Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sometimes, The Wheel is on Fire

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Winners of the Heroes & Villains Haiku Contest!

If you're wondering why it took over three weeks to name contest winners, I've been busy. You know, for the usual reasons: I was attacked by a pack of rabid squids, it took ages to find that one missing sock, and of course, for a few days in there I completely forgot where I lived.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who entered! You made it tough to pick the winners; I switched sides a few times, double-crossed myself, added a bonus prize... and then went evil.

If your entry isn't highlighted below, know that it was still super. Unless you're my dad. And if you haven't done so already, make sure to check out all the entries.

Honorable Mention

As usual, Joelle found a way to work in pantslessness.
Being a hero
Means having courage to wear
Underwear outside.
And as usual, someone found a way to go sophomoric. In this case, it was j. james (who, interestingly enough, also had the most literary entry).
Wonder Woman plane
Has Invisible bathroom
Hard to poop in there
And my nephew Solly had by far the best haiku of anyone under the age of 30. (He's 4.)
Superheroes fly.
Superheroes have power.
They land on the ground.

First Place - Humorous

j. james eked out the humor win with his crack at the dark knight.
Batman likes his tights
Powder helps to slip them on
Robin thinks they stink

First Place - Traditional

Christine takes this prize with a bit of duality.
I have both in me
Push off the cliff and rescue
Always wear my mask

First Place - Delicious

Yup, I decided to go with a third winner after all. Like Winnie the Pooh, I always follow my stomach. This one goes to Marian Allen for her different take on the topic.
Turkey, ham, and cheese
Within a cloak of fresh bread --
My kind of hero.

First Place - In Which I'm Evil

And lastly, my sister Naomi entered one of my favorites of the competition, in part because it resonates so much with the writer in me...
Who intends evil?
No one. Your villain may be
Somebody's hero.
...however, I'm biased against her, so I decided she doesn't get a prize. Which means I'm being evil just to be evil, and thus negates her haiku. Ha!

And that brings my 6th annual haiku contest to a close. Marian, Christine, and j. james, if you haven't already heard from me, please write me at so I'll have your email address and can send the Amazon gift cards your way.

One final haiku
Not for any real reason
Um... Excelsior!

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Haiku Contest: Heroes & Villains!

*** The contest has ended. Check out the winners! ***

Up on the blog: It's a beard! It's a plane! It's my 6th annual haiku contest!
We've previously honored ninja, pirates, robots, space, and the ocean. But now it's time for our haiku to honor those who have done so much for (or against) us: heroes and villains.

It's not difficult.
You know what syllables are?
Just use seventeen.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it have something to do with heroes and/or villains. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive $25 million in unmarked bills $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:
  • Humorous/Creative
  • Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)
In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Or I may not. Because I am maniacal, and like to keep you guessing.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Thurssday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":
  1. To enter, post hero- and/or villain-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, but if you submit more than five (5) entries, you'll have introduced too many characters and won't be able to protect all of them. The newest additions will slashed mercilessly.
  2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount and fall short, your poem will enter battle vastly outnumbered and will not survive. If you run long, I'll start cutting before you finish. (In other words, don't start monologuing.)
  3. The contest is open until Thursday, May 7, 2014 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If an entry arrives after the deadline, it'll make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. HAIKU SMASH!
  4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't understand your entry, it proves you're a creature of unknown origin hell-bent on world domination. I'll give the prize money to others, so they can finance our planet's defenses against you.
  5. Anonymous entries will not win. Heroes have alter egos, so if you provide no name it means you're a villain, and I can't trust anything you say. You won't poison me with your lies. And you will never win.
  6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if the mood (or a muscle-bound guy in tights) strikes me.
    • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
    • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive both mention and honor. Not necessarily in that order.
  7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless you can give me some sort of superpower. Then I'm totally changing my mind.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Pop Quiz

  1. What is the proper response for someone upon first seeing I have a new blog post?

    1. "Excellent! Some Nately humor is exactly what I need today. Make me laugh, you crazy monkey."
    2. "I'll click, but there'd better be some pictures and stories of his son." [clicks on link] [scans post] "Great. That's ten seconds of my life I'm never getting back."
    3. "Wait — people still have blogs?! That is so 2011. Get out of the stone age, you troglodyte!"
    4. [keeps scrolling through feed, looking for cat videos]
  2. This is my first blog post in three months. Why haven't I blogged at all during this time?

