Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Professor Returns



I haven't shared much about The Professor (age: 10½ months) since the beginning of the semester, so I thought now would be the perfect time to recap the last few months. I'll do my best to be concise, though, so you can focus on more important things. Like the photos.

The Professor basically has three moods. In order of descending frequency:
  1. Happy — characterized by laughing, smiling, clapping, waving, cooing, babbling, drumming, and high-fiving1
  2. Exploratory — he takes things in visually, tactilely, and of course, orally
  3. Fussy — brought on solely by hunger, illness, or tiredness2
He seemingly has a fourth mood, wherein he appears to be over-serious. If he stays that way for any length of time, however, invariably he is sucking on a tiny pine cone.3



Although he can't walk on his own yet, he has mastered the art of the double dribble. No, not like a basketball player. Like a soccer-playing baby.4



The Professor has also been diagnosed with Schadenfreude Katzenartig, a condition so rare I had to name it myself. He's expected to overcome it eventually, but basically it means this: Although otherwise empathetic to others' misfortune, he laughs his head off when our cat Schrödinger has a hairball.



And there, once you've take a look at the full set of The Professor's pictures (with the 37 newest photos at the bottom), you'll be all ready for the final exam.

I'm kidding, of course; there's no way you'll be ready, not after missing so many classes. You're going to fail miserably. But, if you still want to give it the ol' college try, The Professor put together this study guide just for you.


1 His three favorite things, in order of descending hilarity: 1) swift shifts in vantage point (e.g. swooping, spinning, baby lifts); 2) tickle tickle tickle time!; 3) whatever the cat is doing.
2 Extremely Put Out is technically an extension of Fussy. It is caused by minor injury, extreme over-tiredness, and extreme Daddy taking too long to give him more Cheerios.
3 This has now happened twice, but two out of two is still "invariably." The dog tracks these things into the house on occasion, and the little Professor — the proud owner of two teeth, I might add — keeps at it, working it around in his mouth, hoping the thing will dissolve like everything else he eats so he can swallow it. Last week, when this first occurred, it took my wife a half hour to figure out what was "wrong."
4 No, not like a footballer who drops to the turf whining about his ankle every time someone gets within a yard of him. I'm talking about two succinct dribbles at the same time: one from his mouth, one with his feet.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Robot Haiku Contest Winners

First of all, thank you to everyone who entered this year's contest! Because of you — and especially Tara and Tyrean, who also spread the word on their blogs — my job as judge was that much harder. Yet, I went into the judging like a well-oiled machine. Too well oiled, in fact. My mind kept slipping, and at the end I was drained.

Anyway, onto the awards. As usual, the mechanisms of my judging were guided by extreme prejudice and no logic whatsoever. And if you haven't already done so, make sure to read all of the entries.

Dishonorable Mention

Once again, my father (BCFN) insulted both haiku and the prize in 17 syllables. I won't be reprinting his schlock here.

Plain Old Mention

I appreciated Laurie Peel's entry: A haiku praising my haiku about how to write haiku. But it had nothing to do with robots, so she's out.

Honorababble Mentions

These two would have been in the running, if not for one pesky extra syllababble. It's too bad; I enjoyed them both. First, from Tyrean Martinson, life comes to the lifeless:
lights switch on displays
after the science fair closes
a mind awakens
And Budd harkens the dawning of a new age:
Rise my Bretheren
let us strike down our oppressors
Enter the steel age
Honorable Mentions

Thanks to Owen, we learned the fate of someone long since forgotten:
Out of a soundless
wasteland sticks the bold head of
Mister Roboto
Zongrik showed us we're not so far off from the Jetsons after all:
digital housemaid
room disinfection robot
it's the modern age
And Tara Tyler tells us what we pretty much already know:
laziness is doom
robots do all and faster
humans obsolete

First Place — Traditional

I find this category the toughest to choose every year. This one was very close, but in the end, I called in the super-secret tie-breaking judge (my wife), who coaxed me into choosing a haiku by someone I had to coax into participating. From Lynda R Young:
A rusted robot
Its mechanics whirs and purs
Needs oil and falls down
First Place — Humorous / Creative

Humor was a little harder to come by this year than in past contests — apparently ninjas and pirates are funnier subjects than robots — but it didn't stop Mooderino. He takes home the prize with this little number:
As R2D2
Exclaimed to C3PO
"Brr wee ping woo woo!"
First Place — Robopocalypse

I knew I'd be awarding a third prize, but I only decided on the category after I chose the third winner. Budd claims this one with some sage advice on how we can survive the uprising:
How can we survive?
the machines have risen up.
Divide by zero
And that'll do it. Lynda, Moody, and Budd, send me an email and let me know your gift card preference (Amazon, iTunes, etc).

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everyone who entered!

Monday, May 7, 2012

A to Z: The Final Word

Before I get to the good stuff, let me tell you about the even better stuff. Today's the last day to enter my Robot Haiku Contest. Deadline's at 5pm, Eastern Time.

Letters. That was the final word of my Blogging from A to Z April Challenge.1

Of course, if that was all I had for you today, this would be a short post. Yet, as many of you know, I'm no good at writing short posts.

