What You're Saying When You Talk Like a Pirate

It's that time again: International Talk Like a Pirate Day! In past years, I've helped you with the how. How to talk like a Jewish pirate, like numerous international pirates, and like assorted other pirates. There's not much more to cover on that front, so this year I'm skipping the how and giving you the what.

When you say the stereotypical pirate phrases, what are you actually saying? The phrases are old, and language gets muddied over time. Meanings get muddled, pronunciation mottled, and things stray a bit from their original intention.

I've done extensive research into pirate historic linguistic patterns (all without leaving my brain) and here's what I've found.

Avast, me hearties!
This is pirates being deep. In essence, it means "the world is a vast place, my friends." And of course, "hearties" comes from the fact that all pirates had those MOM heart tattoos.

Shiver me timbers!
The "er" in shiver is actually a corruption of "arrgh," which pirates were always interjecting into everything. Thus, that leaves us with "shiv" (a makeshift knife) and "me timbers" (my peg leg). It is akin to a challenge to other pirates. As in, "Go ahead, just try to stab my wooden leg."

Ya scurvy dogs!
This one just shows how mumbling and poor grammar can lead to misinterpretation. It's not "ya scurvy" but "you's curvy." And "You's curvy dogs" is roughly comparable to "You're sexy bitches." Just one of the many things a pirate captain would say to try to keep the crew's confidence up on those dreary long voyages at sea.

Walk the plank!
Um... yeah. This one's pretty much what you think.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
An easy one. It's a call to the ship's first mate — on most vessels, the first mate was affectionately referred to as Yolanda, or Yo for short — to bring the captain another delicious Ho Ho and the aforementioned bottle of rum.


And there you have it. Now instead of going around today spouting these sayings in stereotypical fashion, you can sound like you really know what you're talking about.

Yarrrr welcome.

Give Her the Ol' Freudian Slip

I have nothing substantial enough to warrant a full post, but here are some various odds and ends (mostly odds).

~~~~~

Fact #1: The Professor (age: 21 mos.) is a quick study. Repeat something a couple times and he's got it.
Fact #2: I got bored with animal sounds.

Translation: He has no idea what a pirate is, but whenever he hears the word he enthusiastically responds with "Arrrrrrr!" (Also, when Denise warned his daycare teacher of another one he'd learned, this was her reaction: "Ah, that explains nap time yesterday. Everyone else had fallen asleep, but I hear this little voice, and he's there saying 'nombie brains nombie brains nombie brains.'")

~~~~~

In my new office, not far from my desk, there are signs directing people to the "Imagination Conference Room" and the "Possibilities Room." I'd make a wisecrack about having such things in an insurance company, but I'm too busy daydreaming of Epcot.*

* Okay, so I may have also printed out signs to post beside them, pointing to the Conference Room of Tomorrow. I only have so much willpower, people.

~~~~~

Times The Professor has said the following phrases without being prompted:
"I love Mommy" — 0
"I love Daddy" — 0
"I love TRASH!" — 123 (and counting)

~~~~~

Here's a bumper sticker for the psychology major in your life. You're welcome.*

* Note: not an actual bumper sticker. Technically, it's just a jpeg. To make it a bumper sticker you'll need to glue your smartphone to your bumper.

~~~~~

One of my fellow web designers recently received this feedback on a mockup:
Use more color. (Add more "white space," but not white space.)*

* Yeah, I have no idea what it means, either. All I know is she could have avoided the whole situation if she'd only asked for feedback, but not "feedback."

