Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Putting One Footnote in Front of the Other

Once upon a time,1 there was2 a blogger3 who had been neglecting his readers.4 In a misguided attempt5 to appease them, he decided to jam-pack6 an entire month's supply of footnotes7 into a single post8 in order to stave off possible wheelfiritis.9 There were no known survivors.10

1 Wow, did I really open with such a cliché? I might as well be starting a movie preview with "In a world where...", beginning a joke with "A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar..." or walking into a bar and saying "So, do you come here often?" This lack of originality doesn't bode well for the rest of the post.
2 Well, at least it's not "in a land far, far away," but "there was" connotes telling rather than showing, and as a writer it's usually better to do the latter. I mean, which do you prefer: "Joe was tall" or "Joe smacked his forehead on the door frame as he followed me in. 'Fuck!' he said. 'That's the third time this week.'" The second one, right? Of course. People adore violence and profanity.
3 I'm not naming names; I ain't no rat. According to the horoscope, I'm a lion. According to the Chinese horoscope, I'm a horse. According to the Chinese fluoroscope, I'm a pig, and should lower my cholesterol.
4 All of whom are svelte, alarmingly intelligent people, with the exception of Francois T. Parfait of Austin, TX, who is, in fact, a monkey.
5 The only kind of attempt I ever attempt.
6 Twice as effective as jamming or packing. Three times as effective as pam-jacking.
7 I get them wholesale. The quality sometimes suffers, but I Kant campaign aboot the Pryce.
8 Single post with offbeat sense of humor seeks same. Enjoys reading, surfing, and traveling to other countries in the blink of an eye. Allergic to cookies and LOLCats.
9 Previously known as acute footnote withdrawal. Additional symptoms include: pink eye, yellow fever, blue blood, purple heart, brown coat, white knuckles, red balloons, and green clover.
10 Although the dead are now risin' up, back on the street.


  1. are they any known cures for wheelfiritis once it sets in?

  2. Wheelfiritis sounds like the lucky charms of the apocalypse!

  3. Bryan, will do. I'll have my blog post send along all its uneaten internet cookies.

    Jessica & Liz, thanks! I'm always happy to provoke laughter so contagious it ends up typed.

    Sarah: Footnotes, lots of them. Taken intravenously.

    Scott, "lucky charms of the apocalypse" is redundant. The path to hell is paved with brightly colored marshmallows.

  4. What was that thing in the middle, again?

  5. Actually, Alex, it's a tie.

    JB: What thing? What middle? If you mean those Flickr photos over on the right, that's not a thing; it's a baby.

  6. Okay, those babies are in the middle (and pretty cute too--except those old guys, [but they are kinda cute in their own way, I suppose, {I think I need a footnote somewhere in here}]), but I was talking about the other middle, you know, the INBETWEEN stuff...

  7. Sorry, JB, clearly my brain isn't keeping up today. Perhaps I've been drinking. I don't think I have, but that could just be the liquor talking.