In past years, I’ve explained how to talk like a Jewish pirate and taught you how to speak like other traditional pirates (e.g. Pittsburgh, software, of Penzance). But I now realize I’ve been neglecting a large part of the day: the part where it's International.
Sure, I’ve previously included Somali and Caribbean pirates, but that barely gets us started. So here’s a guide on how to talk like some truly international pirates (with stereotypes fully in force):
|Type of Pirate||Sample Phrase(s)|
|French||- Le arrrrrr. |
- Hand over yer—oh, you want our ship? Okay, it’s yours.
|Swedish||Feerst you get a sceeervy sceeervy dog, then add de bork bork bork.|
|Italian||I’m-a gonna make-a you walk-a da plank-a.|
|Mexican||Barges? We don’t need no stinkin’ barges!|
|Swiss||I’m gonna cut you. Then snip you. Then file you, tweeze you, saw you, and corkscrew you. (And then I’ll clock you.)|
|German||Nein, nein, nein! Not pirate! Ich bin ein longshoreman.|
|British||Pardon me, but would you mind terribly handing over your ship and jumping into the ocean? Jolly good!|
|Space||- These are not the booty you are looking for.|
- You can’t take the sky from me. Try, and none in the ‘verse will ever see your gorram face again. We shiny?
|Transylvanian||I vant to sink your boat.|
|Australian||G’day, matey. Shove off, or we’ll throw you little shrimps on the barbie.|
|Chinese||I pirate. I fry prane.1|
|New York||Yo, ho! I’m walkin’ the plank over here!|
|Mordor||Smee(gle)! Kill those lost boys!|
|Russian||We’ll show these capitalist pigdogs. We’ll make ‘em bleed Red!|
|Danish||- To sea, or not to sea—that is the question:|
Whether ‘tis horribler in the mind to suffer
And sling arrows for outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of lubbers,
And by opposing end them?
- Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Just take stuff.
And that ends our lesson for today. May this knowledge serve you well, no matter where in the world your piracy leads you.
1 Like I said: fully in force. But before you get mad at me, remember... me love you long time.