I expected this year's A to Z to be tougher than last year's. With a 9-month-old at home and things getting mighty busy at work, I knew I'd have much less time to participate. So, I did what any sane person would do: I chose a theme that took even more time.2

And I fell behind quickly. Starting on D-Day, every single post was written the night before. And I only really had the chance to visit the bloggers who commented on my posts. Still, I got to discover some fun blogs, and loved the small cadre of loyal visitors who kept coming back to The Wheel for more.

I learned a few things during the Challenge, too:
  • Some people appreciate being introduced to new things, but in general, people much prefer commenting on things they already know.
  • I will always be a perfectionist. And a procrastinator. These things do not go well together.
  • Sleep is for the weak.3

Creatively, what I enjoyed most about this year's Challenge was creating the letter graphics from my own photos. My favorites, in no particular order, are the ones ED LUVZ. Here are the whole bunch, in case you want to see 'em all in one place:


(click to embiggen)

A close second was coming up with the title for each letter. Here's a recap of all 26, for easy access:
  1. Like the Fonz Always Said (with anagrammed hosts' names)
  2. That Buzz in Your Ear
  3. A Body Off the Coast (Seven C's Edition)
  4. The End of the World
  5. The Gad Preceder
  6. Stop With the Camera
  7. The Most Common Willikers
  8. Jesus, Initially
  9. The Window to the Soul (I Spy With My Little I Edition)
  10. A Way of Walking
  11. It's Alright, I Guess
  12. The Train in Chicago (Double Hockey Stick Edition)
  13. A Kansas Auntie (Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Edition)
  14. The Center of Attention
  15. A Surprised Utterance
  16. A Small Green Orb (P's in a Pod Edition)
  17. A British Line
  18. The Call of the Pirate
  19. The Start of Something (Super-Sized Saturday Edition)
  20. Something You Put Balls On (T for 2 Edition)
  21. A Ram's Better Half
  22. Southbound Geese
  23. The P.O.T.U.S. (#43)
  24. A Former Flame
  25. The Age-Old Question
  26. The End of All That Jazz

But the best thing to come out of this Challenge? I began writing nearly every day. And I plan to keep up the pace, too. Just not here.

After over two years' hiatus from my novel, I'm finally back at it. Five chapters to go in the first draft. 87.5% done. I'll get this thing finished yet.

Right after I read some robot haiku. (Hint hint.)


1 Unless you're of the mind that the footnotes came last, since they appear lower on the page. Then the final word was V. Which I'll pretend meant Victory.
2 I didn't realize that when I chose it, of course. I'm a master at self-delusion. You might not think I'm a master, but that's because I'm only good at deluding myself, not you.
3 I'm weak. Sleep is gooood.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Robot Haiku Contest!

*** The contest has ended. View the winning entries. ***

Announcing The Wheel’s 3rd Annual Haiku Contest!

First came ninja haiku. Then, pirates. Following those, this year there was only one logical choice: Robots.

It's not difficult:
You just write five syllables,
Then seven, then five.

And it must involve robots in some way. How you incorporate them — and which variety of robot you use — is completely up to you.

To enter, write your own robot-themed haiku in the comments section below. Three lucky winners will receive money that exists only digitally $25 gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:
  • Humorous/Creative
  • Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)
...and then I'll also reward my next favorite haiku, just because I can.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Monday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time).

Robot poetry.
Let's make it happen, people.
Contest begins... now.


Official Rules:
  1. To enter, post robot-themed haiku in the comment section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5), you will exceed your data limit and be charged for each additional entry. And by "charged," I mean pumped full of electricity.
  2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, the system will automatically detect this and break your entry down for parts. You will not win.
  3. The contest is open until Monday, May 7, 2011 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you try to sneak an entry in after the deadline, the system will automatically eradicate your last line. Your haiku will then be one line short, and will be disqualified.
  4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku. If I can't understand your entry, I'll assume it's encrypted code, and for the sake of national security never let it see the light of day. You will not win.)
  5. Anonymous entries will not win. If you don't tell me who you are, clearly you are a hacker trying to infiltrate my system. I will lock you out of the system, and your entry out of the contest.
  6. Prizes will be awarded in each of three categories: Humorous/Creative, Traditional, and Next Favorite.
    • Three (3) first place winners will each receive a $25 gift card from either Amazon or iTunes (their choices).
    • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive bragging rights over everyone who doesn’t win. Also, honor (mentioned).
  7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances unless some robot is sent back from the future to do so.

The End of All That Jazz

During this year's Blogging From A to Z April Challenge, I'm highlighting things more people should know about. For the most part, I'll be ignoring the most popular and widely known items (and sometimes my personal favorites) in order to promote the unfamiliar and underappreciated.

Zoinks? Have we reached the end? Really? And did I really just say "zoinks"?


