Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Vampires vs. Velociraptors!

For those interested in the results of the A to Z Contest, I'll be posting the winners tomorrow. In the meantime, I suggest you keep reading. It could very well save your life.

In this corner, weighing in at 172 pounds, the veritable villain of violent vivisection, the virulent virtuoso of vicissitude, the vicious violator of his victims' every viable vessel, the valiant vampire vicar of Vladivostok... Vladimir the Eviscerator!

(The crowd roars.)

And in this corner, weighing in at 241 pounds, the vile viper of visceral—and he's out of his corner! V-Rap has ignored all protocol and leapt at Vlad before the bell sounded!

V-Rap snaps his jaw closed upon a puff of black smoke as the vamp manages a timely escape, morphing into his bat form at the last possible moment. And he shifts back in mid-air! Vlad has dropped down on top of the raptor, his black cape rippling behind him, and has V-Rap by the neck! The ref—yes, it looks like the ref is trying to stop the fight and—ooooh, there go his innards. That was a rookie mistake by the veteran official there. V-Rap was already struggling to get his little forearms to reach Vlad, and the ref got too close.

I should take this time to remind our listeners that V-Rap is a Jurassic Park-style velociraptor, which is why he's about eight times larger than the traditional 30-lb raptors. But his size isn't helping him against Vlad the Eviscerator. The blood is really starting to flow from ol' Rap's neck.

Oh! And he's leapt from the ring! V-Rap's jumped, and he hits the concrete hard, the impact shaking Vlad loose. The crowd scatters in all directions, retreating to the back of the arena. But wait, V-Rap looks weakened by the blood loss, and he may have hurt his leg in the landing. Indeed, the lizard is limping, and he's actually backing away as the vampire vicar approaches, with V-Rap's blood dripping from his fangs.

I can't believe it. V-Rap is cowering! He must really be in pain. And Vlad is ready to finish him off. He leans in, and—holy cow! Another raptor has come from out of nowhere and tackled Vlad, the man's chest caught in its razor-sharp teeth. It looks like, yes, V-Rap's brother. It's Velo, who has plenty of vitriol for Vlad and his ilk after his devastating loss here last month.

And V-Rap is back up to his full height, gliding smoothly over to where Velo is. His frailty was all a ploy! Of course! Raptors are known for working together and luring in their prey! And boy, Vlad is not looking at all well. It can't just be from Velo's teeth and talons; from Vlad's sallow complexion I have to wager Velo gorged some garlic before entering the arena.

It looks like this could be the end for Vlad the Eviscerator, since there's no referee left standing to call the fight and spare him. But hold on! What's this? Four vampires have just dropped down from the rafters and alit upon V-Rap, wasting no time in sinking their fangs into the big lizard. At least, they look like vampires, although for some reason two of them seem to be sparkling under the arena's lights. Perhaps they rushed here from the glitter convention across town.

Anyway, it looks like they're trying to bargain for their friend. V-Rap's life for Vlad's. And Velo's relenting! He's slowly opening his jaw to release the vampire vicar, who I must say looks simply horrible, even for the undead. I don't know if he'll ever be able to recover from those ragged wounds, but these vamps are remarkably resilient, so I wouldn't put anything past them.

So, fight fans, it looks like this one's going to end in a draw, and... um... who's that man waving to us as he exits through the side entrance? That looked like the guy from V for Vendetta, didn't it? Why would he—oh, crap. Who decided to hold this fight in the Parliament building?! Let me outta—

(Explodes.)


This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, hosted by Jeffrey Beesler and seven others. Go check out the other participants!

18 comments:

  1. LMAO! A Celebrity Death Match like no other.

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  2. Talk about an explosive ending.

    Really, very funny.

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  3. Now, see, that's why Vlad won. He was able to tag team V-Rap with minions. I'd consider that cheating, but since the referee was permanently KO'd himself, I'll have to let that slide.

    By the way, Nate, will I have to wear a wreath of garlic around my neck whenever I visit your blog from now on? I think I saw one of those vamps eying your neck...

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  4. Oh, definitely a match of the century.

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  5. Melissa: Well, there were similarities to Dracula vs. Denver the Last Dinosaur, but that was a slaughter, since Denver had no fangs or talons, just a guitar.

    M.J.: Thanks! My go-to movie spoiler is "They all die," so I figured, why not?

    Falen: I'd pay to see the match from behind raptor-proof glass...

    Mary: Thanks!

    Jeffrey: No, of course not. You should leave your garlic at home. Also, any crosses, holy water, or wooden stakes. Leave those, too.

    Beverly: You're welcome!

    Cheree: Thanks! But really, since it's only competition so far was Alien vs. Predator, it's not as impressive as it sounds.

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  6. Oh my gosh...this was great! Made my day, thanks!

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  7. Twilight meets Jurassic Park, very nice! haha!! Great descriptions, the ultimate blood sport.

    Thanks for sharing the Van Gogh site, I can't believe how much the guy looks like him, uncanny! The make-up helped, but very cool indeed.
    I too, love surreal art. If you get a minute, look up Vladimir Kush on google images. His artwork is fantastic.

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  8. Renae: Hmm... usually when I make people's days, I use a lot more papier-mâché. But thanks!

    Heather: Wow, how in the name of all that is Dali had I not heard of Vladimir Kush before? Thank you so much for pointing me his way!

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  9. I hadn't heard of him either. I just typed in Surreal art in the google image search and he was one that popped up. He is very amazing, a new favorite for me. I've always loved Dali, but I think Kush takes the cake!
    I'm curious about your contests, do you do these all of the time?

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  10. Heather: Dali's really my dad's favorite. I'm more of a Magritte man myself. But now I can appreciate a nice Kush.

    As for the contests, this was my third. I've done Ninja Haiku, one when my blog turned one, and now the A to Z. But since it's been a year since the haiku contest, the next one starts this Sunday...

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  11. Magritte is awesome, as well. Kush's style reminds me a bit of Magritte. I think I love it all. I can't help it. I think we can all appreciate a nice Kush. :)

    I like that, Ninja Haiku! Very fun! I wish I was more eloquent, but I draw my words, thoughts, feelings. I would love to read them though.

    Last question, I swear.
    What are you singing in your picture?

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  12. Heather, I don't remember the exact song, but based on what I remember singing that night, it was likely either "Creep," "Dani California," "Orange Crush," or "Hungry Like the Wolf." And I must say: You haven't truly played Rock Band until you've played it in 3D!

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  13. I didn't know there was such a thing as 3D rock band, I definitely need to check that out! I guess it makes you feel like you are right there on stage. Very cool! All great songs!!

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  14. Heather, it's more of a DIY 3D... as in, playing Rock Band whilst wearing 3D glasses pilfered from the local movie theater. If nothing else, it makes for some great photos.

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  15. Haha! I will have to give that a whirl sometime. Looks like fun. Actually, that just gave me a really great idea, thanks!!

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