Nothing happens in the elevator.
³ I'll let the ending do that.

5 Top 5s for 5/5 (Film Edition)

Last year, after I posted 10 Top 10s for 10/10 to critical yet fictional acclaim, I got to thinking. Lists of 10 are good and all, I thought, but 5 is a nice round number, too.¹ How about I do another set of lists in May, only without putting in nearly as much effort?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I have done. Behold: Five brand-spanking new Top 5s, for your reading pleasure.²

[+] Show/Hide All

Top 5 Time Travel Films

There are two main types of time travel movies: Those in which you can change the past; and those in which you can’t. As you may be able to tell from the list below, I tend to favor the latter approach.

1. 12 Monkeys (1995)
   Some people may prefer the film it was based on, La Jetée (1962), but since I’ve never seen it, I can only say this: they’re wrong.
2. Back to the Future (1985)
   1.21 gigawatts of excitement!
3. Los Cronocrímines (2007)
   A Spanish film with a cast of 5 and the same 1-hour span repeated over and over. Certainly better than its translated-into-English title of Time Crimes would have you believe.
4. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1995)
   I haven’t seen this in ages, so the special effects may no longer be able to hold a candle to those in today’s films, but who needs candles when you’re from the future?
5. Primer (2004)
   A holy mindfuck of a movie. People have mapped out the 9 parallel timelines, but I still feel this one is the most accurate.

If you don’t agree with my choices, travel back in time and force me to change them. If you do agree with my choices, maybe you’ve already done that...

Top 5 Zombie Films

1. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
   Bloody brilliant.
2. 28 Days Later... (2002)
   Technically, this isn’t a zombie movie, since technically, they’re not zombies. But it’s my list, and I don’t care.
3. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
   Yes, the remake of a sequel beats out Romero’s original. So sue me. (On second thought, don’t.)
4. Zombieland (2009)
   Killer intro sequence.
5. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
   Nothing beats a classic. Except four films from the past eight years...

Top 5 Film References on This Blog (So Far)

1. Footnote #1 in Paging Doctor Acula — (Let the Right One In)
   Combined with a crack at Twilight? Bonus.
2. All of Doing Religious Right — (The Evil Dead trilogy)
3. Last line/footnote #3 of And Then She Said Those Three Little Words... — (Real Genius)
4. The last line of Give That Man a Medal — (The Hudsucker Proxy)
5. Paul Giamatti impersonators in Day Twelve — (Big Fat Liar)

Top 5 Three-Named Modern Film Stars

As the all-powerful list czar, I decree that hyphenated names are acceptable, but names with little bits like “van” and “del” (which basically translate to “of”) are ineligible.³ Each actor is listed with three of his/her finest roles.

1. Daniel Day-Lewis
   My Left Foot (1989), Gangs of New York (2002), There Will Be Blood (2007)
2. Philip Seymour Hoffman
   Synechdoche, New York (2008), Charlie Wilson’s War (2007), Flawless (1999)
3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
   Brick (2005), Mysterious Skin (2004), The Lookout (2007)
4. Tommy Lee Jones
   The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005), In the Valley of Elah (2007), JFK (1991)
5. Helena Bonham Carter
   Fight Club (1999), The Wings of the Dove (1997), Conversations with Other Women (2005)

If you were expecting to see Neil Patrick Harris on this list, I’m sorry, but as awesome as he is, Starship Troopers, two Harold & Kumars, and an Undercover Brother do not a film star make.

Top 5 Ill-Fated Films of All Time

1. A 2007 remake of Casablanca with an all-penguin cast
   What happened: The director was trying to feed off penguins’ recent rise in popularity, but test audiences didn’t buy the relationship between Rick and Ilsa. Also, the penguin actors kept mysteriously disappearing one by one; only after production ceased did they discover that the penguin playing Sam was, in fact, a polar bear.
   
   
2. The Bible: A Jerry Bruckheimer Production
   What happened: With Charlton Heston reprising his role as Moses, and Michael Bay directing, this eight-hour epic was well on its way to becoming the most exciting, expensive, explosive, and excessive rendition of the good book ever... until one fateful day in June 2007, when the entire cast of thousands was eaten by a swarm of locusts.
   
