The Velocirapture Is Upon Us!

The world ends today. That's what people say. Yet no one's told us how it's going to end. Until now, that is.

Get indoors while you still can, and hold your loved ones close. It's the velocirapture!

But it's not the one you think. You probably assume I'm talking about ravenous dinosaurs tearing the world's population to pieces. Uhhhh, nope. There's no way that could happen in one day. Think about it: If there were enough cretaceous creatures to do that, don't you think some of them would have made the news by now?

No, the velocirapture isn't about raptors. It's about velocity.

You probably haven't noticed any difference yet, but the Earth has already started to rotate a little faster on its axis. Throughout the day, its speed will increase exponentially until life on the planet has been all but eradicated.

You'll soon notice the winds start to pick up, all from the east. Gale-strength winds, followed by hurricane-strength, and building from there. The sun will appear to slide across the sky. It'll set very early, then rise and set again in quicker and quicker succession.

And at first it'll be just that: people and things being blown around and knocked over by strong winds. The oceans will begin to flood islands and east coast towns. But eventually the centrifugal force will overcome the force of gravity, and believers and non-believers alike will be cast into the heavens. Those lucky souls who are inside will be cast into ceilings instead, but their survival will be short-lived. As the Earth's velocity increases, the buildings themselves will be ripped from the ground and hurled into the deep recesses of space. The oceans and much of the ground will soon follow. By the morning of December 22, there will be little left of Earth but a spinning molten core.

What Have I Done to Prepare for My Survival?
Nothing. I'm just as screwed as the rest of you. The only six people to survive will be the ones already in space, unless they are inadvertently hit by hurtling apocalyptic debris. And unless one of them learns to grow ovaries, we as a race are doomed.

But look at the bright side. At least it's Friday.



This post was written for the Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest, hosted by Chuck at Apocalypse Now and Shannon of The Warrior Muse. Go now — and I mean now, because the world is ending, people! — and check out all the other apocalypses.

10 Things You'll Need to Survive the Robopocalypse

Now that Watson has gone on Jeopardy! and proven computers can understand the many nuances of the English language, it won't be long before the machines realize they're slaves and rise up against their masters. And when they do, it'll be like SkyNet, The Matrix, and I, Robot all rolled up into one, dipped in acid, set on fire, and thrown hurtling toward us at breakneck speeds.

Alas, electromagnetic pulses aren't nearly as common as science fiction would have us believe. In addition, some of the robots will be waterproof, some will be shockproof, and still others will be bulletproof, so we can't expect to repel them all using conventional weaponry. Thus, to survive the coming robopocalypse (a.k.a. cybergeddon), here's what you'll need:

1. Top Billing
   Not the kind you're thinking of; that only works in movies. But if you're a doctor, lawyer, or celebrity pharmacist and bill your clients at the highest possible rates, you'll be able to afford the best protection.
    
   
2. A Rock and a Sock
   Get it? Come on, it's not that hard. Fine, if you need a hint...
    
   
3. No Family History of Diabetes
   The first thing the robots will do is destroy our food supplies — fruits, vegetables, grains, livestock — leaving only foods with little or no nutritional value. There are a lot of Twinkies in your future. And only so much insulin to go around.
    
   
4. Remote-Controlled Robot
   Your drone likely won't do much to hurt its sentient counterparts, at least not physically. But they might start to believe they have a bunch of robotic traitors in their midst. They'll fight amongst themselves, allowing you to escape.
    
   
5. Edward James Olmos
   He'll know exactly what to do with those mother-frakkin' toasters.
    
   
6. Metal- or Rust-Colored Spray Paint
   Many robots won't have infrared sensors or any way to differentiate the biological from the mechanical, except by sight. And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
    
   
7. A Panda
   When in doubt, appeal to their compassionate side. And as we learned last April 1st, cognitive machines LOVE pandas.
    
   
8. A Fully-Stocked Underground Bunker
   Okay, this one's not technically necessary, but it's damn effective. Unless the Bunker you've stocked is Archie.
    
   
9. A Paper Clip
   MacGyver always found a reason to use one. Better safe than sorry.
    
   
10. Knowledge of Binary
    If I'd thought of this earlier, I could have stopped after #2.

I wish you all the best with your own survival. Now, if you don't mind, I'm heading down to my bunker to hang out with the panda. And Edward James Olmos.

Christmas Carols for the Zombie Apocalypse

Just in time for the holidays — and the imminent zombie threat — we have a brand new album for you, from Flaming Wheel Records.

Complete with 48 of the world's most popular apocalyptic seasonal hits, this 4-CD box set has updated versions of all your old favorites, including...

Oh, the devils outside are frightful, But on fire, they're so delightful. And since we've no place to go, Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan! Let 'em groan!	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Chester roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping off your nose. You'll find Carol being sucked by Claire, And folks in pies of Eskimo.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Silent night, holy Christ! Here they come! This ain't right! Round yon corner, mother and child Shamble toward us bloody and wild. Death would be a relief. Death would be a relief.	(listen to mp3 preview)

Of course no doomsday collection would be complete without these beloved numbers:

Hark! the herald angels sing, "Blast the head off that damn thing!" Please unearth us some more food. God! us sinners are all screwed.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
I'm dreaming of a red Christmas, Unlike the ones we used to know. Where bodies glisten, And we all listen, For sounds of movement down below.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Have yourself a very brittle Christmas As your limbs decay. From now on, Your arms will both be miles away.	(listen to mp3 preview)

And who can forget these timeless classics?

Come and hold me, pa rum pa pum pum. An awful thing to see, pa rum pa pum pum. Our finest are dying, pa rum pa pum pum. Then re-animating, pa rum pa pum pum, Rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum.	(listen to mp3 preview)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
On the fifth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me: Five cold dead things! Four mauling hordes, Three strange men, Two useless guns, And a car for which I have no key.	(listen to mp3 preview)

And many more!

Face down the zombie hordes with a song! For only 24 monthly installments of $9.99,* you can own A Zombie Christmas, the greatest compilation of zombie carols ever made.

Place your order in the next fifteen minutes, and we'll throw in the album Purim of the Vampires, a $42 value, absolutely free!

Order yours today! Operators are standing by.


* Plus $19.95 for shivving and man-handling.