Haiku Winners: Together

Haiku. Haiku is what bwings us togeddah, today.

Times are tough. But I'm hoping I can play a part (See what I did there? A part? Oh, never mind.) in making things a teensy bit easier for three people, and for three charities.

And thus, I shall cease my blabbering and announce the winners of my togetherness haiku contest.

Put your hands together (See what I did there?) for this year's award winners:

Not Quite Honorable Mention

My wife Denise's haiku is easily the finest pandering ever done in one of my contests. Unfortunately, she majored in English, not math. Eighteen syllables a haiku does not make.

You are my husband
He is our curly headed boy
We are together

Honorable Mentions

Rawknrobin perfectly encapsulates the mood of the working-from-home masses (even if my company uses Skype, and I'm in the pants-wearing minority).

We aren't wearing pants
Let us zoom together now
Solidarity!

Joelle highlights cats' love for cornering us when we're at our most vulnerable (even if we sometimes secretly enjoy the company).

Social distancing?
For humans, not for kitties.
Never poop alone.

And then there's my sister Naomi, whose haiku I laughed out loud at (even if I knew long before the contest started she wasn't going to win).

Why do I see you
Whenever I turn around?
Oh, right! Conjoined twins.

First Prize: Traditional

Yeah, I might be biased against Naomi, but not her 9-year-old son Solomon. He wins the prize for traditional haiku, and he has chosen Habitat for Humanity as his charity. I will be giving them a donation of $100.

A tiny atom.
Has very very small quarks.
All stuck together.

First Prize: Humorous/Creative

Jess Sokol used one of her superpowers (i.e. cats) to take the award for humorous haiku. Her chosen charity is Protectors of Animals, who will also be receiving a $100 donation.

Too many cats near
Eyeing my keyboard and cords
The mouse is afraid

First Prize: Judge's Choice

And finally, my pick for the third prize is one that embodies family and the joys of childhood, courtesy of Joe.

Grab that big blanket.
Everyone, quick, get under.
Now tickle someone!

Joe, please send me an email and let me know to which charity I should donate. I'll be making the donations (and sending out the gift cards) in the next few days.

Congratulations to all the winners and mentions! And thank you to everyone who submitted haiku (you can read all the entries here) or shared the contest with others. I hope I was able to bring you some much-needed levity (and/or spending money) in these trying times.

So, farewell my friends,
Until we meet up again.
(With or without pants.)

Together: A Haiku Contest for Charity

*** The contest has ended. Check out the winners! ***

We, as a people, are too divided. We were already split along economical, ideological, and political lines (among others), and then the Virus That Shall Not Be Named came along and split us apart physically.

Enough is enough. Let's write some haiku about togetherness.

You may think a haiku contest won't accomplish much. And you'd be right. But at least this one will result in $300 for charity. It isn't much, but it's a start.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5), and write a poem inspired by the word "together." However you interpret the theme is up to you.

I will select the best haiku in the following three categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)
• Judge's Choice

As in past years,* each winner will receive a $25 gift card. But then I will also donate $100 each to charities of their choosing.

The deadline to submit haiku is Thursday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Submit some haiku.
For you, or for charity.
Or for all of us.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post haiku inspired by the word "together" in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you submit more than five, it will smack of selfishness in a time of need. It's not a good look for you. And you will not win.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. These rules are in place to keep the poetic form safe. If you ignore them, I'll wash my hands of you, and your entry won't win.
3. The contest is open until Thursday, May 7, 2020 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you arrive late, the contest will already be at capacity, and you'll be left out in the cold. No prize for you.
4. If your entry is not in English, you must also provide its English translation. If I don't know what you're saying, it'll feel like you're keeping me at a distance. (Note: Translations don't need to adhere to the 17-syllable structure.)
5. Anonymous entries will not win. You can't foster a feeling of togetherness if all you do is keep secrets.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of three (3) categories: Humorous/Creative, Traditional, and Judge's Choice, which is basically a catch-all category because I couldn't think of a proper third one.
   
   • Each first place winner will each receive a $25 gift card, and I will donate $100 to a charity of their choice.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances, unless I decide I was just being sarcastic the first time around.

* For reference, previous themes were: ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, science, the wild west, and magic.

Magic Haiku Contest Winners!

Welcome back, ladies and gents. It's the most magical time of the year! (Andy Williams had it wrong.)

Anyway, you're probably wondering who won this year's haiku contest. Well, so am I.

Let's get to it.


Honorable Mentions

Scott, what's With all the Capitalized Words? Ooh, It's a Secret Code, isn't it? So your Assistant Knows tbicmrp is the One To pick? Nope, Not picking It.

Terrified Bunny
In his hidden Compartment
Makes Rabbit Pellets

Of all the entries, this one from my sister Naomi is actually the one I laughed at the hardest when I first read it. But is it magic? According to the judge, no. No kid has ever believed this is magic.

