Writing Advice for the Easily Distracted

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but some poor, misguided spambot (Updated, 1/25: turns out it wasn't a bot at all; my apologies, Brittany) has nominated me for a Top Writing Blog Award at eCollegeFinder. I don't have all the details yet, but I thought I'd serve up some actual writing advice before they start the selection process. You know, so it looks like I know what I'm doing.

We live in a short-attention span society, so I won't bore you by droning on and on about my tips and techniques and proper grammar. I can bore you just as easily by condensing my advice into bite-sized nuggets:

1. I can tell you how to finish your book in one word: time management.¹
    
2. Don't use amateurnouns. Your readers will notice.
    
3. After spicing up your novel a bit by mixing in metaphors, set it aside for a while so the plot may thicken.
    
4. Omit words.²
    
5. When writing non-fiction, be vicious with your punctuation:
   
   • Cut long passages down to size by using bullets.
   • To get rid of extraneous content, drop it with a dagger.†
   • In order to fit a bunch of people into a smaller space, slash them repeatedly.
     (e.g. Axl/Izzy/Duff/Steven)
    
6. To ensure your prose is flawless, always use the perfect tense.
    
7. No matter how wonderful a passage or phrase sounds, it's worthless if it doesn't advance the story. As Sir Arthur Quiller-Coach said, "Murder your Darlings. Especially if you're J.M. Barrie, because then you have a Peter Pan Murder Mystery on your hands."
    
8. Writers, take proper care of your colons: Otherwise, all that follows will be a painful mess.
    
9. Even if you do your writing on a computer, you need your BIC PEN. (Butt In Chair, Persistently Evading the 'Net)
    
10. Use short sentences for action scenes. It moves the narrative along.
    Use long sentences for flowery prose, 20-page research papers, lists of moderate to great length, and convicted murderers.
     
11. Sentence fragments. Useful in moderation. Really.
     
12. And I'll end with a few examples of properly used punctuation:
    
    • Why would you ask me? (Question Mark)
    • She won't say why she's so moody. (Period)
    • Don't interrupt me. Anyway, I've got to— (Dash)

That'll do it for now. And remember: Writing is a journey. Don't stop believing.


¹ And as that statement proves, reading and writing are essential to your success, but arithmetic is not.
² The original advice from Strunk and White's Elements of Style was "Omit needless words." I thought needless unnecessary.
† What did I tell you? This content isn't useful at all.