Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Monday, September 12, 2016

Pictures Or It Didn't Happen

That used to be a thing. Someone would share something they did or witnessed, and then someone else would say, "Pictures or it didn't happen." Basically, calling the story-teller out as a liar. It was a dick move.

Since I don't have photos to illustrate any of this, here's a bunch of stuff that didn't happen over the past couple months. You know, if you're a dick.
  • I ordered a small dish of ice cream for myself for the first time ever.1
  • My son learned how to play checkers, chess, Stratego, Sorry!, Catan Junior, and Battleship. He's 5, so he doesn't yet understand the strategy for the first three games, but if you're playing him in any of the others, watch out.2
  • The imaginary superhero my son named after himself and told stories about for over a year was killed off by his new imaginary superhero.
  • My brother-in-law wore a dress on stage. Again. (He's not an actor, a cross-dresser, or transgender. He's just a guy who is far too willing to follow scripts I write.)
  • A squirrel drowned in our pool. It's a small inflatable pool, and the squirrel should have easily stood on its hind paws and clawed its way out. Since it didn't, this was obviously a hit by the Squirrel Mafia.
  • My son and nephew gained new amazing abilities. They could see a road from the top of a mountain using their far-away vision, the backside of a building from the front using their see-everything vision, and who was behind a door using their x-ray vision. Denise had to keep telling them to stop using that last one in the restrooms.
  • On my birthday, I took the day off from work for the first time in ten years. I didn't replace a toilet ring like last year's birthday, but I thought about it.
  • I replaced a toilet ring.3
  • Over the span of one month, we found 3-4 dozen dead bees in our sunroom (and a few in our kitchen). They each succumbed in a different spot, showed no signs of cat attack, and only twice did we see one alive. These were obviously hits by the Squirrel Mafia.4
  • Oh yeah, and I took a bunch of pictures.

1 In my defense, the shop's "small" is larger than most places' larges. Their "large" can feed a family of 4 for a week. (Yeah, I still regret not going with the large.)
2 Especially in Battleship. He cheats.
3 Also its innards. Or, if you'd prefer, the toilet's reproductive organs. (Because, you know, those parts are how it reproduces the same flush every time.)
4 Don't even try to say it was the Bee Mafia. Everyone knows there's no such thing. Here in New England, the WASPs have the power.


  1. "Here in New England, the WASPs have the power." <---Oh, this made me laugh so hard. (Not that the rest of your post didn't.)

    I played Monopoly with my niece a few years back, and it became a game of who could cheat more effectively. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed that it wasn't me...

    1. Proud, definitely. It's always wonderful when a kid surpasses you thanks to your influence. (Although if it was her parents' influence that propelled her into her cheating ways, and not yours... for shame.)

  2. Your son is hard on superheroes.
    I've replaced toilet innards before. I was rather proud of myself. Tim the Tool Man I'm not.

    1. Well, the villains have always been his favorite. Which, in retrospect, may have influenced his created heroes' morality.

      And clearly, you're not Tim the Tool Man, because you got the toilet fixed. He would have destroyed it, and half the house in the process.

  3. It could have been a squirrel attempting to glide. If it REALLY wanted to be a flying squirrel, maybe it jumped and just hit the water too hard. It can be like cement if you fall from a high enough distance (relative to size, obviously).

    Once your son masters Sorry, look into a game called Dog. It's like Sorry except rather than using dice, you draw cards and use the numbers on them to move.

    Also, if the bees saw the video on how to use a plastic bag to scare away wasps, this could be the first deaths in a much larger conflict. You might want to contact your larger FBeeI office.

    1. Thanks for the game recommendation. (Though your knowledge of Sorry is lacking... it does use cards. I'd forgotten that myself until last month.)

      And I already contacted the Beeureau, but they blatantly ignored my complaint. It stung.

  4. I'm pretty sure that there are photos of item four. But I still maintain that it didn't happen...

    1. I never said there weren't photos. Only that I didn't have any myself. I couldn't see anything from behind that mask.