FILM
Zodiac
I've loved David Fincher's work ever since Se7en. This one brings us San Francisco in the grips of the Zodiac killer in the '60s and '70s, and follows three characters obsessed with tracking him down. Well-acted, well-written, and, well, a pleasure to watch. It doesn't try to dazzle like Fight Club, and didn't have the hype of The Social Network, but this is one exceptionally strong film.
TELEVISION
Zoom
I know nothing about this kids' show from the '70s, but my wife said it was fun. And my wife has good taste,1 so it must have been.
GAME
Zooloretto
As delivery trucks bring you animals, try to plan out your zoo to get the most visitors. The male and female of a species can get you babies, or you can swipe an animal from a competitor. Just be careful not to overpopulate or have too wide a variety of creatures, or you'll have to stick some in your barn and that'll hurt your business. A fun family game for 2-5 players. With flamingos.
MUSIC
Zebrahead
They started out as more of a hip-hop funk band, although they've since migrated to a more standard pop/punk rock sound. With dual lead-singers providing a back-and-forth singing/rapping dynamic, they've got a fun sound and great energy.
LITERATURE
The Z Was Zapped: A Play in Twenty-Six Acts by Chris Van Allsburg
A creative way to teach your children the alphabet, from the writer-illustrator of Jumanji and The Polar Express.2 With each turn of the page, another letter undergoes an alliterative transformation... often with dire consequences. I like dire consequences.3

And now I'm zapped, too.

It's been a long, tiring run this month, but I've had a blast highlighting some of my favorite alphabetic hidden gems. I do hope you've enjoyed reading my letters.


1Especially in husbands.
2 Not to mention his other Z-book, Zathura. Oh, crap. I said "not to mention" and then I mentioned it. I'm always contradicting myself (except for when I'm not).
3 Dire Straits are pretty good, too, but they only help you learn the letters M, T, and V.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Age-Old Question

During this year's Blogging From A to Z April Challenge, I'm highlighting things more people should know about. For the most part, I'll be ignoring the most popular and widely known items (and sometimes my personal favorites) in order to promote the unfamiliar and underappreciated.

Yeesh, only two letters left. Let's make it one, shall we?


FILM
Young Frankenstein
Dr. Frankenstein (pronounced Frahnkenshteen) would rather not be associated with his mad grandfather. But he inherits the man's castle and equipment, and then stumbles upon his writings (as well as his beautiful lab assistant), and begins to change his mind... to the fury of the townspeople. With Gene Wilder, the amazing Madeleine Kahn, and Peter Boyle as The Monster, this is perhaps Mel Brooks' finest (and funniest) work.
TELEVISION
The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles
An epic adventure each episode with the young man (or younger boy) who would become the world's favorite whip-wielding archaeologist? Yes, please.
GAME
Yinsh
When you move one of your rings across the board, leave a disc of your color in its place, and flip over every disc your ring jumps. You're trying to get five of your color in a row, while blocking your opponent from doing the same. And you're trying to do this three times, but with each success you get one fewer ring to work with. A wonderful abstract strategy game for 2 players (and one of six in project GIPF).
MUSIC
Young M.C.
The first CD I ever bought was Young M.C's Stone Cold Rhymin'. You know, back before rap went all gangsta on us. Back when it was fun. Now, some music from the '80s hasn't aged too well — surprising, I know — but this album, at least, is just as good now as then. Perhaps better, when compared to everything that's come since. So don't just stand there; bust a move.
LITERATURE
Yukon Ho! by Bill Watterson
Calvin & Hobbes is the best comic strip in the history of comic strips. If you didn't already know this, you need to go directly to your local bookstore or library (or friend's house) and start reading. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200,1 just go and fill your day with a precocious 6-year-old and his stuffed tiger. And if your friend asks why you're in their house, tell 'em I sent you. And that I say hi.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just may find, you get whatever the hell I decide to give you.


1Although, if you happen to come across $200 on the street, you might as well pick it up. (And as your new financial advisor, I get 10%.)

Friday, April 27, 2012

A Former Flame

During this year's Blogging From A to Z April Challenge, I'm highlighting things more people should know about. For the most part, I'll be ignoring the most popular and widely known items (and sometimes my personal favorites) in order to promote the unfamiliar and underappreciated.

Mostly In Jest Edition!

FILM
X-Men: First Class
This film, about the group's beginnings, is a rare thing: A prequel that surpasses the original — and in this case, its sequels. I can think of only one other film that does the same, and it also came out last year. (Are there others? If you can think of any, share 'em in the comments.)
TELEVISION
X-Men: The Animated Series
According to the resident X-Men expert (i.e. my brother), this series is far superior to the movies for a couple reasons. For one, it stays more consistent with the comic book characters' stories and origins. But most importantly, because Gambit was in it. And who am I to argue with the expert?
GAME
X-Men: Alert
My brother had this game. We played it once or twice. It was okay, I guess.
MUSIC
X-Men: The Soundtrack
It's probably decent enough.
LITERATURE
X-Men: The Flamethrower
The kids love this one.

Okay, fine. You want some real recommendations? XiangQi is an ancient form of Chinese chess (which I have never played), and Xavier Rudd has a great folksy, bluesy sound.

The other three options, however, I'm sticking with.

XOXO,
Nate