No, I’m not talking about the last of Lost. Sure, I may have been caught completely off-guard when Walt turned up with his army of fire-breathing polar bears to take back the island, or when Rose pointed to Not-Locke’s ruby slippers and told him that he’d had the power to leave all along. But there’s already enough Lost conjecture clogging the internets, and I don’t want any part of that.
Besides, I’m still harping about ninja haiku.
Not only have none of the three winners contacted me to claim their free Japanese dinner, but I still don’t even know who one of them (Billypete) is. My father, in his haste to print out his Dishonorable Mention, didn’t even see that his own daughter had won. And, of the many people I called out for not submitting a haiku at all, only one took the time to mollify me with an excuse...
It turns out that she did submit a haiku. However, it wasn’t a ninja-related haiku; the haiku itself was a ninja. That’s why I hadn’t seen it.
Upon learning this, I involuntarily shivered. How many other ninja haiku had skulked across the rooftops of the blogosphere, climbed surreptitiously in through an open-source window, and perhaps sliced the throats of other, innocent haiku with small daggers† before stealing away into the night with unclaimed Japanese dinners I didn’t even know were missing? How many? Five? Seven?*
I felt sick, thinking about the horrors I had unleashed upon the literary world. I knew in that moment that I would never again hold a ninja haiku contest. And I’m a man of my word: Next time, I’ll be sure to choose a kinder, gentler haiku subject. You know, like babies. Or puppies. Or smoke monsters.
† Or other cutting-edge technology.
* Five, probably.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
A Quick and Dirty Dozen
I’ve been known to write the occasional book review, but I don’t have time to review every book I read. Besides, peoples’ attention spans are getting shorter by the day,1 and no one wants to slog through an entire review any more. That’d be almost as bad as reading the book itself.
Thus, I present to you the 12-pack: One dozen short reviews, covering a handful of my most recent conquests.
1 Officially 1.26 microseconds shorter, after that earthquake in Chile.
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Pretend, for a moment, that I’m a guy. Guys don’t read 500+ page love stories. Yet, right from the opening scene (I don’t count the unnecessary prologue as the opening scene), I was hooked. With time travel involved, Clare can first meet Henry when he’s 35, and he can first meet her 14 years later when he’s 28, and it all makes perfect sense. It’s a very clever premise, and Niffenegger handles it deftly; my only complaint is that the book feels incomplete. Since the focus is primarily on their relationship, we learn of Henry’s time-traveling exploits involving Clare, but get little more than hints of such visits to other friends and family. I wanted to explore all the time-traveling possibilities, but alas, I was stuck in a love story. A pretty damn good one, but still.
I Was Told There’d Be Cake by Sloane Crosley
The book jacket hypes her as the next David Sedaris, the next Sarah Vowell, the next Dorothy Parker. Even if, like me, you think Sedaris is overrated,2 those are some lofty comparisons for a first-time author. So, does my former college classmate measure up?
No, not quite. I Was Told There’d Be Cake has touches of brilliance, but overall the writing is uneven, and it’s rarely as funny as it’s trying to be. Surprisingly, my favorite essay employed two tactics that usually repulse me (2nd person narrative and scatalogical humor), while the promising “Bring-Your-Machete-To-Work Day” — about the computer game Oregon Trail — failed to hold my interest. Nevertheless, with her sardonic wit, perhaps Sloane will begin to fulfill what the book jacket promised when her sophomore effort comes out this summer.
2 He is, you know. Unless he’s reading his own material, in which case the rating is spot on.
Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog) by Jerome K. Jerome
Although this pseudo-travelogue, originally published in 1889, may begin to physically shed its pages halfway through your reading — as it did for me — its sense of humor remains intact even today. Yes, Jerome might go off on a boring tangent once in a while, but since tangents had only just been discovered earlier that decade, I’ll forgive him such missteps. Had I known more about boating, or been more familiar with the fascinations of the day, I might have enjoyed the book even more. But, I didn’t.
The Invisible Kingdom: From the Tips of Our Fingers to the Tops of Our Trash, Inside the Curious World of Microbes by Idan Ben-Barak
Invisible Kingdom’s introduction promised fascinating tales of microscopic entities, accompanied by copious humor and footnotes.3 The latter were indeed plentiful, though Ben-Barak’s humor never really lived up to my expectations: a chuckle here and there, but really only one laugh-out-loud moment. And while microbes are indeed interesting little buggers – four instance, I had no idea E. coli was doing such good in the world – the book as a whole felt disjointed, because Ben-Barak often chose to cover each microbe separately, without any real segues, rather than create a flowing narrative within each chapter. I was hoping to find another non-fiction treat along the lines of A Short History of Nearly Everything, or perhaps another Stiff, but sadly, it was not to be.
3 Woooo! Footnotes!
The Well of Lost Plots by Jasper Fforde
If you love the written word, and grammar-related humor in particular, then you should read the Thursday Next series, where books are policed by literary detectives. Start with the The Eyre Affair, though; this third installment (of five) isn’t as strong as its forerunners. This is partly because the plot thickens, by which I mean it congeals and doesn’t really go anywhere, and partly because the story is entirely fictional, by which I mean it takes place wholly in the BookWorld, rather than in the “real world” (a.k.a. an alternate 1980s England). Nevertheless, this book does boast one of the best literary exchanges ever in regard to grammar: the “had had” and “that that” problem. Check it out.
