Five Fiendish Footnotes

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I like footnotes. Not all of them, of course. The traditional ones, which simply impart more information or list source material, can be a bit droll. Footnotes can be so much more.

If you've been on my blog before, you know I typically use them as humorous asides, or as the punch line itself. Twice, I've had footnote-centric posts with 10 notes a piece, and my blog's title also comes from a footnote. But it's not just me.

Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell has footnotes that go on for pages, detailing past events in her revised history of Britain. Mark Danielewski's House of Leaves contains footnotes within footnotes within footnotes, mirroring the story's narrative. Jasper Fforde's protagonist Thursday Next speaks with characters who aren't in the scene via a footnoterphone. And these are just a few examples.

My footnotes today, however, are like none of the above. You may notice there are no little numbers or asterisks pointing you to them, that they have no connection at all to the content of the post. Here's why: My friend Maureen always reads the footnotes first, and I've tailored these specifically to, for lack of a better phrase (and to ensure the infinitive I started back there is really, really split), screw with her. Never mind that I don't necessarily believe the things I'm saying below. Like I said at the beginning, footnotes can be so much more than just boring old information.

They can be downright fiendish.


¹ "Not unless it's a hundred grand." Get it? Because of the farmer's tooth? Man, that joke kills me every time...
² ‒ • •   ‒ ‒ ‒   ‒       ‒ • •   ‒ ‒ ‒   ‒       ‒ • •   • ‒   • • •   • • • •       ‒ • •   ‒ ‒ ‒   ‒   this.
³ But this time, the duck was wearing a monocle.
⁴ People may call Bill Gates the Devil, but I say it's Steve Jobs. Think about it. They say the devil's in the details, and while Gates has given up day-to-day decisions at Microsoft, Jobs still has his hand in each new iDevice that comes out and imposes strict regulations on every product and app. He is like a snake, and Apple is the fruit of the devil.
⁵ Which is why, from now on, I shall only use Comic Sans. In bold text, red on a dark background. No, wait. It should be RAINBOW! And in a scrolling marquee!! BeSt FoOtNoTe EvAr! (Note: You'll need to click through to the blog to actually see the marquee — and blink — in action.)

This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, hosted by Jen Daiker and seven others. Go check out the other participants!