The guillotine blade
Was installed slightly askew.
Ha ha! Got your nose!

Betsy Rose's would make me sad, but luckily I now have a child and can laugh vicariously through him:

The child laughs with joy
At the magic everywhere.
Then becomes a man.

In my early 20s, I once picked up a deck of cards, split the deck, and correctly guessed the chosen card: the four of spades. Since then, I always pick the four of spades. Sorry, Sam Cook, you were so close:

Go pick a card, Nate.
Got it? It's the Three of Spades!
(So cool if this works)

I also liked that Sam brought web design humor. But alas, he only managed to make part of his haiku vanish, not the whole thing. He doesn't win the prize.

Abracadbra,
Make this haiku disappear!
<!--this line is hidden-->

First Place - Traditional

Except he does win the prize. Thanks a lot, Sam, for making me a liar.

My arm extended
Pointed toward that distant snack
I yearn for The Force

For those of you who might argue the Force is not magic, that it's just a hokey religion, I completely agree. Of course, I also believe magicians create only illusions, the appeal of baby's laughter is science, and Trix is not even close to magically delicious. It's not like I can disqualify everything on a technicality. Well, I can, since I'm the judge. But I won't.


First Place - Humorous/Creative

The other one goes to my sister:

“It’s LeviOHsa,
Not LeviohSA, you twit.”
“Shut up, HermiOHN.”

I don't know about the rest of you muggles, but for the first three books of the series, I was sure her name was pronounced HermiOHN. (Well, actually, HERmiohn.) But after the first movie came out I was forced to admit my mistake. I'm also making a mistake naming Naomi a winner, but at least I admit that from the start.


And that'll do it for this year's contest. Be sure to read all the magical entries. Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, or ridiculed my contest. Until next time...

Leave 'em wantin' more.
That's what they say in show biz.
So I'll just

The Magical Haiku Contest

*** The contest is closed. View the winners. ***

Shazam! It's my 9th annual haiku contest!

We've previously manipulated ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, science, and the wild west. But this year's theme, which I just pulled out of thin air, is magic!

There's no trick to it:
Write a bunch of syllables
Seventeen of 'em.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it magical. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive a locked box containing your card! Amazing! $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Because I know that every little thing you write is magic.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Monday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post magic-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you try to sneak extras past me, I'll catch you in the act, and you won't get any prestige.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you're off by a syllable you could turn me into a newt. I'll get better, but I hold a grudge. You won't win.
3. The contest is open until Monday, May 7, 2018 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you make me wait for a spell, you're cast out of the contest.
4. Entries must be in English, though exceptions will be made for magical-sounding phrases (i.e. Latinglish). But anything else will be considered black magicks and that extra k is stupid so you lose.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. He who shall not be named never wins, not in the end.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or the Sorting Hat decrees it.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless I'm tricked into it.

Wild West Haiku Contest: Winners!

I apologize for taking a week to announce the winners of this year's contest, but I was delayed by unexpected circumstances *cough cough laziness cough cough* and I'd better get to it quick since it sounds like I'm coming down with a cold.

First of all, let me say you guys outdid yourselves this year. Picking the winners was tough. A couple brief observations before I get to the winners:

• I didn't realize titles on haiku were a thing. As long as the title wasn't required to understand the poem (and thus, a way of sneaking in extra syllables), I allowed it.
• I knew movie references would be a thing. But I didn't expect they'd end up completely shut out of the prizes. A couple came close, but in the end, no pop culture references (be they movie or video game) made the cut.

As always, remember my judging is very subjective, but my word is law. Still, make sure to check out all the action-packed entries.

Anyway, let's get to it.

Mention (Not Honorable, Not Dishonorable... Just Mention)

After five stray shots (TomBstone my favorite among them), Scott's sixth rang true:

Apparently all
I know about the wild west
Is from the movies

Honorable Mentions

For me, this one was the most shocking. Not only did my dad (Charles Wilson) provide a serious entry, but it was actually good. He's come a long way from his early entries purposely insulting haiku. And gift cards. (2010, 2011, 2012)

Spaghetti Westerns
were my childhood food and drink
and still nourish me

From Bob Chase, I'm not sure if this one qualifies as humor or horror:

Sleeping on the ground
The fire goes out way too soon
Horse lips touch my lips

I don't know if Billy the Kid ever actually faced off in this style of showdown, but I love the imagery here from Keith A. Simmonds:

Showdown at high noon...
Billy the Kid walks slowly
set to flash his colts

Sam Cook provided this fine one-two combo of great visuals and subtle humor:

The doors swing open
Silence covers the saloon
Piano gets tuned

And Gillian Skow, I think, did the best job of capturing the voice of the wild west, so to speak:

Howdy gunslinger
We don't want no trouble here
Glassware is costly

First Place - Humorous

Sam takes home the Humorous prize for the second straight year with this one. It still makes me chuckle every time I read it. Killer stuff, Sam:

Stop calling me Kid
It's a little demeaning
I'm William the Man

First Place - Traditional

With Betsy Rose's entry, I'm having trouble putting into words why it speaks to me, but luckily I don't need to explain myself. All I need to do is say it wins. And it has.

