Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Top Ten Things That Threaten to Topple This Theocracy

Thundering thistleweed! Two days left to enter my From A to Z Contest! I'm giving over $100 away, so enter today!

Theocracies are typically defined as "states governed by a deity or a priesthood," but in today's modern society even some people of faith also subscribe to another almighty: Science! It, too, is often perceived as infallible, omnipotent, and the cause of earthquakes and plagues. But the following things threaten to shake people's core scientific beliefs:

  1. Thing
    It's a disembodied hand that can think for itself. Need I say more?
  2. The Thing
    He's a man made of rock who, when he died, was resurrected by God. Need I say more?
  3. Thing 1 and Thing 2
    They have wild, natural blue hair and hang out with a talking cat. Need I say more?
  4. Time-Traveling Tyrannosaurs
    What's that? Dinosaurs are actually from the future? Fossils are the result of time-travel missions gone awry? Biology and geology, you're officially on notice.
  5. The T Party
    No, not the Tea Party; they're hardly a threat. I'm talking about the rabid fans of Mr. T, who are fervent believers in pitying the fool. Thus, they always vote to fund idiots who spread incorrect scientific information, which will cause the public to distrust science more and more every year.
  6. Toothless, Tongue-Tied Thespians
    Because the success of Cats with an all-gum cast is in direct opposition to Darwin's theory on natural selection.
  7. Tool Time's Tim Taylor
    With his incessant grunting, his poor grasp of language, and his propensity for smashing things, once the reruns start playing on Nick-at-Nite, people will soon realize evolution is a myth.
  8. Tattle-Tales
    A highly-respected member of the scientific community, under oath, will admit in the next inning of the steroids scandal that we still know next-to-nothing about almost everything. Whether steroids can help you hit a baseball, what causes cancer, the secrets of DNA, proper nutrition, weather forecasting, what's keeping Dick Clark alive... it's all guesswork.
  9. The Truth Theorem
    This theorem posits that science is a fad and will soon die out on account of its constant need for proof.
  10. Ten Thousand Teeming Tapirs
    Swarms of pig-like mammals from out of nowhere. Explain that, science.

This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, hosted by Karen Gowen and seven others. Go check out the other participants!


  1. Funny! I adored 'Thing' in the Addams Family. Always helpful, never dominated the conversation, always knew when it was time to beat a hasty retreat. We could learn a lot from Thing.

  2. Well Thing from #2 may've been resurrected by the god of Marvel, but apparently, Thing's buddy, the Torch, doesn't get such a resurrection anymore. I really don't like that Marvel is offing its heroes one by one.

    But hey, that's creative license for you.

  3. The truth is it's terrifyingly terrific when used to taunt. :P

    Well done, trickster.

  4. LOL. I have a thing for things.

  5. #7 has me convinced! And here I used to wonder what was wrong with me because I abhored tools...

  6. I felt the same way about Home Improvement! Clever idea, Nate! Have a great weekend.

  7. li: Not to mention, a great role model. Ignored and unappreciated by some (i.e. the villain), he (is it a he?) saves the entire family in one of the movies. A hero for all of today's appendages.

    Jeffrey: If they're offing Marvel heroes one by one, clearly the comic book writers are supervillains and must be stopped!

    L.G.: Thanks! Tantalizingly true.

    damyanti: Some things are better left unsaid.

    N.R.: Thanks. My personal favorite is the one that starts with T.

    Alex: People are just made of different stuff. Some love using tools, some avoid tools at all costs, and some are tools. None is inherently wrong (although the last one comes close).

    Paul: Tim Allen's stand-up never appealed to me, either. Clearly, he's best when he's a toy.