    1. I've been lazy. I mean busy. Or in a coma. Yeah, that's it: a coma.
    2. I haven't had anything interesting to say. Sure, that never stopped me before, and it's not stopping me from writing this post, but... um... I had a point. No matter, it's obvious this is the correct answer.
    3. I've been working on a top secret project for the U.S. government. I can't share the exact nature of my work, but I will say it involves weapons-grade plutonium and ten dozen free-range chickens.
    4. Other: ____________ (insert answer in the comments)
  3. After this extended hiatus — the longest I've ever taken — why did I choose to return to blogging?

    1. Blogging is fun! Wheeeeeee!
    2. I figured I should alert people to that fact that I still have a blog, seeing as how I'm going to announce a new haiku contest next week.
    3. Revenge. Revenge on whom, you ask? Oh, you'll find out soon enough. Yes you will. Mwahahahahaha!
    4. I could no longer stand idly by while the world suffered through such a horrifying shortage of footnotes.1
Okay, pencils down. Now tally up your scores and consult the chart below to see how you fared.

0-3: You sicken me.
4-12: You were just guessing, weren't you? Admit it.
13: You win!2
14-18: Ooh, you overshot the mark. Stop trying so hard.
19+: Damn overachiever.

1 And with this meager offering, the Great Footnote Famine of 2015 officially comes to an end. #NeverForget
2 What do you win? This magnificent footnote! (To place it in your trophy case, simply chisel it out of your screen.)

Monday, January 26, 2015

"...So, I Get Ten Ninja Clowns"

Over the holidays, my son branched out. He's still enthralled with construction trucks, but now he's equally into Legos and games. And thanks to one of the latter, he's also getting good at telling stories (which never stay on plot, but always include a boy seeing a burning building).

Anyway, these aren't even the craziest things my son has said the past couple months. They're just the craziest ones I remembered to write down.

We're starting dinner, but he's still in the living room. I know nothing we're eating that night will entice him to stop playing, but there's also a bowl of fruit on the table. So I call out, "I'm eating one of your graaaapes."
From the living room: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(now keep in mind he's never seen The Simpsons or Family Guy or anything like that)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(so we have no idea where he got this from)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(but he kept going for 8-10 seconds)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

And then he comes to dinner. Five minutes later.
I have just left the room. My nephew turns to my son.
"We need to see Uncle Nat."
"No, he's gone forever."
"Why don't I have brothers or sisters?"
"Because Mommy and I haven't had any other kids yet. Do you want a brother or sister?"
"I want Nick and Alex [his cousins] to be my brother and sister. I want Nick to be my sister and Alex to be my brother."
I'm trying to explain the concept of English.
"We speak English."
"I don't."
"Sure you do. The language we speak is called English."
"No, I speak Normal."
"Can I PLEASE eat the head of Santa?"
He stands next to one cousin, who is 7" taller, and looks up at him.
"We're the same size!"
To a cousin, while in said cousin's house:
"Did you know you have toys in your basement?! Come on, I'll show you!"
Explaining the rules of a game we're "playing":
", I get ten ninja clowns."

As you might expect, the game has absolutely nothing to do with clowns, barely anything to do with ninjas, and he had just rolled a 6.
He holds up something built out of Duplo-style Lego blocks. It looks like a top-heavy tower.
"I made a pewer with a window."
"A what? You mean a tower?"
"No, a pewer."
"A pewer?"
"With a window."

It took another 20 seconds of back-and-forth before I figured out what a pewer is. (It's something that you point at people as you go "Pew! Pew! Pew!") (Duh.)

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

For the First Time Ever

My first 13 Christmases were spent at home, without any sort of celebration (unless the day happened to coincide with Hanukkah). I spent my next 16 Christmases in movie theaters and Chinese restaurants. Then I met my wife. The past 8 Christmases have been more "traditional" in their yuletide cheer: trees and gifts and ham and cookies and gifts. And for some reason, myrrh.

And yet, despite this year being Christmas #37 (of a sort), I still managed many Christmas firsts...
  • For the first time ever, I saw It's a Wonderful Life. Wow. Jimmy Stewart is an amazing actor.
  • For the first time ever, I saw Elf. Wow. Will Ferrell is an actor.
  • For the first time ever, I performed a christening. Only afterward did I learn it's not traditionally done with two bottles of wine, and also there's no reason to ever christen a driveway. But in my defense I'm still relatively new to all this stuff.
  • For the first time ever, I watched grown men battle for victory in perhaps the most hotly contested game of dreidel ever — a game that did not involve real money or real chocolate. The lone Jew (me) was ousted first, leaving six Catholics to vie for the crown — and there wasn't even a real crown.
  • And for the first time ever, I watched my three-year-old son receive a Nerf gun that shoots darts up to 100 feet, weighs nearly 5 pounds, and is 4 inches taller than he is. Thanks a lot, Tim.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Here's What Jew Talkin' About

Welcome to the answer portion of my 5th annual Jew & A! We've got some good questions this year — far better than the answers, to be sure — so read on.