The land of big sky
Now tamed by small minded men
The West: wild no more.

First Place - Creative

There were too many great haiku not to reward a third this year, and Larysa gave me the best twist on the Wild West theme. Or maybe I just like puns. Either way, she nets a prize.

Big film producer
Directing film called "The Sun."
It's set in the west.

And that brings this year's contest to close. Sam, Betsy, and Larysa, I think I have your email addresses, but just to be sure, please send me a note at theothernate@yahoo.com and I'll get you your winnings.

Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, tweeted, ridiculed, or hacked my contest. Until next time...

As I do each year,
I will end with a haiku.
This is that haiku.

Wild West Haiku Contest!

*** The contest has ended. View the winners here. ***

Welcome to my 8th annual haiku contest!

We've previously explored ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, and science. But now it's time to go a different direction with Wild West haiku!

It's pretty simple:
Write seventeen syllables
And shoot 'em my way.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and have it involve the wild west. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive the entire Gadsden Purchase $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry if I see fit. So, go west, young men and women!

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Sunday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post Wild-West-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of six (6) entries. If you haven't hit your mark by then, you're out of luck. You won't be given the chance to reload.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, you're nothin' but a goldurn cheat, and you won't see a dime.
3. The contest is open until Sunday, May 7, 2017 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If your entry arrives after the allotted time, you won't have a chance at a prize. That train will have left the station.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't grasp your meaning, it means you ain't from around here. And we don't take kindly to strangers in these parts. You won't win.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. If I don't know who you are, you're a stranger. See Rule 4.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or if I'm hallucinating from exposure.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive both mention and honor. Not necessarily in that order.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless circumstances change.
    
8. NEW RULE (as of May 1): "Wild" can sound like 1 or 2 syllables, depending on how you say it. Sure, the internet says it's 1, but the internet is full of lies. For this contest, "wild" is wild: depending on what you need for your haiku, it can be either 1 or 2 syllables.

Winners of the Science Haiku Contest!

It took a week, but I have now judged all the entries to my haiku contest scientifically. By which I mean I studied them under a microscope, heated them to a boil, compared them against a control group of other haiku, and then threw out the results due to bias.

Thanks to everyone who entered! All your haiku (except the one my dad wrote) were such monumental creations that it was tough to pick the winners. So, in the end I let a nicotine-addicted monkey do that for me.

I shall now unveil my findings, soon to be sent off to a scientific journal. Probably the one I keep in the bookcase in my office. (But hey, if you haven't done so already, make sure to check out all the electrifying entries.)

Not Entirely Honorable Mention

My brother-in-law, Tom, may know a thing or two about nuclear energy, but I believe we may disagree on how many syllables it has.

Ernesto P. Santiago had a lovely haiku... that had nothing to do with science. Alas, including a living creature does not make it biology.

And as for Emilia's? She was clearly pandering.

Honorable Mention

I'd accuse Marian Allen of pandering as well, but I'm not sure she knows I have a cat named Schrödinger.

My tuna is gone
And yet it is not eaten.
Damn Schrodinger's cat!

My 5-year-old nephew, Solomon, outdid his mom's 5 entries. (Note: There's not one shred of scientific proof that I have a completely legitimate bias against her poetry.)

Mars: a hot planet
Because of all its red sand
So says Solomon.

Rena's entry recalls one of my fondest memories of high school chemistry (although ours was done with cesium).

Sodium metal
Is serene in glycerin.
Explodes with water

And Sam Cook nearly took a prize with this one, mostly because of all the big words.

The phenomenon
of quantum entanglement
questions everything

First Place - Humorous

Instead, Sam won with this one. Getting popular culture, "science," and one team's 107 years of futility all into 17 syllables? Well done, sir.

Back to the Future
was wrong about time travel.
The Cubs never win.

First Place - Traditional

Keith A. Simmonds not only got some great prose into this entry, but it was also one of the few in which each line could be read as a separate phrase (as traditional haiku do), rather than breaking up a longer phrase to fit the 5-7-5 scheme. That combo netted him the win.

The ozone layer…
a furnace of desires
sears the heart of man

And that will bring my 7th annual haiku contest to a close. Sam and Keith, if you'll please write me at theothernate@yahoo.com, I can send the Amazon gift cards your way.

Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, and/or re-tweeted this contest! Let's do it all again next year!

One piece of advice
For future haiku contests:
Wear safety goggles.

Haiku Contest: Science!

*** The contest has ended. View the winners. ***

Congratulations! You’ve unearthed my 7th annual haiku contest!

We've previously performed experiments on ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, and heroes & villains. But now it's time to document the natural world properly: in the form of science haiku!

Here’s how you do it:
Write seventeen syllables.
Eureka! You’re done.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it have something to do with science. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive $25 million in gold bullion $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry. I won’t know for sure until I’ve completed my findings.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Saturday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post science-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5) entries, you'll have introduced too many elements and they will become unstable. Thus, excess entries will be disposed of safely and efficiently.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, your results will not be repeatable. And since I won’t be able to repeat it, your entry will not win.
3. The contest is open until Saturday, May 7, 2016 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If your entry arrives after the deadline, I will assume you’ve failed in your attempt to bend time. Failed experiments are not yet ready for public consumption and will be rendered invalid.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If, after careful examination, I cannot understand your entry, I will deem it purely theoretical and remove it from consideration.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. In the sciences, attaching your name gives something credibility. If you can’t grasp the gravity of this, your entries will be unceremoniously dropped.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded depending on how I react to certain variables.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive both mention and honor. Not necessarily in that order.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Though they may evolve.

Winners of the Heroes & Villains Haiku Contest!

If you're wondering why it took over three weeks to name contest winners, I've been busy. You know, for the usual reasons: I was attacked by a pack of rabid squids, it took ages to find that one missing sock, and of course, for a few days in there I completely forgot where I lived.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who entered! You made it tough to pick the winners; I switched sides a few times, double-crossed myself, added a bonus prize... and then went evil.

If your entry isn't highlighted below, know that it was still super. Unless you're my dad. And if you haven't done so already, make sure to check out all the entries.

Honorable Mention

As usual, Joelle found a way to work in pantslessness.

Being a hero
Means having courage to wear
Underwear outside.

And as usual, someone found a way to go sophomoric. In this case, it was j. james (who, interestingly enough, also had the most literary entry).

Wonder Woman plane
Has Invisible bathroom
Hard to poop in there

And my nephew Solly had by far the best haiku of anyone under the age of 30. (He's 4.)

Superheroes fly.
Superheroes have power.
They land on the ground.

First Place - Humorous

j. james eked out the humor win with his crack at the dark knight.

Batman likes his tights
Powder helps to slip them on
Robin thinks they stink

First Place - Traditional

Christine takes this prize with a bit of duality.

I have both in me
Push off the cliff and rescue
Always wear my mask

First Place - Delicious

Yup, I decided to go with a third winner after all. Like Winnie the Pooh, I always follow my stomach. This one goes to Marian Allen for her different take on the topic.

Turkey, ham, and cheese
Within a cloak of fresh bread --
My kind of hero.

First Place - In Which I'm Evil

And lastly, my sister Naomi entered one of my favorites of the competition, in part because it resonates so much with the writer in me...

Who intends evil?
No one. Your villain may be
Somebody's hero.

...however, I'm biased against her, so I decided she doesn't get a prize. Which means I'm being evil just to be evil, and thus negates her haiku. Ha!


And that brings my 6th annual haiku contest to a close. Marian, Christine, and j. james, if you haven't already heard from me, please write me at theothernate@yahoo.com so I'll have your email address and can send the Amazon gift cards your way.

One final haiku
Not for any real reason
Um... Excelsior!

Haiku Contest: Heroes & Villains!

*** The contest has ended. Check out the winners! ***

Up on the blog: It's a beard! It's a plane! It's my 6th annual haiku contest!
We've previously honored ninja, pirates, robots, space, and the ocean. But now it's time for our haiku to honor those who have done so much for (or against) us: heroes and villains.

It's not difficult.
You know what syllables are?
Just use seventeen.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it have something to do with heroes and/or villains. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive $25 million in unmarked bills $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Or I may not. Because I am maniacal, and like to keep you guessing.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Thurssday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post hero- and/or villain-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5) entries, you'll have introduced too many characters and won't be able to protect all of them. The newest additions will slashed mercilessly.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount and fall short, your poem will enter battle vastly outnumbered and will not survive. If you run long, I'll start cutting before you finish. (In other words, don't start monologuing.)
3. The contest is open until Thursday, May 7, 2014 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If an entry arrives after the deadline, it'll make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. HAIKU SMASH!
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't understand your entry, it proves you're a creature of unknown origin hell-bent on world domination. I'll give the prize money to others, so they can finance our planet's defenses against you.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. Heroes have alter egos, so if you provide no name it means you're a villain, and I can't trust anything you say. You won't poison me with your lies. And you will never win.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if the mood (or a muscle-bound guy in tights) strikes me.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive both mention and honor. Not necessarily in that order.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless you can give me some sort of superpower. Then I'm totally changing my mind.

