Putting the Ha! back in Hanukkah!

Welcome to the answer portion of this year's Jew & A! The only questions came from my sister and nephew, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to delay my answers for a week. And I was right: It didn't hurt at all.

However, to make up for the delay — and that (feeble attempt at a) joke — I'll also answer a third question about Judaism. It's almost the least I can do.

My sister Naomi asks:
How can I tell if someone is Jewish? E.g. Is there a special tattoo or handshake or something?

I've previously talked about the horns, but it's hard to justify looking closely at everyone's scalp unless you're a barber or a school nurse during lice season.* So let's talk about other outwardly visual signs. There are three.

1. The things we carry
   Jews, as everyone knows, are insanely rich. Problem is, we prefer not to be garish about it, so you can't judge based on clothes or jewelry. No, what you want to do is watch people when they're buying things. Specifically, look at their credit card. Our gold cards are made of actual gold. Our platinum cards, platinum. Our francium cards, francium.
   
   That's right, francium. The element with a half-life of 22 minutes. We keep world-class scientists on retainer just to make us one-use credit cards.
   
   So get yourself a francium detector. And follow the money.
    
2. Guilt by association
   Another option is to look for people who have an air of guilt about them. Now, I don't mean shifty-eyed or suspicious-looking. You're seeking successful individuals whose physical expression and demeanor convey they know that they don't visit/call/spoil their mother enough.
   
   You might think this describes non-Jews as well, but over time you'll be able to tell the difference. If they show even an ounce of bravado? Not a Jew.
    
3. Take me to your leader
   You can also pick Jews out by their behavior. For instance, look for people speaking in front of a group. Specifically, leading a congregation in a religious service inside a synagogue. Find that, and you've found yourself a Jew!

* Not an actual season. The actual seasons are spring, duck, wabbit, and Christmas.

My nephew Solomon asks:
Why does one light the menorah?

It is said one is the loneliest number. Well, the reason it's so lonely is because one is also the greediest, most selfish number. If there's something fun to do, one's not about to let any other number do it. He has to be the first and the best at everything.

In this case, since fire is involved, there's no way anyone else gets near the menorah. One always make sure to grab the match, or the lighter, or the traditional Hanukkah arc welder, and brandishes it as a weapon if another number gets too close. Afterward, he opens up everyone's gifts, destroys all instruments and mp3 players,* and keeps the rest for himself.

That's why one lights the menorah. One's a jerk.

* One especially hates musical numbers.

And here's the bonus question from Kevin (via Facebook):
Who dislikes Yosemite Sam?

At first glance, this question may appear to have nothing to do with Judaism.* Well, prepare to be educated, my friend.

First, you need to know Yosemite Sam's origins. Leading into WWII, hatred for Jews was growing in America, too. And the biggest target was Uncle Sam. (Yes, Uncle Sam is Jewish... why do you think he always wears that hat? The horns, people. It always comes back to the horns.)

Back then, you could tell if someone was Jewish just by seeing if they looked when you said, "Yo, Semite!" So, Friz Freleng created Yo-semite Sam to be the embodiment of hatred and irrational thought, and set him against Bugs Bunny (also Jewish... they're behind the ears).

So, who dislikes Yosemite Sam? People in favor of freedom and equality, that's who. We dislike him not for who he is, but for what he represents. There are millions of us. Are you one?

I hope not. One's a jerk.

* Same with the second and third glances. Also, every subsequent glance.

And that brings the 2018 Jew & A to a close. Same time next year (give or take)?

Putting the Ish Back in Jewish

Just in time for whatever day of Hanukkah this is, it's my 9th Annual Jew & A!

In other words...
I will answer any question you have about Judaism.

That's right: Just post any questions you have about Jews or Judaism in the comments section before Hanukkah ends (i.e. sundown next Monday, 12/10), and I will answer them.

Maybe you're curious if your dislike for Yosemite Sam means you really hate all semites. Perhaps you need to settle an argument on whether apple jews or apple seder is the more delicious(ly horrible) pun. Or maybe something has been nagging you for weeks, and you wonder if it's actually, well, a Jew.

Whatever your query, send it along. Even if it's been asked before; much like its calendar, Judaism itself is constantly in flux.

So, what would you like to know?


The Original Primer and Past Jew & A's:

• Uncle Nate's Wholly Unsubstantiated Hanukkah Primer
• One Crazy Guy Explains Eight Crazy Nights
• Your Chosen Questions About the Chosen People
• Judaism's Deepest Secrets Revealed
• Jew & A IV: I've Run Out of Clever Titles
• What Jew Talkin' About
• You've Got a Latke to Learn
• Keeping Han in Hanukkah
• It's a Jew & A Miracle!

Magic Haiku Contest Winners!

Welcome back, ladies and gents. It's the most magical time of the year! (Andy Williams had it wrong.)

Anyway, you're probably wondering who won this year's haiku contest. Well, so am I.

Let's get to it.


Honorable Mentions

Scott, what's With all the Capitalized Words? Ooh, It's a Secret Code, isn't it? So your Assistant Knows tbicmrp is the One To pick? Nope, Not picking It.

