Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Thursday, June 14, 2012

At the Bar Mitzvah

It began with a needle pulling thread. Yesterday, a sea-monkey entered the conversation. And if you thought those were bad, you ain't read nothing yet.

Today's suggestion comes from my friend Brian, via Facebook:

A priest, a rabbi, and a hooker walk into a bar. The priest orders a virgin Bloody Mary, then joins the others at a booth. He finds the rabbi with a Hooker to his lips; the hooker is enjoying her first He'Brew.

"I must confess," he says, "This is highly unorthodox."

"You see, Jason," says the hooker, "I have this spiritual hole I need to fill. I figured you two could guide me, you know, biblically speaking. And rather than screw around, I thought I'd have you both at once."

The priest eyed his competition. "Well, Norah, if you come with me you might end up in a missionary position."

"Jesus Christ!" says the rabbi. "Quit pimping your religion. She's just looking for spiritual guidance."

"No need to be cross. It was just a proposition."

"Don't crucify me, I'm trying to help. Now, the Torah is kept in this thing called—"

"Hell no, not another one of your ark tangents. Like you said, David, she wants spiritual guidance."

The hooker bangs on the table. "Look," she says. "Stop whining about spirits. And remember, I'm a lay person. So drop the religious jargon, Jason. Quit being so priestly."

"For the love of God!"

"Oh, calm down. I was just trying to get a rise out of you." She takes one last swallow of He'Brew. "Ugh, I feel sick. I'm gonna find a john and pray to the porcelain god."

She heads for the exit instead. The rabbi goes to her and says, "We're just men, Norah. But hey, if you want to talk later, give me a call, girl." She brushes him off and leaves to walk the streets home.

He returns to the table. The priest shakes his head and says, "You're a star, David."

Not that it matters, but every single time I tried to type rabbi it initially came out as rabbit. If I'd kept it that way, it would've been cuter, but with lots more screwing.

Anyway, our next visitor to the bar will be a bowl of Rice Krispies. (And if you haven't yet made a suggestion, I'll leave the request lines open just a little while longer...)

10 comments:

  1. LMAO. Bravo. You have managed to be deliciously witty and probably piss off a lot of peeps, all at the same time. Love your style, Nate.

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    1. Well, I do love being witty and pissing off the religious, right? Thanks, Beverly!

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  2. I don't think you could've inserted more religious terms if you tried!

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    1. Challenge accepted!

      Actually, on second thought, challenge unaccepted. I don't have the time. But I'll have you know I did leave plenty out. For instance, perhaps the priest discovers his drink is wholly water, or the rabbi wants to run wild so his tzitzis fly.

      (Pew, those stink.)

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  3. I'd definitely like to see the rabbit version of this one.

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    1. Well, for the quick and dirty version, just add t. (Unfortunately, because I'm lazy, that's your only option.)

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  4. Hahahahahaha! Looking forward to the Rice Krispies.

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    1. Excellent! Although I haven't decided if I'm going to stick with Rice Krispies, or post Raisin Bran instead.

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  5. Who's psalms do you have to grease to get into this bar?

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    1. Ha! Well played, El Julio. Well played.

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