Coronado by Dennis Lehane
Dennis Lehane: Fantastic mystery/thriller novelist. Crappy short story writer.
The six stories (technically, five stories and one play) probably would’ve been better if he’d stuck to what he knows: mysteries that take place in and around Boston. That, or he could’ve added monkeys. Everything’s better with monkeys.4
4 Even monkeys.
The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis
Take it from me: Never revisit your childhood favorites. The Neverending Story (the movie) was blah. The Phantom Tollbooth dragged. And M.C. Hammer was a load of crap. Yet, because I’d enjoyed The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as a kid, I thought I’d relive the magic by reading the entire seven-book set.
Once I got past the nostalgia of the first book, the series was chock-full of inconsistent narration (mostly 3rd person, sometimes 1st), odd morals (Never eat a talking animal...oh, it’s dumb? Then dig in!), and a new set of child protagonists every time (whose personalities are all pretty much interchangeable). The stories were dull and the ending unappealing. I should have left my memories of Narnia locked up safe in the wardrobe of my brain.
Some people never learn.
The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes by Neil Gaiman
The personification of Dream is imprisoned for seventy years, then escapes and goes about reacquiring the instruments of his office. Though this collection, containing the first eight comics in the Sandman series, isn’t Gaiman’s best work, that certainly doesn’t mean it’s bad. Calling it good doesn’t do it justice, either.
It’s better than good. It’s Gaiman.TM
Take the Cannoli by Sarah Vowell
Nine out of ten doctors agree: Cannoli are healthier than guns. If you get shot with a cannoli, it won’t end your life; it just ends the life of the designer blouse that you’re wearing.5
Of course, all of this has little to do with Vowell’s book. She has this flair for weaving historical details into her own experiences, and vice versa. Take the Cannoli may not be as polished as some of her later works, but you can read about such divergent topics as her very first goth makeover, the suffering of the Cherokee along the Trail of Tears, and the time she helped her father fire off a cannoli. Er, cannon.
5 No, I’m not wearing a blouse. You are.
Wish I Could Be There: Notes From a Phobic Life by Allen Shawn
What’s that? Wallace Shawn’s brother wrote a book? And he has something like ten different phobias? That’s got to be an extremely insightful, engaging, and enjoyable read, right?
Yes, no, and no. While Allen Shawn delves deep into his own psyche to try to understand his many fears, he does so with few personal stories or anecdotes about his family. Indeed, much of the book reads like a scientific text. I’m sure it’s a fine book, but Shawn’s quest for knowledge didn’t quite jell with my selfish wish to be entertained, and thus, I gave up halfway through. Without reading the whole thing, I can’t fairly assign a rating... which might be for the best, considering Shawn probably has an irrational fear of flaming wheels.
The Weed That Strings the Hangman’s Bag by Alan Bradley
Eleven-year-old Flavia de Luce is back, and sleuthier than ever. The opening scene may not pack quite the same punch as that of its predecessor, and it does take a bit longer to get to the meat of the story, but with Flavia once again giving the locals a run for their money as she tracks down a murderer, it sure doesn’t lack for entertainment.
Twelve Red Herrings by Jeffrey Archer
When a book comes right out and tells you that each of its stories has a red herring in it, that sort of defeats the purpose. Overall, the twelve tales were fun and well-written, but because I read each story looking for the twist or the misdirection, I caught it almost every time.
My biggest complaint, however, is with the last one in the collection. It’s a guy-meets-girl type of story, and Archer decided to provide four different endings. I usually enjoy that sort of thing, since we get to see how a small change in dialogue, manner, or timing can effect an enormous change on the full story line. Yet Archer goes about it all wrong. The main character is supposed to be the constant in such stories, with the world changing around him. But instead, in two of the four endings, the character’s back story is completely different. That threw me off, and made the tales less enjoyable.
Or maybe that was the point: those were the red herrings. Damn it, Archer! You tricked me!6
6 You'd have gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling kids (to say nothing of their dog).
Thus, I present to you the 12-pack: One dozen short reviews, covering a handful of my most recent conquests.
1 Officially 1.26 microseconds shorter, after that earthquake in Chile.
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Pretend, for a moment, that I’m a guy. Guys don’t read 500+ page love stories. Yet, right from the opening scene (I don’t count the unnecessary prologue as the opening scene), I was hooked. With time travel involved, Clare can first meet Henry when he’s 35, and he can first meet her 14 years later when he’s 28, and it all makes perfect sense. It’s a very clever premise, and Niffenegger handles it deftly; my only complaint is that the book feels incomplete. Since the focus is primarily on their relationship, we learn of Henry’s time-traveling exploits involving Clare, but get little more than hints of such visits to other friends and family. I wanted to explore all the time-traveling possibilities, but alas, I was stuck in a love story. A pretty damn good one, but still.I Was Told There’d Be Cake by Sloane Crosley
The book jacket hypes her as the next David Sedaris, the next Sarah Vowell, the next Dorothy Parker. Even if, like me, you think Sedaris is overrated,2 those are some lofty comparisons for a first-time author. So, does my former college classmate measure up?No, not quite. I Was Told There’d Be Cake has touches of brilliance, but overall the writing is uneven, and it’s rarely as funny as it’s trying to be. Surprisingly, my favorite essay employed two tactics that usually repulse me (2nd person narrative and scatalogical humor), while the promising “Bring-Your-Machete-To-Work Day” — about the computer game Oregon Trail — failed to hold my interest. Nevertheless, with her sardonic wit, perhaps Sloane will begin to fulfill what the book jacket promised when her sophomore effort comes out this summer.