Terrified Bunny
In his hidden Compartment
Makes Rabbit Pellets

Of all the entries, this one from my sister Naomi is actually the one I laughed at the hardest when I first read it. But is it magic? According to the judge, no. No kid has ever believed this is magic.

The guillotine blade
Was installed slightly askew.
Ha ha! Got your nose!

Betsy Rose's would make me sad, but luckily I now have a child and can laugh vicariously through him:

The child laughs with joy
At the magic everywhere.
Then becomes a man.

In my early 20s, I once picked up a deck of cards, split the deck, and correctly guessed the chosen card: the four of spades. Since then, I always pick the four of spades. Sorry, Sam Cook, you were so close:

Go pick a card, Nate.
Got it? It's the Three of Spades!
(So cool if this works)

I also liked that Sam brought web design humor. But alas, he only managed to make part of his haiku vanish, not the whole thing. He doesn't win the prize.

Abracadbra,
Make this haiku disappear!
<!--this line is hidden-->

First Place - Traditional

Except he does win the prize. Thanks a lot, Sam, for making me a liar.

My arm extended
Pointed toward that distant snack
I yearn for The Force

For those of you who might argue the Force is not magic, that it's just a hokey religion, I completely agree. Of course, I also believe magicians create only illusions, the appeal of baby's laughter is science, and Trix is not even close to magically delicious. It's not like I can disqualify everything on a technicality. Well, I can, since I'm the judge. But I won't.


First Place - Humorous/Creative

The other one goes to my sister:

“It’s LeviOHsa,
Not LeviohSA, you twit.”
“Shut up, HermiOHN.”

I don't know about the rest of you muggles, but for the first three books of the series, I was sure her name was pronounced HermiOHN. (Well, actually, HERmiohn.) But after the first movie came out I was forced to admit my mistake. I'm also making a mistake naming Naomi a winner, but at least I admit that from the start.


And that'll do it for this year's contest. Be sure to read all the magical entries. Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, or ridiculed my contest. Until next time...

Leave 'em wantin' more.
That's what they say in show biz.
So I'll just

The Magical Haiku Contest

*** The contest is closed. View the winners. ***

Shazam! It's my 9th annual haiku contest!

We've previously manipulated ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, science, and the wild west. But this year's theme, which I just pulled out of thin air, is magic!

There's no trick to it:
Write a bunch of syllables
Seventeen of 'em.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it magical. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive a locked box containing your card! Amazing! $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Because I know that every little thing you write is magic.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Monday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post magic-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you try to sneak extras past me, I'll catch you in the act, and you won't get any prestige.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you're off by a syllable you could turn me into a newt. I'll get better, but I hold a grudge. You won't win.
3. The contest is open until Monday, May 7, 2018 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you make me wait for a spell, you're cast out of the contest.
4. Entries must be in English, though exceptions will be made for magical-sounding phrases (i.e. Latinglish). But anything else will be considered black magicks and that extra k is stupid so you lose.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. He who shall not be named never wins, not in the end.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or the Sorting Hat decrees it.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless I'm tricked into it.

Fortune Favors the Cold (Sesame Noodles)

Whenever I eat Chinese food, I want a happy ending.

The beginning is guaranteed to be good, since I always have wonton soup. But the end is... unpredictable.

The cookie itself matters not. It's all about the fortune inside. But I don't want trite, pithy sayings. I want something memorable. Something like:

I got that one my senior year of college, and it started my collection. And though most of the fortunes I've come across over the years have been dull, soulless things, I've occasionally struck gold. Here's a sampling, haphazardly arranged into groups:

Um... What?

• Do what is right, not what you should.
• Now go to it! It's ready to be pick.

Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun

• We are very happy together.
• There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.

The Future Is Bright

• You will be advanced socially, without any special effort.
• You will be fortunate in everything

Nope, Not at All Creepy

• Someone will visit you soon.

Finally, Some Sage Advice

• Keep your goals away from the trolls.
• Teamwork makes the dream work.
• Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.
• You can depend on the trust of the collective.
• Simplicity and clarity should be the theme in your dress.
• Make big plans.
• You are a perfectionist. Don't spoil it.
• When in doubt, mumble.

Now You Tell Me

• Warning: Do not eat your fortune

Time to Drop Some Knowledge

• You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment.
• It is a great piece of skill to know how to guide your luck. Even while waiting for it.
• The only rose without a thorn is friendship.

Okay, Stop Dropping the Knowledge. It Clearly Has a Head Injury.

• For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.
• If absolute can be defined, then absolute is not absolute anymore.
• Your sweetheart may be too beautiful for words but not for arguments.
• Many people who have power become a deaf mute.

Wow, This One's Actually True

• Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours.

These Are Also True... and Almost Clever. Almost.

• What is to give light must endure the burning.
• Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
• The man on the top of the mountain did not fall there.

But This One? It's the Truest of Them All

• Great! You're ready for a party.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back... Into Improv

Back in September, I said I was giving up on improv, and would use the time to work on my novel instead. Since then, I have indeed made some progress. Namely, I:

• finally completed the first draft;
• re-structured my epic list of planned revisions, organizing the edits by chapter, character, and general terms;
• created a spreadsheet mapping individual character arcs, and the emotions and motivations of each character on a chapter-by-chapter basis;
• selected a new opening for the first chapter (from among six) after much deliberation;¹
• found a resource to answer many research questions concerning detectives and security firms; and
• made this list.