Winners of the Shamu Haiku Contest!

Clearly, you people consider the ocean a solemn place. For the first time in any of my haiku contests — nay, for the first time in any of my contests, period — the number of serious entries outnumbered the humorous. After all, the ocean is dark and mysterious... much like the criteria by which I judged your haiku.

Thanks to everyone who entered! Your fantastic submissions made it tough to settle on the winners. I wish I could give awards to you all, but alas, that's not in the rules. I checked.

So, despair not if your entry doesn't get highlighted below; it barely missed the cut. And if you haven't done so already, make sure to check out all the entries.

Honorable Mention

Dan Yungk waited until one minute past the deadline before posting a comment. It's written all in one line and has nothing to do with the ocean. So why does he get a mention? Because I always reward cleverness. (Just not necessarily with gift cards.)

Every single year, I plan to participate, then run out of time...

Marian Allen, as soon as you posted this question, the answer was always going to be one. Yours.

How many entries
Will use the words, "I think we
Need a bigger boat"?

This one of Tara Tyler R's gets the nod (barely over her "Poles baited") because every time I read it I hear my 2-year-old son's pronunciation of barracuda. (That's what he calls the salad tongs.)

A lurking monster,
hidden in coral...attacks!
Boss barracuda!

Matthew MacNish had me at "cthulhu."

Dagon in the depths
la Cthulhu f'taghn
shadows of the past

J. Grace Penningon swayed me with the force of her imagery.

anemones sway
but not from force of current
back and forth alone

And this one from Juliet Lauser is beautiful, even though I must admit I'm not entirely sure what the tiger represents. (I think I've got it, but who knows.)

That tiger curls round
Two thirds of earth so we play
With his velvet toes.

First Place - Humorous

Matt Pelletier, take a bow. Just don't do it near the bow of the boat...

Frigid salty depths
Waist deep... OHGODWHATWASTHAT!?!?
NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE NOPE!!!

First Place - Traditional

And Li takes the crown with this entry, titled "Pearls."

life's irritations
transformed by patient bivalves
jewelry from torment

And that does it for this year's contest. Thanks again to all who entered, stopped by, retweeted, shared, mocked, etc. Matt and Li, please send me a note so I'll have your email addresses and can get you the Amazon gift cards.

And before you leave,
Here's a haiku just for you.
(It's not very good.)

Haiku Contest: Under the Sea!

**This contest is closed. Check out the winners!**

Announcing the launch of The Wheel’s 5^th Annual Haiku Contest!

We've previously honored ninja, pirates, robots, and space. This year, in honor of my son's current infatuation with sharks (or rather, shark puppets), we're taking on water. Specifically, the Ocean.

It's not difficult.
All you do is write haiku.
(Also, submit them.)

Just follow the standard haiku structure (5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 again) and make it something to do with the ocean. I'd stay away from pirates, but otherwise, however you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your own sea-related haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive 25 sand-dollars $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry, depending on my mood. And the mood of my wallet.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Wednesday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post space-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5) entries, it'll be viewed as a clear attempt to pollute the waters. Any additional entries will go belly up.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, it'll throw off the balance of your submission and your chances at winning will be sunk.
3. The contest is open until Wednesday, May 7, 2014 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If an entry arrives after the deadline, it will not be eligible for a prize. That ship will have already sailed.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't understand your entry, I'll assume your brain is addled due to lack of oxygen, and will provide medical advice instead of gift cards.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. If you don't tell me who you are, it'll be obvious you're a top-secret government assassin with amnesia, and cannot be trusted. Your entry will be denied.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if the mood (or a ballast) strikes me.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. Also, honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless I flip-flop. I can sometimes be a bit wishy-washy.

Space Haiku Contest Winners!

Before we get to the winners, I'd like to share a few details about the entries. I'm not sure if my friends lean this way or if the haiku format merely lends itself to such things, but five haiku referenced Star Trek (final score: Kirk 2, Picard 1), yet no other show or film garnered more than one mention before the deadline. (The others: Star Wars, Galaxy Quest, Firefly, Hitchhiker's Guide, and Invader Zim.)

On the other hand, space apparently makes you people think of flatulence. And mooning. And Uranus. That's six haiku claimed by the entirely wrong type of black hole.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who entered haiku in this year's contest (or shared it on Facebook, like Matthew of the QQQE). You made my work as judge tougher than ever. As usual, my decisions are completely biased and made without the slightest hint of logic. In other words, I am the anti-Spock.