   
3. Scabies!
   What happened: This 1998 dramatization of the 1880s scabies outbreak had myriad troubles right from the start. Jude Law arrived on set every morning too doped up on horse tranquilizers to deliver his lines. Dame Judi Dench complained incessantly about the foam rubber scabie suit, saying it made her look like a giant lobster and was pretty sure it had actually given her scabies. Two weeks into shooting, Sir Ian McKellen was caught in a hotel room with three prostitutes, two nuclear warheads, and an expired jar of mayonnaise. When Marlee Matlin was found taking a flamethrower to the set for the second time in as many days, the producers pulled all funding.
   
   
4. A 1960 remake of Citizen Kane, with Marlon Brando as Charles Foster Kane and Marilyn Monroe as Rosebud
   What happened: Monroe’s contract stipulated that she appear in every scene, which kind of gave away the mystery right from scene one. And an irate Orson Welles showed up on set on numerous occasions, threatening the cast with a knife and asking, “Are you pondering what I’m pondering?” But the main culprit was a typo in the script: they had to scrap the entire film when it turned out that Kane was not supposed to be a newspaper magnet.
   
   
5. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
   What happened: It got made into a movie.

¹ Well, except for those two pointy bits.
² Spanking not included.
³ “Ivory” is also out.

Ninja Haiku Contest!

**The contest has ended** (view the winners)

Announcing The Wheel’s 1st Annual Haiku Contest!

This year’s theme: Ninjas.

Haiku are Japanese poetry. Ninjas are Japanese mercenaries. Yet ninjas are grossly under-represented in haiku while zombies (American), vampires (Transylvanian), and werewolves (in London) get immortalized in verse. It’s just not right.

Well, no more. It’s time for ninjas to get their day in the sun (whilst remaining in the shadows).

So, write your own ninja haiku in the comments for this blog post. Two lucky winners will receive a free dinner at the Japanese restaurant of their choice!

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

The deadline to submit a haiku is Friday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Please review the official rules below before entering.

Good luck!


Official Rules:

1. To enter, post a ninja-related haiku in the comment section below. Include your name with each entry. If you don’t include your name, I’ll assume you’re a ninja and will run and hide rather consider your poem for a prize.
2. Multiple submissions are allowed.
3. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, you bring shame upon yourself and every math teacher who ever taught you.
4. Entries must be in English. (Translation: Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku. Since I won’t be able to understand your entry, you will finish in dead last. Because a ninja will kill you.)
5. The contest is open until Friday, May 7, 2010 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you try to sneak an entry in after the deadline, I’ll assume you’re a ninja and that your entry is either poisoned or rigged to explode. Consequently, I will avoid your poem and you will not win.
6. There is no rule 6.
7. Prizes will be awarded in each of two categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional.
• Two (2) first place winners will receive: a free dinner at the Japanese restaurant of their choice, up to a value of... let’s say $25 or so. It is assumed that I will join you for this dinner. However, if you: a) don’t live anywhere near Connecticut, b) don’t actually know me, or c) can’t get within 500 yards of me due to that restraining order, this clause can be waived and we’ll work something out.
• An undetermined number of Honorable Mentions will receive: bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. They may also receive something like chopsticks or origami or Beverly Hills Ninja on VHS, though I haven’t made up my mind about that yet.
• All non-winners receive: dishonor, and are expected to commit ritual seppuku at their earliest convenience.
8. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria that I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances unless bribery is involved.
9. No people were harmed in the creation of this contest... yet.

Five Answers with High-Fivin’ Fillion

Last week, much as I predicted he would, Gabe posted the other half of our interview swap. Foolish mortal! By doing so, he has unknowingly set events in motion that will eventually make me Supreme Overlord of the entire human race.¹ But that’s far, far in the future. For now, all it means is that my suave and sophisticated answers to his five diabolically clever questions are now available for public consumption.²

So, if you want to know such things as...

• my weapons of choice in the coming zombie apocalypse,
• the largest amount of money I’ve ever stupidly put on a horse, or
• how many licks it takes me to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop

...then you’ll just have to ask me yourself. Those weren’t Gabe’s questions at all. His were better.

If you haven’t done so already, check ‘em out.


¹ It’s not as great as it sounds. Basically, I’ll get to lord over the Supremes.
² The management is not responsible for any actual consumption (i.e. pulmonary tuberculosis) caused by the actual consumption of said questions and answers.