2 He is, you know. Unless he’s reading his own material, in which case the rating is spot on.
Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog) by Jerome K. Jerome
Although this pseudo-travelogue, originally published in 1889, may begin to physically shed its pages halfway through your reading — as it did for me — its sense of humor remains intact even today. Yes, Jerome might go off on a boring tangent once in a while, but since tangents had only just been discovered earlier that decade, I’ll forgive him such missteps. Had I known more about boating, or been more familiar with the fascinations of the day, I might have enjoyed the book even more. But, I didn’t.The Invisible Kingdom: From the Tips of Our Fingers to the Tops of Our Trash, Inside the Curious World of Microbes by Idan Ben-Barak
Invisible Kingdom’s introduction promised fascinating tales of microscopic entities, accompanied by copious humor and footnotes.3 The latter were indeed plentiful, though Ben-Barak’s humor never really lived up to my expectations: a chuckle here and there, but really only one laugh-out-loud moment. And while microbes are indeed interesting little buggers – four instance, I had no idea E. coli was doing such good in the world – the book as a whole felt disjointed, because Ben-Barak often chose to cover each microbe separately, without any real segues, rather than create a flowing narrative within each chapter. I was hoping to find another non-fiction treat along the lines of A Short History of Nearly Everything, or perhaps another Stiff, but sadly, it was not to be.3 Woooo! Footnotes!
The Well of Lost Plots by Jasper Fforde
If you love the written word, and grammar-related humor in particular, then you should read the Thursday Next series, where books are policed by literary detectives. Start with the The Eyre Affair, though; this third installment (of five) isn’t as strong as its forerunners. This is partly because the plot thickens, by which I mean it congeals and doesn’t really go anywhere, and partly because the story is entirely fictional, by which I mean it takes place wholly in the BookWorld, rather than in the “real world” (a.k.a. an alternate 1980s England). Nevertheless, this book does boast one of the best literary exchanges ever in regard to grammar: the “had had” and “that that” problem. Check it out.Coronado by Dennis Lehane
Dennis Lehane: Fantastic mystery/thriller novelist. Crappy short story writer.The six stories (technically, five stories and one play) probably would’ve been better if he’d stuck to what he knows: mysteries that take place in and around Boston. That, or he could’ve added monkeys. Everything’s better with monkeys.4
4 Even monkeys.
The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis
Take it from me: Never revisit your childhood favorites. The Neverending Story (the movie) was blah. The Phantom Tollbooth dragged. And M.C. Hammer was a load of crap. Yet, because I’d enjoyed The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as a kid, I thought I’d relive the magic by reading the entire seven-book set.Once I got past the nostalgia of the first book, the series was chock-full of inconsistent narration (mostly 3rd person, sometimes 1st), odd morals (Never eat a talking animal...oh, it’s dumb? Then dig in!), and a new set of child protagonists every time (whose personalities are all pretty much interchangeable). The stories were dull and the ending unappealing. I should have left my memories of Narnia locked up safe in the wardrobe of my brain.
Some people never learn.
The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes by Neil Gaiman
The personification of Dream is imprisoned for seventy years, then escapes and goes about reacquiring the instruments of his office. Though this collection, containing the first eight comics in the Sandman series, isn’t Gaiman’s best work, that certainly doesn’t mean it’s bad. Calling it good doesn’t do it justice, either.It’s better than good. It’s Gaiman.TM
Take the Cannoli by Sarah Vowell
Nine out of ten doctors agree: Cannoli are healthier than guns. If you get shot with a cannoli, it won’t end your life; it just ends the life of the designer blouse that you’re wearing.5Of course, all of this has little to do with Vowell’s book. She has this flair for weaving historical details into her own experiences, and vice versa. Take the Cannoli may not be as polished as some of her later works, but you can read about such divergent topics as her very first goth makeover, the suffering of the Cherokee along the Trail of Tears, and the time she helped her father fire off a cannoli. Er, cannon.
5 No, I’m not wearing a blouse. You are.
Wish I Could Be There: Notes From a Phobic Life by Allen Shawn
What’s that? Wallace Shawn’s brother wrote a book? And he has something like ten different phobias? That’s got to be an extremely insightful, engaging, and enjoyable read, right?Yes, no, and no. While Allen Shawn delves deep into his own psyche to try to understand his many fears, he does so with few personal stories or anecdotes about his family. Indeed, much of the book reads like a scientific text. I’m sure it’s a fine book, but Shawn’s quest for knowledge didn’t quite jell with my selfish wish to be entertained, and thus, I gave up halfway through. Without reading the whole thing, I can’t fairly assign a rating... which might be for the best, considering Shawn probably has an irrational fear of flaming wheels.