If none of your haiku appear below, know that your best one just barely missed the cut. (Unless you're my dad. Then, just be happy you didn't get a dishonorable mention this time around.) And if you haven't already done so, make sure to check out all the entries. There's even a trio of anonymous entries near the end whose puns put my own to shame...

Honorable Mentions

Susan Kaye Quinn tried to win on a technicality. But Susan, you should know: the Wookiee only wins if I let him win.

Sweet like gorimn wine
My soaring space prose triumphs!
Wookie always wins

Scott nets two. The first because it offers up a double whammy, running out of space while talking about it. The second because... well, it's just so shiny.

Space, The Final Fron-
Dammit! Space, The Final Fron-
You know what I mean!

Hero of Canton
Unintentional patron
Orange woolen hat

Joshua's captures the futility of space travel. At least, the futility of space travel without having brought enough oxygen. Or fuel. Or...

A solo journey.
Much too far from planetfall.
Almost out of air.

I feel I had to reward one of the entries from the dark (and/or smelly) side. This one is from Joelle:

I dreamt of space flight
But studied proctology;
Uranus beckoned.

A woman called Mittens shares the gospel truth about kittens:

Cats in king sized beds
Plenty of space, so why must
you bogart my side

And then there's this one, which only works if you know Naomi's son is named Solomon. And is only accurate for another two months, at which time another son will rise and throw everything out of alignment:

My whole universe
(Not just one puny system)
Revolves around Sol.

First Place — Traditional

I don't have anything clever to say to introduce this entry. Which is good, because traditional haiku are serious stuff. The first winner is Andrea Gilbey:

Beyond this green world
Past the deep blue and farther
All is midnight black.

First Place — Humorous/Creative

Joelle snagged the top humor prize (and a gift card) with this inventive entry:

Spacebarisbroken
Wheredomywordsstartandend
Ican'tworklikethis

First Place — Mostly Harmless

And as you can see, I did decide to award a third top prize after all. It goes to Naomi, for proffering this sage advice:

Vast and uncharted
You cannot prepare for it.
Just bring your towel

And that'll do it for this year's haiku contest. Andrea, Joelle, and Naomi, please email me (or comment below) to let me know if you'd prefer your digital monies from Amazon or iTunes.

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everyone who entered and/or stopped by. I'm already looking forward to next year's contest...

Haiku Contest: Space!

** The contest is now closed. Check out the winners!**

Announcing the launch of The Wheel’s 4^th Annual Haiku Contest!

We've done ninja. We've done pirates. We've done robots. But this year we boldly go where no few haiku have gone before: Space!

It's pretty simple.
Step 1: You write a haiku.
(There is no step 2.)

Just follow the standard haiku structure (5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 again) and make it something to do with space. Whether you opt for proven science or aliens or pop culture or another meaning of space entirely is up to you.

To enter, write your own space-themed haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive spacebucks $25 gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry, depending on my mood. And the mood of my wallet.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Tuesday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post space-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5) entries, there won't be enough room in the contest for all of them and they'll burn up on re-entry.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, the launch of your entry will be scrubbed and you'll have to start over from scratch.
3. The contest is open until Tuesday, May 7, 2013 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you try to sneak an entry in after the deadline, it will be treated as a stowaway and sent hurling off into the black via the airlock. It will not survive.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't understand your entry, I'll assume it's a message from an alien world and be too busy trying to decipher it to award you any money.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. If you don't tell me who you are, clearly you are a conspiracy nut who only wants to get your hands on the alien message from rule #4. I will never let you see anything of mine, and that includes gift cards.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if the mood (or a light saber) strikes me.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 gift card from either Amazon or iTunes (their choices).
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. Also, honor (mentioned).
   • If my father submits an entry, there's a good chance there will also be a Dishonorable Mention.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless I'm threatened by a Wookiee. Then I'll let the Wookiee win.

Robot Haiku Contest Winners

First of all, thank you to everyone who entered this year's contest! Because of you — and especially Tara and Tyrean, who also spread the word on their blogs — my job as judge was that much harder. Yet, I went into the judging like a well-oiled machine. Too well oiled, in fact. My mind kept slipping, and at the end I was drained.

Anyway, onto the awards. As usual, the mechanisms of my judging were guided by extreme prejudice and no logic whatsoever. And if you haven't already done so, make sure to read all of the entries.

Dishonorable Mention

Once again, my father (BCFN) insulted both haiku and the prize in 17 syllables. I won't be reprinting his schlock here.

Plain Old Mention

I appreciated Laurie Peel's entry: A haiku praising my haiku about how to write haiku. But it had nothing to do with robots, so she's out.

