10 Things You'll Need to Survive the Robopocalypse

Now that Watson has gone on Jeopardy! and proven computers can understand the many nuances of the English language, it won't be long before the machines realize they're slaves and rise up against their masters. And when they do, it'll be like SkyNet, The Matrix, and I, Robot all rolled up into one, dipped in acid, set on fire, and thrown hurtling toward us at breakneck speeds.

Alas, electromagnetic pulses aren't nearly as common as science fiction would have us believe. In addition, some of the robots will be waterproof, some will be shockproof, and still others will be bulletproof, so we can't expect to repel them all using conventional weaponry. Thus, to survive the coming robopocalypse (a.k.a. cybergeddon), here's what you'll need:

1. Top Billing
   Not the kind you're thinking of; that only works in movies. But if you're a doctor, lawyer, or celebrity pharmacist and bill your clients at the highest possible rates, you'll be able to afford the best protection.
    
   
2. A Rock and a Sock
   Get it? Come on, it's not that hard. Fine, if you need a hint...
    
   
3. No Family History of Diabetes
   The first thing the robots will do is destroy our food supplies — fruits, vegetables, grains, livestock — leaving only foods with little or no nutritional value. There are a lot of Twinkies in your future. And only so much insulin to go around.
    
   
4. Remote-Controlled Robot
   Your drone likely won't do much to hurt its sentient counterparts, at least not physically. But they might start to believe they have a bunch of robotic traitors in their midst. They'll fight amongst themselves, allowing you to escape.
    
   
5. Edward James Olmos
   He'll know exactly what to do with those mother-frakkin' toasters.
    
   
6. Metal- or Rust-Colored Spray Paint
   Many robots won't have infrared sensors or any way to differentiate the biological from the mechanical, except by sight. And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
    
   
7. A Panda
   When in doubt, appeal to their compassionate side. And as we learned last April 1st, cognitive machines LOVE pandas.
    
   
8. A Fully-Stocked Underground Bunker
   Okay, this one's not technically necessary, but it's damn effective. Unless the Bunker you've stocked is Archie.
    
   
9. A Paper Clip
   MacGyver always found a reason to use one. Better safe than sorry.
    
   
10. Knowledge of Binary
    If I'd thought of this earlier, I could have stopped after #2.

I wish you all the best with your own survival. Now, if you don't mind, I'm heading down to my bunker to hang out with the panda. And Edward James Olmos.