So, have I started writing the second draft? Um...no, not officially.²

Although the holidays and the Winter Olympics have proved distracting, there has also been another impeding factor.³ You see, in November I took a musical improv class.

I know, I know. Yes, I said I was giving up on improv, but I never said I was giving up on musical improv. (For the uninitiated, that's a different thing entirely.) I figured I'd have a blast over the six weeks (I did), and then take a break until the next musical improv opportunity arose.

Long story short: It turns out musical improv is my gateway drug.

By mid-January, I'd signed up for a normal improv class⁴ and been recruited into a Marvel-based improv show.⁵ But this isn't like before; this time around I'll maintain the proper balance. I'll do improv (but not overdo it). I'll write on a regular schedule (but not too regular). And I'll eat lots and lots of ice cream.

Can't go wrong with ice cream.⁶


Nor can you go wrong with heroes, villains, and someone pretending to be Stan Lee. If you're in CT next Friday (March 2), come see Improvised Marvel!

ink by Kevin O'Toole, color by me
(click to embiggen)

5 Lists of 5 For No Reason in Particular

I hadn't posted in a while, so I thought I would. And why bother with a cohesive idea when I can just put together a bunch of lists? (Okay, so I guess I had reasons after all.)

[+] Show/Hide All

5 Things My 6-Year-Old Son Has Said Somewhat Recently

1. "He's a water jet. He can't go in the water."
   "Can't? If he can't go in water, shouldn't he be a non-water jet?"
   "Well, at the beginning there is a silent 'non'."
2. "I'm tired of sleeping."
3. "I was trying to speak to the chipmunk in bird language, since I don't know how to speak chipmunk."
4. "I fell in love with her the first day I met her... I'm trying to get to marry her, but she has a different teacher this year."
5. "When people love me, I just hug 'em."

5 Non-Traditional Ways to Defend Yourself Against Attack by Vampire

1. Stay inside your house all the time.
   And don't invite anyone in. I mean no one. Vampires can only come in if they're invited. Did your husband just bring out the trash? Chances are he's been turned. Lock him out.
2. Stay outside all the time.
   And keep heading east. Move with the sun. As long as that glorious ball of flame keeps shining overhead—and as long as you steer clear of the shade—you'll be safe.
3. Drink nothing but holy water.
   One taste, and your blood will burn that vamp from the inside out. A couple round battle scars on your neck are a small price to pay for victory. (Holy frijoles and/or guacamole are also fine ways to supplement your diet.)
4. An army of drone bodyguards just out of visual range. Armed with lasers.
   With lasers!
5. Clothing entirely covered with pointy wooden stakes.
   The latest in Milan fashion! And if that toothy character tries anything, just give him a great big hug.

5 Books I've Stopped Reading But Have Left Bookmarks In, and Why

1. The Yiddish Policemen's Union, Michael Chabon
   p. 236 of 411, 3 years ago
   I tend to slog through Chabon novels—I paused for 3 months 50 pages into Kavalier & Clay—but I still kind of want to know how it ends.
2. In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto, Michael Pollan
   p. 106 of 205, 2 years ago
   When we moved, this ended up back on the bookshelf. I only remembered today, while making this list.
3. Wonderbook: The Illustrated Guide to Creating Imaginative Fiction, Jeff Vandermeer
   p. 16 of 357, 1 year ago
   Opening chapters didn't keep my interest. Rather than read straight through, when I jump back in I'll skip around a bit.
4. The Master and Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
   p. 232 of 402, 3 months ago
   Made it through book one, but apparently over-the-top Russian satire isn't really my thing. Maybe I'll go back to it?
5. The Nowhere Man, Gregg Hurwitz
   p. 84 of 358, 23 hours ago
   It was late, and I had work in the morning.

5 Ways Vampires Can Counteract Your Non-Traditional Defenses Against Them

1. Cut your power. Repeatedly.
   With your internet down and phone dead, eventually you won't be able to pay your landlord/mortgage/taxes, and soon you'll be out on your ass. Hey, good things come to those who wait.
2. Full-body prosthetics from top Hollywood makeup artists.
   They'll walk right up to you, with you none the wiser. They won't be on fire or nothin'. And then you'll be toast.
3. Two words: Food taster.
4. Three words: Trained attack bats.
   Possibly radio-controlled attack bats. Because, fun!
5. A Spider-Man style upside-down kiss. Of death.
   Alas, your dress made of stakes can't protect you against attacks from above. Try all you want, but you'll never quite touch that man's heart.

5 Reasons You Should Be Disappointed With This Post

1. I didn't include a single picture of my son with his curls and gap-toothed grin.
2. Two vampire-related lists, and no cracks about Twilight.
3. Not a single footnote. Not one.¹
4. There's no list of ways to counteract the vampires' counters. You're doomed.
5.  

¹ Nope. Sorry. Adding one after the fact doesn't count.