~~~~~

Also, I'm not sure if you'd call this a meme, a parody of a meme, a tasteless pie chart, or just a waste of twelve seconds of your life, but here's another image I created recently:

~~~~~

So, that's what I've been up to. How about you?

Into International Waters

Rejoice, ye filthy bilge rats! For today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

In past years, I’ve explained how to talk like a Jewish pirate and taught you how to speak like other traditional pirates (e.g. Pittsburgh, software, of Penzance). But I now realize I’ve been neglecting a large part of the day: the part where it's International.

Sure, I’ve previously included Somali and Caribbean pirates, but that barely gets us started. So here’s a guide on how to talk like some truly international pirates (with stereotypes fully in force):

Type of Pirate	Sample Phrase(s)
French	- Le arrrrrr. - Hand over yer—oh, you want our ship? Okay, it’s yours.
Canadian	Arrrrrr, eh?
Swedish	Feerst you get a sceeervy sceeervy dog, then add de bork bork bork.
Italian	I’m-a gonna make-a you walk-a da plank-a.
Mexican	Barges? We don’t need no stinkin’ barges!
Swiss	I’m gonna cut you. Then snip you. Then file you, tweeze you, saw you, and corkscrew you. (And then I’ll clock you.)
German	Nein, nein, nein! Not pirate! Ich bin ein longshoreman.
British	Pardon me, but would you mind terribly handing over your ship and jumping into the ocean? Jolly good!
Space	- These are not the booty you are looking for. - You can’t take the sky from me. Try, and none in the ‘verse will ever see your gorram face again. We shiny?
Transylvanian	I vant to sink your boat.
Australian	G’day, matey. Shove off, or we’ll throw you little shrimps on the barbie.
Chinese	I pirate. I fry prane.1
New York	Yo, ho! I’m walkin’ the plank over here!
Mordor	Smee(gle)! Kill those lost boys!
Russian	We’ll show these capitalist pigdogs. We’ll make ‘em bleed Red!
Danish	- To sea, or not to sea—that is the question: Whether ‘tis horribler in the mind to suffer And sling arrows for outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of lubbers, And by opposing end them? - Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Just take stuff.

And that ends our lesson for today. May this knowledge serve you well, no matter where in the world your piracy leads you.


¹ Like I said: fully in force. But before you get mad at me, remember... me love you long time.

Pirate Haiku Contest Winners!

Thank you everyone, for making it so bloody difficult to choose the winners. If you haven't done so already, make sure to check out all the entries.

All of the haiku were fantastic, even if my sister Naomi tried to win with stuff pirated off my Talk Like a Jewish Pirate Day post, and her husband Josh submitted an entry pirated from last year's contest. (At least he admitted it.) Sadly, nobody anonymously entered any spectacular ninja limericks this year, but that may have been because the theme this time around was pirates. Still, 'twas a shame. Yar.

Now, I should point out that there is no method to my madness, and thus, my judging of your entries was both extremely subjective and overly erratic. Thus, if your haiku aren't listed below, it's clearly either because I'm not smart enough to appreciate it properly, or because you never wrote the damn thing.

Baygirl32 especially captured the spirit of the contest with her entry:

Arrg arg aaaarg arg aarrgggh
Aaarg hhharr har aarrggh har rrar har
Yo Ho ho HHo Ho

But it fell just short of honorable mention, getting only a regular old mention instead. These, on the other hand, did one better...

Honorable Mentions

Hannah Kincade said she might or might not have pictures of the following event. Pictures might have sealed the deal...

Swinging from the door
She is naked, knife in hand.
"Yargh! Pirate knife fight!"

The Rare Poet's was one of the rare few to incorporate another form of piracy:

a bootlegged copy
of Jack Sparrow's latest flick.
such sweet irony!

This was Mary R's first haiku ever:

Before Blackbeard's Ghost
I ran around on two legs
Now it's just the peg

Naomi, as she likes to do, presented us with idiots:

Incredibly dumb
Pyromaniac Pirates
sink their own vessel

Budd introduced us to pirate Date Night:

A hook on the hand
A patch on the missing eye
And she's the looker

Laura also found inspiration in piratical romance:

Come buxom wenches
Come fondle my wooden leg
And I'll hook ye good

And the ever-entertaining Chris Phillips carved up a few creative entries, including this'n:

Polly won't shut up
Another cracker you say?
You'll be delicious.

First Place - Traditional

Once again, the Traditional prize proved to be the tougher category, with the majority of the entries straying toward the comical. It was a hard fought battle, but in the end, my brain outsmarted itself and selected this entry by Sarah Ahiers (Falen) for the first $25 prize:

Moonlight brushes sea
Waves capped in silver and gold
Treasure for all men

First Place - Humorous / Creative

And the humorous champion is Joelle, who's always looking for new reasons to be pantsless:

Too many buttons
For me hook-hand to manage.
Naked pirate time.

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everyone who entered!

Falen and Joelle, I've sent you each an Amazon gift card in your email. Please let me know if you haven't received it yet.

Pirate Haiku Contest!

** The contest is now closed. Check out the winners. **

Announcing The Wheel’s 2nd Annual Haiku Contest!

Last year, it was ninja haiku. This year’s theme: Pirates.

It's not difficult:
You just write five syllables,
Then seven, then five.

And you write about pirates. The eye patch-and-parrot types, sure, but also those with illegally obtained music, or any others you might think of. With so many different types of piracy out there, I'm not about to restrict you.

So, write your own pirate haiku in the comments section below. Two lucky winners will receive a treasure chest full of gold doubloons $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etcetera)

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Saturday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Please review the official rules below before entering.

Pirate poetry. Let's make it happen, people. Good luck!

Official Rules:

1. To enter, post pirate-related haiku in the comment section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5), you may begin to get on my nerves, and I'll get our resident witch doctor to curse you. (Oh, the profanity!)
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, I'll know I can't count on you, and both you and your entry will be sent into the briny depths.
3. The contest is open until Saturday, May 7, 2011 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you try to sneak an entry in after the deadline, you will be caught hiding below deck and stranded on a deserted island. Like your carcass, your entries will be picked apart by scavenging birds. They will no longer have enough syllables, and be disqualified.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku. If I can't understand you, obviously you're plotting mutiny against me, and I'm not about to let you steal this contest which I've been captaining for years. You will finish in dead last. Because my first mate will slit your throat.)
5. Anonymous entries will not win. If you try to hide your identity, clearly you're running from something, and I don' t need that sort of trouble. I'll feed you to the sharks. Or to the shrieking eels. Then I'll claim any valuable writing you had on your person as my own.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional.
   
   • Two (2) first place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card for which to purchase booty.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. Also, honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances unless bribery is involved.

The Spot is Marked

Agent XXXXX:
On July XXX 1976, at XXXXX pm, in the tiny
town of XXXXX, Utah, XXXXXX claimed to have
seen old XXXX of the XXXX dock his ship at
the pier, XXXX for XXXX even if Utah is
landlocked. XXX to XXX before unloading
9 trunks of XXXX XXXX which, according to
XXXXXX, they XXXXXX at that precise spot
using metal XXXX XXXX and a XXXXXX crane (a
live one). XXX & XXXX then spotted him, so
they then XXXX his XXXX and forced him to
walk the XXXX. Next XXXX parrots swooped
down and XXX (so he XXXX) which brought
him to XXXXX. Thus we XXXX his mind, so he
would XXXXX be able to XXXX it ever again.
                        XXXXly,
                        XXXXXX

This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, hosted by Talli Roland and seven others. Go check out the other participants!

It's Madness, I Tell You! Madness!

Tonight is the start of March Madness, which, as the name infers, will extend into April. Sixty-eight men's teams vying for college basketball superiority, with the winner probably taking home a trophy of some sort. I really don't know, since I always stop paying attention before the Final Four comes around.

That's not to say I don't enjoy the tournament. I love its first week, with over four dozen hard-fought contests between sometimes-bitter rivals.¹ The rest of the tourney is a scant fifteen games, but that opening weekend is enough to put it in my list of the five best sporting events to watch, along with (in no particular order): the Super Bowl, the World Cup, the Olympics, and the Secret Ninja Olympics.²

I live in CT, in the heart of UConn country.³ I was a huge UConn fan in my youth, but hopped off the bandwagon after high school.⁴ So now, while most of my neighbors and co-workers root for their hometown Huskies, I'll go against the grain and cheer on the underdogs every step of the way.