The Weed That Strings the Hangman’s Bag by Alan Bradley
Eleven-year-old Flavia de Luce is back, and sleuthier than ever. The opening scene may not pack quite the same punch as that of its predecessor, and it does take a bit longer to get to the meat of the story, but with Flavia once again giving the locals a run for their money as she tracks down a murderer, it sure doesn’t lack for entertainment.Twelve Red Herrings by Jeffrey Archer
When a book comes right out and tells you that each of its stories has a red herring in it, that sort of defeats the purpose. Overall, the twelve tales were fun and well-written, but because I read each story looking for the twist or the misdirection, I caught it almost every time.My biggest complaint, however, is with the last one in the collection. It’s a guy-meets-girl type of story, and Archer decided to provide four different endings. I usually enjoy that sort of thing, since we get to see how a small change in dialogue, manner, or timing can effect an enormous change on the full story line. Yet Archer goes about it all wrong. The main character is supposed to be the constant in such stories, with the world changing around him. But instead, in two of the four endings, the character’s back story is completely different. That threw me off, and made the tales less enjoyable.
Or maybe that was the point: those were the red herrings. Damn it, Archer! You tricked me!6
6 You'd have gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling kids (to say nothing of their dog).
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Ninja Haiku Contest Winners
First of all, a sincere thank you to everyone who helped make the Ninja Haiku Contest a success. To Denise and Sarah, who did whatever it is that people do on twitter with bite-size URLs and #marijuana-tags. And to my cousin Dan, who spread the word on Facebook by presenting his official entry (which wasn’t officially official, since he only posted it on Facebook).1 And of course, to all of you who participated by submitting such fantastic ninja haiku.
As for my creative friends out there who didn’t post any haiku — you know who you are — know that I am deeply saddened by your lack of submission. I was looking forward to seeing what you could come up with, and to having even more trouble choosing the winners. Yeah, I’m talking about you, my-many-friends-with-MLS-degrees.2 You, too, fellow-writer-who-recently-ran-off-to-another-company. And most of all, you, person-I-haven’t-mentioned-yet. To regain my trust and respect, I suggest you write me an email telling me why you failed to submit a haiku — the more outlandish the excuse, the better.3
Before I get to the winners, I must first share with you a special award which I had not intended to give out: the Dishonorable Mention. This goes to my father (BCFN), for managing to insult both haiku and Japanese cuisine in under seventeen syllables. Such a deed cannot go unpunished, and thus, I have changed the menu at my upcoming wedding reception to be nothing but Japanese food.4
Okay, enough of my rambling. On to the winners...
1 Leftover cake gone. / A ferret? A ninja? No. / My daughters. Again.
2 Depending on the institute of higher learning, MLS could be one of three things: Masters of Library Science, Major League Soccer, or the Megalomaniacal Librettist Society.
3 I realize two of you had a flooded basement. But that excuse isn’t outlandish enough. You’ll need to embellish: Perhaps the damage was caused by saintly sinner with psoriasis, or a pair of pink hippopotami.
4 That’s not actually true, but I’m hoping my dad doesn’t read footnotes.
And the Winners Are...
If you haven’t already, I suggest you go read all of the entries, especially since you won’t find any entries submitted by anonymous ninjas (such as this limerick!) among the winners. Plus, there are references to turtles, vampires, and zombies.
My judging was non-scientific, completely and utterly biased, and audited by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers.
Honorable Mention
I didn’t even realize this entry from xonmus was a haiku until the day after I first read it, since it was written all in one line. Were it actually ninja-related, it might have won, but technically it’s only ninja-haiku-contest-related (see rule #7). Still, you can’t get much more honorable than seppuku...
First Place – Humorous
I was feeling extra-generous (read: indecisive), so I broke my own contest rules. Thus, there will be three (3) first place winners, instead of only two.
I almost knocked this entry down to Honorable Mention because it was written by my sister Naomi, whom I sometimes buy dinner anyway. But in the end, the punchline won me over:
First Place – Traditional
And, in what seemed to be the tougher category, first-time commenter billypete takes home the prize for Traditional Haiku:
Billypete, you can email me at theothernate[at]yahoo.com to discuss how we’ll handle your prize. Naomi and Tandyman, let me know when you’d like me to take you out for Japanese. (I’ll be busy that day.)
Also, as an added bonus, winners can print out their very own hastily thrown-together certificates to show co-workers and friends just how awesome they are.
First Place certificate (PDF)
Honorable Mention certificate (PDF)
Here’s what they look like:
(click images to embiggen)
Update: My haiku-hating father whined about not getting a certificate of his own, so, dutiful son that I am, I made one just for him. Here's his Dishonorable Mention. (PDF)
Congratulations again to all the winners!