Honorababble Mentions

These two would have been in the running, if not for one pesky extra syllababble. It's too bad; I enjoyed them both. First, from Tyrean Martinson, life comes to the lifeless:

lights switch on displays
after the science fair closes
a mind awakens

And Budd harkens the dawning of a new age:

Rise my Bretheren
let us strike down our oppressors
Enter the steel age

Honorable Mentions

Thanks to Owen, we learned the fate of someone long since forgotten:

Out of a soundless
wasteland sticks the bold head of
Mister Roboto

Zongrik showed us we're not so far off from the Jetsons after all:

digital housemaid
room disinfection robot
it's the modern age

And Tara Tyler tells us what we pretty much already know:

laziness is doom
robots do all and faster
humans obsolete

First Place — Traditional

I find this category the toughest to choose every year. This one was very close, but in the end, I called in the super-secret tie-breaking judge (my wife), who coaxed me into choosing a haiku by someone I had to coax into participating. From Lynda R Young:

A rusted robot
Its mechanics whirs and purs
Needs oil and falls down

First Place — Humorous / Creative

Humor was a little harder to come by this year than in past contests — apparently ninjas and pirates are funnier subjects than robots — but it didn't stop Mooderino. He takes home the prize with this little number:

As R2D2
Exclaimed to C3PO
"Brr wee ping woo woo!"

First Place — Robopocalypse

I knew I'd be awarding a third prize, but I only decided on the category after I chose the third winner. Budd claims this one with some sage advice on how we can survive the uprising:

How can we survive?
the machines have risen up.
Divide by zero

And that'll do it. Lynda, Moody, and Budd, send me an email and let me know your gift card preference (Amazon, iTunes, etc).

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everyone who entered!

Robot Haiku Contest!

*** The contest has ended. View the winning entries. ***

Announcing The Wheel’s 3^rd Annual Haiku Contest!

First came ninja haiku. Then, pirates. Following those, this year there was only one logical choice: Robots.

It's not difficult:
You just write five syllables,
Then seven, then five.

And it must involve robots in some way. How you incorporate them — and which variety of robot you use — is completely up to you.

To enter, write your own robot-themed haiku in the comments section below. Three lucky winners will receive money that exists only digitally $25 gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

...and then I'll also reward my next favorite haiku, just because I can.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Monday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time).

Robot poetry.
Let's make it happen, people.
Contest begins... now.

Official Rules:

1. To enter, post robot-themed haiku in the comment section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5), you will exceed your data limit and be charged for each additional entry. And by "charged," I mean pumped full of electricity.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, the system will automatically detect this and break your entry down for parts. You will not win.
3. The contest is open until Monday, May 7, 2011 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you try to sneak an entry in after the deadline, the system will automatically eradicate your last line. Your haiku will then be one line short, and will be disqualified.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku. If I can't understand your entry, I'll assume it's encrypted code, and for the sake of national security never let it see the light of day. You will not win.)
5. Anonymous entries will not win. If you don't tell me who you are, clearly you are a hacker trying to infiltrate my system. I will lock you out of the system, and your entry out of the contest.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of three categories: Humorous/Creative, Traditional, and Next Favorite.
   
   • Three (3) first place winners will each receive a $25 gift card from either Amazon or iTunes (their choices).
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. Also, honor (mentioned).
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances unless some robot is sent back from the future to do so.

Pirate Haiku Contest Winners!

Thank you everyone, for making it so bloody difficult to choose the winners. If you haven't done so already, make sure to check out all the entries.

All of the haiku were fantastic, even if my sister Naomi tried to win with stuff pirated off my Talk Like a Jewish Pirate Day post, and her husband Josh submitted an entry pirated from last year's contest. (At least he admitted it.) Sadly, nobody anonymously entered any spectacular ninja limericks this year, but that may have been because the theme this time around was pirates. Still, 'twas a shame. Yar.

Now, I should point out that there is no method to my madness, and thus, my judging of your entries was both extremely subjective and overly erratic. Thus, if your haiku aren't listed below, it's clearly either because I'm not smart enough to appreciate it properly, or because you never wrote the damn thing.

Baygirl32 especially captured the spirit of the contest with her entry:

Arrg arg aaaarg arg aarrgggh
Aaarg hhharr har aarrggh har rrar har
Yo Ho ho HHo Ho

But it fell just short of honorable mention, getting only a regular old mention instead. These, on the other hand, did one better...

Honorable Mentions

Hannah Kincade said she might or might not have pictures of the following event. Pictures might have sealed the deal...

Swinging from the door
She is naked, knife in hand.
"Yargh! Pirate knife fight!"

The Rare Poet's was one of the rare few to incorporate another form of piracy:

a bootlegged copy
of Jack Sparrow's latest flick.
such sweet irony!

