Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Monday, June 18, 2012

In a Galaxy Bar, Far Away

The bar was closed Saturday for renovations (hallway and dining room floors) and Sunday for private functions (my first Father's Day and first improv performance). But we've opened the doors once again to new customers.

It all began with a needle pulling thread. Then a sea-monkey entered the conversation, followed by a priest, a rabbi, and a hooker and a bowl of Rice Krispies.

Today's suggestion comes courtesy of Alex J. Cavanaugh:
Jabba the Hutt walks into a bar.1 The place is a pit, and the girls slaving over the tables would rather work elsewhere, perhaps in chains. But it's got cheap drinks and is the only spot from which he can see three P.O. boxes he needs to watch.2

Three of the girls are commiserating by the bar. "And Miss Fancy-Pants there in the corner booth? Says her food was chewy. You believe that princess lay a dime down right in front of me, as my tip?"

"She can't treat you that way just because her husband is a count, duke, or whatever. You need to maul her. Go all qui-gon jinn on her ass."

"It's called taekwondo, Tina. But no, I don't have the energy. I think it's this Atkins diet. After work today I'm gonna do, just in case, a carbo-night."

"Well, then do your psycho routine. Scare her into giving a larger tip."

"Yeah, Mary, you should be a psycho. Oh, be one, 'kay?"

"No, be one yourself."

The bartender tapped Mary on the shoulder. "Waiting to order Jabba is."

"Can Tina do it?"

"Too many tables already she has. For you this is."

"Fine." Mary walks over to Jabba's table. "What'll you have?"

"Bonobo hobo moba cheeso."

"Sorry, what was that?"

The Russian from the next table leans over. "He say he feel sluggish, vant pick-me-up. Like Skyy Wodka in one Solo® cup."

She returns to the bar and gives the bartender the order.

"Okay, I'll get that for him. Don't get too close when you give it to him, though; use the forceps. Oh, and before you head back over there..." He hands her a small glass. "...serve Greedo's shot first."

And if you thought today's was bad, watch out! Tomorrow's special is tuberculosis.

1 You might think he would slither, but no... ewok.
2 Technically, he could also watch from the Admiral Ack Bar next door, but he won't set foot in there again (figuratively speaking) because, as he says, "Itsa crap!"


  1. I just read recently how so often action takes place in a bar, especially in fantasy/sci fi novels. And movies!

    1. And yet, in none of these scenes so far has any action taken place. It's all conversation. I'll have to work on that.

  2. Replies
    1. Thanks, Alex. And thanks again for sending Jabba into the bar in the first place.

  3. Use the forceps!

    And I'm writing the third book in a fantasy series, and only half way through it did my characters finally walk into a bar. No action took place there, though. Just interviewing witnesses to a kidnapping. Maybe I should have them start a fight, just on principle.

    Two dragons walk into a bar, and find some useful clues...

    1. I've started five books so far (finished none), and have ideas for a few others, yet the only one with with a scene in a bar is the only one I'm abandoning. Apparently, unless it's chock full of puns, bars aren't my scene.

    2. And wait, are you implying your novel has two dragons interviewing witnesses in a bar? I think I need to read this, bar fight or not...

  4. *giggles* Nice little tale there!

    1. Thanks, Hart. I try. (Oh, wait, that goes against everything Yoda stood for. Rather than try, I do.)

  5. I believe I've ordered a few bonobo hobos myself.

    You're a punny guy, Nate. Giggling and snorting.

    1. I suppose sometimes I have a little too much pun, but I'm glad I could amuse.