As for my creative friends out there who didn’t post any haiku — you know who you are — know that I am deeply saddened by your lack of submission. I was looking forward to seeing what you could come up with, and to having even more trouble choosing the winners. Yeah, I’m talking about you, my-many-friends-with-MLS-degrees.2 You, too, fellow-writer-who-recently-ran-off-to-another-company. And most of all, you, person-I-haven’t-mentioned-yet. To regain my trust and respect, I suggest you write me an email telling me why you failed to submit a haiku — the more outlandish the excuse, the better.3
Before I get to the winners, I must first share with you a special award which I had not intended to give out: the Dishonorable Mention. This goes to my father (BCFN), for managing to insult both haiku and Japanese cuisine in under seventeen syllables. Such a deed cannot go unpunished, and thus, I have changed the menu at my upcoming wedding reception to be nothing but Japanese food.4
Okay, enough of my rambling. On to the winners...
1 Leftover cake gone. / A ferret? A ninja? No. / My daughters. Again.
2 Depending on the institute of higher learning, MLS could be one of three things: Masters of Library Science, Major League Soccer, or the Megalomaniacal Librettist Society.
3 I realize two of you had a flooded basement. But that excuse isn’t outlandish enough. You’ll need to embellish: Perhaps the damage was caused by saintly sinner with psoriasis, or a pair of pink hippopotami.
4 That’s not actually true, but I’m hoping my dad doesn’t read footnotes.
And the Winners Are...
If you haven’t already, I suggest you go read all of the entries, especially since you won’t find any entries submitted by anonymous ninjas (such as this limerick!) among the winners. Plus, there are references to turtles, vampires, and zombies.
My judging was non-scientific, completely and utterly biased, and audited by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers.
Honorable Mention
I didn’t even realize this entry from xonmus was a haiku until the day after I first read it, since it was written all in one line. Were it actually ninja-related, it might have won, but technically it’s only ninja-haiku-contest-related (see rule #7). Still, you can’t get much more honorable than seppuku...
God damn – seppuku?Tandyman scores runner-up to the Traditional prize with this entry...
I’d have given it a shot,
but now I don’t know...
Black clad assassinsAnd Kyle is certainly right; ninjas are awesome:
wrapped in secrets and shadows.
Silent and unseen.
Ninjas are awesome.
They throw shurikens at me.
Now I am dead. Ow.
First Place – Humorous
I was feeling extra-generous (read: indecisive), so I broke my own contest rules. Thus, there will be three (3) first place winners, instead of only two.
I almost knocked this entry down to Honorable Mention because it was written by my sister Naomi, whom I sometimes buy dinner anyway. But in the end, the punchline won me over:
Ninja and PirateI almost knocked this entry down to Honorable Mention because I prefer a haiku’s phrasing to be natural, with an implied pause at the end of each line. Yet, despite its less-than-ideal phrasing, it gave me the biggest laugh. And the kicker? Even without the Select-Start, typing this code into Google Reader will, in fact, make ninjas appear. Courtesy of Tandyman:
Meet in a moldy dungeon.
Their love: forbidden.
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left,
Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select,
Start. Code of Ninjas.
First Place – Traditional
And, in what seemed to be the tougher category, first-time commenter billypete takes home the prize for Traditional Haiku:
you hear no footfalls
from the enclosing darkness,
just your heart’s last beat.
Billypete, you can email me at theothernate[at]yahoo.com to discuss how we’ll handle your prize. Naomi and Tandyman, let me know when you’d like me to take you out for Japanese. (I’ll be busy that day.)
Also, as an added bonus, winners can print out their very own hastily thrown-together certificates to show co-workers and friends just how awesome they are.
First Place certificate (PDF)
Honorable Mention certificate (PDF)
Here’s what they look like:
(click images to embiggen)
Update: My haiku-hating father whined about not getting a certificate of his own, so, dutiful son that I am, I made one just for him. Here's his Dishonorable Mention. (PDF)
Congratulations again to all the winners!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
5 Top 5s for 5/5 (Film Edition)
Last year, after I posted 10 Top 10s for 10/10 to critical yet fictional acclaim, I got to thinking. Lists of 10 are good and all, I thought, but 5 is a nice round number, too.1 How about I do another set of lists in May, only without putting in nearly as much effort?
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I have done. Behold: Five brand-spanking new Top 5s, for your reading pleasure.2
There are two main types of time travel movies: Those in which you can change the past; and those in which you can’t. As you may be able to tell from the list below, I tend to favor the latter approach.
As the all-powerful list czar, I decree that hyphenated names are acceptable, but names with little bits like “van” and “del” (which basically translate to “of”) are ineligible.3 Each actor is listed with three of his/her finest roles.
1 Well, except for those two pointy bits.
2 Spanking not included.
3 “Ivory” is also out.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I have done. Behold: Five brand-spanking new Top 5s, for your reading pleasure.2
There are two main types of time travel movies: Those in which you can change the past; and those in which you can’t. As you may be able to tell from the list below, I tend to favor the latter approach.
