Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Monday, June 4, 2012

And Then I Made a 10-Footer

I haven't blogged much lately.1 So2 I thought,3 to4 make it up5 to you6 (or at least those of you with a footnote fetish),7 I would put together an epic post.8 Instead, I wrote this. Sorry!9 That's Life.10


1 Sure, I'm focusing more on my novel (progress is slow but steady), but I also have a nearly 11-month -old (assisted walking is fast but steady), and beneath the carpet in our dining room we discovered linoleum (removal is very slow but for the love of all that is holy, who puts linoleum on top of hardwood?!).

2 A needle pulling thread... walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You can't drag all that in here. I'm gonna have to cut you off."
"Darn it!" says the needle. "Quit hemming and hawing. Just give me a beer."
"Oh, you come bobbin in here and want me to tailor my business to your needs? Go lose yourself in a haystack."
"Mother of Pearl! Did you just...? Look me in the eye and say that again."
The bartender smiled pointedly. "Hey, no need to come unraveled."
"You think this is funny?"
"Well, you've got me in stitches."
The needle stalked out. "Cross my heart, I hope you die."
"Prick."

3 A dangerous proposition. The more I think, the more confused everyone else gets.

4 A dangerous preposition. I mean, it's involved in all sorts of horrifying things (e.g. death to infidels, a license to kill, From Justin to Kelly).

5 I like making things up. Stories, characters, excuses, lists of demands, tests, counters, you name it. Pretty much everything except my mind. Oh, and the bed. I don't see the point.

6 And when I say "make it up to you," of course I mean "make me feel less guilty about blogging less. What, you thought this was about you? Get over yourself. It's about me.

7 For they are the most susceptible to the advanced stages of blogoscopic footnotosis (formerly acute footnote withdrawal and wheelfiritis). Additional symptoms include stink eye, needle nose, pencil neck, cold shoulder, stiff arm, dead man's hand, wooden chest, flash back, bottom line, peg leg, and chicken foot.

8 You know, an exceptionally grandiose blog entry that will change the world. Or a 20-foot-high fence stake intricately carved to tell the entire story of the Iliad. Or an appointment as Über-Delegate to the Grand Poobah of Everything. One of those.

9 A game for 2-4 players.

10 A game for 2-6 players. In which, just like real life, you get a free car before your first job and get to drive it without a license. Of course, if you combine the game with Sorry!, you could end up back at the start, and become a polygamist working multiple jobs to make ends meet. (You might think this is a lame end to the post, but again, it's not all about you. It's about me. As long as I entertain one person, I'm happy. And Mikey, he likes it.)

19 comments:

  1. Hilarious! Yeah, it's all about you. And the linoleum.

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    1. I don't know about giving the linoleum equal billing... in another day or two, it'll be out of the picture.

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  2. Footnotes are what I needed to make my morning better, yes. Also, the last time I made my bed was when I bought a new comforter cover and wanted to see what it looked like.

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    1. Oh, I make the bed most mornings, but that's not to say I like it. But Denise likes it, and that's the important thing.

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  3. I am in awe of footnote number two.

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    1. Thanks, Joe! I do believe it may be some of my finest (needle) work.

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  4. Wait... you can't drive without a licence? Uh-oh.

    Footnote #2 is beyond awesome.

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    1. What are you talking about? Of course you can drive without a license. You just have to then abide by "laws" just in case there are cops around, and what's the fun in that?

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    2. And hey, now that I've been beyond awesome, let me tell you: it's pretty great. So much better than being beyond bed & bath.

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  5. Heheehehehee...
    ...so glad you're focusing more on your novel--not that I don't love these footnotes! :) By the way, does your novel have footnotes?

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    1. Alas, my current novel is completely barren of footnotes. I suppose I may have to add them in during rewrite if I want anyone to actually read the thing, but I'm not sure they're a good fit for the style of story. We'll see.

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  6. Why was there carpet over the linoleum?

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    1. While linoleum over hardwood doesn't make a lick of sense (and trust me on this--don't lick the linoleum), the carpet is entirely justified. The house-flipper didn't want to deal with the linoleum. And I don't blame him for that. (I blame him for carpeting the stairs unnecessarily, and for adding drywall to a basement that used to flood, but those are entirely different matters.)

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  7. I'll be waiting for pictures of the "epic post" Totem pole.

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    1. You may be waiting quite a long time... but wait! I have a picture of a totem pole! I can just share that and say it's the epic post. (Dear anonymous, don't read this reply, so I can get away with such chicanery.)

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  8. Sorry and Life...two games I played the hell out of as a kid. And what is up with people who tile hardwood??? Everytime I hear or see that I cannot figure it out. Carry on with your Totem theme...

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    1. Oh, people who tile hardwood have a very good reason: they're idiots. And hey, thanks for playing the hell out of those games. That meant when I got to them a couple years later, they were hell-free, and I got to have an innocent childhood.

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  9. Oh, you make me laugh!!! :-) Thank you!

    BTW - I have a couple of awards for you at my blog today.

    And what crazy person puts linoleum over hardwoord? Someone who wants a padded room.

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    1. Actually, it was the house-flipper who came in and saw the linoleum who wanted a padded room. Installing that carpet was perhaps the only sane thing he did. (What crazy person puts drywall in a basement that floods?)

      But thanks for the awards! I'll try to share them soon(-ish).

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