The Velocirapture Is Upon Us!

The world ends today. That's what people say. Yet no one's told us how it's going to end. Until now, that is.

Get indoors while you still can, and hold your loved ones close. It's the velocirapture!

But it's not the one you think. You probably assume I'm talking about ravenous dinosaurs tearing the world's population to pieces. Uhhhh, nope. There's no way that could happen in one day. Think about it: If there were enough cretaceous creatures to do that, don't you think some of them would have made the news by now?

No, the velocirapture isn't about raptors. It's about velocity.

You probably haven't noticed any difference yet, but the Earth has already started to rotate a little faster on its axis. Throughout the day, its speed will increase exponentially until life on the planet has been all but eradicated.

You'll soon notice the winds start to pick up, all from the east. Gale-strength winds, followed by hurricane-strength, and building from there. The sun will appear to slide across the sky. It'll set very early, then rise and set again in quicker and quicker succession.

And at first it'll be just that: people and things being blown around and knocked over by strong winds. The oceans will begin to flood islands and east coast towns. But eventually the centrifugal force will overcome the force of gravity, and believers and non-believers alike will be cast into the heavens. Those lucky souls who are inside will be cast into ceilings instead, but their survival will be short-lived. As the Earth's velocity increases, the buildings themselves will be ripped from the ground and hurled into the deep recesses of space. The oceans and much of the ground will soon follow. By the morning of December 22, there will be little left of Earth but a spinning molten core.

What Have I Done to Prepare for My Survival?
Nothing. I'm just as screwed as the rest of you. The only six people to survive will be the ones already in space, unless they are inadvertently hit by hurtling apocalyptic debris. And unless one of them learns to grow ovaries, we as a race are doomed.

But look at the bright side. At least it's Friday.



This post was written for the Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest, hosted by Chuck at Apocalypse Now and Shannon of The Warrior Muse. Go now — and I mean now, because the world is ending, people! — and check out all the other apocalypses.

Be Grateful This Title Contains No Puns

Today I'm participating in the Early Bird Thanksgiving Blogfest (hosted by Jeffrey Beesler over at World of the Scribe), which I'd hoped would allow me to celebrate Thanksgiving a day early, since it is my favorite holiday. Alas, no. All it means is I'll be gushing on about the things I'm most grateful for. Not that I gush; it's not really my style.

So, behold! Me not gushing:

• I have a fantastic group of friends (and internet friends) who find me more entertaining than annoying. For this I am grateful.
   
• As movies and television increasingly shy away from anything original and untested, books remain an outlet for creativity. For this I am grateful.
   
• It's been almost two days since my cat last used the tub as her litter box. For this I am grateful.
   
• I could have been raised by racists or bigots. Yet, thanks in part to a family with both straight white Republican Jews and gay black Christian Democrats in it (not to mention atheists and agnostics, capitalists and communists, lawyers and librarians, vegetarians and veal-lovers), I have no prejudice except against the Yankees. For this I am grateful.
   
• On September 5, 2010, I was not killed by ninjas. For this I am grateful.
   
• Last summer I fell 30 feet to my death but didn't die. For this I am grateful. (So so so very grateful.)
   
• I have over a dozen ideas for novels and short stories, and not one of them involves a vampyre, færie, or wêrewölff. For this I am eternally grateful.
   
• And lastly, Denise could have laughed or told me to piss off. Instead, she said yes. For this I am more grateful than I can put into words.¹
   

I wish each and every one of you the happiest Thanksgiving ever, in the entire history of the world. Even if you're Canadian and already celebrated it last month. Or if you're not celebrating it at all. Or if you're a Yankees fan.²

There's so much to be grateful for, so be grateful. And have a wonderful holiday!


¹ Yet, by saying I couldn't put my sentiment into words, I put it into words. Sometimes my talent amazes even me.
² Especially if you're a Yankees fan. Of course, your turkey was cooked back in mid-October.

Seventeen Syllables of Shame

Yesterday, I abused Stephanie Thornton’s Haiku Blogfest for my own purposes. I feel my actions were justified because I was not promoting myself so much as I was promoting a way for the other blogfest participants and readers to win some cold hard cash.¹ Yet, while some people considered my entry witty or creative, others were less than amused.

It has been said that all great art is controversial. And now, thanks to my little stunt yesterday, I have proven that art that is mediocre at best can be controversial, too. (See? I did it for science!)

Anyway, to make up for my insolence, I shall share five more (5! more!) haiku today. Come, let us celebrate Day 2 of the Haiku Blogfest!

First, here’s one related to my novel:

What is that I hear?
Invisible monkeys? Crap!
This doesn’t bode well.

Second, a twist on traditional haiku imagery:

The bough sinks lower
Claws grip the cherry blossoms
Hang in there, kitty

Third, the one I performed at my sister’s wedding last year:

This is a haiku
For both Josh and Naomi
On their wedding day

Then, a short fairy tale:

Once upon a time,
In a land far, far away,
Stuff happened. The End.

And we’ll end with a true story:

Beneath the willow
A cool breeze, or winds of change?
Tomorrow I wed.

If you haven’t had enough yet, you can also check out all the ninja haiku (and the limerick!) submitted for my other contest earlier this year.

So, am I absolved?

(Note: I will announce the winners of the contest at the heart of this controversy later today.)


¹ Which is neither cold, nor hard, nor cash. (Amazon gift cards in their digital form are more warm and fuzzy cash-equivalents, don’t you think?)

In Which I Blatantly Use a Blogfest to Promote My Own Contest

 
Amazon gift cards:
Enter my contest to win.
You know you want to.


This piece of blatant advertising has been brought to you by the letter Q and the number 13, and may get me kicked out of Stephanie Thornton’s Haiku Blogfest. Luckily, it’s a two-day affair; I shall do what I can to redeem myself tomorrow.