- 12 Monkeys (1995)
Some people may prefer the film it was based on, La Jetée (1962), but since I’ve never seen it, I can only say this: they’re wrong. - Back to the Future (1985)
1.21 gigawatts of excitement! - Los Cronocrímines (2007)
A Spanish film with a cast of 5 and the same 1-hour span repeated over and over. Certainly better than its translated-into-English title of Time Crimes would have you believe. - Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1995)
I haven’t seen this in ages, so the special effects may no longer be able to hold a candle to those in today’s films, but who needs candles when you’re from the future? - Primer (2004)
A holy mindfuck of a movie. People have mapped out the 9 parallel timelines, but I still feel this one is the most accurate.
- Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Bloody brilliant. - 28 Days Later... (2002)
Technically, this isn’t a zombie movie, since technically, they’re not zombies. But it’s my list, and I don’t care. - Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Yes, the remake of a sequel beats out Romero’s original. So sue me. (On second thought, don’t.) - Zombieland (2009)
Killer intro sequence. - Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Nothing beats a classic. Except four films from the past eight years...
- Footnote #1 in Paging Doctor Acula — (Let the Right One In)
Combined with a crack at Twilight? Bonus. - All of Doing Religious Right — (The Evil Dead trilogy)
- Last line/footnote #3 of And Then She Said Those Three Little Words... — (Real Genius)
- The last line of Give That Man a Medal — (The Hudsucker Proxy)
- Paul Giamatti impersonators in Day Twelve — (Big Fat Liar)
As the all-powerful list czar, I decree that hyphenated names are acceptable, but names with little bits like “van” and “del” (which basically translate to “of”) are ineligible.3 Each actor is listed with three of his/her finest roles.
- Daniel Day-Lewis
My Left Foot (1989), Gangs of New York (2002), There Will Be Blood (2007) - Philip Seymour Hoffman
Synechdoche, New York (2008), Charlie Wilson’s War (2007), Flawless (1999) - Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Brick (2005), Mysterious Skin (2004), The Lookout (2007) - Tommy Lee Jones
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005), In the Valley of Elah (2007), JFK (1991) - Helena Bonham Carter
Fight Club (1999), The Wings of the Dove (1997), Conversations with Other Women (2005)
- A 2007 remake of Casablanca with an all-penguin cast
What happened: The director was trying to feed off penguins’ recent rise in popularity, but test audiences didn’t buy the relationship between Rick and Ilsa. Also, the penguin actors kept mysteriously disappearing one by one; only after production ceased did they discover that the penguin playing Sam was, in fact, a polar bear.
- The Bible: A Jerry Bruckheimer Production
What happened: With Charlton Heston reprising his role as Moses, and Michael Bay directing, this eight-hour epic was well on its way to becoming the most exciting, expensive, explosive, and excessive rendition of the good book ever... until one fateful day in June 2007, when the entire cast of thousands was eaten by a swarm of locusts.
- Scabies!
What happened: This 1998 dramatization of the 1880s scabies outbreak had myriad troubles right from the start. Jude Law arrived on set every morning too doped up on horse tranquilizers to deliver his lines. Dame Judi Dench complained incessantly about the foam rubber scabie suit, saying it made her look like a giant lobster and was pretty sure it had actually given her scabies. Two weeks into shooting, Sir Ian McKellen was caught in a hotel room with three prostitutes, two nuclear warheads, and an expired jar of mayonnaise. When Marlee Matlin was found taking a flamethrower to the set for the second time in as many days, the producers pulled all funding.
- A 1960 remake of Citizen Kane, with Marlon Brando as Charles Foster Kane and Marilyn Monroe as Rosebud
What happened: Monroe’s contract stipulated that she appear in every scene, which kind of gave away the mystery right from scene one. And an irate Orson Welles showed up on set on numerous occasions, threatening the cast with a knife and asking, “Are you pondering what I’m pondering?” But the main culprit was a typo in the script: they had to scrap the entire film when it turned out that Kane was not supposed to be a newspaper magnet.
- Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
What happened: It got made into a movie.
1 Well, except for those two pointy bits.
2 Spanking not included.
3 “Ivory” is also out.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Ninja Haiku Contest!
**The contest has ended** (view the winners)Announcing The Wheel’s 1st Annual Haiku Contest!
This year’s theme: Ninjas.
Haiku are Japanese poetry. Ninjas are Japanese mercenaries. Yet ninjas are grossly under-represented in haiku while zombies (American), vampires (Transylvanian), and werewolves (in London) get immortalized in verse. It’s just not right.
Well, no more. It’s time for ninjas to get their day in the sun (whilst remaining in the shadows).
So, write your own ninja haiku in the comments for this blog post. Two lucky winners will receive a free dinner at the Japanese restaurant of their choice!
I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:
- Humorous/Creative
- Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)
Good luck!
Official Rules:
- To enter, post a ninja-related haiku in the comment section below. Include your name with each entry. If you don’t include your name, I’ll assume you’re a ninja and will run and hide rather consider your poem for a prize.
- Multiple submissions are allowed.
- Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, you bring shame upon yourself and every math teacher who ever taught you.
- Entries must be in English. (Translation: Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku. Since I won’t be able to understand your entry, you will finish in dead last. Because a ninja will kill you.)
- The contest is open until Friday, May 7, 2010 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you try to sneak an entry in after the deadline, I’ll assume you’re a ninja and that your entry is either poisoned or rigged to explode. Consequently, I will avoid your poem and you will not win.
