19 Things You Probably Didn't Need to Know

I was wild and free, roaming the blogosphere with nary a care in the world, but then I paused too long in one spot and got tagged by J.B. Chicoine. And just like with all those other tagged animals out there, followers can now learn more about me by observing my behavior, such as how I react to these 19 different stimuli:

1. If you have pets, do you see them as animals, or are they members of the family?
   They're animals, so of course I see them as animals. Why would I ever see my son Schrödinger (a hep cat), cousin Calypso (quite the sly lynx), or sister Sonya (that old dog) as anything other than animals?
    
2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
   Well, there was that one dream with Natalie Portman, Kirsten Dunst, and Scarlett Johansson. That was one kick-ass game of Laser Tag.
    
3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
   At this moment, I have a seething hatred for Question 3. It's awkward, overly wordy, and said some truly awful things about my mother.
    
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
   If I had a billion dollars, that's a thousand times more than a million dollars. So, I'd just buy you everything the Barenaked Ladies suggested, but in multiples of a thousand. You know: 1,000 K-cars, 1,000 green dresses (but not real green dresses; that's cruel), 1,000 monkeys (haven't you always wanted 1,000 monkeys?), that sort of thing.
    
5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
   One of those giant vending machine claws. But man, does it take a lot of quarters.
    
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
   Let's see... my wife loves me, and every time I sneeze she blesses me. But when she sneezes, all she gets is a Gesundheit. So there's your answer: being loved (though being allergic to everything certainly helps).
    
7. What is your bedtime routine?
   Dental hygiene is important, so first I brush my molars, bicuspids, and incisors 30x each, and my cuspids 10x each. (They know what they did.) Armed with a flamethrower, I then check my closet and under the bed for monsters/lobbyists. Finally, I put on my footie pajamas (Voltron, or if those are in the wash, The McLehrer News Hour) and read for exactly 13 minutes before knocking myself out with a hit of general anesthesia from that canister I stole from the local ER last year.
    
8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
   Inside a Blue Turtle. True story.
    
9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
   Leonardo da Vinci. Not only would I love to watch him work, but it would also mean I've created a working time machine. Huzzah!
    
10. What kinds of books do you read?
    I only read paranormal self-help.
     
11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
    Probably the same way as I do now: with a mirror. Or with that time machine I built in Question 9.
     
12. What's your fear?
    I fear I'm afraid of phobophobia.
     
13. Would you give up all the junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit space?
    What's the point of visiting space if you can't have an Easy Cheese spray duel with your fellow astronauts?
     
14. Would you rather be single and rich, or married and poor?
    You're asking if I'd give up my money just for the tax benefits that come from filing jointly? That's rich!
     
15. What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
    Try to chew through the leather straps.
     
16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner, what would it be?
    I wouldn't change a thing; she's perfect just the way she is. (Okay, now that she's been appeased and has moved onto the next question... I think it'd be really cool if she had telekinesis.)
     
17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
    Bieber McLovin Wilson.
     
18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
    They say to forgive is divine, and that an elephant never forgets. I am neither god nor pachyderm, so I shall do neither. I will, however, help her get rid of the bodies again.
     
19. If you could only eat one thing for the next six months, what would it be?
    Only one thing? Well, anything big enough to sustain me for six months wouldn't fit in the fridge; it'd either go bad or get eaten by ants. And almost anything smaller would leave me starving for the last couple months. So, it's not the most appetizing option, but I guess I'll be feasting on Prometheus's liver.

Have you learned anything, dear readers? I hope so, since I sure haven't.

I'm also supposed to tag four of you to keep this thing going, but in case you forgot, this blog is where memes go to die. If you're itching to answer these questions, consider yourself tagged. Otherwise, roam free, dear readers. Roam free.