And That's When My 6-Month-Old Made Out with a College Girl

On Friday, my son (codename: The Professor) turned six months old. I find it hard to believe he's already that old, yet simultaneously, I feel he's been with us forever. I'm constantly in awe of him (and vice versa). And so far, he's hit every major milestone the baby books told us to look for:

Month 1: The Bloodening
Not long after we determined he wasn't a vampire, it happened. One moment, he was a perfectly happy baby. The next moment, he turned his head and spit up blood. The moment after that, he was a perfectly happy baby (with perfectly distraught parents). We rushed him to the doctor's office, where they performed a battery of tests (battery not included), and determined he was, in fact, a perfectly healthy baby. To this day, our best guess is he is actually a vampire had a baby nosebleed combined with baby post-nasal drip.

Month 2: Olympic Crib Swimming
When we lay my son down on his back in the crib, he'd scoot off head-first toward the opposite end, then turn around and head back to start another lap. He's the current world record holder in the 10-meter backstroke.¹

Month 3: Swapping Spit
He was soaring overhead, and inadvertently drooled into my open mouth. At least, I think it was inadvertent. You never know with The Professor; he has a few Trix up his sleeve.

Month 4: Faster Than the Speed of Light
They say pictures are worth 1,000 words. Well the one to the left is worth 300,000,000 m/s.

Month 5: The Vulcan Neck Pinch
I must say, for a child with such small fingers, he sure has a firm grip. And though I technically don't pass out when he pinches my neck, I do feel rather sleepy.

Month 6: Swapping Spit (Advanced)
Six days before he turned six months old, The Professor did something I was never able to do: He made out with a college girl on New Year's Eve.²

From the moment we got to the party, she was ogling him. You could tell she wanted to hold him close. He played it cool for a little while. He smiled and laughed, and ran her hair between his fingers. Then he opened his mouth and lunged.

The girl's boyfriend tried to get him to back off, offering advice such as "Don't lead with your tongue," but it was as if my son didn't understand him. For a good five minutes, he dive-bombed her chin and cheek. She couldn't get enough of him.

So far, so good. We're looking forward to the rest of his first year, and the many milestones to come.

¹ He's also fond of the breast stroke, though he sucks at the butterfly (it's made of plastic) and has yet to master the crawl.
² No, you don't get to see a picture. Not unless you pay $19.95 to subscribe to my blog's premium content (and then build me a time machine so I can go back to New Year's with a camera).