- There is no rule 6.
- Prizes will be awarded in each of two categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional.
- Two (2) first place winners will receive: a free dinner at the Japanese restaurant of their choice, up to a value of... let’s say $25 or so. It is assumed that I will join you for this dinner. However, if you: a) don’t live anywhere near Connecticut, b) don’t actually know me, or c) can’t get within 500 yards of me due to that restraining order, this clause can be waived and we’ll work something out.
- An undetermined number of Honorable Mentions will receive: bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. They may also receive something like chopsticks or origami or Beverly Hills Ninja on VHS, though I haven’t made up my mind about that yet.
- All non-winners receive: dishonor, and are expected to commit ritual seppuku at their earliest convenience.
- I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria that I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances unless bribery is involved.
- No people were harmed in the creation of this contest... yet.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Jogging My Memory
I used to be a runner. No, not a runner for the mafia. And certainly never for reputed mob boss James Marcello. In fact, I’ve never heard of him.
Back in high school I ran five days a week for the cross-country and indoor track teams. I continued to run throughout college, though not as part of a team, and rarely more than once or twice a week. Since then, however, I’ve become increasingly sedentary.
In an attempt to break from this routine, a few days ago I went for my first run of the spring. It went pretty much as I’d expected:
No pain, no gain? Screw that. Why should I be miserable running when I can exercise just as easily by doing fun things, like playing volleyball or tennis?2 Especially now that I’m in my 30s, it’s become quite clear that there are perhaps only four acceptable reasons, ever, to run:
Maybe I’ll go for a run.
1 In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have worn those pants made of magnifying glasses.
2 This is a rhetorical question. To answer it, you must speak only in rhetoric.
3 If a “sport” doesn’t allow you to interact directly with your opponent, it’s not really a sport. To make it a real sport, all you have to do is put the words “full-contact” in front of its name (e.g. full-contact bowling, full-contact Magic the Gathering).
4 Yeah, this may not be the method so-called “experts” recommend — they say you should stand still and make yourself look as large as possible, because the experts obviously think we’re all peacocks or giant blowfish — but trust me: you should run. Run as fast as you can, and let the expert stay behind, holding the pic-a-nic basket and puffing out his cheeks, to see what happens.
Back in high school I ran five days a week for the cross-country and indoor track teams. I continued to run throughout college, though not as part of a team, and rarely more than once or twice a week. Since then, however, I’ve become increasingly sedentary.
In an attempt to break from this routine, a few days ago I went for my first run of the spring. It went pretty much as I’d expected:
- During the 1st mile of my run, I had tightness in my chest as my lungs struggled to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide at such an unprecedented rate.
- During the 2nd mile of my run, my lungs felt fine, but I was beset by stomach cramps and my calves began to burn.1
- During the 3rd mile of my run, I walked.
No pain, no gain? Screw that. Why should I be miserable running when I can exercise just as easily by doing fun things, like playing volleyball or tennis?2 Especially now that I’m in my 30s, it’s become quite clear that there are perhaps only four acceptable reasons, ever, to run:
- If you’re late, you’re late, for a very important date.
- In races with large payouts, for, with great money comes great fame and nookie.
- When playing sports. Real sports.3
- From a bear.4
Maybe I’ll go for a run.
1 In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have worn those pants made of magnifying glasses.
2 This is a rhetorical question. To answer it, you must speak only in rhetoric.
3 If a “sport” doesn’t allow you to interact directly with your opponent, it’s not really a sport. To make it a real sport, all you have to do is put the words “full-contact” in front of its name (e.g. full-contact bowling, full-contact Magic the Gathering).
4 Yeah, this may not be the method so-called “experts” recommend — they say you should stand still and make yourself look as large as possible, because the experts obviously think we’re all peacocks or giant blowfish — but trust me: you should run. Run as fast as you can, and let the expert stay behind, holding the pic-a-nic basket and puffing out his cheeks, to see what happens.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
To Be Discontinued...
With four and a half months remaining until our upcoming nuptials, Denise and I are a little behind with the wedding planning. We only chose a place for the reception two weeks ago. We haven’t selected a photographer, booked blocks of rooms at local hotels, or ordered the cake. Save-the-Date cards are designed, but not yet in the (e-)mail. It was with all this in mind that, when we found ourselves with a free evening this past Thursday, we headed mallward to open our first wedding registry.
Our first surprise was that the store didn’t have someone whose job it was to get us started. Weddings are big business, so we’d assumed they’d have some smiling young thing on hand to show us the way. But alas, now that we’re living in the future, everything is done by kiosk.
Nevertheless, setting up the registry was a breeze, and soon we were ready to begin what we’d been told was the most fun part of the registry process: the wielding of the scanner gun. I envisioned us roaming the store until we’d spotted our quarry, there! in the linens, then spinning out from behind a stack of patio chairs and PEW PEW PEW! the dust ruffle would be ours.
We began by flipping through dozens of dinnerware options in a binder beside the registry kiosk. When we settled on our favorite design, I whipped the scanner out of its holster,1 and pulled the trigger.
BEEP!