This was Mary R's first haiku ever:

Before Blackbeard's Ghost
I ran around on two legs
Now it's just the peg

Naomi, as she likes to do, presented us with idiots:

Incredibly dumb
Pyromaniac Pirates
sink their own vessel

Budd introduced us to pirate Date Night:

A hook on the hand
A patch on the missing eye
And she's the looker

Laura also found inspiration in piratical romance:

Come buxom wenches
Come fondle my wooden leg
And I'll hook ye good

And the ever-entertaining Chris Phillips carved up a few creative entries, including this'n:

Polly won't shut up
Another cracker you say?
You'll be delicious.

First Place - Traditional

Once again, the Traditional prize proved to be the tougher category, with the majority of the entries straying toward the comical. It was a hard fought battle, but in the end, my brain outsmarted itself and selected this entry by Sarah Ahiers (Falen) for the first $25 prize:

Moonlight brushes sea
Waves capped in silver and gold
Treasure for all men

First Place - Humorous / Creative

And the humorous champion is Joelle, who's always looking for new reasons to be pantsless:

Too many buttons
For me hook-hand to manage.
Naked pirate time.

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everyone who entered!

Falen and Joelle, I've sent you each an Amazon gift card in your email. Please let me know if you haven't received it yet.

Pirate Haiku Contest!

** The contest is now closed. Check out the winners. **

Announcing The Wheel’s 2nd Annual Haiku Contest!

Last year, it was ninja haiku. This year’s theme: Pirates.

It's not difficult:
You just write five syllables,
Then seven, then five.

And you write about pirates. The eye patch-and-parrot types, sure, but also those with illegally obtained music, or any others you might think of. With so many different types of piracy out there, I'm not about to restrict you.

So, write your own pirate haiku in the comments section below. Two lucky winners will receive a treasure chest full of gold doubloons $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etcetera)

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Saturday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Please review the official rules below before entering.

Pirate poetry. Let's make it happen, people. Good luck!

Official Rules:

1. To enter, post pirate-related haiku in the comment section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5), you may begin to get on my nerves, and I'll get our resident witch doctor to curse you. (Oh, the profanity!)
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, I'll know I can't count on you, and both you and your entry will be sent into the briny depths.
3. The contest is open until Saturday, May 7, 2011 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you try to sneak an entry in after the deadline, you will be caught hiding below deck and stranded on a deserted island. Like your carcass, your entries will be picked apart by scavenging birds. They will no longer have enough syllables, and be disqualified.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku. If I can't understand you, obviously you're plotting mutiny against me, and I'm not about to let you steal this contest which I've been captaining for years. You will finish in dead last. Because my first mate will slit your throat.)
5. Anonymous entries will not win. If you try to hide your identity, clearly you're running from something, and I don' t need that sort of trouble. I'll feed you to the sharks. Or to the shrieking eels. Then I'll claim any valuable writing you had on your person as my own.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional.
   
   • Two (2) first place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card for which to purchase booty.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. Also, honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances unless bribery is involved.

Seventeen Syllables of Shame

Yesterday, I abused Stephanie Thornton’s Haiku Blogfest for my own purposes. I feel my actions were justified because I was not promoting myself so much as I was promoting a way for the other blogfest participants and readers to win some cold hard cash.¹ Yet, while some people considered my entry witty or creative, others were less than amused.

It has been said that all great art is controversial. And now, thanks to my little stunt yesterday, I have proven that art that is mediocre at best can be controversial, too. (See? I did it for science!)

Anyway, to make up for my insolence, I shall share five more (5! more!) haiku today. Come, let us celebrate Day 2 of the Haiku Blogfest!

First, here’s one related to my novel:

What is that I hear?
Invisible monkeys? Crap!
This doesn’t bode well.

Second, a twist on traditional haiku imagery:

The bough sinks lower
Claws grip the cherry blossoms
Hang in there, kitty

Third, the one I performed at my sister’s wedding last year:

This is a haiku
For both Josh and Naomi
On their wedding day

Then, a short fairy tale:

Once upon a time,
In a land far, far away,
Stuff happened. The End.

And we’ll end with a true story:

Beneath the willow
A cool breeze, or winds of change?
Tomorrow I wed.

If you haven’t had enough yet, you can also check out all the ninja haiku (and the limerick!) submitted for my other contest earlier this year.

So, am I absolved?

(Note: I will announce the winners of the contest at the heart of this controversy later today.)


¹ Which is neither cold, nor hard, nor cash. (Amazon gift cards in their digital form are more warm and fuzzy cash-equivalents, don’t you think?)

In Which I Blatantly Use a Blogfest to Promote My Own Contest

 
Amazon gift cards:
Enter my contest to win.
You know you want to.


This piece of blatant advertising has been brought to you by the letter Q and the number 13, and may get me kicked out of Stephanie Thornton’s Haiku Blogfest. Luckily, it’s a two-day affair; I shall do what I can to redeem myself tomorrow.