Yo Ho Ho, and a Bottle of Manischewitz

(Note: You can also view the Talk Like a Pirate Guides for 2010 and 2011.)

For those of you who don’t already know, September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. But this year we get an extra special treat, since it falls on the first day of Rosh Hashanah. Thus, I decree: the first ever International Talk Like a Jewish Pirate Day!

So, just how do you talk like a Jewish pirate? Like so:

• “Today ye shall become a man, for it is yer barrrr mitzvah.”
• “Ahoy, vey!”

Pretty simple, yes? So now, if your uncle Sol is forced to walk the plank and finds himself in a watery grave, you can tell people you can’t maraud for the next seven days because you have to “sit shiva me timbers.” Inform a young punk that just finding a buried treasure chest doesn’t yet make him a pirate, since “a true swashbageler must learn to pick quality lox.”

Of course, some of you filthy bilge rats may have too much self-respect to use such horrible puns. If that’s the case, try to draw inspiration from this exchange between Jean Lafitte¹ and his fictional first mate, Long John Silverstein:

Lafitte: “Avast, ye scurvy dog! Read the torah, or I’ll cast ye into the briny depths!
Silverstein: “Do you mean the vat of gefilte fish?”
Lafitte: “Aye, the gefilte fish.”

Congratulations! Now you’re ready to hoist up your flag, with its traditional skullcap and crossbones, and head off to part the seven seas.

¹ An actual Jewish pirate.