Or, more likely, the underpirates.⁵

Who are you rooting for this month? Or more importantly, what's your favorite mascot?


¹ That's sometimes-bitter, not sometimes-bitten. This isn't Twilight.
² I'm kidding, of course. There's no such thing as the Secret Ninja Olympics, with events such as Moguls of Death, Steeplechase of Death, and the Extreme Ninja Bake-Off. Really. Pretend I never mentioned it.
³ As opposed to the spleen of the Yukon territory, which never fields much of a team.
⁴ And jumped on the orchestrasnowmobile instead. Nobody blasting their trumpets in my ear on that one.
⁵ For reference, there are 8 dogs compared to 8 birds and 12 cats among the team mascots in this year's tournament. Along with the usual suspects (e.g. 4 tigers, 4 wildcats, 3 bulldogs), we also have pirates, peacocks, zips, zags, spiders, gauchos, monarchs, boilermakers, and two different types of aggie. And, of course, we'll also be graced with the closest thing we have to the Lord of the Rings' ents in the real world: the mighty Sycamores of Indiana State.

Give me an Arrrrr

Yo ho, me hearties! 'Tis a wondrous day! Yet, I am overcome with sadness.

On the one hand, it is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which is always a blast. But on the other hook, a year ago it coincided with Rosh Hashanah, which meant I got to explain how to talk like a Jewish pirate. In comparison, today kind of feels like a letdown.

It doesn't have to be, though. We can liven things up a bit by adding some variety to the proceedings. After all, there are many types of pirates out there.

Let me show you what I mean:

Type of Pirate	Quote
Traditional:	"Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Shape up, or I'll cast ye into the briny depths!"
Music:	"If you don't burn me a copy of the new Skurvy Doggs album, I'll shove you back in Davy Jones' locker!"
Pittsburgh:	"You dogs stunk it up out there tonight! Hit the showers, get outta my sight!"
Software:	"Jeez, the quality's so bad you can barely tell the dog has scurvy! The picture's so washed out!"
Somali (translated):	"Quit trying to kill us like dogs! Either pay the ransom, or we'll send more hostages to a watery grave!"
Radio:	"This'll stop those scurvy dogs in their tracks! More music the establishment doesn't want you to hear. First up: Under the Sea."
Of the Caribbean:	"That scurvy dog's in no shape to sail. I 'spect he's drownin' his sorrows in a bottle o' rum."
Of Penzance:	"So what if you're the model of a modern Major-General? Stop singing or I'll throw you from this very boat quite literal. We'll tie you to an anchor and then boot you off the plank, we will. And to the ocean floor you'll sink, where you'll be food for mackerel."

That's but a few examples, but I think you've got the idea. Just because everyone will be talking like a pirate today, it doesn't mean you all have to talk like the same one.

So, go. Set a course for awesomeness. And let's break away from the stereotype.

Although, feel free to imagine everyone with an eye patch, and a parrot on their shoulder.

Ninja Haiku Contest Winners

First of all, a sincere thank you to everyone who helped make the Ninja Haiku Contest a success. To Denise and Sarah, who did whatever it is that people do on twitter with bite-size URLs and #marijuana-tags. And to my cousin Dan, who spread the word on Facebook by presenting his official entry (which wasn’t officially official, since he only posted it on Facebook).¹ And of course, to all of you who participated by submitting such fantastic ninja haiku.

As for my creative friends out there who didn’t post any haiku — you know who you are — know that I am deeply saddened by your lack of submission. I was looking forward to seeing what you could come up with, and to having even more trouble choosing the winners. Yeah, I’m talking about you, my-many-friends-with-MLS-degrees.² You, too, fellow-writer-who-recently-ran-off-to-another-company. And most of all, you, person-I-haven’t-mentioned-yet. To regain my trust and respect, I suggest you write me an email telling me why you failed to submit a haiku — the more outlandish the excuse, the better.³

Before I get to the winners, I must first share with you a special award which I had not intended to give out: the Dishonorable Mention. This goes to my father (BCFN), for managing to insult both haiku and Japanese cuisine in under seventeen syllables. Such a deed cannot go unpunished, and thus, I have changed the menu at my upcoming wedding reception to be nothing but Japanese food.⁴

Okay, enough of my rambling. On to the winners...


¹ Leftover cake gone. / A ferret? A ninja? No. / My daughters. Again.
² Depending on the institute of higher learning, MLS could be one of three things: Masters of Library Science, Major League Soccer, or the Megalomaniacal Librettist Society.
³ I realize two of you had a flooded basement. But that excuse isn’t outlandish enough. You’ll need to embellish: Perhaps the damage was caused by saintly sinner with psoriasis, or a pair of pink hippopotami.
⁴ That’s not actually true, but I’m hoping my dad doesn’t read footnotes.

And the Winners Are...

If you haven’t already, I suggest you go read all of the entries, especially since you won’t find any entries submitted by anonymous ninjas (such as this limerick!) among the winners. Plus, there are references to turtles, vampires, and zombies.

My judging was non-scientific, completely and utterly biased, and audited by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers.

Honorable Mention

I didn’t even realize this entry from xonmus was a haiku until the day after I first read it, since it was written all in one line. Were it actually ninja-related, it might have won, but technically it’s only ninja-haiku-contest-related (see rule #7). Still, you can’t get much more honorable than seppuku...

God damn – seppuku?
I’d have given it a shot,
but now I don’t know...

Tandyman scores runner-up to the Traditional prize with this entry...

Black clad assassins
wrapped in secrets and shadows.
Silent and unseen.

And Kyle is certainly right; ninjas are awesome:

Ninjas are awesome.
They throw shurikens at me.
Now I am dead. Ow.

First Place – Humorous

I was feeling extra-generous (read: indecisive), so I broke my own contest rules. Thus, there will be three (3) first place winners, instead of only two.

I almost knocked this entry down to Honorable Mention because it was written by my sister Naomi, whom I sometimes buy dinner anyway. But in the end, the punchline won me over:

Ninja and Pirate
Meet in a moldy dungeon.
Their love: forbidden.

I almost knocked this entry down to Honorable Mention because I prefer a haiku’s phrasing to be natural, with an implied pause at the end of each line. Yet, despite its less-than-ideal phrasing, it gave me the biggest laugh. And the kicker? Even without the Select-Start, typing this code into Google Reader will, in fact, make ninjas appear. Courtesy of Tandyman:

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left,
Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select,
Start. Code of Ninjas.

First Place – Traditional

And, in what seemed to be the tougher category, first-time commenter billypete takes home the prize for Traditional Haiku:

you hear no footfalls
from the enclosing darkness,
just your heart’s last beat.

Billypete, you can email me at theothernate[at]yahoo.com to discuss how we’ll handle your prize. Naomi and Tandyman, let me know when you’d like me to take you out for Japanese. (I’ll be busy that day.)

Also, as an added bonus, winners can print out their very own hastily thrown-together certificates to show co-workers and friends just how awesome they are.

First Place certificate (PDF)
Honorable Mention certificate (PDF)

Here’s what they look like:

(click images to embiggen)

Update: My haiku-hating father whined about not getting a certificate of his own, so, dutiful son that I am, I made one just for him. Here's his Dishonorable Mention. (PDF)

Congratulations again to all the winners!

Yo Ho Ho, and a Bottle of Manischewitz

(Note: You can also view the Talk Like a Pirate Guides for 2010 and 2011.)

For those of you who don’t already know, September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. But this year we get an extra special treat, since it falls on the first day of Rosh Hashanah. Thus, I decree: the first ever International Talk Like a Jewish Pirate Day!

So, just how do you talk like a Jewish pirate? Like so:

• “Today ye shall become a man, for it is yer barrrr mitzvah.”
• “Ahoy, vey!”

Pretty simple, yes? So now, if your uncle Sol is forced to walk the plank and finds himself in a watery grave, you can tell people you can’t maraud for the next seven days because you have to “sit shiva me timbers.” Inform a young punk that just finding a buried treasure chest doesn’t yet make him a pirate, since “a true swashbageler must learn to pick quality lox.”

Of course, some of you filthy bilge rats may have too much self-respect to use such horrible puns. If that’s the case, try to draw inspiration from this exchange between Jean Lafitte¹ and his fictional first mate, Long John Silverstein:

Lafitte: “Avast, ye scurvy dog! Read the torah, or I’ll cast ye into the briny depths!
Silverstein: “Do you mean the vat of gefilte fish?”
Lafitte: “Aye, the gefilte fish.”

Congratulations! Now you’re ready to hoist up your flag, with its traditional skullcap and crossbones, and head off to part the seven seas.

¹ An actual Jewish pirate.