Beep? Where was the pew pew pew!? I looked down at the readout on the scanner. It said: “This item has been discontinued.”
Discontinued? Then why was it still in the binder? I tried scanning the other color options, with the same result. Not sold on any of the other designs in the binder, we wandered around looking at our other dinnerware options. We didn’t see anything we loved, and decided we’d come back to them later. Next up on our list: a new coffee maker. I scanned the one Denise liked.
BEEP! Discontinued.
So far, we weren’t enjoying the registration process. Was everything discontinued? Had the store filed for bankruptcy since we’d entered ten minutes earlier? Or had we just chosen a faulty scanner? Denise selected a similar coffee maker, and I tried scanning that one. No beep this time; instead, the item became the first one listed on the scanner’s readout.
Okay, so it wasn’t a faulty scanner; we’d just been unlucky with our first two choices. We kept going, adding another couple items to the registry, and then we came to a couple sets of martini glasses. I scanned the set that wasn’t ugly.
BEEP! Discontinued.
Then I tried the ugly ones, and it worked just fine. Aha! Finally I understood. They’d only discontinued the things we really wanted. The other stuff was safe to put on our registry. I removed the ugly glasses from our list, and we managed to complete our circuit of the store finding only a few more discontinued items. When we returned to the registry kiosk, we went once more through the dinnerware binder and selected our second favorite design, then returned the scanner and headed for home.
Wanting to find a replacements for a few of the discontinued items, we went online to continue our shopping the moment we got home. We added a few things we hadn’t seen in the store, and then Denise spotted a different set of martini glasses in the wedding registry catalog we’d brought home. They looked almost as nice as the discontinued set we’d initially tried for, so I typed in the product number, and… up popped a page displaying the other, uglier set. Of course. We searched more, but the nice glasses were nowhere to be found.
At this point, somewhat disheartened, we decided to give up and come back to the registry another day. Before logging off, the last thing we did was review our overall list. The listing for our second favorite dinnerware had no accompanying image, and no information about whether or not it was in stock. Curious, I clicked on the link, and what did we get? A page that simply said, “We are sorry, but this product is not available at this time.” Wonderful, just wonderful.
Well, at least it wasn’t discontinued.
1 Also known as my jacket pocket.
Our first surprise was that the store didn’t have someone whose job it was to get us started. Weddings are big business, so we’d assumed they’d have some smiling young thing on hand to show us the way. But alas, now that we’re living in the future, everything is done by kiosk.
Nevertheless, setting up the registry was a breeze, and soon we were ready to begin what we’d been told was the most fun part of the registry process: the wielding of the scanner gun. I envisioned us roaming the store until we’d spotted our quarry, there! in the linens, then spinning out from behind a stack of patio chairs and PEW PEW PEW! the dust ruffle would be ours.
We began by flipping through dozens of dinnerware options in a binder beside the registry kiosk. When we settled on our favorite design, I whipped the scanner out of its holster,1 and pulled the trigger.
BEEP!
Beep? Where was the pew pew pew!? I looked down at the readout on the scanner. It said: “This item has been discontinued.”
Discontinued? Then why was it still in the binder? I tried scanning the other color options, with the same result. Not sold on any of the other designs in the binder, we wandered around looking at our other dinnerware options. We didn’t see anything we loved, and decided we’d come back to them later. Next up on our list: a new coffee maker. I scanned the one Denise liked.
BEEP! Discontinued.
So far, we weren’t enjoying the registration process. Was everything discontinued? Had the store filed for bankruptcy since we’d entered ten minutes earlier? Or had we just chosen a faulty scanner? Denise selected a similar coffee maker, and I tried scanning that one. No beep this time; instead, the item became the first one listed on the scanner’s readout.
Okay, so it wasn’t a faulty scanner; we’d just been unlucky with our first two choices. We kept going, adding another couple items to the registry, and then we came to a couple sets of martini glasses. I scanned the set that wasn’t ugly.
BEEP! Discontinued.
Then I tried the ugly ones, and it worked just fine. Aha! Finally I understood. They’d only discontinued the things we really wanted. The other stuff was safe to put on our registry. I removed the ugly glasses from our list, and we managed to complete our circuit of the store finding only a few more discontinued items. When we returned to the registry kiosk, we went once more through the dinnerware binder and selected our second favorite design, then returned the scanner and headed for home.
Wanting to find a replacements for a few of the discontinued items, we went online to continue our shopping the moment we got home. We added a few things we hadn’t seen in the store, and then Denise spotted a different set of martini glasses in the wedding registry catalog we’d brought home. They looked almost as nice as the discontinued set we’d initially tried for, so I typed in the product number, and… up popped a page displaying the other, uglier set. Of course. We searched more, but the nice glasses were nowhere to be found.
At this point, somewhat disheartened, we decided to give up and come back to the registry another day. Before logging off, the last thing we did was review our overall list. The listing for our second favorite dinnerware had no accompanying image, and no information about whether or not it was in stock. Curious, I clicked on the link, and what did we get? A page that simply said, “We are sorry, but this product is not available at this time.” Wonderful, just wonderful.
Well, at least it wasn’t discontinued.
1 Also known as my jacket pocket.
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