Gillian asks:
If you were going to have a party for kindergarteners celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas and the Winter Solstice what elements from each holiday would you emphasize in the celebration?
Chocolate gelt, Christmas cookies, and... uh... Olaf? Sure, why not. Olaf.

If you're worried this would result in a massive frenzy of sugar-laden five-year-olds bouncing off the walls and singing "Let It Go" endlessly at the top of their lungs, you worry too much. Remember: Gillian didn't ask what elements I'd recommend for such a party; she asked what I'd do if I were throwing it. I would be like a god to those kindergartners. A god with a video camera and a suddenly viral YouTube channel.

Alex J. Cavanaugh asks:
What happens if you forget to light a candle one night?
You get an extra candle to use next year.

But seriously, if someone misses a candle he is inevitably overcome by crippling guilt at having failed an entire race of people, guilt that would reduce the toughest man in the world to a useless puddle of blubbering and tears. But of course, we're Jews, so that's pretty much par for the course. We barely notice.

Naomi asks:
What should I tell my Jewish 4-year-old about Santa Claus? Or should I just let him find out on the street?
Don't you dare let my nephew find out about Santa on the street. You might think it'd be good for him to see the jolly old elf standing outside a local store collecting money for charity. But 4-year-olds interpret that as taking payoffs from people to ensure they make it on his Good list. Plus, it's just as likely he'd first come across a drunken, slovenly Santa letching after girls from an alleyway. Either way, once he started sharing his thoughts on Santa with friends, he'd be ridiculed.

You should go the explanation route instead. Share both of the prevailing schools of thought on Santa and let him decide which one to believe. (As a reminder, they are: 1) the Theory of Evolution — that Santa's otherworldly powers evolved over the years as a matter of survival, to avoid being relegated to the dustbin of forgotten saints; and 2) the Theory of Creationism — that Santa is, in fact, an entirely made-up construct with no basis in reality.) Good luck! I hope he turns out to be a creationist like his uncle!

Jenny asks:
What is the preferred dance move to accompany the Dreidel Song?
The traditional Dreidel Song dance is actually a series of moves done in quick succession: the Tiny Dancer, the Easy Bake, the Tick Tock, and the Half-Twist, with your choice of either the Whirling Dervish or the Weeble Wobble during the chorus. Repeat until the singer gets tired of singing the same verse over and over, because it's the only one she knows.

Jewish Like the Olive Garden is Italian asks:
What qualifies you to answer questions on Judaism? You haven't been to synagogue since you were eight, and your family's sole method for celebrating every Jewish holiday (except Hanukkah) is a brisket dinner.
Um, I'm Jewish. Duh.
All Jewish knowledge is passed down genetically, so it's innate.*

* Get it? Innate? (Yeah, unfortunately, punning aptitude is also passed down genetically. Thanks, Dad.)

And that'll do it for this latest session of Jew & A. I hope it has been enlightening for you. Now bring on the kindergartners!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

What Jew Talkin' About, Wilson?

Hanukkah is less than a week away. What does this mean? Two things. Firstly, I need to buy and wrap an octet of gifts insignificant enough that Santa would crush them under his jolly boot and not give it a second thought. And secondly, it's time for my 5th Annual Jew & A!

In other words...

I will answer any question you have
about Judaism.

That's right: Just post any questions you might have about Jews or Judaism in the comments section before Hanukkah begins (i.e. when darkness overcomes us on 12/16), and I will answer them for you.

Perhaps you've always wondered where the Jewish unfaithful are most likely to hide their stash of bacon. Or if Moses' deep-seeded aversion to water stemmed from his early basket trip down the Nile. And oy, won't your daughter ever meet a nice Jewish boy and settle down? Whatever your query, send it my way. Even if it's been asked before, don't let that stop you -- much like the Jewish calendar, the answers to such questions are in constant flux.

So, what do you want to know?

The Original Primer and Past Jew & A's: