The Velocirapture Is Upon Us!

The world ends today. That's what people say. Yet no one's told us how it's going to end. Until now, that is.

Get indoors while you still can, and hold your loved ones close. It's the velocirapture!

But it's not the one you think. You probably assume I'm talking about ravenous dinosaurs tearing the world's population to pieces. Uhhhh, nope. There's no way that could happen in one day. Think about it: If there were enough cretaceous creatures to do that, don't you think some of them would have made the news by now?

No, the velocirapture isn't about raptors. It's about velocity.

You probably haven't noticed any difference yet, but the Earth has already started to rotate a little faster on its axis. Throughout the day, its speed will increase exponentially until life on the planet has been all but eradicated.

You'll soon notice the winds start to pick up, all from the east. Gale-strength winds, followed by hurricane-strength, and building from there. The sun will appear to slide across the sky. It'll set very early, then rise and set again in quicker and quicker succession.

And at first it'll be just that: people and things being blown around and knocked over by strong winds. The oceans will begin to flood islands and east coast towns. But eventually the centrifugal force will overcome the force of gravity, and believers and non-believers alike will be cast into the heavens. Those lucky souls who are inside will be cast into ceilings instead, but their survival will be short-lived. As the Earth's velocity increases, the buildings themselves will be ripped from the ground and hurled into the deep recesses of space. The oceans and much of the ground will soon follow. By the morning of December 22, there will be little left of Earth but a spinning molten core.

What Have I Done to Prepare for My Survival?
Nothing. I'm just as screwed as the rest of you. The only six people to survive will be the ones already in space, unless they are inadvertently hit by hurtling apocalyptic debris. And unless one of them learns to grow ovaries, we as a race are doomed.

But look at the bright side. At least it's Friday.



This post was written for the Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest, hosted by Chuck at Apocalypse Now and Shannon of The Warrior Muse. Go now — and I mean now, because the world is ending, people! — and check out all the other apocalypses.

Vampires vs. Velociraptors!

For those interested in the results of the A to Z Contest, I'll be posting the winners tomorrow. In the meantime, I suggest you keep reading. It could very well save your life.

In this corner, weighing in at 172 pounds, the veritable villain of violent vivisection, the virulent virtuoso of vicissitude, the vicious violator of his victims' every viable vessel, the valiant vampire vicar of Vladivostok... Vladimir the Eviscerator!

(The crowd roars.)

And in this corner, weighing in at 241 pounds, the vile viper of visceral—and he's out of his corner! V-Rap has ignored all protocol and leapt at Vlad before the bell sounded!

V-Rap snaps his jaw closed upon a puff of black smoke as the vamp manages a timely escape, morphing into his bat form at the last possible moment. And he shifts back in mid-air! Vlad has dropped down on top of the raptor, his black cape rippling behind him, and has V-Rap by the neck! The ref—yes, it looks like the ref is trying to stop the fight and—ooooh, there go his innards. That was a rookie mistake by the veteran official there. V-Rap was already struggling to get his little forearms to reach Vlad, and the ref got too close.

I should take this time to remind our listeners that V-Rap is a Jurassic Park-style velociraptor, which is why he's about eight times larger than the traditional 30-lb raptors. But his size isn't helping him against Vlad the Eviscerator. The blood is really starting to flow from ol' Rap's neck.

Oh! And he's leapt from the ring! V-Rap's jumped, and he hits the concrete hard, the impact shaking Vlad loose. The crowd scatters in all directions, retreating to the back of the arena. But wait, V-Rap looks weakened by the blood loss, and he may have hurt his leg in the landing. Indeed, the lizard is limping, and he's actually backing away as the vampire vicar approaches, with V-Rap's blood dripping from his fangs.

I can't believe it. V-Rap is cowering! He must really be in pain. And Vlad is ready to finish him off. He leans in, and—holy cow! Another raptor has come from out of nowhere and tackled Vlad, the man's chest caught in its razor-sharp teeth. It looks like, yes, V-Rap's brother. It's Velo, who has plenty of vitriol for Vlad and his ilk after his devastating loss here last month.

And V-Rap is back up to his full height, gliding smoothly over to where Velo is. His frailty was all a ploy! Of course! Raptors are known for working together and luring in their prey! And boy, Vlad is not looking at all well. It can't just be from Velo's teeth and talons; from Vlad's sallow complexion I have to wager Velo gorged some garlic before entering the arena.

It looks like this could be the end for Vlad the Eviscerator, since there's no referee left standing to call the fight and spare him. But hold on! What's this? Four vampires have just dropped down from the rafters and alit upon V-Rap, wasting no time in sinking their fangs into the big lizard. At least, they look like vampires, although for some reason two of them seem to be sparkling under the arena's lights. Perhaps they rushed here from the glitter convention across town.

Anyway, it looks like they're trying to bargain for their friend. V-Rap's life for Vlad's. And Velo's relenting! He's slowly opening his jaw to release the vampire vicar, who I must say looks simply horrible, even for the undead. I don't know if he'll ever be able to recover from those ragged wounds, but these vamps are remarkably resilient, so I wouldn't put anything past them.

So, fight fans, it looks like this one's going to end in a draw, and... um... who's that man waving to us as he exits through the side entrance? That looked like the guy from V for Vendetta, didn't it? Why would he—oh, crap. Who decided to hold this fight in the Parliament building?! Let me outta—

(Explodes.)


This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, hosted by Jeffrey Beesler and seven others. Go check out the other participants!